6

HE LEADS, SHE LEADS

Gender and the Body Language of Leaders

Let's say you divide a large work group into two teams. In the first group you assign a female leader, and in the second, a male. The two teams employ very different problem-solving strategies. In one, there is consensus and collaboration; in the other, clear direction and a hierarchical approach to decision making. If you didn't know which was which but had to guess, you'd probably say that the first team was led by the woman and the second by the man. And, most often (but not always), you'd be right.

When generalizing about any population segment—especially such large and diverse segments as “male” and “female”—there is bound to be a degree of inaccuracy and stereotyping. As you read this chapter, you will think of many individuals to whom the generalizations don't apply. Yet science has discovered some major gender differences in brain function, evolutionary predisposition, and communication style that can have a profound effect on the way men and women behave and are perceived in leadership roles.

This chapter explains the ways that gender can influence the body language of leaders. You will learn how the brains of men and women react differently to emotion and stress, how unconscious and unspoken reactions can undermine an emergent female leader, how followers evaluate the communication strengths and weaknesses of male and female leaders, and how to alter, accommodate, or modify your body language to be more effective.

THE NEUROSCIENCE OF GENDER

When it comes to brain research and gender, it's not a question of better or smarter—but it is a matter of difference. For example, men have approximately six-and-a-half times more grey matter related to cognitive functioning in the brain, and women have nearly ten times more white matter related to cognition than men have.¹ White matter connects brain centers in the neural network, whereas grey matter tends to localize brain activity into a single active brain center. Because of this difference, men tend to compartmentalize more brain activity and prefer to focus intently on one task at a time, whereas women's ability to integrate and assimilate information (aided by the fact that the female brain also has a larger corpus callosum—a thick band of fibers that connects the two brain hemispheres and facilitates their communication) gives them the edge in making crucial connections between seemingly disparate elements.

Until recently, differences in how men and women feel and express emotions were thought to be due to upbringing alone. But, according to Louann Brizendine, professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, emotional processing in the male and female brains is quite different.² In both genders, another person's emotional pain activates mirror neurons, but in the male brain, a second system (the temporal-parietal junction) quickly takes over, which in turn activates his “analyze-and-fix-it” circuits. So while the female brain is locked in emotional empathy, the male brain (having quickly identified the emotion) is busy searching for solutions.

Evolution programmed the male brain for hunting—which accounts for a man's narrower range of physical vision when compared with women, his ability to focus on a single source, and his better sense of direction (along with his reluctance to ask for directions when lost). Women have developed better peripheral vision, helping them take in multiple signals. Both genders stay alert for signs of danger—but, again, do so in their own unique ways: when entering a room, men automatically look for exits to estimate a possible escape, whereas women pay attention to people's faces to sort out who they are, how they feel, and whether it is safe to remain in their company.

Even women's propensity for crying has a partially neurological and physiological basis: the chromosomal development of prolactin in the female body and brain results in larger tear glands. So even in cultures where male tears are acceptable, women will produce more tears and cry more often.³

For decades, psychological research maintained that both men and women reacted to stress in the same physiological ways, meaning that when confronted with stress, individuals would either respond with aggressive behavior or withdraw from the stressful situation.

Recently, however, neuroscientists have exposed a flaw in that assumption. Using fMRI, studies from University of Pennsylvania have discovered that men and women react to stress in very different ways.⁴ In male brains, increased blood flow to the left prefrontal cortex did indeed suggest the activation of the “fight or flight” response. In women, however, stress activated the limbic part of the brain, which is associated with emotional responses. Women, they found, were more likely to manage their stress with what scientists have termed a “tend-and-befriend” response. When threatened, fearful, or stressed, women are more likely to protect and nurture others and to turn to family and friends for solace. This difference in giving and seeking social support during stressful periods seems to be the principal way men and women differ in their coping methods. But it is not the only difference.

Researchers at the University of Southern California, also looking at the divergent ways men and women's brains respond to stressful conditions, found a striking gender difference in brain function and how people evaluate emotions when under stress. The gender difference appeared in the brain regions that enable people to simulate and understand the emotions of others. According to the research, stress seemed to increase the capacity for empathy in women, whereas in males, stress reduced it.⁵

So what does all this science mean in the business arena? It means, for example, that in stressful and potentially threatening organizational challenges (a massive layoff, say, or a major departmental restructuring), it shouldn't surprise you if men on the leadership team tend to isolate and withdraw (working on “the numbers” to make it equitable for each department) while female leaders focus on addressing employees' concerns and distress. And although neither response is necessarily “better” in a given situation, these findings do suggest that a male-female balance on a leadership team would probably prove to be optimal in most situations.

WHY JANE DOESN'T LEAD

Before we look at the body language of male and female leaders, I want to tell you about some interesting research that offers an insight into why corporations have relatively few females in senior leadership positions. It has everything to do with body language—but not in the way you might anticipate.

Women have now crossed the 50 percent threshold and become the majority of the American workforce. They make up the majority of university graduates in the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) countries as well as the majority of professional workers in several rich countries, including the United States. And women already run many of the world's great companies, from PepsiCo in America to Areva in France.

There is also a genuine commitment in many organizations to develop the leadership abilities of female employees and to create workplace environments with family-friendly policies and flexible working arrangements—all in hopes of attracting, retaining, and grooming women for top management roles.

But despite the female majority in the workforce, women's strides in educational attainment, and an ongoing organizational effort in leadership development, relatively few females have made the journey all the way to the highest rungs of the corporate ladder. In fact, women number only 2 percent of the CEOs of the nation's Fortune 500 companies.

There is much speculation as to why this is so. For example, most research shows that people believe successful leaders need to have the characteristics typically associated with men—although the actual qualities of effective leadership are a combination of masculine traits (forcefulness, self-confidence, task orientation) and feminine traits (concern for people, feelings, and relationships). An obvious consequence of this mistaken belief is that a man is more likely to be selected for a leadership position than is an equally qualified woman.

But there is another reason for the striking dearth of female leadership at the corporate level: the difficulty women find being subconsciously recognized by their peers as acceptable leadership material.

Researchers at the University of Delaware compared the nonverbal responses to male and female leaders and found that intellectual assertiveness by women in mixed-sex discussions elicits visible nonverbal cues of negative affect. Females speaking up and taking a leadership role receive fewer pleased responses and more displeased responses from fellow group members than male leaders offering the same input.

Here, with minor variations, is what the researchers observed in team meetings: a woman states her opinion; in response, negative nonverbal affect cues—frowns, head shakes, eye contact avoidance, and so on—are displayed, processed, and often mimicked by the entire group to produce a less-than-positive consensus about the value of the woman's contribution. And all of this occurs without individuals on the team being aware of what's happening.⁶

At a time when conscious responses (for example, direct answers on questionnaires) are becoming less biased against women generally, unconscious responses to women asserting leadership behaviors continue to reflect discrimination from men and women alike. Because a person's hiring, salary, and promotion (especially to top leadership positions) often depend on her being recognized by all colleagues as an emergent leader, this reflexive, unconsidered response goes some way to explain why Jane doesn't lead even when she may be the best qualified to do so.

Keep these three key points in mind:

1. This was a study of leadership behaviors in peer groups. There is no evidence to suggest that women in formal leadership roles generate any greater negative (or less positive) emotional cues than do their male counterparts.
2. This was not about men discounting the contribution of women. The groups in the study had an equal mix of male and female members.
3. The power of nonverbal communication lies in its unconscious nature, so simply discussing this issue and bringing it to awareness will decrease its frequency and help nullify its effect.

THIRTEEN GENDER-BASED DIFFERENCES IN NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

Colleagues Kate and Grant are part of a team sent to negotiate with a potential client. Grant thought the initial meeting went well, but Kate felt otherwise. While Grant was focused on the details of the business opportunity, Kate was picking up on the silent signals—the eye contact, the subtle emotional expressions, and shifts in body posture—that were being displayed by the members of the client team. These signals were telling her that the clients had some issues with their proposal.

Robert Rosenthal at Harvard University developed a test called the Profile of Nonverbal Sensitivity to analyze gender differences in decoding body language signals. The results showed that the ability to pick up and read body language is greater in females. With the exception of men who held jobs involving “nurturing, artistic, or expressive” work, females (from fifth grade to adulthood) had superior scores in accurately judging messages communicated by facial expressions, body movements, and voice quality.⁷

Women are not only more adept at identifying nonverbal cues but also better at expressing them—employing more animation, gesture, and vocal variety in their communication behavior. Women as a group react physically when something surprises or frightens them. (Men tend to be more controlled, more stoic.) But gender-influenced body language differences don't stop there. Here are a baker's dozen more:

1. Women are more comfortable when being approached from the front. Men prefer approaches from the side. Likewise, two men speaking will angle their bodies slightly, whereas two women will stand in a more “squared up” position—a stance that most men perceive as confrontational.
2. When a man nods, it means he agrees. When a woman nods, it means she agrees—or is listening to or empathizing with the speaker or encouraging the speaker to continue.
3. To a woman, good listening skills include making eye contact and reacting visually to the speaker. To a man, listening can take place with a minimum of eye contact and almost no nonverbal feedback.
4. Men who don't know each other well tend to keep a greater distance between them than women who have just met. As you saw in the previous chapter, this difference in interpersonal distance as determined by gender is present even in online communities (like Second Life).
5. In corporate settings, women and men use touch differently. Women use touch to signal agreement, sympathy, compassion, connection, and celebration. Touch among men is almost exclusively motivated by power—directed from the top down as a status marker. (A manager can pat an employee on the back and say, “Good job,” but the employee would hesitate to return the favor.)
6. Men expand into available space. They sprawl, sit with their legs spread or widely crossed, spread out their materials on a conference table, and stretch out their arms on the back of a chair. Women condense by keeping their elbows to their sides; tightly crossing their legs; stacking their materials in small, neat piles; and contracting their bodies to take up as little space as possible.
7. Women sound more emotional than men because they use approximately five tones when speaking—and their voices rise under stress. Men not only have a deeper vocal range but also use only approximately three tones. A man's deeper, louder voice is viewed as commanding and confident.
8. Men's propensity to minimize facial expressions causes uneasiness in women, who often perceive a lack of facial response as negative feedback. When a woman can't read the person she's talking to, she feels anxious.
9. Both sexes smile when genuinely happy or amused or when it is socially expected to do so, but women smile more often than men—to cover up uneasiness or nervousness or to take the sting out of a negative comment.
10. Men tend to express their anger nonverbally more than women do, and more quickly expel the anger through physical bursts of energy, such as by hitting a table.
11. Women stand with their legs close together, sometimes crossing “knee over knee.” Men tend to keep their legs apart at a ten- to fifteen-degree angle, in a more open and relaxed stance.
12. Male body language is more likely to emphasize stature, composure, and confidence. Men also send signals of indifference, disagreement, or smugness far more often than women. Women are more likely to display enthusiasm and joy, and to visibly react when their feelings are hurt.
13. Women with breathy, tense voices are judged to be pretty, feminine, shallow, and unintelligent. Men with throaty, tense voices are thought to be mature, masculine, and intelligent.

LEADERSHIP STYLES OF MEN AND WOMEN

Generally speaking, women leaders tend to be more interactive, wanting to keep an encounter going until the emotional content has been played out. Women employ a more participative leadership style, they are more likely to share information and power and to foster collaborative environments, and they have strong relational skills that make them seem empathic to their staffs.

Whereas women focus on accommodating interpersonal needs, men don't place the same emphasis or value on the skills required to do so. Many men don't admire “people skills” as much as they do authority and control. Male leaders tend to be more transactional in their approach to business dealings, and once the transaction has been completed, they tend to move away from the interaction and back to solitary tasks. Men tend to favor a more hierarchical leadership style and to take a directive approach. Males are viewed as formal authorities and stronger leaders in roles that require more “command and control.” This difference has appeared in both laboratory studies and observations of real leaders.

Obviously, both men and women lead successful teams, but even here I have observed differences. Male leaders tend to use competition—comparing team members' ideas—whereas women look for connections between team members' ideas. And here, once more, is a good argument for having both genders represented (and both collaborative processes valued) on a leadership team.

THE BODY LANGUAGE OF MALE AND FEMALE LEADERS

I recently conducted research with managers in the United States, Canada, and Europe about masculine and feminine communication styles and the problems and opportunities that the different styles create for leaders. I asked these four questions:

1. What is the greatest strength in male leaders' communication?
2. What is the greatest strength in female leaders' communication?
3. What is the greatest weakness in male leaders' communication?
4. What is the greatest weakness in female leaders' communication?

The responses indicated that both sexes identify the same set of strengths and weaknesses in themselves and each other. As you look at the findings that follow, notice how much of what people refer to as “communication” is determined or influenced by gender-specific nonverbal traits and behaviors.

Top Three Communication Strengths of Male Leaders

1. Physical presence
   “Men are bigger and look more powerful.”
   “Men are more likely to have a formal office or executive title, which can make them seem (and feel) more authoritative.”
2. Direct and forceful approach
   “Men get to the point when laying out the facts.”
   “Men have deeper (more forceful) voices, they speak over you, and they dominate the conversation.”
3. Body language signals of power and authority
   “Men keep a poker face that shows they can control their emotions.”
   “Men have a confident ‘power stance’ and take up more room.”

Top Three Communication Strengths of Female Leaders

1. Ability to read body language
   “Women have an ability to pick up on the subtle ‘clues’ of nonverbal communication.”
   “Women have more insight into what's really going on.”
2. Good listening skills
   “Women make more eye contact when someone else is talking.”
   “Women are better at focusing attention on whoever is speaking.”
3. Effective display of empathy
   “Women convey an aura of friendliness and welcome. This is more apparent in face-to-face communication because it is reflected in body language.”
   “Women seem to be warmer—more approachable, expressive, and tuned in to others.”

As you will see in the next set of responses, communication strengths turn into weaknesses when overdone.

Top Three Communication Weaknesses of Male Leaders

1. Overly blunt and direct
   “Men can be overbearing and loud.”
   “Men are so blunt that it hurts people's feelings and dampens morale.”
2. Insensitive to emotional reactions
   “Men can be too logical—and miss the heart or feelings behind the words.”
   “Men don't listen. They don't even pretend to.”
3. Too confident in own opinion
   “Men interrupt all the time—as if their opinion is the only one that matters.”
   “They don't look as if they care about what people are saying.”

Top Three Communication Weaknesses of Female Leaders

1. Overly emotional
   “Women let their feelings show too much—and sometimes it looks as though they are losing control.”
   “I know many competent, experienced, and talented women who have cried in a business meeting—much to the dismay of themselves and the people they are meeting with.”
2. Indecisive—won't get to the point
   “Women will explain how to design a clock when I just want to know what time it is.”
   “Women can't look you in the eyes when delivering a tough message.”
3. Lacking in authoritative body language signals
   “Some women rely on girlishness or attractiveness to influence an outcome—instead of keeping the conversation on a professional level.”
   “Body language can be ambiguous or confusing due to using too many gestures.”

BODY LANGUAGE TIPS FOR MALE AND FEMALE LEADERS

In the first chapter, I told you about two sets of signals that followers look for in their leaders: warmth (empathy, likeability, caring) and authority (power, credibility, status). Although I have coached many leaders of both sexes who do not fit the stereotypes, I've also observed that gender differences in body language most often do align with these two groupings. Women are usually the champions in warmth and empathy, but men display more power and authority cues.

Women send more warmth signals.

Men send more power signals.

If you are like most of the leaders I work with, there are situations in which your current nonverbal behavior is very effective—and other situations where you could benefit by having the flexibility to change the signals you are sending. (Often men's body language, instead of conveying confidence and competence, is perceived as cold and uncaring; women may undermine their authority by unknowingly using deference and submission signals.) Here are some tips on how to alter, accommodate, or modify your body language to be a more effective leader.

If you are a woman seeking to project authority and credibility,

• Keep your voice down. Women's voices often rise at the ends of sentences as if they're asking a question or asking for approval. When stating your opinion, use the authoritative arc, in which your voice starts on one note, rises in pitch through the sentence, and drops back down at the end.
• Claim your space. Females can compensate for men's larger and taller stature by standing straight, broadening their stance, spreading out their paperwork, and even putting their hands on their hips in order to take up more physical space. I've also advised women to stand when presenting their ideas, rather than staying seated at a conference table. This gives you a height and nonverbal status advantage.
• Smile selectively. Although smiling can be a powerful and positive nonverbal cue—especially for signaling like-ability and friendliness—women should be aware that when excessive or inappropriate, smiling can also confuse people and compromise credibility—for example, if you smile out of context while discussing a serious subject, expressing anger, or giving negative feedback.
• Watch your hands. Everyone uses self-pacifying gestures when under stress. People rub their hands together, grab their upper arms, touch their necks, and so on. Because these can be distracting, their overuse by either sex lessens the appearance of authority and confidence. But, as a woman particularly, you will be viewed as much less powerful if you self-pacify with girlish behaviors (twirling hair, playing with jewelry, or biting a finger).
• Curb your enthusiasm. Women who express the entire spectrum of emotions often overwhelm their audience (especially if the audience is composed primarily of males). So in situations where you want to maximize your authority, minimize your movements. When you appear calm and contained, you look more powerful.
• Speak up. In negotiations, men talk more than women and interrupt more frequently. One perspective on the value of speaking up comes from former secretary of state Madeleine Albright, who—when asked what advice she had for up-and-coming professional women—replied, “Learn to interrupt.”⁹
• Straighten your head. Head tilting is a positive signal that someone is interested and involved—and a particularly feminine gesture. But head tilting is also a universal sign of acquiescence and submission. When you want to project authority and confidence, you should hold your head in an erect, more neutral position.
• Employ a firm handshake. Even more than is the case for your male colleagues, your confidence and credibility will be judged by the firmness of your handshake. So review the handshake “rules” from Chapter Two and master a great grip.
• Keep your eyes in the business zone. As noted in Chapter Two, if you create an imaginary triangle with a base at eye level and an apex at mid-forehead, you will have mapped out the “business gaze.” When you keep your focus in that area, you nonverbally signal a no-nonsense, businesslike approach. But when you move your focus from the eyes to the mouth, you turn your gaze into one that is more flirtatious and more appropriate for social encounters.
• Dress like a leader. I'm all for women dressing in a fashion that makes them feel attractive and confident, but I also advise women to take themselves (and their professional reputation) seriously. So “dressing for success” in a leadership role means dressing in ways that build, not diminish, your credibility. Women in managerial positions who dress in sexy attire (low-cut tops and too-short skirts) are viewed as less intelligent. Even other women take you less seriously.

If you are a man seeking to project more warmth and empathy,

• Try a little tenderness. A man's ability to hold his emotions in check is viewed as an advantage in business negotiations. But that doesn't mean that men shouldn't allow their feelings to show in other business situations. Whether you are promoting collaboration, building employee enthusiasm for a new corporate direction, or addressing the negative consequences of a major change, showing emotion is not only a good thing: it is a powerful leadership strategy.
• Look at people when they speak. The amount of eye contact you give as a leader is especially telling if you reserve it only for those whose opinion you agree with. Women often cite a lack of eye contact as evidence that their male boss “doesn't value my input.” So increasing your eye contact (and, most especially, making sure you are not looking at just some members of your team and ignoring others) will send signals of inclusiveness and warmth.
• Stop solving problems. Men's discomfort dealing with emotion (and their brain's innate response to it) leads them to immediately search for solutions, rather than understanding that sometimes people just need to be heard. The next time someone comes to you with an emotional problem, try being a sounding board rather than a problem solver.
• Lighten up. Men need to monitor their facial expressions, especially those that come across as intimidating, overpowering, or deliberately forbidding. Such visual power cues are certainly useful in some situations, but just as certainly not useful in others. The problem is, hard looks can become habitual in all your business dealings without your realizing it. You're the boss, so you scowl—period. Once you've become aware of that habit, however, you can begin to modify your facial expressions to suit the situation. An encouraging smile, for example, can go a long way if your goal is to build team morale and foster innovation. You'll still be the boss even if you do lighten up a bit, but when you do, you may be surprised to find your people responding with more positive contributions than you'd expected.

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS

Yes, as John Gray told us in his famous battle-of-the-sexes best seller twenty years ago, men and women are different—different in temperament, vision, understanding, intuition, analytical gifts, communication skills, emotional and creative strengths and weaknesses—plus a whole lot more ways too numerous to list here. Brain science explains many of these differences, as does the “behavioral molding” of upbringing and societal expectations. And there is much we are still learning.

Nothing about our experience of one another has changed since that book first appeared, nor will it in the future. A hundred years from now, men and women will still seem to have come from different planets. What has changed in business, however, is that the Venus-Mars dichotomy is beginning to make a critical impact on leadership philosophy and practice as more women lead teams, assume leadership roles, enter the (still) male-dominated upper echelons of corporations, and start their own businesses.

So I'm going to close this chapter with some useful words of advice about interplanetary cooperation: don't be afraid of aliens; they've come in peace, with the same aspirations as you have—to serve customers, build great products, help society, make money, work with friends, and create a brighter future.