Chapter 8
Happiness Is a Choice
How we deal with feedback is really about choice. Whether we interpret the feedback positively or negatively depends on the perception we choose to adopt. It can be tempting to make it about the other person or the circumstance. But whether we see it as a personal attack or an opportunity for growth is our choice.
A woman who worked for me years ago was constantly late, especially for work, and when I would question her about it, she would blame the bus! “The bus is always late!” she would exclaim, not realizing that it wasn’t the bus’s responsibility to get her to work on time. It was her responsibility. My suggestion that she catch an earlier bus was not received with much gratitude — and she would continue to not be grateful for it until she took ownership of her punctuality. Taking personal responsibility and blaming others can rarely coexist.
But what about all of the other factors that influence our day-to-day moods? How do we go about staying optimistic? When we feel down, rarely does anyone show us how to get out of the Pit. It’s a bit like the advice given by well-meaning people who say things like, “Don’t take your personal problems to work. Make sure you leave them at the front door.” But has anyone ever shown us how to not take our personal problems to work? And what about the line, “Don’t take this personally,” which invariably precedes personal criticism and is usually followed by the word “but”?
One of my friends was laid off from her job. As she was handed the termination letter, her manager said, “Now don’t take this personally.” She replied sarcastically, “I find it very hard not to — the letter starts with ‘Dear Carol’!”
Wouldn’t it be empowering to be able to deal with life’s ups and downs in an optimistic and objective way? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had a formula to avoid taking our personal problems to work? What if we had a process that enabled us to jump out of that Pit whenever we wanted to? Our lives would improve dramatically if we were fully empowered to make that choice. If only we had a process whereby we didn’t need an outside influence in order for us to feel or act in a healthy, positive way again. Would you like to know a process that could enable you to change from being a Pit dweller to living a life full of energy and optimism? Would that be of benefit to you?
A lot of us would like to live our lives out of the Pit, but being a victim has its advantages too! It gives us an out, often providing an opportunity for us to blame others for our problems, as well as offering an excuse for why our life isn’t working. To some of us, the fear of walking through our pain seems too great, so under the guise of “they did it to me” we settle for a lesser, more numb life.
The difficult news for really serious Pit dwellers is that when they learn how to live outside of the Pit, they can no longer blame others for their problems. That’s probably why the Professional Pit People don’t want exposure to this type of information.
To live outside of the Pit, you must accept that you are personally responsible for your own life; it is you who place yourself in the Pit, and you are the only one who can get yourself out. It’s like a self-renovation — but you’re the only one on the site! This is one task you can’t delegate. Sure, you can reflect, get advice, read books, and attend self-improvement courses — but at the end of the day, it is you alone who can change you.
You have to be the person who takes positive action. No lover, no weight-loss program, no job, no house, no child, no school result, no company profit, no friend, and no amount of money will get you out of that Pit if you’re not willing to climb that ladder yourself. Will your support group be waiting for you at the top? Who knows? But you have a much better chance of attracting positive support into your life if you have a positive projection.
To be positive in your outlook, you don’t need to be yee-ha!-ing all over the place. I sometimes cringe when I hear people saying things like, “Positive! Positive! Positive! We’ve just gotta be positive!” When I use the word “positive,” I’m not talking about being a constant cheerleader, seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, or being blindly optimistic. Being positive simply means taking life as it comes and being present in all of the situations life offers. Positive people have certain things in common:
They sometimes spend time alone in reflection.
They give themselves permission to experience the entire range of their emotions, including sadness, excitement, grief, joy, anger, despair, disappointment, and happiness. They realize that’s a positive thing to do.
They use their limitations to their advantage and to the benefit of others.
Some of the most positive people I’ve ever met have been quiet, deep thinkers who in their so-called darkest moments have created some of the most amazing outcomes. On the other hand, some of us think both the answer and the problem are outside of ourselves. We can waste a lot of time and energy waiting for that magical person to come along or event to occur to save us. The magical answer we’ve been looking for has been within us all along. So if you’re ready to live a life outside of the Pit, then keep reading.
Take Ownership
On the following pages you will find a few simple strategies to support you in living a life that allows you to operate from ownership, not blame. Living a life of ownership means we accept how we react to a situation or event. We can’t always be responsible for what life throws at us, but we can always be responsible for how we react to any situation, even the most traumatic ones.
In contrast, operating in a blame state (becoming a Pitman) finds us consistently placing the responsibility for how we feel outside of ourselves. I am not saying that we will never go to the Pit again. Of course we will. We all will. It’s just that after learning the next stage, you’ll determine how long you stay there. One of the greatest freedoms I have is knowing that I am 100 percent responsible for how I feel. Do I still feel frustrated and angered by the actions of others? Of course! But I know that I choose my reactions every single time. When we realize this, we start to exercise this emotional muscle, and it becomes easier to notice when and who we give our power away to, especially when we’re upset or reactionary.
Ownership: “I still go to the Pit occasionally, and every time I’m in there, I know it was me who put me there, nobody else. I am not responsible for how others behave, but I am responsible for how I interpret that behavior and how I react to it.”
Blame: “I would have done, been, had … if it had not been for...” Most of us have existed in a state of blame at certain points in our lives. There are phrases that can warn us when we’re in a “blame” state:
“They did it to me!”
“It’s not my fault I’m like this.”
“If only you hadn’t...”
“Why is this happening to me?”
“It’s not fair!”
“Nothing I do is ever good enough.”
“I can’t believe he treated me like that!”
“Nothing ever goes right for me.”
How often do we hear friends or partners blame each other for their behavior?
“Why did you let me drink so much?”
“Why didn’t you tell me I had spent so much?”
“If you hadn’t done that, then I wouldn’t have done this!”
“How could you let me embarrass myself like that?”
“Why didn’t you stop me?”
“How could you upset me by behaving like that?”
“If only you hadn’t done that to me!”
“Can you imagine what other people thought when you did that?”
This kind of talk doesn’t serve anyone’s higher good. So how can we operate from a position that takes full responsibility for how we show up in the world? We are personally responsible for how we experience the world through our thought processes. When we take responsibility for our personal perception, we can stop blaming others for how we feel.
Let me share with you a fun anecdote about the power of perception. We use this great example when doing customer-service training.
An aggressive guy walks up to the check-in counter at an international airport. In a loud, gruff voice, he says to the check-in clerk, “Jack Byrne — Toronto!” and throws his passport onto the counter, indifferent to the fact that it hits the young woman’s hand. As the clerk checks the screen, she cringes. Mr. Byrne’s flight closed fifteen minutes ago, and she isn’t looking forward to delivering the bad news. She looks up at Mr. Byrne, who is impatiently tapping his fingers on the counter, and says in a most apologetic voice, “I am so sorry, sir. That flight is now closed, and unfortunately — “
Not letting her complete her sentence, he bursts into a tirade of abuse. “What do you mean the flight is closed? Reopen it! Call the plane immediately. Let them know I’ve arrived!”
The clerk tries to pacify Mr. Byrne with empathy. “Sir, I can imagine your frustration and how inconvenient this is for you. It’s just that — “
She is again interrupted by another blast. “Don’t give me that! Do you know who I am? Who do you think you are, you blonde bimbo! I’m going to have your job for this — just you wait!”
The clerk explains that she has put him on the next flight, and as she tags his bags, she can feel his wrath as he huffs and puffs. She hands him his boarding pass. Snatching it from her hand, he yells, “This isn’t the last you’ve heard from me!”
He storms off, leaving the clerk standing there to receive her next passenger. “Good afternoon, sir,” she says in a calm, professional manner and with a big smile. “Thank you for your patience.”
The next passenger cannot believe the clerk’s amazing ability to handle such an abusive outburst and then instantly switch her headspace to being emotionally ready to receive the next passenger. He can’t praise her enough. “I just have to say that I’ve never seen anyone handle such an aggressive person in such a calm and empathic way. You’re amazing! How do you do it?”
“Well,” she says with a cheeky smile, “I have a special way of dealing with people like that.”
“Oh, do tell!”
“All I can say is that I would love to be in Toronto to see Mr. Byrne’s face when he finds out that his luggage has gone to Tokyo!”
They both burst out laughing. Then the clerk admits she’s only kidding. “But it is an enticing thought. We all have bad days, and although I was a little shaken by his rudeness, I accept that it wasn’t really about me. Maybe he doesn’t know how to handle situations like that, or maybe he’s had a really rough day. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and revenge has never opened the door to compassion and understanding.”
This clerk could have blamed Mr. Byrne for upsetting her. She also could have taken her feelings out on other customers. She could have stayed in a bad mood for the rest of the day. She could have let it affect her confidence as well. But she didn’t do any of these things, and this had nothing to do with anybody but her! She took responsibility for how she perceived the situation, and as a result, she was in control of her reaction and her emotions.
I see the two approaches — ownership and blame — as similar to different roles in the making of a movie. Taking ownership means you are the director, creating the story; casting blame means you are simply an actor in the movie, playing out the role under someone else’s direction and control. Remember, your life is your movie. You get the chance to reinterpret the scenes and create a new meaning for any experience you have encountered. When we start to see every situation and event in our life as an opportunity for our evolution or enlightenment, we don’t waste valuable time and energy feeling sorry for ourselves. We give ourselves that most valuable gift of choice!
I believe one of the greatest ownership teachers on the planet is Nelson Mandela. The story goes that when Nelson Mandela was in prison, he would give thanks to the guards for punishing him. If he had to carry boulders all day, he would thank the prison guards for giving him a task that would strengthen his muscles and keep him fit. If he was sent to solitary confinement, he would give thanks for the space and solitude to clear his thoughts and strengthen his clarity. Everything that was thrown at him, he chose to receive with gratitude. What a powerful lesson for us all. The next time you face a challenge, rather than feeling defeated, find the gift! Nelson Mandela had every reason to live in the Pit while in prison, but he chose to perceive his incarceration differently, and in so doing he inspired a world by his courage.
So how can I get out of the Pit?