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Love Unconditionally

THE WORD UNCONDITIONAL means “without limitations.” Perhaps a more complete definition of the term, though, is “without limitations and without regrets.” When you love others unconditionally, you acknowledge their shortcomings and do not judge them. They may frustrate you, disappoint you, test your patience, and at times drive you crazy, but you never regret loving them because you’ve made a conscious choice to accept them for who they are and are willing to embrace the heartburn that may come with that decision. This is different from conditional love, where failing to meet certain expectations or provisions in a relationship can be a major source of regret that may ultimately end the relationship.

Someone I love unconditionally is Billy, my Little Brother. When I joined the Big Brothers program back in 1991, he had just turned ten and was living on welfare with his mom and sisters. Growing up as an African-American young male in a neighborhood with primarily people of different ethnicities was difficult for him and often resulted in physical confrontations. Crime was rampant, drive-by shootings were frequent, and pressure to join a gang was persistent. Yet much of that seemed to fade away when Billy and I were together.

My commitment to Billy was that I would always be his Big Brother and love him unconditionally, regardless of what happened to him in life. This got put to the test on many occasions in the years that followed, whether he had difficulty with making grades at school, holding a job, managing his money, or staying out of trouble. “I’m here to help you, not judge you,” I’d say, but the disappointments he’d experienced growing up and his chronic issues with self-esteem made it hard for him to believe I’d really always be there for him.

One day I got a call from Billy and it sounded like he had hit rock bottom. In his own words, he had failed everyone including himself—he had no job, no money, and nowhere to go. My wife and I asked him to come live with us and told him he could stay as long as he wanted. For the better part of a year, Billy took up residence at our house while he worked on turning his life around. We gave him the run of the place, helped him get his résumé together, and continued to reinforce that we were there to support him in good times and bad.

Upon returning home with our kids one afternoon, we found Billy’s packed suitcase by the door to his room. Billy was sitting inside on the sofa bed with his head buried in his arms. After a bit of coaxing, he showed his face but couldn’t speak. Then he slowly got up and pointed to where he had been sitting. A huge hole had been burned through the sofa cushion. “I was late for work and forgot to turn off the iron,” he said, mortified. “You’ve put so much trust in me and now look how I’ve blown it.”

I was floored—did Billy really think we’d kick him out of the house over this? I gave him a big hug and said, “When I told you that I unconditionally loved you, I meant it and I’ll never regret it. And by the way, it will take a lot more than ruining a couch to get rid of me.” Billy managed to smile and together we unpacked his bag.

Loving someone unconditionally requires tolerance, dedication, acceptance, and patience, even if this person occasionally lets you down or falls short of your expectations. It also requires making sure you don’t get taken advantage of in the process, meaning that mutual respect is still important. Take a moment to think about a current or past relationship and evaluate how well it fits the definition of unconditional—this could be a relationship with a friend, a lover, a boss, a coworker, a sibling, a parent, a child, a relative, or even a pet. Would you describe this relationship as one without limitations and regrets?

The challenge with unconditional love is being able to withhold the urge to judge people or to try to force them to change and instead learning how to accept them for who they are. Once you embrace the reality that what you see may be exactly what you get, being in that relationship will no longer be a source of regret. Love unconditionally and experience the beauty of loving someone without limitations or regrets.

Love unconditionally
and experience the
beauty of loving
someone without
limitations or regrets.

∼ Whom will you strive to love more unconditionally in your life?

∼ What factors make your love for this person conditional right now?