Chapter 4
It’s Not Always about You!
I don’t think we spend enough time understanding the power of empathy and sympathy and the effect that these two states have on our perception. Sympathy can be very seductive and can easily keep us in the Pit if we’re not careful. Sometimes we even want to throw a blanket in and have a Pit Pity Day, which is fine, as long as we don’t get seduced into staying for too long. Remember, it’s easy to become stuck in the habit of Pit behavior.
Empathy is a simple word, and one of the most understated, underused, and undervalued words in our language. I once heard the difference between empathy and sympathy described this way: Sympathy is when you join people in their dark place (the Pit), and empathy is when you throw them a ladder. When we come from a place of empathy, we give people permission to be whatever they need to be, and we are better able to support them in an objective way. Expressing empathy is also a powerful way to release anguish from the past and to connect with others in the present.
Empathy is having the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see things as they do. This Native American proverb depicts it beautifully: Don’t judge any man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins.
Empathy is the ability to understand another person’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Empathy refrains from passing judgment and avoids categorizing a person as being right or wrong. It’s the ability to use your imaginative skills to see a situation as the other person does — not “If I were you, I would...”
Being empathic sounds simple in theory, but it’s one of the most difficult states to put ourselves in. If it were easy, we would have fewer wars, less conflict, fewer divorces, and less aggression in the world. The power of empathy is so great that I believe if we all made it our daily practice, we would go a long way toward creating a world filled with much more peace and harmony. In its most powerful form, empathy precedes forgiveness — for when we truly understand, how can we not forgive?
Empathy does not mean we have to agree with someone when we really don’t — it’s about giving ourselves permission to see the situation as the other person does. Let’s take a four-sided house, with each of its outer walls a different strong color: red, yellow, green, or blue. Now let’s take four people and place each one in front of a different side of the house, so they can’t see any other sides. If I were to ask each individual the color of the house, what would they say? With absolute conviction, they would say either red, yellow, green, or blue. Are they all right? Yes! Because their view of the house is of that color. It is only red, yellow, blue, or green to them; that is all they see. This is such a powerful metaphor — if we get it. When we are too quick to denounce another’s opinion because it doesn’t fit our current reality (our view of the house), we stop all new learning from occurring. Sometimes it’s wise to just “sit” with new concepts, ideas, and opinions and just contemplate — consider the possibility. Our way is just one way, not the way. When we become consumed with proving that we are right, we stop our own evolution. Be open to the power of thinking in a different way: seeing with different eyes, feeling with a different heart, and letting go of what no longer serves you.
Empathy is a fascinating state of being. Most of us intellectualize empathy, but it can be very challenging to actually integrate empathy into our being. To intellectualize something is to stand separate from it and observe it. We see what it is, but we don’t necessarily experience “being” what it is. Integration means really living it, making it part of our DNA. When we integrate empathy, we move from a conscious state into an unconscious state; it becomes part of who we are rather than part of what we do.
We all want to think that we’re incredibly empathic. I’m sure you’re probably the most empathic person you know! So let’s put your empathy muscle to the test, shall we?
There you are, driving in the traffic, enjoying yourself, maybe even grooving to your favorite tune, when suddenly another car comes out of nowhere and abruptly cuts in front of you! You slam on the brakes, you swerve to avoid a collision, and the whole thing feels like a near-death experience. As you push your heart back down your throat, you roll down your window and say in a calm voice, “I completely understand your situation. You probably didn’t see me. Are you OK?”
Yeah, right! This is why car horns were invented!
I’m sure the majority of us see ourselves as caring, loving, enthusiastic, compassionate, and kind people. However, being those traits is a completely different thing.
Let’s try another situation. You arrive home in the evening to greet your partner. You’ve had a great day, and in you walk. “Hi, honey! I’m home!” you say in your cheeriest voice. All you get in response is a miserable grunt.
“Oh, darling,” you respond. “You don’t seem to be your normal happy self. What’s up, sugar plum?”
Your partner replies, “Oh, I’m so sorry, darling, I’m just not feeling well. Come on, give me a hug!”
As if!
It probably goes more like this:
YOU: Hi, honey!
PARTNER: (Grunt)
YOU: What’s wrong?
PARTNER: Nothing’s wrong!
YOU: Then why are you snapping at me?
PARTNER: I’m not snapping at you! Just because I’m not all over you doesn’t mean there’s something wrong!
YOU: Why do you always have to be so grumpy?
And before you know it, an argument erupts.
Sometimes we think we’re being empathic when we’re actually falling into an automatic sympathetic state. We can easily confuse sympathy with empathy. Being sympathetic means we take on the feelings and behaviors of the other person, or we move into a state of feeling sorry for the person or ourselves. Sympathy can even lead to our responding in a condescending manner.
We feel sorry for the others, or we buy into their sadness, hurt, anger, frustration, pain, and so on, after which we tend to mirror that behavior. It goes like this: They’re angry, so we become angry. They’re sad, so we get sad. They’re frustrated, so we switch to frustration. They’re cranky, so we get cranky too.
Have you ever had a friend, spouse, lover, or family member talk to you about a situation, and you go straight into feeling what they feel? It’s easy to do. For example, they tell you about a situation at work where they feel that someone has been picking on them. We usually go straight into defending our loved one and condemning the work colleague. We say, “Oh, you poor thing, I feel so sorry for you.” We may think we’re comforting them, but we’re actually offering a false sense of comfort. If anything, sympathy can make the person feel more frightened, more lonely, and worse.
Sympathy can also be a self-centered reaction, because our response is usually based on how we would feel if something like that happened to us. Sympathetic love is a victim state; it’s an enabling state; it’s a “feel sorry for” state.
In contrast, empathy is not about us — it is completely about the other person. When we have true empathy, we don’t cloud the situation with our feelings, thoughts, and opinions. We use our imaginative skills to picture what it must be like for the other person to experience this situation.
The great thing about being empathic is that it stops us from assuming, which then gives us the chance to ask questions. So often we interpret situations based on our own perceptions — only to find out that we’re completely out of sync with how the other person really feels. When we put ourselves in the picture, we pollute it with our interpretation. We pollute it with our values; we pollute it with our bias. We pollute it with our beliefs, our temperament, our age, our gender, our past experiences, our cultural background, our financial position, our education, and our religious views. We pollute our perception by filtering it through all of these and more. This prevents us from seeing any view other than our own.
When we’re in an empathic state and we’re imagining what it’s like for someone else, we are not part of their picture. The easiest way to determine whether you’re being empathic in its purest form is to ask yourself, “Am I seeing their picture or have I created my own picture? Am I basing this on their filters or mine?” Unfortunately, we often do create our own picture of their story. For example, someone describes a situation to us, or we see a story on the news, and our response becomes, “I understand how that person must be feeling, because when I’m in that situation, I feel...” We assume that the person is going to have the same reaction that we would. This is not being empathic; this is putting our personal judgments, interpretations, and values onto the other person. Empathy is always about remaining completely neutral. Yes, relating to a situation from our own past experience can give us a deeper understanding or a good reference point, but it is important to remember not to pollute their experience with our own. When we’re empathic, we don’t necessarily agree. We just see. We see it through the “eyes” of another.
There was an uproar many years ago about wild baby seal pups being killed, and as much as I disagree with killing innocent animals, I could understand that the killing was a form of livelihood for those doing the killing. I could see the situation from the other side only when I put my emotional reaction on pause. Of course, I could never imagine myself, with my lifestyle, killing helpless baby animals — but if I imagine being a father desperate to earn money to feed my hungry children, then yes, I can see how it is possible.
If you really get empathy, I promise you that many parts of your life will manifest into abundance, and you’ll experience a new sense of calm and compassion. The more you practice empathy in all parts of your life, the more you’ll integrate it into your everyday manner. For example, in business, imagine if you were to exist in a state of empathy with your clients. Imagine that you didn’t worry about making money, or hitting targets, or how you looked, and that you remained purely and objectively focused on that client and the client’s needs. You would sell more than you could ever imagine to customers who would truly appreciate you and your service. When we really step into the shoes of the customer and wear their eyes, ears, and emotions for a moment, we create a connection that’s trusting and real. People respond to that because they feel significant. It isn’t an intellectual or calculated response; it’s a genuine display of concern and caring.
Now let’s take empathy from a relationship point of view. If we were totally empathic with the people we’re in relationships with, it wouldn’t be about us. It wouldn’t be about our gain; it wouldn’t be about what we did or didn’t get out of it. It would be about how we could serve the person we were with. If that person had the same intention, can you imagine the harmony within the relationship? It would be amazing! Whatever we want for ourselves is usually a good indicator of what we should give first to another; what we give, we usually receive.
Of course, in any relationship, issues will come up and conflict will occur, but if we could come from the point of view of the other person first and really aim to see things through that person’s eyes before we state our case, we would have a far greater chance of a more peaceful and harmonious union. Whether we’re leading someone, loving someone, listening to someone, or serving someone, if we come from an empathic base, we’re on course to creating a successful and meaningful relationship. Being empathic with another human being isn’t easy, though, and that’s why few people do it authentically. Yet when we put the focus on truly wanting to understand the person before us, wonderful things can happen.
I met a lovely man after one of my conferences. The section in my presentation on empathy had moved him greatly. He mentioned that he was having trouble connecting with his fifteen-year-old daughter, and they seemed to be growing apart. She rarely spent time with him, unlike his older daughter, who seemed to enjoy the same things he did. This father really wanted to work on their relationship, but everything he tried to do seemed to push his daughter away even more.
As he spoke, I could see tears in his eyes. I asked him if he had honestly told his daughter how he was feeling — how much he loved her and that he wanted to get closer to her — instead of just analyzing why they weren’t connecting. He said they had never discussed these matters, and he resolved to do so at the earliest opportunity.
I received an e-mail from him a few days later saying that he had sat his daughter down and told her how he understood that she was growing up and finding her own interests. He explained to her that as much as he was proud of her finding her own identity, this appeared to have an effect on how much time they spent together, and there was a distance growing between them. He explained that he quite simply just missed being with her. He also told her he didn’t have any answers but just wanted her to know how much he wanted to be closer to her, and he loved her with all his heart. He told her the beautiful, honest truth about his own vulnerability — not that she was wrong or what he expected from her or their relationship.
Once he opened up and showed his sensitivity without judging his daughter, she also became empathic. She saw how they had drifted apart and how that must have hurt him. She also confessed that she was a little jealous of the relationship he had with her older sibling. They cried, hugged, and agreed to spend more time getting to know each other. This brave father and daughter proceeded on a wonderful journey of creating a great relationship based on understanding and love, not judgment, mind reading, and false expectations.
It’s easy to find ourselves wanting everyone else to understand us so that our needs get filled first, especially when we’re overwhelmed with life. But if we all were to make the effort to discover the uniqueness of those we share our lives with, we would be amazed at how much easier our communication could be. Empathy is completely about the other person, and it’s the key to helping us understand the people we live with.
My two sons are different in many ways — from their temperament and personality, to the way they explain something, to what they do in their spare time, to the music they enjoy. That’s because they are different, and my job as their parent is to invest the time to work out what motivates them, what drives them, and how they think and feel so that I can support them the best I can in their journey. I parent them each very differently because of this, and along the way I explain their differences to each of them so that they, too, can grow up realizing that people are different and that’s OK. When we understand that we are all different, we begin to appreciate that our reactions and emotions are also different.