Chapter 16

Writing in Another’s Book of Life

Some of the greatest chances for falling into the Pit arise through our interactions with other people. We may truly intend to write positive things in their Book of Life and then fall short of that intention. The good news is, there are things we can do to help put Flipman into action.

Being Right

As we now know, it is our interpretation of a situation that creates our response to it. In my younger, less informed years, I would often get myself all worked up by trying to convince someone of my opinion, especially if theirs didn’t match mine! I would have passionate disagreements, thinking that if I could give a good enough argument, I could get them to see my point of view. But of course, I usually ended up jumping into my Pit and feeling frustrated and angry! I now look back and realize that my empathy skills needed a lot of work, and it wasn’t so much the differing opinions that put me in the Pit as it was my insatiable desire to be right.

There is a wonderful saying, “What is more important, being right or having peace?” As I get older and continue to use my Flipman approach to life, I find that I’m becoming more mellow in my responses to certain situations. I now find myself letting things slide that I would have previously found incredibly irritating or upsetting. Wouldn’t it have been great to discover that pearl of wisdom a little earlier in life so that I would not have wasted important energy on minor irritations and incidental issues?

I have often heard others say that as they mature they too have become mellower. I hope this characteristic isn’t restricted to those who are maturing, but maybe life experience is the rite of passage.

I’m not saying we should be pushovers. I think respectful assertiveness and a healthy self-esteem are two of the most important traits anybody can possess. But when we’re in our Pitman state, we can tend to feel that everyone else is against us, and to see every slight or conflict as a personal attack. “They did it to me!” When we’re in that frame of mind, we can get so blinded by having to win the fight that we lose the war. How often does proving that we’re right bring us peace? We lose sight of the big picture and get stuck in winning the argument. It might give us some sense of satisfaction, but at what cost?

It took me a long time to learn this powerful lesson. Again, this does not mean we become submissive. It’s more about having the wisdom to let slide those things that don’t really matter. Chapter 4 on empathy really explains this. When we can truly put ourselves in the place of another, we can easily see the situation through that person’s eyes. We become less concerned with being right and more concerned with understanding. When we aim to understand, we usually create peace as a result. So when you’re about to explode at someone important in your life, pause and consider which is more important to you: being right or having peace?

How to Have a Great Relationship

I have discovered the formula for creating a happy, fulfilling relationship, and it boils down to one simple sentence. Now, because I’m a divorced single mother, you may be thinking my advice on this is on a par with a vegetarian’s advice on how to cook steak! But I’ve been around the block a few times, and after years of working with human beings and watching what works and what doesn’t, I believe I do know the formula.

If we understand and accept the power of empathy in a relationship, this will be the next evolution for us because it will make sense. If it doesn’t, then maybe we need to reevaluate how well we understand and accept the powerful role that empathy plays in our relationships.

Are you ready for this amazingly simple, one-sentence formula? Here it is:

Just find out what the other person wants to feel loved and give it to them!

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? But is it? So often when we’re in a relationship with someone, we assume we know what he or she wants. We often base our knowledge of their needs on our assumptions rather than on true understanding. If we’ve mastered the ability to see life through the eyes of our partner, our children, our friends, our customers, and so on, we’re more likely to want to give them what they want rather than feeling we have to give.

A lengthy relationship is also no guarantee that we understand each other’s needs. When was the last time we asked someone we love, “How do you know I love you?” What if someone asked the same of you? If we wanted to take our relationships to the next level, we could even continue with, “And how can I love you better?” We can usually articulate what makes us feel loved. If we ask the people we love, “How do you know I love you?” they’ll probably tell us, so let’s make sure we listen to their answers. They’re telling us how they measure our love — whether we like it or not, whether it fits with our paradigm or not. And when they let us know how we can love them better, we’d best be appreciative of the opportunity to improve — not offended that we’ve been “doing it wrong.”

When Harison was about ten years old and I asked him, “How do you know Mommy loves you?” he answered with a big grin, “When you sit with me while I play on the computer.” I remember thinking, as my shoulders dropped, “What? Watch you play on the computer! You’re kidding, right? What’s your top five? I’ll see if there’s something in there that I enjoy.”

Now, of course I didn’t say that to him. And I became far more conscious of sitting with him and watching him play his electronic games, which he loved. I did find it interesting, though I was slightly annoyed at first that it wasn’t something I wanted to do. That’s when it hit me. Most of us are more than happy to give people what they want, as long as it fits our criteria for what we want to give! As I just said, that one-sentence formula sounds simple in theory, but I hope by now you’re starting to see that in practice it may not be as easy as it sounds. It can be very tempting to give only what we want to give. If we truly value the relationship, however, we will willingly give the other what that person wants (without compromising our own values and beliefs, of course), but sometimes our ego or our need for control can stop us.

Once, just after I had discussed this concept in my presentation at a conference, a woman approached me. Her face lit up as she told me she was getting married in four months, but her smile faded when she mentioned, “I love receiving flowers, but my fiancé will never buy me any.”

“Why not?”

“He said he doesn’t do flowers.”

“Well! Why don’t you tell him that ‘the shop is shut!’ and it’s not opening for business until we see some petals sitting in a vase! It’s called consequence, baby!”

We both laughed. Then in a serious tone I added, “You’re not even married yet, and if he isn’t willing to buy you a lousy bunch of flowers every now and then to put a smile on your face, what else won’t he be willing to do to make you happy after you’re married?”

I don’t know whether she was angry or saddened, but there on her face I could see that my words rang true. I’m so surprised and saddened when I hear of people who are not willing to do what it takes to make their partners feel happy and loved. What is that about? This is not a male/female thing either. This is simply caring enough about your partner or loved ones to bring them happiness. We can get so stuck in our need for control: “You will get what I want you to have.”

Familiarity in a relationship can be like throwing water on the fire. We stop doing the magical things that we used to do for each other. We don’t bother anymore with surprise gifts, a lingering kiss before leaving for work, cooking favorite meals, thinking up surprises, and so forth. There are the familiar long-running jibes from men complaining about insufficient sex in their relationships. And women complain about the lack of romance. Before marriage it was all about chocolates, dinners, walks along the beach, and whispered sweet nothings. After marriage: “Hey, babe, are you awake?” Maybe if we kept giving what we did in the beginning of our relationships, we would keep some of that magic alive.

There are endless opportunities to demonstrate our feelings for those we love. But the danger lies in trying to be a mind reader. We assume we know what they want, only to find the other person not being responsive to our “thoughtfulness.” If we just ask the question and really listen, with empathy, we might be surprised by the other person’s answer. Most of the time, the things that make people feel loved are not hard to give. For example:

I feel loved when you empty the dishwasher.

I feel loved when you take me for a meal so we can sit and talk.

I feel loved when you pick some flowers for me.

I feel loved when you give me a surprise massage.

I feel loved when you make dinner.

I feel loved when you help me in the garden.

When I say I need time to think, I feel loved when you let me be alone.

I feel loved when you help me with my homework.

I feel loved when you surprise me at work and drive me home.

I feel loved when we snuggle on the couch and watch movies.

I feel loved when you send me an “I love you” message.

I feel loved when you brush my hair.

I feel loved when we have a picnic at the beach.

I feel loved when you want to get to know my friends.

I feel loved when you tell me I look gorgeous even though you’ve seen this same face for twenty years.

I feel loved when you watch me play on my computer.

I feel loved when you say, “I love you.”

I feel loved when you still laugh at my jokes even though you’ve heard them a thousand times before.

I feel loved when you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy.

A gentleman from an audience e-mailed me a story about asking his four-year-old son, “How do you know Daddy loves you?” He said his son stood up tall, puffed his little chest out, and said with all the pride he could muster, “When you put me in the rubber duckie, Daddy!” The father explained that he was a lifeguard at the beach, and the rubber duckie was a watercraft used to rescue people. He said he almost fell over at his son’s answer, as the only reason he put him into the rubber duckie was to keep him out of harm’s way! He had no idea it meant so much to his son, but his son knew it was an important vessel, so “Daddy must love me if he puts me in it!”

Don’t hesitate to ask those you love, “How do you know I love you?” You, too, may be very surprised at some of the answers you get.

Remember, just find out what the other person wants — and give it to them.

Cup Filling

It astonishes me how difficult it is for some of us to say something positive to another human being — unconditionally. So often we think wonderful things about others and then keep the thoughts to ourselves instead of sharing them with that particular person. Here’s an exercise for you: List ten positive traits that you love about your partner, parent, child, or work buddy — someone you really care about. Remember, no buts or howevers! Write down those ten things about them — and then surprise them.

For many years, I have spoken about our “emotional muscles.” We all have emotional muscles, just as we have physical muscles. I call this the “emotional muscle factor.” When exercised appropriately, our emotional muscle factor gives us amazing support when dealing with the challenges of everyday life. One of the most important emotional muscles we can develop is the ability to give people the kind of feedback that helps them feel better about themselves. I call this “cup filling.” We are cup filling when we fill somebody’s emotional cup with comments and actions that build their self-esteem and self-belief.

Once, on a plane, I had the pleasure of being served by one of the happiest crews I had seen in a long time. I was sufficiently impressed that I wanted to say something complimentary as I was exiting the plane. Suddenly, Pitman jumped into my head and said, “Don’t be silly. Don’t say anything. They’ll think you’re stupid.”

Luckily, Flipman overruled him, yelling, “Walk your talk, girl!” So as I left the plane, I placed my hand on the arm of one of the flight attendants, smiled, and said, “This is the happiest crew I have flown with in a long while. Thank you so much.”

She broke into laughter, gave me a huge thank-you, and said, “You have no idea how much I needed to hear that!”

Cup filler, not cup driller.

Her reaction was enough to show me that we all need our cup filled occasionally.

I always have a silent chuckle when I give a compliment and the person says, “Pardon? What did you say?” so I repeat what I said. When our cup is empty, I think we like to hear compliments a couple of times!

Check to see how readily you cup fill. Do you find it easier to fill a stranger’s cup than the cup of those you love? If so, is that because you have allowed yourself to become overly critical of those you love? Have you stopped looking for the wonder in what others do because you focus only on the negatives? It can be so easy to miss the magic of the intention because we get so caught up in finding fault with the person.

Is There a “But” in Your Life?

In longer-term relationships, we tend to generalize the positives and specify the negatives. We say, “I love you, but...” then go on to list all the things that annoy us about that person. In this way, we become “cup drillers,” and we weaken the very fabric that is needed for a strong relationship.

How often do we give (or get) a cup fill only to end it with a cup drill? We make all of these great self-esteem-boosting comments and then completely destroy the effect of it by adding negative comments. We don’t allow the person to digest the positives. “You’re doing so well at school, but if you spent less time on the PlayStation or Xbox, you would do even better!” I am not saying that we don’t have areas we need to work on — of course we do. We just need to make sure that we don’t pollute the positives with negatives. Sometimes it’s wonderful to bathe in the positives for a little while. It can also make it easier to take on board the “needs improvement” comments that come our way.

Considering the impact that critical feedback can have on us, it makes sense to ensure that we counteract this with at least four to five times the amount of positive communication. If a person’s cup is full, it probably won’t be as difficult for that person to take criticism, because the positive forms a healthy buffer. On the other hand, if a person’s cup is empty, he or she is not going to be as receptive to constructive feedback. In fact, it will probably sting like crazy.

Once, when a group of procrastinators attended one of my management programs, I gave them a task for homework: “When you get home tonight, do one thing you’ve been putting off.”

On our way home in the car, I mentioned to my then-husband Rick that I was going to cook him his favorite meal, something I had been putting off for a while.

“I’m making you spaghetti Bolognese tonight, honey!” I said, so proudly, knowing just how much he adored it.

He paused for a moment, and then: “Uh, honey, it’s not ‘Bo-LOG-naise’! It’s ‘bo-lon-yaise’ — the G is silent!”

“Really!” I exclaimed. “And is that like Rick with a silent P?”

It was OK — he laughed, and then so did I — but this illustrates my point: sometimes we miss the magic in the intention, because we are too busy looking for fault in the person.

Just like any other skill, making positive, uplifting comments takes some practice. It takes practice to notice the good in others, and it takes practice to verbalize these observations.

Pass the Compliment

When the kids were younger, we loved to play a game called Pass the Compliment. We would sit in a circle, and one of us would begin by giving the person on the right two positive comments about why he or she loved that person. The person who had received the compliments could respond only with “thank you”; then that person would pass it on by giving the person on his or her right two positives — and so we would work our way around our sacred hoop. We then went back the other way so that all together we gave and received different compliments to and from each other.

This was also a great game when traveling in the car, because the trip gave us time to digest the compliment, and it made us think about why we love each other and why we are loved in return.

This simple game helped my boys develop their emotional muscle factor. Each time we practice complimenting others, whether verbally or written, our emotional muscles grow. It’s so rewarding to know that your words have filled another person’s cup and theirs have filled yours.

Many years ago, during a presentation to an audience of over six hundred men, I suggested that they write a love letter to their children for Christmas. I went on to share a story about a male friend of mine who had never heard his father say “I love you” and how he had longed for this all his life. During the break, a gentleman came up to me and said, with tears in his eyes and a huge grin on his face, “I just sent my son a text telling him that I loved him. He sent me this back.” He handed me his phone, and I saw his son’s reply: “Ditto! That was rather random, Dad!” We both burst out laughing, and I could tell that his laugh was extra boisterous; as much as his son had probably loved hearing those three magical words, I think this beautiful dad had loved it too! I am sure that text will be saved forever.

Be a cup filler — not a cup driller — and see the results, right there on the faces and in the hearts of those you have touched!

Love Letters

We have so many opportunities to cup fill, but sometimes life gets in the way. I’m sorry to admit that as a parent I’ve spent a lot of time nagging. “Put your shoes away. Feed the dog. Clean your teeth. Set the table. Do your homework.” I’m sure every parent can relate to this on some level! We can spend much of our communication time being unconsciously negative, which of course impinges on the time that might have been spent creating happy, loving memories for those whom we treasure.

What is it about the special people in your life that makes them so lovable? It’s important to remind the people we love of why we love them. To help restore the balance, I write love letters. For example, every so often, I’ll write a love letter to my two beautiful boys. I take some time to tell them on paper what I think is wonderful, magnificent, precious, special, unique, and fabulous about them.

An important rule when writing love letters is to never ever use the words “but” or “however” or mention anything that you’re not happy with or that you feel that they could improve — otherwise, all we’re doing is pouring it in at the top and drilling it out at the bottom. Think about what you can do to remind the people in your life of what you love about them. How can you fill their cup? Parents, write your sons and daughters that letter you have been putting off — for years — writing and sending! We let stupid insecurities get in the way of helping others feel fantastic. Do you really think your baby (regardless of age) is going to be correcting your grammar or punctuation? Your child will probably be trying so hard to read through misty eyes that he or she wouldn’t care if it were written on toilet paper! I remember one father who was more concerned about his handwriting being messy than he was about filling his own son’s cup to the brim.

My kids have kept every love letter I have given them, and I have kept theirs. I have also kept the hundreds of cards and letters that I have received from people I have presented to over the years. Whenever I feel down or need to remind myself that I do have value, I just read a bunch of these priceless gifts, and within a very short space of time, I’m feeling great again.

Whether it’s a sticky note with a short message popped into a lunchbox; an e-mail from the office to tell your daughter you were thinking of how much you love her; a funny card for your lover to say that after all these years, he or she still makes your heart beat faster; a quick text to say “I love you, son”; or a five-page essay detailing every scrumptious part of them that you love — do it!

Just Do It!

I know flexing your emotional muscle factor may be hard at first, but it’s like exercising any muscle that hasn’t been given a regular workout. We may experience slight awkwardness at first, and the judger in us (Pitman) will be criticizing every word. But the more we work at it, the easier it becomes, to the point where we just can’t imagine life without writing letters that make other people feel great! We never know — it could be our letter that reminds them of how special they are at a moment when they’ve been thinking about doing something harmful to themselves.

My mother and I had been close for many years. Unfortunately, through misconceptions, unrealistic expectations, and not seeking the truth about each other, we drifted apart to the point that hostility became part of our scarce communication. The climax came one night when my mother and I had a massive phone fight about the fallout from my marriage separation. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (more on my part) and lots of tears (from both of us). It was a huge showdown. Everything I had never dared to say to her about my past came up, as well as all the things that I had wanted from her but could never ask for. It all came pouring out of my mouth with venom, anger, and desperation.

I so badly wanted her to understand all that I had gone through. I wanted her to feel my pain and make it better. For many years I had tried to convince myself that I didn’t need my mother and that we weren’t meant to have a close relationship. Now — feeling incredibly vulnerable — I wanted her to be my mommy, and I wanted to be her little girl again.

But that night, something shifted. As she remained silent, I realized (later) that she was simply digesting the massive reality of my past that I had just sprung on her. She had no idea what I had gone through, because I had kept it from her so as not to hurt her. How ironic — by my wanting to not burden her with my truth, we ended up hurting each other anyway! When we conceal something from others, their intuition picks it up but can’t decipher exactly what it is; they just know instinctively that something isn’t quite right. People are not mind readers, and when we conceal our truth from them, they have to make sense of the limited information we offer. Their intuition may be screaming at them to pay attention, but we haven’t given them enough information to validate their feelings.

That night, all the pieces came together for my mother and me. Now, we didn’t magically create a new bond overnight. It took lots of time, lots of talking, and lots of patience and acceptance.

A few months after this eventful night, I took a short trip to New Zealand, and my mother babysat my boys. As I was leaving, I noticed a handwritten letter from my mother. I started to read. I tried to fight back the tears. My breath was taken away. My mother had written me a love letter! Not just any old love letter. It was the most beautiful love letter in the world. She had written it for me, and in that moment, as I blinked tears onto the page, I felt totally connected to her.

I felt her love, and I knew she understood my past, which she knew she couldn’t change. Just knowing she was there for me, proud of me and loving me, was everything I needed. That letter is now safely laminated, and every time I read it, I am reminded of my mother’s love.

As I sat in Auckland Airport waiting, pen in hand, for my flight home, the words just flowed onto the page as I wrote a love letter back to her. To think we had missed out on ten years because we’d lost our way! She’s in her eighties now, and I’m so grateful we’ve found our way back to each other. Some people say they don’t have regrets. Well, I do. I regret that I lost those ten years because of ignorance, pride, and misunderstanding. I have learned the heavy price of not standing in my truth, and the damage that secrets can do to a relationship. I realized too late that my arrogant need to be right had stopped me from having those tough conversations earlier. The only way out is through — I had tried to avoid the pain of confrontation by pretending I didn’t care. And all I have is now — so I am going to not waste another minute.

Love letters work. I will keep writing those letters to my family and friends, and I hope you will write yours too.

— Jackson, age five

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

— MAYA ANGELOU