Chapter 4
Self-Care
You’re a mom entrepreneur. You have at least two full-time jobs: running a family and running a business. The potential for burnout is high, but we want something better for you. Because this is a marathon and not a sprint, you’re going to need to take really good care of yourself along the way. This chapter is dedicated to just that.
What exactly is self-care? It’s just what it sounds like: taking good care of yourself. Simple, right? And, yet so many of us don’t do it. Often, it’s much more complicated than it needs to be because of the guilt that surrounds it, because we are so often pressed for time, because of the comparisons we tend to make, and because acts of self-care can feel downright selfish. We’re going to help you find a way to fit it in, though, because it might just be the most important part of your path to success.
The kind of self-care we’re talking about starts with acknowledging (and embracing) the fact that you have your own needs and wants that are often separate from, and different than, those of your family. And, while you are likely good at anticipating, managing, and handling the needs and wants of others, there is a chance that when it comes to your own needs and wants, you are not as skilled. Somehow, the things that will really fuel you and give you the energy that you need to thrive, slip to the bottom of your to-do list. And, likely, you end each day thinking about how you want tomorrow to be different.
To tempt you just a bit, here are some of the benefits of good self-care:
Improved confidence
Improved mental health
Improved sleep
Improved overall sense of well-being
Improved productivity
Improved ability to deal with stress
Compelling, right? Still, part of the reason we put off caring for ourselves is that many women feel that self-care is something they need to earn. How would we earn it? Likely by finishing our neverending to-do lists—which we know will never happen. See how we set it up so that self-care is always at the bottom of our lists? What if you knew that taking great care of yourself was essential to being the best possible version of yourself? What if you knew that self-care was one of the key ingredients to creating the success you crave? And what if your company’s bottom line depended on it? After all, taking great care of yourself gives you a strong foundation from which to accomplish all that you are setting out to do.
If you’re going to embark on or continue this monumental task of owning a business while raising a family, you’re going to need to get really good at self-care. If you don’t, you could actually be setting yourself up to fail. On the other hand, regularly doing things that replenish and refuel you is a surefire way to have the energy and stamina you’ll need to reach your goals.
Good self-care is critical to making sure that you don’t burn out. Over and over again, we’ve seen some type of burnout with our clients. Picture this: You get into a productive cycle with your business and it’s paying off, so you decide to work more hours so you can move toward what you want and get more positive results quickly. Soon, you begin to forego exercise, eat crappy food, and go to bed too late. Or you let e-mails pile up, and the snail mail starts to accumulate too. And so much for keeping in touch with friends or hanging out with your family. There just isn’t time. We can all sustain this go-go-go lifestyle for a short time, but guess what happens when you try to live like that for more than a few days? You burn out. You realize what a mess you’ve made and you retreat into a slump. You feel sorry for yourself and take this opportunity to bemoan the unfair nature of life. Give it some time and you begin to regain your mojo. You emerge again, restore your equilibrium, and get your life back on track. And then, rather than learning from past mistakes, you start the whole cycle (or a very similar one) again. We’ve all been there, but here’s the thing: taking good care of yourself prevents you from going down this road in the first place.
If you don’t give yourself time to recharge, you are sabotaging yourself. It’s a strong word but it’s the truth. Plus, you are sending yourself the message that you aren’t important enough to nurture. You can push yourself to the limit for a short while, and sometimes you just don’t have much of a choice, but it’s not a sustainable way to live. If you rarely make time to recharge, it truly is a form of self-sabotage, whether it’s conscious or not. And, if you don’t make time for self-care, things will eventually bite you in the butt. (That is not the technical term or the scientifically correct way to describe what happens, but we hope you get the picture.) Remember, as the CEO of your business, you’re modeling the behavior you expect from your team. And as the CEO of your family, you’re modeling the behavior you expect to see from your kids. Don’t you want them to learn to take good care of themselves? By the way, you’ll know you need to take better care of yourself because you and your family will start to see the signs. If you are crabby, resentful, short-tempered, or easily prone to tears, you might want to consider these warning signs that you need to crank your self-care up a notch or two. (Or else, maybe you need to take a pregnancy test?)
On a related note, we have come to the realization that there really is no way to achieve the media-hyped ideal of balance in your life—at least not for more than a passing moment. What you can do, though, is regularly take some time to determine whether you are moving toward balance or away from it. You’ll know the answer to that question without having to give it much thought. Have you found yourself in a constant hurry lately? Is “breakfast for dinner” becoming a habit? Have your kids complained that they are out of clean clothes? Do you wish you could stop the world for a day or two to catch up? If so, you are likely moving away from balance.
When you start to feel as though life is running you ragged, it’s time to stop and check in. It won’t always be self-care that’s missing, but we’re willing to bet that if you’re feeling frazzled, that’s a good place to look. Luckily, you are about to create a Hit List of self-care items that you can refer to when you start noticing that something is off. Hint: In the future, if you look at your list and notice that you haven’t done anything on it for a long time, you’ll want to make the time to fit in some self-care. It’s counterintuitive to take time for an activity that feels luxurious when you barely have time to get to the grocery store, but we promise it’s often the first step forward toward a happier and more productive you.
How do we incorporate a healthy ritual of self-care into our daily lives? We all need the basics: healthy food, plenty of sleep, and exercise. These are the bare minimum, and if you aren’t getting them, it’s time to add them to your schedule. Seriously, like right now. Go on a walk. Grab an apple. And if you’re reading this at one in the morning, as much as we hate to tell you to put this book down, it’s time to go to bed. We’ll be here waiting when you’ve had some sleep. If the three basics aren’t there in your life, that’s a huge red flag that we encourage you to pay attention to. Just as you wouldn’t expect a plant to grow if you didn’t water it, or your car to run if you did’t fill up the gas tank, going about your business without the basics of food, exercise, and sleep is asking the impossible of yourself. You certainly wouldn’t allow your kids to go without food or sleep, so why would you deny yourself of these basics?
Your Plan
Let’s get specific on the other things—aside from food, exercise, and sleep—you need for good self-care. (Note that by you we mean not the collective you but you, the person reading this right now). In the game of self-care, all you really have to do is determine the things that make you feel great and then incorporate them into your days. Common activities include reading, yoga, meditation, crossword puzzles, walks, exercise, and coffee with friends. There are no wrong answers here as long as the things you list refuel you or relax you—or both. Ideally, your list will include some stress relievers, some activities that make you feel pampered, some things that are pure fun, and at least a couple that involve laughing. After all, according to researchers, laughter reduces stress, improves your ability to solve problems, and increases both your self-esteem and your resilience.
And, while you are making your list, may we suggest adding in some “twofers”? Twofers are activities that help you kill two birds with one stone. Reading your favorite magazine while getting a pedicure is an example. Other examples are going to yoga with your daughter or going on a walk with a friend who makes you laugh. Lara’s favorite includes running on the treadmill while watching reruns of Project Runway or listening to podcasts while she jogs around the neighborhood.
What are the things you need to do to take great care of yourself? What helps you recharge? Take a few minutes to decide what self-care means to you. Be honest. Grab your pen and paper and write down your favorite ways to take care of yourself. Don’t be embarrassed if “reading People Magazine” shows up on your list.
We asked the mom entrepreneurs in our online communities to share their best tips for squeezing in self-care when you don’t think you have the time. There were so many creative responses. We discussed in Chapter 2 how success doesn’t look the same for everyone. As it turns out, neither does self-care. Some moms don’t need much in the way of self-care. Others really need to spend a good amount of time on it each week in order to feel their best. Take a look at this list of some of their rechargers and see if you can swipe a couple of great ideas to keep you calm, grounded, and feeling as though you can handle everything that comes at you. Use these ideas to create your own Self-Care Hit List.
Self-Care Ideas from Fellow Mom Entrepreneurs
Now comes what is possibly the hardest part of all: Taking the time to do the things we listed, guilt-free. We emphasize “guilt-free” because it’s important to do these things with a sense of calm rather than the anxiety that often comes with doing something you believe you shouldn’t be doing. Here’s the fun part: these so-called guilty pleasures are actually good for both you and your business. A growing body of evidence shows that taking regular breaks from mental tasks improves productivity and creativity, and, conversely, that skipping breaks can lead to stress and exhaustion. If you think about it, what is the alternative when you need a break and you don’t give it to yourself? You’ll likely sit in front of your laptop hitting refresh to see if any exciting e-mails have come in rather than accomplishing anything. You may as well do something nourishing from your Hit List instead. Take a break so you can be more productive.
How do you fit these activities in when your schedule is already full? It’s so easy to come up with excuses as to why you don’t have time for these seemingly unproductive activities. That’s why dedicating time for them is so important. Hopefully, Chapter 3 helped you get clear about how to schedule your time. If so, fitting them in could be as easy as plugging them into the time slots you left open for relaxation. If not, now is a good time to go back and rework your schedule so you have a place for the items you listed.
Again, having a self-care Hit List will help you know what to do if you find yourself with extra time, so why not print it out and post it as a great visual reminder to make time for yourself?
Now you have regularly scheduled self-care time on your calendar as well as a plan for unexpected time. Build the items on your list into your days and weeks, and you will reap the rewards. We also suggest taking mini mental breaks often throughout the day. Even if you just get up and walk around for 30 seconds or step outside and breathe, it’s a good idea to reset here and there, either when you are making a transition from one task to another or when you’ve been working on something for a long time. (We know of one woman, who shall remain nameless, who sits in a stall in the ladies room at her office just to get some much-needed time alone in the middle of her work day.) Also, this seems obvious, but take time to eat when you’re hungry. If you haven’t eaten lunch, do you think you’ll be working at your most productive level? During your personal time, it’s always possible to fit in self-care while doing the things you already do: listen to music while you are doing the dishes, light a scented candle when you are about to take a shower, or lift some hand weights when you are catching up on your DVR.
It’s great to build in self-nurturing things such as time with friends and family, but may we suggest that at least some of your self-care time be spent in silence? We would like to bring back a lost art the Italians call II dolce far niente, or the sweetness of doing nothing. We think they are onto something. Seriously, we are such a nation of doers that we’ve largely lost the art of being. We don’t like to tell people what to do, but if we had to make an exception, it would be to tell you to meditate. The benefits are great, you can do it just about anywhere, and it doesn’t cost a dime. Taking five or 10 minutes out of your day to just be is like pushing a reset button. This may be the hardest assignment we give, but please consider spending some time in silence. You don’t even have to try to quiet your thoughts, which is one of the major reasons people say they don’t meditate. In fact, when you give yourself a chance to hear them, you can tap into some pretty incredible creative notions. Who knows? The time you spend with your thoughts just might spark your next great business idea.
We hope you’ll take what we’ve said as your permission slip to nurture and honor yourself. For a variety of reasons, women—and moms in particular—tend to have a hard time letting ourselves rest, relax, and rejuvenate. We see it as lazy or as an unnecessary indulgence, or, as we mentioned before, we think we need to earn it. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! Those silly ideas couldn’t be further from the truth. You know your kids need down time; you encourage them to take it, because you know how much more pleasant they are to be around when they’ve had some. Your team also has a better perspective and is more productive after a nice break or vacation. Well, guess what? You need it too. So, even if you have to force yourself, we implore you to do it.
Now we are going to help you identify potential obstacles that can get in the way of your self-care and then list potential solutions to those obstacles. These “obstacles” are really just a mindset, and you can shift that mindset because you are the one who controls your thoughts. We will start the list for you, but please add to it as you see fit.
Drains on Self-Care
Now that you have a better understanding of what you can do to take good care of yourself, let’s talk about some things that do just the opposite. The first thing that comes to mind is having so many drains in your life that no amount of self-care will fill you up. By drains, we mean things that sap your energy, things you are putting up with. These can be small: a leaky faucet, a really late thank-you note you need to write, or the fact that winter is approaching and your kids don’t have snow boots. Or, they can be big: you have debt that’s getting bigger every month, you’ve been putting off a hard conversation that you need to have with your spouse, or your blood pressure is sky-high and you are paralyzed by the reality of that. We want these issues to be on your radar because they can greatly impact your ability to create the life and business you are planning. (As a side note, if there is some major medical, psychological, or life circumstance that is impacting you, you need to address it. Helping you with that is beyond the scope of this book, but please promise us that you’ll get the help you need so you can move forward toward your best possible life.)
Some of these drains are easily handled, while others will require more work. The goal is to take action on the things in life that are dragging you down, because until you do, they will continue to feel like the anchors they are. Tackle the easy ones first and at least begin to make a plan as to how you will manage the others. Until you do, no amount of self-care will be able to offset the effect these drains will have on your life. Write down the things that are holding you back and then come up with the steps you’ll need to take to deal with them.
Comparing ourselves to others is another surefire way to undo all of the good of our self-care regimen. Maybe you compare yourself to the neighbor who gets up for her 5 a.m. workouts. Or perhaps you compare yourself to another business owner who was just featured in Fast Company. Or maybe you compare yourself to the friend who has time to cook healthy dinners every night. Did we mention that same friend’s perfect children eat the healthy dinners with gusto? Not just without complaints—we’re talking with real gusto, people. How can you compare? Here’s the thing: you can’t. And, by the way, there is always more to the story. Perhaps the early morning exerciser goes to bed around 8 p.m., which just wouldn’t work for you because that’s when you hang out with your husband and you’re not about to sacrifice that. Maybe the business owner you admire has a full-time housekeeper and a live-in nanny. And the woman with the kids who eat with gusto? You can bet she has put a lot of time and energy into that healthy cooking at the expense of something else. (We can’t explain the non-picky kids; some things can just be chalked up to luck.)
The women you compare yourself to have different life circumstances—for better or for worse—than you do. One woman finds fulfillment through her work. Another finds it by getting in the best shape she’s ever been, or in making rolled fondant birthday cakes for her child’s third birthday, or in being named PTA volunteer of the year. To each her own. Remember, your life is made up of a series of choices. The point is, none of these choices are wrong. They just might be wrong for you. That’s what you get to decide. For yourself.
Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.
—Unknown
The key here as far as self-care is concerned is that you do the things you want to do and you don’t do the things you don’t want to do. If having a beautiful garden fills you up, get out there in the dirt. If you feel that you have to have a perfect garden because it’s what the neighbors expect from you, it’s time to let it go. Remember how saying yes to something means saying no to something else? Keep that in mind.
One of the things we’re trying to avoid is becoming a victim or a martyr. One guaranteed way to enter into victim or martyr territory is to do the things you think you should do. If there’s a book you should read but you don’t really want to (parenting books come to mind), read it during some other time than your self-care time. If you should meet up with someone you haven’t seen in a while but that person zaps your energy when you do hang out, figure out a time to meet her but make sure you don’t count it as self-care. If you do, you’re likely to end up feeling drained and resentful, which is not what you’re going for at all. And be sure to put some boundaries around it, such as only allowing an hour for lunch together and scheduling another appointment after that so you really have to leave.
While we are on the subject, here’s how you’ll know if something is a good self-care action for you:
1. It’s your own idea.
2. It’s something you would do more often if you could.
3. It makes you feel really great when you do it.
4. It fills you up and gives you energy to take on the rest of your day.
5. The thought of it makes you just a little bit giddy.
6. It’s not folding the laundry.
Again, be careful not to compare your self-care with that of someone else. It doesn’t have to look a certain way. The most important thing is to make sure it’s something that benefits your wellbeing.
For the Reluctant
This section is for those of you who still can’t wrap your head around the fact that self-care is important and, for most of us, necessary. Ponder this: If you think self-care is selfish, just think of it as selling parenthood to your kids by showing your kids that parents still get to have fun and do things that they enjoy. Do you want your kids to learn from your behaviors? Do you want them to learn that they deserve to take good care of themselves, that they should put themselves at the top of their to-do list? We all want our kids to grow up and have healthy, productive, and enjoyable lives. Show them this is possible by modeling it for them. Fill your own tank so you can take care of them.
One more note from the pulpit: Self-care is not only for the fragile among us. Or the weak. Self-care is something we all need to one degree or another. In fact, in these days of online businesses open 24/7, of Twitter and texting and e-mail and flash sales, and of running kids to one activity or another, it’s more important than ever to take some time each day to refuel. Rather than thinking of it as selfish or as just another task, think of it as nurturing your personal well-being, taking a break from the near-constant barrage of information, and setting yourself up for success.
Rewards
Your self-care Hit List can be a great reminder to take care of yourself, but we’d like you to consider building in incentives for your hard work as well. With so many responsibilities, you’ll need a few exciting things to look forward to. Some well-deserved rewards, be they lovely things you buy for yourself or simply ways to spend much-needed time off, are often just what you need when you’ve been busy building a business and taking care of your family.
Let’s start with time off. Research shows that taking time off, even if it’s just 24 hours, has a profound effect on your mental health. Just imagine what taking a week off could do for you. (And when we say time off, we mean time off. If you’re on a beach somewhere checking e-mail and voice mails, that doesn’t count.) We know there can be limitations when it comes to taking time off as an entrepreneur. Time and money are usually the biggest ones, but there are others as well. We’ll address those limitations in a minute, but for now, pretend that no limitations exist. If you had the chance to design some time off as a reward for a job well done, what would it be? A big family vacation? A spa getaway with a girlfriend? A week off at home to recharge? Write down the type of time off you’d like to have.
Now, think about what the time away from work would give you. For instance, if you wrote down “a trip by myself,” you might say that it would give you some solitude, some time when you are only responsible for yourself, and/or a chance to catch your breath. If you wrote down “a family vacation,” that would potentially give you the chance to get away from work, time to reconnect with your family, and/or a brief escape from reality. Go back now and translate your desired time away into the qualities the time off would provide.
It’s action time. Ideally, you can now look at your time-off goal(s) and build in a realistic timeframe to give yourself one or more of them. If so, great. Mark the dates on the calendar and relish the time leading up to it. If not, let’s home in on what you are craving. To use our earlier example, if you wrote down “a trip by myself,” which would give you some much-needed solitude, but the fantasy trip just isn’t in the cards right now, think about what is possible. What else could you do that would give you some of the solitude you are craving? Could you take just one day away from the house and the family? Could you build some solitude into each of your days for a week? What if your goal was to take a family vacation but it’s just not possible? If you are yearning for connection, how about planning a couple of in-house game or movie nights? If you are dying for a shared family experience, maybe you could take a day trip to a nearby town to explore or plan a family hike. The idea here is to reward yourself with whatever it is that you are yearning for. It doesn’t have to be extravagant—although, if time and money allow, we are all for a bit of extravagance.
While we’re on the subject of rewards, sometimes there is value in setting your sights on something material. Do you loathe your current couch? Are you craving new bedding? Or is there a winter jacket you’ve been eyeing but just can’t justify? How about linking that reward to a business milestone that you can work toward? For instance, If I get five new clients, I’ll buy myself that coat. Experts are divided on whether or not it’s healthy to reward children with material goods for a job well done, but the experts don’t get to decide what’s right for you as a mom business owner. If you know you’ll be motivated by a new piece of furniture, by all means let yourself work toward a business goal that will end in a personal victory as well. Take a few minutes now to write down a few rewards that you would ultimately like to give yourself and then link them to a business goal that makes sense.
Rewards can come in a lot of different shapes and sizes. When it’s not the right time for a major reward (family vacation or home renovation, for instance), it’s still possible to reward yourself with something. On the next page are some great ideas to get you started.
Self-Talk
We all have an internal voice that seems to chat almost nonstop from the time we wake up until the time we fall asleep. That chatter in and of itself is not the issue. It’s when the chatter is negative, nagging, and downright rude that the problem arises. Have you ever taken the time to listen to some of the things you say to yourself? It can be enlightening to spend a few minutes noticing, because that voice is not always kind.
And what about the stories we tell ourselves? We create stories that hold us back (I’m not a writer, Nobody will believe me, or Who am I to expect a high level of success?), and we tell stories that are really excuses (“People like me don’t do that sort of thing,” or “I could do it if only I were younger”). Who makes this stuff up? We do, and we need to notice when we are doing it so we can stop ourselves when it happens.
Reward Yourself
Free
• listen to some of your favorite songs, or one favorite song over and over
• go for a walk
• call a friend for a nice, long chat
• take a nice, long hot bath
• catch up with your DVR
• go on a bike ride
• take a day off-completely off-from work
$
• treat yourself to a cappuccino and sit in the coffee shop to savor it
• go see a movie
• buy yourself some really decadent chocolate
• buy yourself some flowers
• get a favorite magazine and let yourself read it all in one sitting
• take yourself out to lunch
• go see an art exhibit
• get new nail polish or lip gloss
$$
• schedule dinner out at a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try
• take a day trip to a nearby town
• buy yourself a new outfit
• have a manicure or a pedicure (or both)
• hire someone to clean your house (even if it’s just once)
• buy tickets to a performance you’ve been wanting to see
$$$
• take a vacation
• buy something you’ve been wanting for your home
• have a spa day
• invest in a hobby: buy a guitar and lessons, get some art supplies you’ve been wanting, etc.
This is also a good place to watch for rules that you’ve made up for yourself: I can’t _________ because ________. It’s funny how we’ll set up a rule for ourselves and then diligently follow that rule even if it makes no sense. “I can’t watch a show on my DVR during the day because that would make me lazy,” said by the woman who spends all of her evenings answering work-related e-mails. “I can’t take a day off because there wouldn’t be anyone to answer customers’ questions,” says another. (This one is easily fixed by setting up an auto reply stating that you are away from the office for the day and will get back to them tomorrow.) You get the idea. Be aware of those types of rules and be ready to question them when you notice them.
If you find that your self-talk could use some cleaning up, here are some ways to handle it.
Notice the tone and words of your inner voice.
Make an effort to stop the chatter when it turns negative.
Consciously replace the negative talk with something more encouraging. Elite athletes are known for using positive affirmations to help them achieve greatness.
Practice, practice, practice.
Take a few minutes now to think about some of the things you say to yourself, some of the stories you’ve made up, and some of the rules you’ve set up for yourself. Write them down and begin to notice when you hear yourself saying them.
Awareness is the first step toward stopping the negative self-talk. Revealing these negative thoughts for what they are takes away some of their power. It’s going to take some practice on your part, but once you start noticing them on a regular basis, you’ll be able to replace them with rules and beliefs that empower you.
Erin used to tell herself that she wasn’t good at public speaking. She told herself that again and again for years and ended up believing it was true. At some point, though, she started being presented with speaking opportunities. Her first thought was to say no, of course. But something made her stop for a second to look at the opportunity from a more objective place. Once she questioned this rule that she wasn’t a good speaker, she had a chance to ask herself if that rule made any sense. She challenged herself and this rule by saying yes to the opportunity to speak to a group of new moms. She didn’t have the time of her life but she did survive the experience and she even got a new client out of it. Take that, negative self-talk. Now, when she hears that inner voice of hers spouting off about how she’s not a good public speaker, she replaces that dialogue with something more along the lines of, I’ve done it and I can do it again. (She doesn’t want to lie to herself by saying that she’s great at it but she also wants to get out of her own way.)
All of this may seem sort of silly, but our clients have let us in on some of the things they say to themselves, and the words they use are not only unproductive, they are downright offensive at times. It’s worth paying attention to it so you can liberate yourself from this nastiness. We are so hard on ourselves. Just think what that constant criticism does to our well-being.
Before we finish up on self-care, we want to mention something that sociologists are calling “contaminated time.” According to Real Simple Magazine, this term is now being used to describe leisure time that is cluttered up with less enjoyable tasks such as household chores or child care.1 This is time that we are counting as downtime but that doesn’t actually refresh us the way downtime is meant to. Moms are especially susceptible to this so-called contaminated time because a disproportionate amount of house- and child-related responsibility falls on our shoulders. We are not saying that you can’t count time with your kids as self-care (remember, we are all about the twofers), but make sure that you are doing something that is truly replenishing. (Think hiking with your daughter or going to a fun museum with your son.)
To stretch you even further, we also want to encourage you to pat yourself on the back when you have done good work. It’s great to get outside accolades, and social media is a good place to toot your own horn every once in a while to get some much-needed acknowledgment. But just remember, it’s more than okay to tell yourself that you did a great job. If you’re feeling especially complimentary, you can even send yourself a card congratulating yourself or take yourself out for your favorite beverage. Self-care through the mail and through espresso or wine is great self-care. Cheers to you!
Bottom Line
Self-care is not a luxury; it’s a necessity.
There are compelling benefits to be gained by taking great care of yourself.
You do not need to earn the right to self-care, and it’s not at all selfish to build time for it into your schedule.
Planning out and scheduling your self-care ensures that you will have time for it, even on the busiest of days.
Taking time away from work and also managing your self-talk are important components of any self-care plan.