Chapter 5
Remember The Beachball
The first three SUMO principles have focused on increasing our personal self-awareness. They could be put under the heading ‘Understanding Yourself’. This fourth SUMO success principle moves us on from our own inner world and helps us to explore the world of others. In my experience, your ability to achieve better results in life comes through helping other people to do the same. Whether your needs are emotional, psychological or practical, the chances of them being fulfilled increase when you help others meet their needs.
So how can we achieve this?
In order for this to happen we need to develop a greater understanding and awareness of the people we deal with in our day-to-day lives. We need to get inside the heads of the people we meet in order to see the world from their viewpoints. To explain this further, let me share with you a simple, memorable and powerful illustration.
What is the beachball?
Imagine you are in a large room packed with over a hundred people. In the centre of the room is a large, multi-coloured beachball. When I say large, I mean huge. So big, in fact, that it stands at over thirty feet tall and touches the ceiling. Because of its size, the people are squeezed back to the edges of the room. Now here is the interesting part. When you ask people from one side of the room the colour of the beachball they reply, ‘Red, white and blue’; yet the people on the opposite side of the room claim to see three different colours: ‘Orange, green and yellow’. Despite looking at the same beachball, the perspective they are looking from influences the colours they see.
Most people will not say, ‘Well, from my perspective the beachball is red, white and blue, but I realize it might be different from yours’. No. People tend to believe that what they see is reality.
Thanks to the influence of the Greek philosophers Aristotle, Socrates and Plato, our education system in the West has conditioned us to think in logical, either/or, concrete terms. Things are either right or wrong. If, from where you are standing, the beachball is orange, green and yellow, it cannot also be red, white and blue. To continue the colour theme further, we have a tendency to think in black or white and in right or wrong terms. It seems safe. You see, when we don’t, we can be labelled indecisive. Being open to alternative viewpoints may be seen as a sign of weakness on our part.
People generally are not comfortable with ‘grey areas’. These are places of uncertainty. It is not how we have been taught to see the world. Winning an argument by proving the other person wrong is seen as a virtue. Education is a place where we ask, ‘Did you get the answers right?’ as opposed to, ‘What did you learn?’ Such a system of thinking is helpful in some areas such as mathematics, physics or engineering. Whatever side of the beachball you are on, the answer to 3 + 3 is 6. However, when it comes to understanding people and how they see the world, we need to adopt a more flexible way of thinking.
You may be familiar with the phrase ‘there are always two sides to a story’. Actually, there may be more. And each one may be valid.
The question is: what influences people’s perspectives? You’re about to find out.
What influences how we and others see the beachball?
There are numerous factors that influence our perspectives. These include our age, values, personality, gender, background, culture, beliefs and many more. For the purpose of this section, let’s explore four of them.
Our age influences how we see the beachball
I grew up in the 1960s. When I was young the term ‘a big mac’ meant a large overcoat you wore when it was raining. My children still look rather bemused when they ask for a ‘Big Mac’ and I reply, ‘Why, is it raining?’
The phrase ‘going all the way’ when I was growing up, meant staying on the bus until it got to the terminus. I understand it has different connotations these days. And I can still remember black and white television, having a choice of only three channels and actually having to physically move off my chair if I wanted to change station. (Boy, we had it tough in those days, but at least we kept fit.)
Age also influences our perspective on life. The introduction of new technology into the workplace may be viewed very differently by someone who has been using computers since they were a toddler, compared with the individual who never even used a calculator at school. I am not suggesting people of a certain age group cannot adapt to technology, but for some people, it has been much more a part of their lives than for others.
A job for life would have been the expectancy for many people prior to the 1980s. Now I meet people in their late 20s who nonchalantly talk about being made redundant for the second time in their career. And if you have teenagers in your household, think of their challenges as they come to terms with hormonal changes, discovering their sexuality and being caught somewhere between childhood and adulthood.
With age comes experience and invariably, the older you are, the more experience you have. How you see and respond to a situation could be very different from the person who, because of their age, has not had an opportunity to acquire the same amount of experience.
Our values influence how we see the beachball
Let me explain this from a personal perspective.
Our values give us what we believe to be ‘the right way’ to see the world. It naturally follows, in that case, that people who see things differently from us must have a ‘wrong view’. It is this mindset that thinks ‘my way is right and yours is wrong’ that hinders our ability to develop successful relationships. It also explains why people with similar values may be very different in terms of personality yet develop successful, long-term, meaningful relationships with each other.
Our personality influences how we see the beachball
Again, let me share with you a personal perspective.
There are many models for understanding different personality types, the most popular one being devised by Carl Jung, the Swiss psychologist (1875–1961). His aim was to help people understand themselves and others more fully, and explain why people perceive and respond to the world differently. Let me give a simple overview of one way of thinking about the four personality types. Remember, no one fits solely into one type; we are a blend of all four. However, like a cake recipe, some ‘flavours’ are more noticeable than others. Let me also stress, this is not intended to be an in-depth look at your personality. I include it purely as some food for thought.
The Cheerleader
An extrovert who gains energy from being around others. They have a tendency to ‘wear their emotions on their sleeve’. Cheerleaders thrive on praise and recognition. They can also be impulsive and spontaneous in their opinions and actions, i.e. they often act without thinking and jump quickly to conclusions. Cheerleaders tend not to be the most naturally organized and structured of people, and often attempt a number of tasks at once, starting a new one before finishing the previous one.
Main driver for a cheerleader
Get noticed, get appreciated.
Likely to say
‘Well, if you are looking for someone to interview for the company magazine, look no further.’
Unlikely to say
‘I’ve started so I’ll finish’, or ‘Here’s a detailed report I prepared earlier’.
How cheerleaders see the beachball
They often see the positive side of the situation and may fail to consider a more cautious perspective. However, their viewpoint may fluctuate depending on how they are feeling emotionally. Catch them in a low mood and it can seem like the world is about to end.
The Carer
Generally a sociable person who values people contact, although less extrovert than a Cheerleader. They prefer to be in the background as opposed to the centre of attention, and are comfortable listening to others as opposed to talking. On less important issues, they will allow others to take the initiative. (Observing two Carers deciding where to go for lunch is a fascinating exercise.)
They are likely to have a more easy-going approach to life than some people and will do their best to avoid conflict and confrontation. Carers may struggle to say ‘no’ to people’s requests, preferring to say ‘yes’ rather than run the risk of causing offence. They tend to be more of a follower than a leader.
Main driver for a carer
Get along with others.
Likely to say
‘Right, before we start the meeting; how was your weekend?’
Unlikely to say
‘OK everyone, I’m in charge here. Now listen up, I have a plan.’
How carers see the beachball
Their perspective is influenced by how the situation affects their relationships. How they feel about an issue can be more important than the facts themselves.
The Commander
An extrovert like the Cheerleader, but who is more focused on ‘getting things done’ with less concern for people. They typically adore ‘to-do lists’ and love the feeling of achievement when they are able to cross things off their list. Commanders thrive on challenges but their lack of patience comes to the fore when progress is delayed. They tend to be decisive, goal-orientated people who prefer talking to listening. Commanders are likely to make tough demands of themselves and of others, and they enjoy taking charge of a situation.
Main driver for a commander
Get things done.
Likely to say
‘Well, that’s another two hours wasted. Just exactly how long does it take to give birth these days?’
Unlikely to say
‘I would be really interested to hear what other people think.’
How commanders see the beachball
Could see exploring other people’s perspectives as a waste of time, as it delays the need to take action. Focus on ideas that achieve ‘quick wins’.
The Thinker
More of an introvert who gains their energy through reflection and having time to themselves, as opposed to being around people. Like the Carer they prefer to listen rather than talk and are more comfortable analysing data than dealing with people. Thinkers are more likely to take a deliberate, structured analytical approach to a task and are less distracted by feelings and emotions when assessing a situation.
They tend to be cautious in nature and often require copious amounts of detail before making a decision. Thinkers also enjoy giving comprehensive, detailed answers to questions of a technical nature – whether the other person requires it or not. Planning and organizational skills come naturally to a thinker. Being the centre of attention does not.
Main driver for a thinker
Get this task right.
Likely to say
‘Can you let me think about that and I’ll have a detailed report with you inside the next three months.’
Unlikely to say
‘I’ve just had a crazy idea. How about we organize a staff Christmas pantomime and I can be the lead role?’
How thinkers see the beachball
May have a tendency to see problems rather than possibilities, and focus on what could go wrong as opposed to why it might work. Could spend so long analysing the beachball that they fail to make any decision.
OK, review the four personality types. No one is exclusively one type and there will be elements of all four that you can relate to. However, if someone was to push you into a corner and force you to decide which two you identify with most, which would they be? You might not always behave that way, but which style are you most comfortable with?
(If you want to complete a quick and easy exercise to help shed some light on your preferred personality style, visit www.theSUMOguy.com/personality-test.aspx.)
Our current state of mind influences how we see the beachball
Imagine you have just gained a promotion at work. You are delighted. You feel good about yourself. Then, on the way home you are involved in a minor car accident. The damage is minimal and no one is hurt. You view the incident as a minor inconvenience and nothing more. But what if you hadn’t got the promotion? What if you had just been dumped by your partner? How would you respond to the minor accident now? Or if you are stuck in faulty thinking and your Inner Critic is bellowing in your ear, how receptive are you to the ‘constructive criticism’ your boss wants to give you?
Perhaps you are in ‘Hippo Time’ and you receive some unwelcome news. How will you respond now? Or maybe you have just got back from the slimming club and won Slimmer of the Week for losing the most weight. When you return home, one of your children asks to borrow the car. What is your likely answer? Would it be the same answer if you had put on weight?
Our view of situations can fluctuate greatly depending on how we are feeling at that particular time. Remember that when you’re next communicating to someone, or listening to their story.
How to recognize when you’re only seeing your side of the beachball
It is easy to spot when this is occurring. Simply notice the language you start to use. Take a look at the list of phrases and tick when it’s one you’ve said or thought in the last few months.
- ‘Why can’t you see it my way?’ (Have you tried to see it ‘their way’?)
- ‘I don’t understand my kids. They never listen to a word I say.’ (How can you understand someone when you are doing all the talking?)
- ‘Why can’t you be reasonable?’ (Presumably you have decided what ‘reasonable’ means, i.e. to see and respond to the world the way you do.)
- ‘What planet are you on?’ (Well, maybe it is time to enter their space and find out.)
- ‘That music is awful. You’ve no taste.’ (In truth we all have taste, it’s just that not everyone shares yours.)
- ‘They can be so boring.’ (You mean, they don’t meet your criteria of what interesting and exciting is like.)
- ‘There is only one way to handle this problem.’ (In fact, there could be a number of alternatives, but you are going with the first one that comes to mind.)
Get the picture? Actually, we probably don’t get the full picture unless we are prepared to remove our blinkers. Most of us (including myself) need reminding of how many different ways the world can be viewed and the factors that influence people’s perspective. But does appreciating others’ viewpoints mean I have to agree with them?
Understanding does not mean agreeing
Discovering someone’s perspective, and understanding the reasons for their views, does not necessarily mean we agree and embrace them ourselves. You will meet some very sincere people who hold very strong opinions on life. You may believe them to be sincerely wrong. However, if you want to persuade them at least to consider another viewpoint, but begin with the attitude, ‘I am right, you are wrong’, it will do little to encourage meaningful dialogue.
When you begin with the attitude, ‘Let me first try to understand why you think and behave the way you do’, you’re more likely to encourage an open and honest discussion. When you feel people have listened to you and tried to understand you, then you are more likely to listen to them.
Having looked at why people see the beachball differently, let’s look at how we go about understanding another person’s viewpoint.
How to move forward
If you have not done so already, identify a relationship that you know needs to improve. Perhaps you have failed to see the other person’s side of the beachball up until now, or you have failed to communicate how things look from your perspective. A willingness to Shut Up the old approach and Move On to a different strategy may now be required. Here are some practical ideas on how to help the process. The relevance of some of the ideas will depend on the context of the conversation.
- Firstly, do not attempt to have a conversation when both of you are angry. You will both be in primitive brain and ‘discussion’ is likely to become an argument. At least one of you needs to be in ‘rational brain’.
- Work hard at actively listening and indicate to the other person through your body language that you are. Make some eye contact, avoid distractions (such as the computer or the television being on) and give this person your full attention. Their perception of whether or not you are listening is crucial.
- Don’t interrupt the other person and take over the conversation. Allow them to vent.
- Don’t finish off the other person’s sentences. This can give the impression you are rushing them and sometimes you get it wrong.
- Work hard at trying to understand their perspective. Put aside preconceived ideas of what you think their view is.
- As you listen, look for what you can agree with, rather than focus on what divides you.
- When they have finished speaking, the first question to ask is, ‘Is there anything else you would like to add?’ This prevents you from jumping in immediately with your perspective. It also provides the other person with an opportunity to summarize their points, and perhaps re-emphasize an issue that is important to them.
- Before moving on to share your perspective, ask questions to gain clarification, e.g. ‘When you said… can you explain that a little more?’ or ‘Can you give me an example of that, please?’ This is not done to make the other person defensive, but in order genuinely to understand their view.
- It is now your turn to share how you see things. Ensure the behaviour you have modelled is followed by the other person. (This might require you having to be assertive if they start to interrupt you or do not allow you to finish.)
Helpful phrases to use
The following phrases may prove helpful in your conversation. However, use language and terminology you are comfortable with. These are just some examples:
‘Help me understand your perspective on this.’
‘Can we explore some options on how best to deal with this situation?’
‘I would be really interested to know what you think.’
‘I’m conscious I’m only seeing things from my perspective; what would your view be?’
‘Maybe I’ve been a bit inflexible in my approach up until now.’
And when you need to communicate your perspective…
‘Can I shed some light on how I see things?’
‘Let me fill you in on how things look from my perspective.’
‘I’d value you giving me some time to share my take on things.’
‘I appreciate you might not be aware of all the facts from my viewpoint, so let me elaborate.’
These ideas and phrases are intended to help the process. They will not guarantee a successful outcome, but they do increase the chances.
Move things forward by challenging the golden rule
You may have come across a concept called ‘the golden rule’. Many people believe it to be the best advice you can have on how to build successful relationships. Personally I’m not so sure. Here’s why.
The golden rule states the following:
‘Treat people as you would want to be treated.’
This seems a fairly noble view, and it’s true regarding the ethics and morality of our behaviour. However, in terms of communication style and personality preferences, it’s not always helpful. Does an introverted, middle-aged ‘Thinker’ who has recently got married and moved to the countryside want to be treated in the same way as a young, recently divorced ‘Cheerleader’ who has just started work in the city?
The SUMO rule is this:
‘Not everyone wants to be treated in the same way as you do.
Treat people as they want to be treated.’
Most people do want to be dealt with fairly, honestly and with respect. But after that, it is up to us to find out what works best for them. When you do, you are better equipped to achieve a more favourable outcome. So challenge conventional wisdom and be prepared to bring a new perspective to things.
Consider a relationship where a beachball conversation would be helpful and reflect on the following questions:
- Reflect for a moment on what factors are influencing this person’s view of the beachball. How old is this person? Could that be influencing how they’re seeing the world? What do you believe is important to them, and what do they value?
- Consider the four personality types: Cheerleader, Carer, Commander, Thinker. Which combination would they be?
- How would you say this person is feeling at the moment? Are they in Hippo Time? Perhaps they’re struggling with faulty thinking? Maybe they’re feeling great. In one sentence describe their current state of mind.
- In what ways have you tried to understand their perspective and see their side of the beachball?
- Have you clearly communicated your perspective? (Remember, using the phrase ‘I shouldn’t have to, they should know’ is you failing to take responsibility. It could be argued you are playing the role of Victim with such an approach.)
- If there was one single action you could take to help influence and improve the relationship what would it be? (Your response to the event can influence the outcome.)
The joy of a new perspective
Life can become quite interesting when you look at things from a new angle. I came across this piece recently. I hope you enjoy it. It is entitled ‘The George Carlin Theory’.*
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends…
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it? Death. I mean, what’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you move to an old people’s home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch and then you go to work. You work for forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You have fun, party plenty, then you get ready for senior school. Then you go to junior school, you become a kid, you play and you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating… and you finish off as an orgasm.
In a nutshell
The ability to succeed in life is inextricably linked to our ability to deal with people. To know how best to deal with others we need to start with trying to understand them. When we appreciate how and why people view the world differently and respond appropriately to that, we are able to connect and engage with them at a completely new level.