Chapter 4
EMPATHY
The Basis of Connection
You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself.
—John Steinbeck
People with a finely tuned sense of empathy are better at building relationships, trust, and collaborating more effectively than others. They're the ones who colleagues refer to as having a “knack with people.” And because every business is a people business, this is a knack worth having.
Empathic leaders are skilled connectors. Development Dimensions International (DDI), one of the world's largest leadership development consultancies, studied more than 15,000 leaders across 300 companies in 18 countries. They found that leaders who master listening and respond with empathy will perform more than 40% higher than their peers in overall performance, coaching, engaging others, planning and organizing, and decision-making.1
Richard S. Wellins, senior vice president, states, “Being able to listen and respond with empathy is overwhelmingly the one interaction skill that outshines all other skills leaders need to be successful.”
This chapter explores the complex dimensions of empathy. You'll get to know what it is and what it isn't. Empathy is much more than a touchy-feely concept, and you'll get a firm grounding in the business benefits that empathy brings. You'll walk away with a clear understanding as to why it's so essential to your leadership.
Before we begin, I want to share a personal experience of the connection between empathy and leadership. It all started with an ordinary trip to a grocery store.
It was a crisp October day, both sunny and breezy, the kind of brilliant autumn day that New England is famous for. The entire afternoon was blocked off for errands. I'd grabbed Miranda, my then three-year-old daughter, and strapped her into the car seat behind me. We'd already gone to the library to drop off some books, to the dry cleaners to get some shirts laundered, and picked up her six-year-old brother, Alexander, from kindergarten. All this while listening to Raffi Live in Concert on repeat.
We headed south to our last stop of the day: shopping at Trader Joe's. The nearest Trader Joe's from my house is a bit of a trip. To get there, you have to cross the bridge over the Connecticut River, and with traffic, this can take up to 40 minutes.
On this October day, traffic was surprisingly light, and all was proceeding according to plan. The minivan was filled with music, singing, and laughter. That is, until we got to the Trader Joe's parking lot.
As I got out of the car, I patted down every pocket I had. My wallet was missing! Where had I left it? I replayed the afternoon over again in my mind and realized that I hadn't used my wallet for any purchases thus far. Knowing me, I probably just left it at home.
A quick phone call to my wife confirmed my suspicion. My wallet was sitting on the table at home where I'd left it. Now I had another problem to deal with: I had no money or credit cards to go shopping.
A potential solution popped into my head. Because I traveled so much for work, I happened to know my credit card numbers, expiration dates, and security codes from memory. I thought that maybe the store could call in my card number (the way you'd do it if you were purchasing something over the phone) and get my purchase approved.
I hoisted a squirming Miranda to the rear of a shopping cart and struggled to get her large toddler feet through the square openings of the child seat. After finally succeeding in getting her situated, I realized that Alex was nowhere in sight. He'd wandered off on his own through the store. After finding him in the freezer aisle ogling the ice cream, I grabbed his hand and led my dynamic duo to the manager's station. There I met Carlotta, a tall woman with a Hawaiian shirt on. I told Carlotta what had happened and proposed my solution of calling in the credit card.
“I'm really sorry,” she told me. “I wish we could, but unfortunately, we need to have the physical card to process the transaction.”
My heart sank into my stomach. So much for a good idea. This whole trip to the store had been a waste. I was really upset with myself. I still couldn't believe I'd left my wallet at home. There was nothing left to do but put my tail between my legs and head back to the minivan.
I exhaled a huge sigh of disappointment. Just then, I noticed someone else's presence in the manager's booth. A balding man with glasses was looking intently at me. He was also wearing a staff Hawaiian shirt. His nametag read “Peter: Assistant Manager.”
Peter said, “Hey.” Then he just paused and looked at me directly. Our eyes met.
He then said, “You live in Northampton, is that right?”
“Yes,” I replied.
Peter nodded at me. “I do that drive a lot. It's not so easy to get here. Especially with the construction going on right now over the bridge.”
I suddenly felt a lot more relaxed. Peter really got me.
He continued, “Sorry about your wallet. You know, stuff happens. Why don't you just go ahead and do your shopping. When you're done, have the cashier call me over. I'll put it on my credit card and you can pay me back.”
It took me a second. “What?” I asked, dumbfounded.
“Do your shopping, and I'll put the purchase on my credit card.”
“Is that a store credit card?”
“No. It's my personal credit card,” Peter said nonchalantly, as though he did this every day.
“You would DO that?!”
“Yeah, no trouble. Next time you're in the store you can pay me back.”
“I don't come over here often. I'm heading out of town for work—I wasn't planning to come back for a few weeks.”
“No trouble. Pay me when you come back,” Peter smiled. “You'd be surprised. It happens more often than you'd think.”
I was completely floored. Here was a guy who I'd just met, about to make an unsecured loan to a complete stranger.
“Thanks,” was the best I could muster.
We did our shopping. The total was $73.42.
I left on a business trip the next day, but there was no way I could let weeks go by without repaying Peter. I made sure to ask my wife to make a special trip over the river, along with a check and a handwritten thank-you note.
On that afternoon, Peter did more than give me financial support; he gave me emotional support. Our interchange wasn't just transactional; it was personal. Peter connected to what I was going through—my circumstances, my story, and my feelings. With that knowledge, he quickly acted to help me out.
Peter's action left quite an impression on me. Not only do I shop at Trader Joe's more regularly since that day, but when I go in, I make a point to say hello and connect with the staff members. I've gotten to know them as people. I feel like part of their community. Empathy can be contagious.
Not only do I feel gratitude toward Peter and my local store but also I now have a soft spot for the brand of Trader Joe's. I guess you could call me one of their raving fans. I've been inspired to share this story with hundreds of people when leading seminars. Remarkably, quite a few members of these audiences have approached me afterward to tell me their own Trader Joe's story. They too have had a connection with a Trader Joe's employee who went completely above and beyond for them.
As a company, Trader Joe's has found ways to codify and demonstrate empathy for their customers. Not only do these connections feel good but also they're good for the bottom line. A recent report found Trader Joe's sells $1,734 per square foot of store space (the profitability metric in the grocery sector). To give you a sense of how much this dominates the competition, Whole Foods sells $930 per square foot, and Kroger sells $496 per square foot.2
WHAT IS EMPATHY?
I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.
—Maya Angelou
There are two main aspects of empathy. The first is cognitive empathy. This is the ability to see things from other people's perspectives. This skill enables you to step into their shoes and understand not only their point of view but also the various forces that informed how they arrived at that point of view.
The second aspect of empathy is called affective empathy. It's the ability to notice someone else's emotional state and respond appropriately. Being empathic in this way takes nuance. It takes a high degree of attunement to listen beyond what people say to what they mean.
Empathy is programmed into us. As humans, we're hardwired to emotionally attune with those around us. Our brains have cells called mirror neurons, which are designed to reflect the actions and emotions of others.
Mirror neurons fire when you do an action, as well as when you simply watch someone else doing the same action. These neural-emotional circuits are open-looped, which is what connects us to those around us. For example, your mirror neurons activate when you hear a baby cry out in distress and you feel moved to go and help the child.
You see massive displays of empathy in the wake of natural disasters or large-scale crises. For example, I was living in New York City during the 9/11 attacks. In the aftermath, I was compelled to do something—anything—to help. I called up five hospitals to see if I could be of support in any way. In each case, my request was turned down. Why? The hospitals had been flooded with volunteer requests and were completely at capacity.
Empathy is the catalyst for cooperation within groups. Working together is what allowed small tribes of our paleolithic ancestors to survive and ultimately thrive. Though they were smaller, weaker, and slower than the predators around them, their capacity to team up gave them a competitive edge.
As good as it all sounds, our species' relationship with empathy is not all rainbows, peaches, and cream. It turns out we're not all empathy, all the time. What gets in the way?
Although we are hardwired to empathize with others, we don't express it with all others. Some people are in our empathy circle, others are excluded. What makes the difference? Whether we already feel acquainted with them. Family members and friends make the cut. Strangers don't. That's why tribal warfare has continued from the days of hunter-gatherers to the present day.
But there doesn't have to be a war or a tribal feud to see the effects of our ancestral wiring. In a recent experiment at the University of Virginia, psychologists placed the subjects in a functional magnetic imaging (fMRI) scanner so they could observe brain activity.
There, the subjects learned of the potential threat of an electric shock. They were told that the shock would be given to either the subject, a friend of the subject, or a stranger.
When the subject thought they'd receive the shock, the regions of the brain that respond to danger lit up. When they learned that a stranger would get a shock, these same parts of the brain remained quiet. Most surprisingly, however, when they learned a friend would receive a shock, the same danger parts of the brain lit up to the same extent they did when they thought they'd get the shock themselves.
“The correlation between self and friend was remarkably similar,” lead researcher James Coan said. “The finding shows the brain's remarkable capacity to model self to others, that people close to us become a part of ourselves, and that is not just metaphor or poetry, it's very real.”3
This research shows why it's so important for leaders to be inclusive. Inclusivity brings people into your empathy circle. You'll not only better look out for your “tribe” but you'll reap the benefits as well.
LEADERSHIP BENEFITS OF EMPATHY
Demonstrating empathy—showing that you care—forms the basis for building effective working relationships. When you give others empathy, they will reciprocate with gifts in kind. These gifts include trust, insights, and innovation.
Empathy Builds Trust. Trust Gets Results.
Trust is the new currency of work. In our high-tech, mobile age, it's easier than ever for employees to jump ship and for other employers to poach your people. Loyalty and engagement cannot be mandated. Commitment is built from the ground up, one relationship at a time.
If trust is high, both people and results prosper. A Watson Wyatt study found that high-trust organizations outperform low-trust organizations in total return to shareholders by 286%.4
Low-trust workplaces are energy drains. In such environments, people don't feel comfortable being genuine. They're afraid they won't be accepted. Instead, they resign themselves to wearing a corporate mask. Empathizing allows the walls to come down. Instead of spending valuable energy operating on the defensive, employees can focus on working toward the mission of your organization. At the same time, you'll increase your influence.
Empathy Creates Insight. Insight Creates Results.
What is insight? Insight is deep understanding into all parts of an issue. Gaining insight is a process in which gaining facts is just the first step. Next, we need to figure out what those facts mean.
The problem is that we don't all get the same meaning out of facts. My meaning is based on my past, my preferences, and my culture, all of which are different from yours. Merely having information isn't enough. We need to transform data into insight. This isn't easy, especially in an era of data overload. Futurist John Naisbitt predicted this phenomenon over 35 years ago, when he wrote in his bestselling book Megatrends, “We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.”7
After we create this meaning, we next fill in any gaps of understanding with our own assumptions and biases. These will differ, based on our individual history, hopes, desires, and fears. Finally, we arrive at our version of “reality.” From here, we make decisions, act, and get our results.
Results come from the choices we make. Poor decisions lead to poor outcomes; great choices yield great results. The choices we make are only as good as the knowledge we have when we make them. Thus, knowledge is the key to informed decision-making.
One of the biggest challenges with getting genuine insight is the tendency to skim through these steps. For most people, this entire insight-gaining process happens in the blink of an eye—and completely unconsciously. People with a low degree of empathy don't question their own assumptions and quickly jump to their own conclusions.
However, people with a high degree of empathy are inquisitive. They actively seek out differing points of view. They crave depth and breadth. Before they make decisions, they want to understand as much as possible.
Empathic leaders pick up on subtle cues that tip the balance of insight in their favor. Consider the case of Joanne. Joanne is currently the director of brand strategy for a high-end retail chain. Early in her career, she managed the cosmetics department in one of the chain's stores.
One of her frontline employees, Emma, had been working the cosmetics counter for about four months. Emma was about 18 years old. Emma was terrific with customers, but as Joanne described her, “a little rough around the edges.”
Part of Emma's job was to do makeovers on customers. She was an excellent make-up artist and was also extremely personable, building rapport with the women at the counter.
However, some aspects of her performance were not up to par. By the time the makeover was done, Emma's counter would be a total mess. She wasn't able to get it fully clean for future customers. Also, whenever Joanne stopped by, she noticed that Emma's uniform would look dirty, with bits of makeup on it.
Appearances were a huge company value and selling point, and they had clear policies around appearance that could not be violated. Maintaining a neat appearance was not a nice-to-do: it was a must-do. Joanne coached Emma on her performance gaps. Her counter cleanliness immediately improved, but her uniform continued to look dirty during the weekend shifts.
Joanne was torn. As much as she liked Emma, and as much as she had potential, this appearance issue was not okay. Joanne started thinking about letting Emma go.
Joanne told me,
I remember the day vividly. I went to meet Emma at the start of a shift in the employee break room. I'd thought through what I was going to say. I was going to tell her that she should pack her things and leave. However, when I looked in her eyes, something told me that there was something else going on. I needed to get more information.
Taking that extra moment to ask her about her side of the story was the best thing I ever did as a manager.
What I learned was that Emma had been living on her own since she was fifteen years old. Her parents had basically abandoned her. She had next to no money and was living in a tiny single room, with no stove, no bath, nothing. She was also responsible for her younger brother.
She had to wash herself in her sink, and do her laundry in the sink as well. Given her hours and her commute, she couldn't figure out a way to wash her work uniform and find a way to get it to dry unless she had a day off in between shifts, so her uniform would always end up dirty towards the end of her workweek.
When she shared that with me, I realized that, yes, it was only toward the end of the week that her uniform was dirty. It was always fine on Tuesday, after her day off.
Here I was, thinking I had this lazy or irresponsible girl on my hands. Nothing could be further from the truth! Instead, Emma was busting her tail trying to do anything she could to make her job work. To make her life work. I never looked at her in the same way again.
I asked her if it would help if she had an extra uniform or two, so she wouldn't have to worry about cleaning it every night. It was against policy, but in this case, I was happy to bend the rules for her situation. When I mentioned that I'd like to help her with two extra uniforms, she started to cry right there in front of me. The lesson I learned from Emma is that there's always a story behind the story. It's my job as a leader to find out what that backstory is.
Empathy is what prompted Joanne to dig deeper and ask Emma further questions. It's what allowed her to create a connection so that Emma felt safe to tell the truth. Without empathy, Joanne would have lost an outstanding employee who delivered great results with excellent customer service. Demonstrating empathy can illuminate problems you might not notice otherwise and help you create solutions.
Empathy Fosters Innovation. Innovation Gets Results.
Executives know that their company's competitive advantage lies in their ability to create new and better products, services, or processes that internal and external customers find valuable.
Unfortunately, there's a crime being committed right now in corporate meeting rooms all over world. New ideas are being assassinated. Employees are putting forth novel approaches to doing things, and their thoughts are being shot down. The driving force behind this crime is fear: fear of the new, fear of change, and fear of failure.
A weird thing happens when leadership kills ideas: the pipeline for other potential ideas suddenly dries up. If someone witnesses an idea assassination, there's no way they're going to put their own suggestions out there to be shot down. It feels too risky. So, idea generation slows to a trickle.
Empathic leaders recognize that you can't create a culture of innovation without fostering a climate that supports it. They know that new ideas, like young seedlings, are not fully formed yet, and they need support and nurturance to take root and grow. When people know that you support their ideas, they feel comfortable to speak up and share what they think and feel.
Let's return to the example of Apple. For years, Apple (similar to many companies) tried to solicit suggestions from their retail employees. However, their efforts were sporadic, and without further resources and attention, it never went anywhere.
Fast forward to when Angela Ahrendts joined the company. We've already learned how she created connection with thousands of retail employees by traveling around and visiting more than 100 stores. It was only after she'd built these relationships, and started the ongoing weekly video communications that she introduced the internal app for ideas and feedback. Without that real-time, face-to-face trust-building process that Ahrendts led the company through, the app concept could have bombed. Employees would have seen it as one more drilled-down management flavor-of-the-month thing to get through until it disappeared.
But because the climate was tended to first, the app worked remarkably well. It was through the app portal that Ahrendts and her team got the idea for the Genius Bar's concierge service. This allows customers to make a reservation for their appointment, rather than just walking up and having to wait their turn. The idea for the concierge service came from a Texas associate who saw the process used while she was waiting at her local Dallas department of motor vehicles.8
The best innovations come from the best ideas, and it turns out the best ideas are more likely to emerge when you have a large quantity of ideas to choose from. Using empathy can help foster a climate where people will feel good about sharing their ideas with you.
If empathy brings all these benefits—trust, insight, innovation—then why isn't it practiced more often? Shouldn't it be standard operating procedure everywhere? Sadly, it's not. Leaders face many challenges to leading with empathy. You'll learn about these challenges and gain tools to conquer them next.