Families who recognize with ritual the important passages in their members' lives seem to fare better at overcoming the shirtsleeves proverb. This should not be surprising, since the creation and practice of rituals marking important developmental steps in the life of a human being are at the core of successful tribal life.

Tribes are the extended generations of an original family. Anthropology teaches that a tribe is the result of a family in its second or third generation having formed clans, and then of those clans in the fourth and fifth generations electing to stay together, thus eventually creating a tribe. From such beginnings many tribes have successfully continued for dozens of generations, thus overcoming the shirtsleeves proverb. The Iroquois are a good example.

Clearly, a tribe is not based solely on genetic ties, given the small amount of unique DNA it shares from a common ancestor. Rather, it is the stories of the experiences and practices of the early generations that link these people as a tribe. These linkages are part of what defines a tribe as a family of affinity rather than merely of blood. The rituals that tribes create, often unique to them and representing their "differentness," arise from their stories and experiences. These rituals offer the tribe's members a way of linking themselves to their ancestors, to their stories, to the uniqueness of their tribe, and to their special place in it.

What is the nature of ritual and its place in the development of an individual, and of the family or tribe of which he or she is a part?

In his book Rites of Passage, Arnold Van Gennep explains how a family's or tribe's rituals assist the individual's successful development at various stages of life. Such rituals allow the individual to break away from an earlier developmental stage; learn the new information needed for the next stage; and be reintegrated into the tribe, ready to begin the next stage of development and contribute to the successful life of the tribe.

Ritual thus serves two purposes in the life of a family seeking to thrive for many generations. It helps individuals develop from one life stage to another, and it helps the family succeed by promoting the development of its members. The whole family is strengthened in its process of development from family to clan to tribe, for many generations into the future.

What are some of the important life stages of family members, and of the family as a whole, that rituals might be created to honor?

First: Coming of age. All tribes and many religious communities recognize the transition from childhood to adulthood with ritual. Often such rituals involve the younger members' being taken away from their parents and being taught the tribe's or religious community's secrets, its mysteries. In many earlier societies the teaching role was assigned to the child's aunts, uncles, or tribal elders.^[7] In religious communities this role was given to the priests and priestesses. Such ritual processes often involved the child living apart from the tribe with other children the same age. This is Van Gennep's breaking-away stage. While living apart, the young person received knowledge about the tribe's or religious community's special wisdom and discovered his or her own special talents and how they could be used to help the tribe as a whole—Van Gennep's second stage. Finally, the newly fledged adult member was reintegrated into tribal life (Van Gennep's third stage), often gaining a new name. Elaborate rituals were developed to recognize this successful reintegration of tribal members.

Second: A new elder. All successful families and tribes recognize the need for elders for good governance. My view of the importance of elders in family governance was, I hope, made clear in Chapter 1. The creation of a new elder is an extremely important point in the development of a family or tribe, because it reflects the willingness of the group to grant to an individual the authority to mediate its disputes, point out when it isn't following the rules of governance, and maintain its stories. The evolution of a family member to this status is also a major developmental step, because it shows that this member has finished doing his or her individual work and is now seen as wise and ready to act for the family as a whole. Many tribes mark this granting of authority with rituals.

Third: The arrival of a new member. Rituals acknowledging the birth of a new family or tribe member, or the marrying-in of a new member, are very important. All tribes and religious communities recognize with elaborate celebrations the birth of new members. These rituals not only announce the individual's arrival but also offer the tribe or religious community a way of reaffirming the many prior generations from which this child springs. More important, a ritual offers members of the tribe a means to celebrate and reaffirm the possibilities for their future. Ritual is also important in this case to give the family, tribe, or religious community a way of committing itself to the legitimacy of this child and thus of his or her right to nurturance and future membership.

The marrying-in of a new member is another important developmental step in the life both of the individual entering the family and of the family itself. All families, tribes, and religious communities elaborately recognize a marriage. The rituals surrounding the entry of a new member celebrate the growth of the community and legitimize the new member's right to be a part of that community. Such rituals recognize that this new member is breaking away from another tribe and needs information about the mysteries of the tribe he or she is joining, and such rituals offer a process by which the new member can be integrated into a new set of relationships.

Fourth: The death of a member. Most families, tribes, and religious communities observe the death of a member with ritual.

Such rites honor the life of the deceased member, assist surviving members with grieving, and provide a way to integrate the deceased member's life into the stories that link him or her to the ongoing life of the family, the tribe, or the religious community.

Fifth: The introduction of new outside members. Families seeking to govern themselves well introduce into their midst trustees, protectors, mentors, advisers, and hommes d'affaires. In later chapters I elaborate on the important, even critical, roles in family governance that such outsiders play. Rituals to celebrate the arrival of such individuals into the lives of family members, and of the family as a whole, are an important celebration of their role and a legitimization of their future authority and responsibility in family life and governance. A ritual for their welcoming announces and establishes their proper position in family life. It makes it much more likely that, having been welcomed by the family as a whole and through ritual properly indoctrinated into the families' life and governance, they will successfully perform their roles and functions.

What are some of the forms of ritual a family can study in developing its own unique rituals?

Most religious communities have rituals such as baptism, naming, confirmation, bar or bat mitzvah, marriage, ordination, last rights, and funerals to recognize the developmental stages of their members. Many of these rituals can be modified by a family to celebrate the developmental stages of its members. Secular communities, whether monarchies, dictatorships, or republics, use music, speeches, special dress, dance, food and beverage, elections, graduations, marriages, and funerals to celebrate the developmental stages of their members and of their communities. Many of these forms of ritual can and are modified by families to celebrate their birthdays, marriages, anniversaries, and deaths. Cultural anthropology also offers many examples of the unique ways in which human communities have evolved rites to celebrate the stages of development of individual members of tribes.

The range and creativity of rituals celebrating developmental stages is astonishingly broad. Clearly such rituals are integral to successful individual and family growth. Apparently all human beings sense the need for such celebrations as a way of affirming the critical steps in the development of each individual and for the survival of the families and tribes of which they are a part. We all seem to sense that there are moments when we must break away from one stage of life, learn new things, and then reintegrate as more developed beings into the families and communities of which we are a part. Ritual strengthens our bonds to our families and increases the likelihood of our and their long-term survival and success.

May each of your families celebrate these important moments of change as critical steps in your families' developments, through the unique rituals that you design. As you do so you will discover your "differentness," add to the family stories, and most importantly, honor and grow your family's human and intellectual capital. In all these ways you will add to your family's wealth.