CHAPTER 6

THE RESOLVE MODEL OF CONNECTION

Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.

Mahatma Gandhi

RESOLVE is a model designed to manage conflict instead of letting the conflict manage you. People are afraid of conflicts because, by definition, they are uncomfortable. This results in trying to avoid them as much as possible. The track record of the avoidance route is poor. Unresolved conflicts lead to strained communication, difficulties in teamwork, decreased productivity, higher turnover and a toxic work environment. Our experience is that conflicts, if managed wisely, are, in fact, huge opportunities to strengthen relationships. This chapter provides tools that will give you confidence to deal with conflicts and discover their potential in terms of building trust, enhancing creativity and opening the doors to new practices.

This chapter will give you the ability to:

• ■build the necessary skills to resolve conflicts and turn stressful situations into empowering moments
• ■connect to others’ perspectives in a way that benefits all stakeholders
• ■establish boundaries and identify what is actually important
• ■choose your battles wisely in a way that will maximise gain and reduce unnecessary losses
• ■act from your power zone by distinguishing what is real and what isn’t and knowing what you can change and what you cannot
• ■assess timing and have confidence about when to act and when to wait
• ■link RESOLVE to how it can be used by people with different connector types.

When solving problems, dig at the roots instead of just hacking at the leaves.

Anthony J. D’Angelo

RESOLVE presents seven tools for resolving stressful situations and addressing conflict. Having practical tools to manage conflict will help you manage difficult situations in a way that will create an open and productive dialogue. This will bolster your internal clarity about your goals and intentions, which, in turn, will translate to external confidence. People around you will trust you because complex issues won’t be swept under the rug, but will be used to create a thriving and open-dialogue work environment.

The process of resolving conflicts does not guarantee a life without problems. It is a process in which you will have both small wins and major setbacks. The true potential of conflicts is hidden in the process of resolving them. While we wish we could promise that the other side will immediately see the light, realising how wrong they were, and engage in intense, loving acts of repair, that unfortunately is not a realistic expectation. The process of resolving a conflict requires a constant negotiation, give and take and compromise. The outcome is likely to be different from what you envisioned it would be. It is important to keep that expectation in your mind during any conflict resolution process.

Ready to give it a try?

It is especially effective to read about the tools while keeping in mind a current and relevant conflict.

RESOLVE MODEL AT A GLANCE

Realise reality: find clarity in situations and focus on issues that are actually under your control.

Establish clear boundaries: negotiate with clarity and confidence about what is important to you and what are your red lines.

Seek support: elicit the right kind of support because, more often than not, it helps to have at least one person on your side.

Own your part: have the courage to say, ‘I am sorry’ when and where appropriate and acknowledge your strengths as well as your shortcomings.

Listen: open the door to improving your listening skills.

Validate and agree: remember the power of seeing, hearing and understanding someone else’s perspective.

Evolve: focus on timing, especially knowing the right time to act.

The model is not linear. It outlines seven different tools that can help you address conflict effectively. The final tool, Evolve, will help you to assess where you are, what the situation requires, and what the best next path forward is.

There are multiple options and approaches for using the RESOLVE model. You can read it all or cherry pick the tools you need. The most important element of this model is that you play around with it, tailor it to specifically meet your particular needs, and make it yours.

TOOL # 1: REALISE REALITY

The first tool in this process requires us to engage in an internal examination of ourselves, defining what is and what isn’t real, as well as what is and what isn’t under our control. Being able to distinguish between reality and fantasy can save you from the anxiety of chasing imaginary demons or wild fantasies. While it may sound simple, organising your thinking is paramount to making informed decisions and taking effective actions. We name the space where things are real and under our control our power zone because, when you act from this place, intentions turn to outcomes.

What is real?

The majority of conflicts take place inside our minds. In a tweet from Psychology Today, Dr Leslie Becker-Phelps (2019) states: ‘Don’t believe everything you think’, and adds that ‘learning to separate your thoughts and beliefs can change your life’.

The ‘monster moment’ shown below is an excellent example of the ways our thinking can mislead us and create unnecessary battles:

• ■Josh’s story is an example of a grown-up version of our childhood ‘monster moments’. Just like a child in the middle of the night who is terrified of a monster, our adult ‘monster moments’ come from a combination of fear and the unknown. These fears can grow and, if left unchecked, can create a fictitious story based on false assumptions. These assumptions may spiral out of control and create a ‘monster’ in your mind. Most conflicts are created from a monster story similar to this.

Josh is not unique. We all have our own daily ‘monster moments’. The way to deal with these is to shed light on them and be aware of our false assumptions.

Monster moments are powerful and convincing but, nevertheless, they are not real. They minimise your ability to see the situation for what it is and address it effectively. In order to deal with those moments, you need to shed light upon them.

What is under your control?

If you want to go the extra mile, we recommend examining whether something is under your control or not. The famous ‘Serenity Prayer’, the common name for a prayer written by American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, states:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

We can determine what is (and what is not) under our control by using a simple test:

• ■Yes: if I can do something about it, it is under my control.
• ■No: if I cannot do anything about it, then, atleast right now, it is not under my control.

No matter how hard we try and, despite our best efforts, we cannot make the sun rise from the West, we cannot stop the rain, and we cannot control earthquakes, floods, etc. In the same way, we cannot control how other people think, feel or behave – though we often believe we can. On the other hand, we can make choices about how we deal with the sun rising, the rain falling, or an earthquake occurring. In difficult and conflictual situations, there is a natural tendency to attempt to manage things that are not under our control, like managing others’ actions and behaviours. Distinguishing between what is under your control and what isn’t will help you gain clarity and prevent loss of time and other resources.

Oftentimes, simply acknowledging what is real and under your control propels you into a powerful position, allowing you to move forward with clarity and confidence, feeling connected and empowered.

TOOL # 2: ESTABLISH CLEAR BOUNDARIES

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.

Brené Brown

This tool focuses on establishing boundaries. Boundaries represent your personal space and what you consider yours; your material belongings as well as your values, opinions, ideas and preferences. Within your boundaries, you feel at home, safe and comfortable. Conflict resolution and any negotiation require exploration outside the safety of your home, outside of your comfort zone.

One of the managers we worked with explained it as follows: ‘Dealing with everyday conflicts in the office, I know I will have to learn to do things differently, but, at the end of the day, I still want to recognise the person that I see in the mirror. I want to know that I was flexible and accommodating while protecting fiercely what is vital to me. This means that every day I need to remind myself what is essential, so I won’t engage in unnecessary battles and I also won’t violate my values and principles.

The process of conflict resolution is based on a ‘give and take’. It is a delicate balancing act; you need to be flexible enough in order to accommodate someone else’s wants and needs, yet firm enough to respect and not cross your own boundaries.

Relationships can be assessed by looking at the balance of this ‘give and take’ harmony. Your job is to know exactly what you are willing to give, what is negotiable and what is not, and what constitutes a radical and firm ‘no’ from you. As long as you don’t violate your own boundaries by neglecting what is important to you, you are free to engage in the negotiation process. Let’s say you prioritise being home with the family and having a healthy work–life balance, then working extra hours in the office instead of playing with your children would be a ‘no go’, regardless of consequences. You might, in this case, offer to be effective in another way. While this process may push you outside your comfort zone, it will also allow you to explore new terrain. It is difficult to be truly flexible when you don’t have a solid foundation to come back to. This foundation includes being aware of your core values, needs and wants.

Once our goals are clear, we are both able and willing to accommodate the other side’s needs. We are already well on our way to resolving many conflicts!

TOOL # 3: SEEK SUPPORT

Support is the biggest investment you can make in your life. A little bit of it can make a huge difference.

Support is the cornerstone of our existence. Having personal and professional supportive relationships are a solid predictor of health, well-being and success. Emmy Werner and Ruth Smith, researchers in the Kauai Longitudinal Study (Werner, 2005), found that children who grew up in impoverished and challenging situations were able to become functional and successful adults if they had a ‘supportive relationship with at least one reliable adult’. In the same way, having one good, reliable co-worker friend can help transform your entire working experience, making you resilient – even in a dysfunctional environment.

Once you are involved in a conflict, it can be extremely important to activate your support network. In order to do this, you should have your support network built and ready to go, even if just for that. Relatively few working professionals find it easy to ask for help when needed, many more prefer not to do it, being concerned about revealing weaknesses and/or vulnerabilities.

Dig deeper; ask yourself: how easy it is for you to seek support?

Look at the 10 questions written below. Be candid with yourself and check on how many of them you can honestly answer positively. Each one of these is a tool for increasing resilience. You do not need to adapt them all, of course, but you can choose to work with ones that suit you. You will be able to feel the results quite quickly.

Enter yes, no or partly in the table below.

1.	Do you spend as much time as you possibly can with people who care about you and in whom you feel empowered in their presence?
2.	Do you ask for help when needed? (See more about seeking help in the next paragraph.)
3.	Do you work to build stable routines and habits?
4.	Do you engage in mindful practices, like meditation, yoga and relaxation techniques?
5.	Do you exercise regularly?
6.	Do you spend time and effort to build a sense of mastery in your work?
7.	Do you leave time to play, i.e. enjoy lightness and levity in your life?
8.	Do you actively express gratitude?
9.	Are you generous with yourself and others?
10.	Did you, or do you cultivate a sense of humour? (Yes, humour is a skill that can be developed!)

Examine your answers: how many yes’s did you enter above? Any place you marked no, or partly, needs your attention and a decision if there is anything you would want to do about it.

As our years of experience in working with executives in leadership positions indicates, the reluctance to seek support is rather frequent. It is exacerbated by an antiquated view that celebrates ‘the lone wolf’ and heroic leaders who have all the answers. Instead of searching for help or assistance, many leaders tend to hide behind a facade of certainty and false confidence, pretending that everything is cool and under control.

TOOL # 4: OWN IT!

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.

Aristotle

Sun Tzu in The Art of War (Giles, 2013) wisely pointed out that, ‘If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the results of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained, you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.’

It’s a tall order, knowing yourself intimately. It requires recognising your strengths, weaknesses, limiting beliefs and vulnerabilities. Acknowledging and facing your fears – a difficult step – can seem as if it borders on the impossible, as there will always be aspects of ourselves, others and situations that are unknown to us. The goal is to strive to know as much as possible.

Owning our strengths

The next step is to understand your strengths and acknowledge what you bring to the table. Contributing is a key feature in our human existence – we need to be and feel effective.

In her book, A Return to Love (1992), Marianne Williamson wrote:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

Unveiling our shadow: weaknesses, limiting beliefs and vulnerabilities

You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.

Brené Brown

An interesting concept about unveiling our shadow is that we all share the same basic vulnerability. Most of us deny the fact that we feel inadequate in some aspect of our lives, that we are not good enough, incompetent and that others would discover that we are just pretending.

Owning our fears

Fear is a big factor in the way we live and a major contributor to conflicts. Facing our fears, examining them closely, admitting them and working with them is a major part of any resolution.

Fear and anxiety are future-oriented. We all share the same fundamental fear: loss. We fear losing control, losing our health, losing meaning, losing family members and friends, losing others’ appreciation and respect, losing our voice, losing the ability to be effective, losing career and professional reputation and, of course, losing our lives. The two most prominent fears that we all have (and try to hide) are the fear of not being good enough and the fear of not being loved.

Managing your fears takes time because we need to open a dialogue with them, acknowledging them, inviting them in, trying to determine their origin and listening to the story they want to tell. This exercise involves going the extra mile and takes practice, but it is worthwhile.

To many of you, this may sound impossible or uncomfortable because most of our workplaces don’t encourage – or even allow – this kind of candid and direct interaction. Just imagine how much more authentic your life would be if you could comfortably say: ‘I am sorry I was rude to you. I was afraid that we wouldn’t finish this project on time.’ While it would make our lives immeasurably easier, as a culture, we are not at a place where direct candour is comfortable. The obvious starting point is taking the next baby step towards acknowledging our fears internally.

TOOL # 5: LISTEN

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.

Doug Larson

Listening is a powerful tool in relationships. It has the power to transform conflicts to solutions and foes into friends. Renowned author Stephen Covey argued that, ‘most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply’ (Covey, 2005). In 2015, the Harvard Business Review (HBR) announced Lars Sørensen, CEO of Novo Nordisk, as the best CEO for the second year running. Judges from HBR explained that this was based on exceptional delivery of business results and Sørensen’s ability to work collaboratively with his management team and scientists across the business. His humility, collaborative style, courage to seek advice/help from others, and ability to listen and implement were praised as outstanding and the key for both individual and organisational success. Sørensen was able to lead experts without understanding their field because he was able to truly listen to them.

The act of listening is both an intention and a skill. It entails the intention of truly hearing and understanding someone else, and it requires openness, curiosity and purposefully avoiding the temptation of taking the content personally, or trying to fix the other person. When you make an honest attempt to understand someone else, it increases significantly the chances that this person will be open to you and, even if they don’t, the attempt to understand already makes a difference. True listening opens the door to creativity, deeper understanding and a sincere willingness to accommodate others’ needs and requests.

One reason that we don’t benefit from the power of listening is that we often stumble upon obstacles, closing our ears and blocking our hearts.

These are some of the most common obstacles:

• ■The fear of being wrong (prevalent with people with a dominant specialist connector type).
• ■Being hijacked by emotions that may get stirred up during the conversation (prevalent with people with a dominant facilitator connector type).
• ■The need to perform, sound knowledgeable and smart (prevalent with people with a dominant specialist connector type).
• ■The need to ‘fix’ the other person or issues at hand (prevalent with people with a dominant director connector type).
• ■Being distracted, most often by our phones or other technology (read: rude!) (prevalent with people with a dominant innovator connector type).

After removing these obstacles, the next step is to put ourselves in a frame of mind of being genuinely curious about where the other person is coming from. By setting a clear and mindful intention to fully listen, you will discover a whole new world and a whole new person and, if your main objective is to fully understand the other person, the quality of your interaction will change. You will naturally ask more questions and, in turn, be careful to verify that you actually understood the other person.

Every communication between individuals contains thousands of signals. The signals are sent and received on different levels: physical, emotional and mental. There are signals on the content level which contains the words that are expressed, there are signals of unspoken messages underneath the words also known as sub-text, there are signals on the emotional level, and there are signals on the level that represents what I want from you and what I think you want from me. It is a lot and it is complex. If listening is one of your challenges, we highly recommend that you learn more about it, read a book, practise and elicit feedback.

The following question can go a long way towards resolving conflicts: ‘I need or want ______________ because of ______________. What do you need in order to make this happen?’

Then simply listen with the purpose of understanding the other person’s response. If what you want is completely unacceptable to the other person, ask questions to understand why. You should then allow the other person’s perspective to reshape. Conventional wisdom traditionally held that the most important aspect of all relationships was communication. However, we now understand that relationships depend not only on our willingness to listen, but also on our ability to shift our perspective and to be influenced by what we hear.

TOOL # 6: VALIDATE

Validation can calm the storm of emotions, de-escalating almost any situation. This involves going beyond listening to the other person – it requires understanding where they are coming from, seeing the situation through their eyes, and walking for a moment in their proverbial shoes. The act of validation opens the door to honest communication because it disarms us. Something shifts inside when we feel heard and understood. On her final show (25 May 2011), Oprah Winfrey shared the most important lessons she learned after interviewing nearly 30,000 guests. She stated that all the people she talked to had one thing in common: they wanted to be validated. In her words: ‘Every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?”’

McKay, Davis and Fanning (2009) devoted an entire chapter of their book to validation, explaining that ‘validation is a powerful tool that can be used in any situation where there is a real or potential conflict’. In conflict, emotions run high and our ability to use our cognitive ability declines as the fight or flight dynamic takes over, blocking us from thinking clearly.

When we are triggered, it is hard – almost impossible – to see or understand someone else. The first step towards trying to understand another is always to reconnect internally and finding why we are blocked from connecting to someone else. Once we recognise that we’ve been triggered, we can say to ourselves, ‘Right now, I have been triggered. I don’t know what to do about it. It is OK, and I can wait until I gain more understanding of the situation.’

When we have achieved some clarity, we can devote some mental resources to see, hear and connect with someone else. Remember, validating does not mean agreeing; it means that ‘I see you, I hear you and I can relate to you’.

TOOL # 7: EVOLVE

The goal of the first six tools is to open a space where you can function beyond the flight, fight and freeze natural response instincts. Being able to realise your ‘monster moments’, know what your values are, and articulate these values is essential. Having enough support from your network and honing the skills of listening and validation will allow you to make informed decisions. Now, when you are centred and self-aware, you are faced with a crucial decision: are you going to proceed with this process or resign?

If you decide to proceed and stay engaged in resolving a conflict, it would be wise to create a risk assessment first. Great gains often involve great risks. The risk needs to be calculated so that it can be judged as being worth the risk.

Green

Green is when we have a partner involved in the conflict who is engaged and provides the safety to express ourselves directly. If this is the case, you should communicate with the other stakeholders verbally or in writing the following:

• ■What is important to you?
• ■What you do truly appreciate about them?
• ■What you do need from them?
• ■And what are you willing to provide for them (if you know this)?

This would lead you to the final and most important question for your stakeholder, which is:

• ■What is really important to you?

And then truly listen to this person respond to that question. Once you know what your own boundaries are, chances are that you will surprise yourself with your new confidence on this topic and by how much easier it is to truly listen to and understand what others have to say about what is important to them.

Yellow

This phase is when you are not sure if your stakeholders are open and willing to listen and meet you in a negotiation space. This is the ‘unknown’ stage. It may feel risky to approach them for further negotiation. This phase requires more information enquiring about what is important to them:

• ■What are their values?
• ■What is important to them?
• ■How can you communicate with them?
• ■What is the best way to approach them?

Solicit information in a sort of ‘background check’. Learning about them in the light of this new information will let you know if it is a red or green situation.

Red

This stage is when you and your stakeholders feel like there is no possible open door for further dialogue. You assess that it is too risky to approach them for a meeting around the table.

This calls for these actions:

• ■Find a connector from your support network who can help you access the stakeholders.
• ■Send an impartial person who can approach the stakeholder calmly and productively.

The ultimate goal here is to employ this connector to get you and the stakeholder in question to a table for a conversation around the issue. That is, to get to ‘green’.

Proceed with the following exercise for your conflict’s risk assessment. The system to calculate the risk calls for the ‘green, yellow and red system’.

The way to determine where you are can be intuitive. You can know if you are in the green zone and negotiating is a go, or you are in the yellow zone and it is time to wait and gather more information, or you are in the red zone, which means stop. You can use the following chart in order to define if you are in green, yellow, or red:

Answer the following by rating yourself on a scale from 1 to 10 (1 is low, and 10 is high):

You trust yourself to be able to handle the negotiation process
You trust that the other stakeholder’s intention is to find an acceptable solution
You can imagine or see a solution that would be acceptable to all stakeholders
You feel that you are able to manage your stress in a productive way
You have enough support which allows you to deal with less than optimal outcomes
Total score

Green light: if you rated yourself above 5 in all categories and your overall score is higher than 40.

Yellow light: you don’t have any score that is below 2 and your overall score is between 20–40.

Red light: you have one score or more under 2 or your score is under 20.

RESOLVE AND CONNECTOR TYPES

The last section deals with the four connector types: director, facilitator, innovator and specialist. We all have a dominant connector type that governs the way we understand the world and the way we act in it. Our connector type also reveals our patterns in resolving conflicts. Each connector type has strength and weakness in implementing the RESOLVE.

Find your dominant connector type (there is more on this in Chapter 3).

SUMMARY AND ACTIONS

• ■The most important aspect of conflict management is the commitment to addressing the conflict and adopting the notion that this situation, as stressful as it may be, should work for you and not against you. In other words: lean into the conflict; do not avoid it.

Action plan for resolving conflicts:

• ■Identify the conflict and define what it is about.
• ■Identify the opportunity: ‘If I work through this conflict, what circumstances could be improved?’
• ■Identify resources that could support your desired outcomes.
• ■Review the RESOLVE tools and decide which are the most helpful:

  □Realise reality  □Establish clear boundaries  □Seek support

  □Own it!

  □Listen  □Validate  □Evolve

• ■Repeat until the conflict is resolved.