Later in this chapter, we discuss Letters of Instruction. These are business-like letters—who to call, what to do, where to start. Equally important are what we refer to as Letters and Lessons of Love. These are letters, videos, poems, or conversations that allow you to share your personal philosophies, hopes, dreams, and anything else that you think is important, with your loved ones.

In Jim Stovall’s novel, The Ultimate Gift, a recently departed uncle leaves his nephew 12 months of lessons to teach him the importance of work, money, friends, learning, problems, family, laughter, dreams, giving, gratitude, each day, and love. Think of the lessons that you want to convey. Instead of waiting until you’re gone, however, share these wonderful gifts now.

For some of you, these lessons may consist of practical information. When we were growing up, an elderly neighbor tried and tried to teach his wife how to manage the family finances, when to pay bills, how to balance their checkbook, and what information was required for their tax return. His wife refused to learn. Months later, when our neighbor died, his wife was unprepared. She hadn’t written a check in 50 years, knew nothing about taxes, and was simply overwhelmed with life’s day-to-day tasks. In addition to being grief stricken, she had the added stress of learning how to manage her own affairs. She kept repeating, “I should have listened.”

We both grew up learning from our parents the value of education, both formal and informal. Today, we try to pass this lesson on to younger generations. We also benefited from travel and knowledge of other cultures. It certainly made us appreciate our country when we saw the poverty, destitution, and lack of freedom of others around the world, something we also try to share with those we care for. But these are our views and our views only. As we observe our friends and colleagues, we know that what’s important to us isn’t important to everyone. Some love all things sports—from baseball to soccer to games played on the gridiron. We see lessons taught about sports-manship, teamwork, and drive. Our goal (yes, pun intended!) is to encourage you to identify what has meaning to you and to pass it on. It doesn’t have to rival the teachings of the great philosophers. Simply share your thoughts, views, and desires in any way that works for you.

Some use these letters as a way to say goodbye—little notes of love and encouragement, sharing sentiments and sadness at the prospect of not being there when important future events take place, or small, poignant remembrances. We know of incredibly thoughtful parents who, knowing that death was imminent, took the time to write letters to their children to be opened on graduation days, wedding days, and special birthdays. Scrapbooks and albums are made highlighting special moments and joyous occasions. Others use videos to do the same thing. Make the time to have heart-to-heart conversations with your loved ones about everything from your investing and savings philosophies to your religious beliefs to the importance of hard work, or whatever it is that you believe in. Take every opportunity to say, “I love you.” We know that it can take courage and a willingness to be vulnerable to share your feelings. Say it anyway. Your loved ones may know how you feel, but they still want to hear it.

As we noted in Chapter 15, “Estate Planning Wills: Testaments, Trusts, and Other Tools,” you may want to leave a Letter of Guidance for the guardian of your minor or disabled children. Use this letter as an opportunity to share your visions and dreams for your kids. Leave specific details as to what you hope will happen—that your child will learn to speak a second language, participate in particular religious events, spend time with a favorite cousin, or learn to play a musical instrument. You can be general or incredibly specific—it’s up to you. Although this letter isn’t binding, it provides direction to the person caring for your children. It will help your guardian as he or she raises your kids and teaches them about you.

The lessons you leave can be serious and helpful, but they can also be silly and fun. Try a combination of the two. It doesn’t matter what you leave behind. They will be lessons of love because they came from you. They’ll be something that, when you’re gone, is irreplaceable.

As young teenagers, we both lost loved ones, including a much loved step-grandmother. In addition to fond memories of Ruth, there is one very vivid memory: the meticulous instructions that she left for her step-son. She included in her Letter of Instruction every detail—where she wanted to be buried (including location of the cemetery plot that she had already purchased), who should be called, what she wanted to wear, as well as information regarding safe deposit boxes and financial records. The burden this lifted from our family was immense. There was no worry or time wasted wondering “What would she want?” “Who should we call?” and “Where does she wish to be laid to rest?” Instead, our family was able to move quickly through the planning process, allowing more time to be spent with grieving friends and loved ones. Reflecting back, Ruth gave her step-son a gift greater than any monetary legacy. With her simple, handwritten Letter of Instruction, she gave him peace of mind—a gift that every family would be lucky to receive.

In contrast, we have encountered many people with an urn of cremated ashes in the back of a closet. The ashes sit there for years (in the case of one family member, for 13 years) because the now long-departed never provided instructions to his or her loved ones. So nothing is done as those left behind struggle with “What would Mom have wanted?” We doubt the hall closet would have been Mom’s choice. We include this not to upset you but to encourage you to share your wishes with your family. If you’re not comfortable discussing them, write a Letter of Instruction to be opened only after you pass.

If you’re reading this book in an effort to help an ailing friend or family member, raising these questions isn’t easy. We know. We confess that, despite working with families every day on such important subjects, we had not raised these issues with our own parents when we began writing this book. Why? Because they’re in good health and, maybe like you, we didn’t want to know the answers. But we gritted our teeth and asked. And now we’re happy we did.

What should a Letter of Instruction include? We consider the Letter of Instruction to fall into three parts: your wants, wishes, and wills. Your wants should begin your Letter of Instruction. The first priority should be a list of friends and loved ones who should learn as soon as possible of your death. Include contact information or the location where this information may be found. Don’t assume that your children, for example, will remember to call your favorite college roommate or your long-time pastor.

Your wants should also include information to be contained in your obituary as well as the newspapers that should receive notification of your death. If you recently moved to a new community, you may want your hometown paper, or other communities where you lived, to publish your obituary. Jeremy Pearce, obituary journalist for The New York Times, says a typical obituary includes your education, employment history, prizes and honors, surviving family members, and place of residence. This is just a beginning point. Also leave a list of items or facts that you’d like to have included. If you served with a particular military unit, for example, leave a list of the details for your family to give to the local newspaper. As part of a religion class in college, we were required to author our own obituaries. It was a difficult assignment, but it was incredibly thought provoking.

Next, your Letter of Instruction should include your wishes regarding your funeral, memorial service, or life celebration. Some individuals believe these details should be included in their Last Will and Testament. However, if a death occurs on a Friday evening, plans may need to be implemented long before the lawyer can be contacted and the will read to see what, if any, details are included. That’s why we suggest leaving specific details in your Letter of Instruction. If you have not made the funeral plans yourself (see page 228), the following information will be extraordinarily helpful to your loved ones:

In the wills section of your Letter of Instruction, include all important contact and financial information. We suggest including the following:

Providing this information will save your loved ones countless hours of rummaging through drawers and file cabinets in an effort to accumulate this information. It will also prevent the loss of certain benefits because no one knew, for example, that your membership in the XYZ Club provides a small death benefit to members.

Keep your Letter of Instruction in a readily accessible location, such as an unlocked fire box, file cabinet, or nightstand drawer. We refer to it as the “important paper drawer.” It’s a place friends and family will know to look when needed. Alternatively, tell your children or best friend where to look. Don’t place your Letter of Instruction in a safe deposit box since access is limited to bank hours and to the executor of your estate or cosignatory on the box. You may want to give copies to your loved ones today. If you’re uncomfortable sharing the details of your Letter of Instruction at this time, at the very least let your loved ones know where it’s located so it can be easily obtained when required.

As surprising as it may seem, many terminally ill patients take great joy in planning their funerals. We have always been and remain consistently impressed by our friends, patients, and clients who have the strength and courage to make these plans to save their spouses and children the difficulty of decision making in a time of grief. Making these decisions can also provide the dying a sense of peace and control.

One individual in particular comes to mind. He was the father of one of our schoolmates. Although his death was anticipated, the end came sooner rather than later. Arriving at the local funeral home during the visitation hours, our classmate was greeting friends. Despite her grief, she looked stunning in a beautiful black dress, as did her sisters and her mother. She remarked that her father insisted that they buy new dresses to wear and model them for him weeks earlier. His funeral, he suggested, would be a celebration, and his “girls” should look the part. Not only did he select the music, the passages to be read, and the beer to be served at the post-funeral gathering, but our classmate’s clever father selected a funeral home run by a family with several single sons beginning their careers in the family business. He wanted to play matchmaker even after his passing. While no romances flourished, each daughter was touched by her father’s desire to see her happy and loved even after his death. He wanted the event to be a celebration. His wish was fulfilled.

For some, like Morrie Schwartz in Mitch Albom’s bestselling book Tuesdays with Morrie, planning your own funeral also means attending your own funeral. Morrie planned his “living funeral” so that he could visit with friends, say goodbye, and enjoy their company one last time. Take the time to see long-distance friends while you’re able. If you have the means, invite relatives from out of town to come to you so that you can enjoy their company. Although this unusual manner of saying goodbye isn’t for everyone, it’s certainly worth considering.

Without guidance, families struggle. A colleague remarked, shortly after her mother’s death following a decade-long battle with cancer,

The most critical decision is whether you wish to be buried or cremated. This decision often depends on your religious or cultural preferences. Once you’ve made this decision, the next step is to determine which funeral home will best serve your needs. Most funeral homes are full-service entities that can provide as few or as many services as you would like. They are trained professionals who will work with your family in determining any details you have not already decided upon. Many funeral homes offer prepaid funeral arrangements. Whether this is a good financial investment should be decided on a case-by-case basis and depends on your personal circumstances and your likelihood of remaining in the same geographic area.

Dan Rohling, CFSP, a licensed funeral director and embalmer, and author of Funeral Information: A Consumer Guide, says the most important thing to consider when selecting a funeral director is his or her responsiveness. Ask questions and inquire as to prices. All funeral directors are required to give you this information thanks to the Federal Trade Commission’s 1984 Funeral Rule. As you learn the costs, keep in mind that the average cost of a funeral in the U.S. today is between $5,000 and $7,000, depending on where you live. If you aren’t pleased with the answers, don’t develop a rapport with the funeral director or feel “pressured,” contact another funeral director. Mr. Rohling also suggests including an impartial third party in the discussions. He advises:

Ask the funeral director to step out of the room so you can confer and make the best decisions, including cost considerations. Let the funeral director know if you’re a veteran. Special benefits, including a flag, are available at no additional cost to honor those who served our country. The Funeral Consumers Alliance Web site at www.funerals.org also provides helpful information.

Talk with your spiritual advisor regarding the type of service or memorial that reflects your life and your beliefs. Discuss full religious Masses versus memorial services or celebrations of life. Your family priest, minister, rabbi, or cleric addresses these issues every day and is an excellent resource. He or she can help you decide the service’s speakers, music, passages to be read, and tone. Ask your family members what’s important to them, but the final decisions are yours.

Don’t limit your planning to the religious or spiritual event. Consider the post-funeral gathering—the wake, sitting shiva, or visiting hours. John, age 68, left a Letter of Instruction that requested no religious service, but instead a “memorial party” not to exceed a maximum cost of $15,000. It’s so important to John that his death be a celebration of his life that he’s memorialized his intentions in a binding legal document. Lucas, age 52, went so far as to plan the menu and beer to be served. Robin, age 58, has her send-off planned as well:

On the other hand, if you’d rather the event be private, say so.

Practically speaking, during the service and post-funeral gathering, we advise that your family arrange for a trusted individual to mind your residence. Unfortunately, many unscrupulous individuals read funeral notices and decide that it’s time to “pay a visit” (also known as a burglary). This is a considerable problem and not one to be ignored. It’s important to protect your home and the home of your loved ones during all services.

Saying goodbye isn’t easy. It’s agonizing and painful. By leaving your letters and lessons of love, instructions, and intentions for your loved ones, you won’t take away their grief, but you will make the process less burdensome.