ELENA S.: “WHEN LIFE IS HARD, YOU MUST TRY EVEN HARDER.”

1. What stressful circumstances did she encounter?

Elena is a marketing manager whose company was stepping up pressure on her to bring in more clients. Monthly, her anxious supervisor scrutinized her records. Under pressure himself, he was often irritable toward Elena, which amplified her stress. As if this work stress was not enough, Elena’s husband wanted more of her time and attention, and her eighty-eight-year-old mother had become too frail and forgetful to live alone.

2. What did Elena do to decrease the circumstances’ stress-fulness?

In what follows, you will see that Elena faced the realities of these stressful circumstances, despite their painful-ness. She had little time for personal enjoyment, like reading. As much as this disappointed her, she had priorities that demanded attention. Elena sufficiently tended to her work and home pressures, and when plagued by doubt, panic, or anger, she tried hard to counter these reactions through solutions that serviced her best interests. So, each time she had a stressful interaction with her boss or husband, she reflected upon it, hoping to gain insight into what was going on, and then tried to communicate better or unilaterally suggest plans that would help.

3. Did Elena’s coping efforts include getting supportive assistance and encouragement from other people?

Despite her boss’s irritability, Elena set up meetings with him to discuss ways in which they could build their client base. She resisted personalizing his frustrations, despite her own stress. Sometimes her boss opened up and talked about company troubles. With sincere interest, Elena listened to him and asked how she could help. This seemed to clear tensions between them so that their strate-gizing meetings became more productive. In a better economy, the marketing department relied on long-standing clients who, year to year, gave them a tremendous amount of business. It was easier in those days to escape the attention of upper management, because more-than-adequate quotas kept the marketing department below radar. At the end of the twentieth century, however, many of their stable clients went belly-up. No longer able to rest on their laurels, they developed a plan to open up new markets. Elena needed support from her boss to begin the problem-solving process, and it seemed like he needed the same of her.

4. How did Elena talk about the experience? Did the evaluation express new insights about circumstance, life, and self?

Elena realized that she had initially responded to stresses by lapsing into a work routine that sapped her creativity and energy. She began to act more like an account manager than like a market strategist. Through her company’s dissatisfaction with her department’s performance, she realized she was in a professional and personal slump. She also realized how much she missed social interactions with friends, family, and coworkers, and how insufficient social opportunities contributed to her stress.

By putting her work life into perspective, Elena was freer to focus on bettering her home life. This stressed her much less, although there were still work changes to deal with. She could pay more attention to loved ones, which her husband enjoyed, because she now had energy. He agreed with Elena that her mother should live with them and vowed willingly to help make this transition successful. Even though her mother now required assistance, Elena wanted to do everything she could to assure her mother’s independence. To do this, Elena and her husband planned to give Elena’s mother manageable chores to maintain her mental and emotional functioning.

5. How did Elena’s coping efforts express the attitudes of commitment, control, and challenge?

Elena is high in hardy attitudes. She dealt actively with job and work pressures. Instead of running away, she sought the help of others, built rather than tore down bridges, and faced personal limitations that added to her stress. Along with this, she disallowed negative preoccupations and instead focused on assisting her boss. Elena clearly sees her life as important and worthwhile enough to engage in fully (commitment rather than isolation). She put energy into healing relationships and developing plans to increase the marketing department’s client base (control rather than powerlessness). And, she seized personally beneficial opportunities to grow in the stressful work change (challenge rather than threat).

HERMAN W.: “THERE’S A SILVER LINING IN EVERY CLOUD, IF YOU CARE TO FIND IT.”

1. What stressful circumstance did he encounter?

Herman slowly moved up the ranks at his company. He worked as a manager in the human resources department for several of the twenty-five years of his employment. His company abruptly notified him that they were eliminating his department because of the need to downsize personnel and decentralize company functions. The long and short of it is that Herman no longer had a job. This news sideswiped and upset him, especially since it was a financially inopportune time for this to happen to his family. Herman’s wife planned to retire when their children started college next year. Now, more than ever, they needed his income.

2. What did Herman do to decrease the circumstance’s stressfulness?

At first, Herman felt victimized and angry at the system. “How could the people I’ve worked with and trusted for twenty years just call me in and tell me I don’t have a job anymore?” He worried whether he was too old to get another job of similar rank and income. When the initial shock faded, Herman began to think things through more calmly.

Rather than continue to imagine the worst about his long-time colleagues, he approached them with questions and listened to what they had to say. He came to recognize that, as operating costs soared and revenues declined, the company needed to mollify investors by streamlining in any way that it could. Like many companies today, his company was beginning to outsource human resource functions. It was the department rather than Herman, they said, that was dispensable. It hurt, but Herman knew this was a sign of the times.

3. Did Herman’s coping efforts include getting supportive assistance and encouragement from other people?

Herman knew his age, salary, and experience might work against him in the job marketplace. He loved his work and did not want to start at square one again. Herman calmly began thinking. He knew other companies would soon outsource their human resource functions too, if they had not done so already. Throughout the years, he formed good collegial relationships with his coworkers, management, and customers. It occurred to him that his years of expertise and success in this field would make him a valued human resources consultant. To move forward with this plan, he ran this idea by his former colleagues. They became Herman’s first client, which also lessened their guilt of having to let him go. Herman had just enough income from this initial client to cover the costs of starting his consulting company.

4. How did Herman talk about the experience? Did his evaluation express new insights about circumstance, life, and self?

Several successful years later, Herman was happier than ever. This new chapter in his life, he thought, was possible because of the stressful work change. He’s never bored and makes more money than before. And, according to Herman, this opportunity added purpose and meaning to his life. His wife really came through for him too. She helped him pick up the pieces by working part-time with him. They had not collaborated like this for years and enjoyed the meaningful connection. Herman’s children started college, and they are doing quite well.

Even though it was stressful at the time, Herman sees leaving the company more positively now. He had the insight that the company disliked the push to evolve as much as he did. “By outsourcing human resource functions, they found a way to cope with change. I know it sounds simple, but until now, I lacked awareness of how closely their fears and tasks matched mine. It’s hard sometimes to see the big picture, especially when you’re hurting.” Herman has a greater sense now of the impersonal disposition of outside forces. Although he saw others come and go throughout the years, he expected to survive. Today, Herman appreciates the laws of change. “Although I will always try to positively influence what happens to me, I’ll blame others less for doing what they have to do.”

5. How did Herman’s coping efforts express the attitudes of commitment, control, and challenge?

Once Herman’s shock wore off, he sought out his colleagues to understand what happened. He further convinced his company to be his first client. And, his coping efforts extended to his wife. Herman found a way for her to retire by working with him in the new business. His commitment, control, and challenge are quite clear.

ALLAN H.: “LIFE STINKS, AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.”

1. What stressful circumstance did Allan encounter?

Allan grew up in a comfortable, upper-middle-class neighborhood. His parents overprotected him; they grew up poor, prospered, and desired to give Allan everything they had not had. He played soccer throughout middle school, and in high school, he was on the track team. In college, Allan spent more time socializing than studying, which most likely contributed to his average academic performance. Soon after graduating, he married, and shortly thereafter, he and his wife started a family. They have two daughters.

Allan parlayed his college computer training into a job with a high-tech company as a software writer. He made a very good income with stock options. Allan had found his life’s work, which delighted him. It pleased him that his family was much better off financially than other people he knew.

From time to time, Allan heard office rumors that the company he worked for had been over-reporting its earnings. Allan never took this too seriously; he trusted his employer and the financial stability of the company. Before he realized it, his company’s stock plummeted in value. Allan lost his job, his health benefits, and had little financial assets to speak of. This dismayed his wife, a stay-at-home mom; Allan felt like a failure. It did not help that his children could not understand this reversal of fortune either, as they had always looked up to their father.

2. What actions did Allan take to decrease the circumstance’s stressfulness?

Allan had difficulty getting over what happened and kept seeing himself as the victim of others who were just jealous of him. He withdrew from everyone, sat at home watching television, and began drinking heavily. He made one or two half-hearted efforts to find another job, but he lacked sufficient energy to make this happen. Allan convinced himself those other companies too would use and take advantage of him. He tearfully reminisced about his happy childhood, when people were trustworthy. As evidenced by his company’s deceit, Allan disbelieved in people’s genuineness and worried about the world’s deteriorating condition.

3. Did Allan get supportive assistance and encouragement during this stressful time?

Before long, Allan became deeply bitter, distrustful, and self-pitying. He lacked energy and imagination to find solutions to his problems, which lowered his self-esteem. Eventually, a whole series of life reversals ensued. His mortgage went unpaid, and the family lost its sumptuous home. Allan’s desperate wife was unsuccessful in talking with him. His neediness exhausted her, and he refused to get help. To survive, she left, taking the kids with her. He was furious because she rejected him in his time of need. Allan’s use of alcohol to medicate his pain resulted in a driving-under-the-influence charge. As time went on, Allan failed to turn his life around.

4. How did Allan talk about the experience? When reminiscing, observing, planning, or evaluating the stress, did he associate the experience with his life direction, purpose, and meaning? Did the evaluation express new insights about circumstance, life, and self?

Allan expressed his plight with bitterness about the world around him, and lots of self-pity. From his viewpoint, people either do not care at all about others, or are actually vicious. Organizations and social institutions were also described by him as bent on undermining the people within them, despite official presentations to the contrary. He was also preoccupied by the injustices piled on him, and how this victimization had destroyed his life. He would often cry when reflecting on these painful conclusions.

5. How did his coping efforts express hardy attitudes or the lack of commitment, control, and challenge?

Note that Allan’s lack of hardy attitudes prevented him from making resilient use of the experience. He withdrew from rather than committing to the events and people around him, and sank into powerlessness, anger, and passivity when the going got rough. To him, you avoid threatening changes rather than use them as an impetus for learning and growth.

GRACE H.: “THIS IS A MALE SOCIETY, AND I’M UNFORTUNATELY A WOMAN.”

Grace hoped to move up the company ranks in a small clothing firm that specialized in designing and producing women’s clothing. As an administrative assistant, she followed company procedures and policies by the book. Grace gave the company 110 percent of herself. She rarely complained, if at all, and valued responsible action.

She had grown up in a poor family, and it had always been an effort to go to school and work part-time simultaneously. After dropping out of college, she found her present job and threw herself into it.

As the years went by, the company passed Grace by for promotions. She noticed that younger, junior men tended to rise up in the company. This particularly irritated her, as she had trained them in their jobs. Once, while talking with her boss, she summoned up the courage to ask him about this situation. He superficially responded, claiming that those who the company promotes possess particular capabilities. “If, you wait,” he stated, “your time will come.” This proved to be untrue.

She did not bring the matter up again for fear that retribution would follow. Grace’s personal insecurities stopped her from looking for another job. She told herself, “I need the money,” so she stayed put. Over time, Grace lost her self-esteem. She carelessly carried out work tasks and gave very little of herself to her job and coworkers. She kept to herself. She felt stuck in a thankless job; this depressed her. Grace gained weight, slipped into poor grooming habits, and, to avoid pain, she watched television endlessly, overspent at the mall, and occasionally got drunk.

Grace felt her father favored her brothers over her. She believed her boss did the same thing to her. She expressed more and more anger toward men and a patriarchal society, which, she felt, conspired to put women down. Even though she could get angry when forced to think about her difficulties, she preferred to avoid it all and lose herself in distracting activities. “Why waste my time putting emotion and energy into this problem,” she stated, “this is the way the world works; it’s less painful to accept my life as it is today.”

You can see Grace lacks the hardy attitudes to be resilient. When there are problems, she avoids them and just gives up trying. She suppresses angry feelings by losing herself in self-destructive activities. Although it may be true that some companies advance more men over women, she uses her views as a blanket justification for giving up rather than as an observation that could lead to corrective efforts. Grace will have trouble turning disadvantages into opportunities, unless her attitudes change considerably.

MARTIN O.: “JUST KEEP BEING OPTIMISTIC; THINGS WILL TURN OUT FOR THE BEST.”

Martin had similar beginnings to Allan. He grew up in an upper-middle-class family. His father, who grew up poor, wanted Martin to have every opportunity to make it in life. He made everyday life comfortable for Martin. Martin never struggled. Although he got through college, he did so uneventfully. He performed poorly. He referred to his average grades as “gentlemanly Cs.” Martin had no experience with adversity. He felt optimistic about his future, even though he had no big plans or goals in mind. He was handsome, had many friends, played sports, and dated many girls. Martin showed little concern that life might turn out poorly for him.

Upon graduating with a major in business, many companies offered Martin jobs. He took a job in sales, which seemed right to him because he always enjoyed meeting and talking with people. In job training, he superficially learned about company products and strategies for selling them. Martin relied on his charm and social skills to engage potential customers. Before long, while other sales representatives increased their customer base, Martin had little to show for his efforts. His supervisor showed more concern over Martin’s performance than Martin did. The supervisor talked to Martin about it and encouraged him to try harder. Martin took lightly his supervisor’s concerns and continued in his ways. He occasionally sold a customer. Nevertheless, his selling efforts failed more than succeeded. It pleased him to bring in a new customer, though it was a rare occurrence.

Soon, his company terminated him because of his poor performance. Martin saw his termination as a temporary setback, and optimistically maintained that everything would work out in the end. Martin presented well. He easily got another sales job, and his social skills always got him through customers’ doors, but his reluctance to give up unproductive work behaviors prevented him from making sales. Here, too, his performance was lackluster. This company also terminated him for poor performance and lack of motivation to improve. Once again, Martin had little insight as to why the company terminated him. This pattern continued over the years.

Martin’s deficiency in hardy attitudes is more subtle than either Allan’s or Grace’s. His optimism at first may appear hardy, but superficial buoyancy can be a way of denying and avoiding problems. It’s difficult to solve problems you fail to see. Martin’s cheerful ways and social interest makes him seem committed to influence life circumstances. But, Martin’s naive optimism did him in. If you think changes and problems always turn out well without your effort, why put energy or time into working constructively to transform them? Naive optimism prevented Martin from seeing how life’s changes, positive or negative, can be opportunities to learn and grow. His laissez-faire approach to life hurt him in the end.