Chapter 7

Overcoming Language Pressure Anxiety

Language in the breech: Some of the otherwise best and brightest are great in rehearsal but fall apart on the front lines. We address here how to proactively take control of key influence and persuasion language so as to create a “martial arts” of verbal communication.

Managing the Media

Even steeled and feared CEOs sometimes unravel in the face of media inquiry. So do presidential press secretaries. In fact, so do Presidents. (Remember Bill Clinton’s syntactically dreadful “It depends what ‘is’ is?”) Bold military leaders, athletes who perform under pressure, celebrities accustomed to the spotlight, all have withered before media heat.

Yet, this is an age where there is no expectation of privacy any more. Anything we say, write, or portray may well be used against us, not in a court of law, but in the court of public opinion.

Whether it’s the 2015 Super Bowl champion New England Patriots and deflated footballs or it is presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton declaring that she and Bill were dirt poor when they left the White House, the media gives airing to these bloopers, but the speakers are the ones committing them.

And, if it occurs to people like that, what about you and me?

Now, you may be thinking, “I don’t interact with the media. No one is trying to interview me.” But we need to adjust the scale and adjust to current times.

The media today include Facebook, YouTube, LinkedIn, Twitter, and any number of other social platforms. The media include things you create in writing, such as résumés (which sometimes contain unexpunged white lies that return to ruin a career). Brian Williams, the NBC anchor, was removed from the most popular evening newscast on television for exaggerations and lies that were pointless, but which he repeated so often that he probably came to believe.

The point is that the media are all around us. Supposedly, there are apps that allow your message or photo to automatically be erased within a short time, but there are no other apps created to reverse that ability! Histories on computers are not eliminated simply by choosing to do so on the computer menu, nor are cell phone histories.

Here are some rules for dealing with the media, whether the communication is instigated by media sources, third parties on the media, or you:

1. Always consider that you never know who will read something. Business careers have been subverted and job openings lost because a superior or interviewer took the time to find the other person on Facebook. Some one recently applied to me for coaching, but I refused him when I learned on Twitter that he prided himself on being a hacker—which is illegal.
2. Attack or debate positions not people. Ad hominem approaches are not only damaging to your own reputation but can engender long-term animosities. What we once called word-of-mouth and now call viral marketing can work two ways, and when respected peers say someone is treacherous, others will not go near them.
3. Practice and proof read. Forget about typos and be more concerned with the nature and character of your communication. There is no such thing as withdrawing an e-mail any more than there is such a thing as the jury disregarding a toxic accusation. Don’t use examples from companies that aren’t in the public domain (e.g., printed in the media) without permission.
4. Never assume your words are ephemeral. Someone is always recording. Just as a secret never remains a secret if more than one person knows, there will be someone making notes, recording on a device, or taping no matter what your remonstrance against it. I see people in Broadway theaters doing this all the time, despite the risk of being tossed out of a $300 seat.
5. Review upside and downside. You should be communicating with language that provides you with a 90 percent upside and only 10 ­percent downside (i.e., benefit vs. risk). Don’t tell people you guarantee your plan will work. Tell them it’s the best plan available and has the best chance of working.

One of the very best practices with the media is to use metaphor in place of pedestrian words. Move into the high-speed lane. We’ll cover that later below. But first, let’s look at profitable language in debate.

Determined Debate

A debate, by common definition, is a formal exchange of ideas where opposing views are discussed. When you think of a formal debate (political, public forum, student debate teams), there are extremely strict rules to be followed. There are affirmative positions and negative positions, or point or counterpoint discussions. Each side has a designated time frame to present, to refute, and to overcome objections. The debate is moderated and judged. A winner is objectively declared either by a scoring system or subjectively by an often infamous public opinion polling system.

As we all know, this is not how it works in the everyday debates you engage in as a leader. Yet, some of the same core foundations for formal debate apply in your world:

1. Be well informed: Understand your position and the counter position (the thesis and antithesis).
2. State your position and a short summary or description that supports your position. Even though your position may appeal to emotion, there must be logic in the foundation.
3. Respond to and overcome objections.
4. Confirm agreement or ultimately agree to disagree (strive for synthesis).

Recognize that an effective debate is not a series of “Yeah, but” monologues by each person. It must be an integrated, push-and-pull conversation.

In my first decade of adulthood, I was convinced that if your opinion was different from mine, then I was right and you were wrong. And I was more than happy to debate you while professing and insisting on the merits of my rightness. In my second decade, under the same circumstances, I still thought I was right and you were wrong. The difference was I didn’t necessarily have to tell you that you were wrong and I certainly didn’t need to initiate or engage in a debate. I was OK with just knowing I was right. In my third decade, I finally evolved to realize that in matters of opinion, perception, and interpretation (versus hard core facts), it’s not a matter of right or wrong. It’s merely a matter of different. Different didn’t equate to being right (good) or wrong (bad). Different just equaled different.

This very revelation changed the way I engaged with others. In the face of debate (or even casual conversation), I no longer led with being insistent, adamant, and unrelenting. Instead, I first became curious. As a master of heated debate (from 0 to 60 in mere seconds), I stepped back and became curious, exploratory, and inquisitive. I started asking questions instead of making bold, determined statements. (Instead of declaring, “People don’t respond well to merely being paid more if there’s not recognition,” I asked, “In what ways will money, by itself and without recognition, improve morale?” And, I asked with the appropriate tone of curiosity instead of one of self-righteousness!)

Being curious and inquisitive in this sense doesn’t mean you should become a timid soul with no opinion and then recoil at the very thought of debate. It means that if you understand the what, how, and why of your position and of the other person’s position, you pave the way for the following to surface:

1. You may or may not gain new insight that influences your own opinion or perspective. But, either way, it’s worth exploring.
2. You may find that you have more agreement and common ground than you expected or realized (such as you may have agreement on expected outcomes, but not on execution, or vice versa).
3. You better understand the other person’s perspective, and this best positions you to make your case (influence others).

In our discussion on negotiations (Chapter 5), we are explicit that the goal is to create a win–win outcome, not win–lose or lose–lose. A similar goal is true with debate. You want to create a win–win even in the midst of a polarized debate. It shouldn’t be a zero-sum game, where another’s losses create your gain. That is ultimately a lose–lose proposition.

How does the effectiveness and finesse of debate come into play in business versus social situations? The key distinguishing factors include:

• You will have to continue to work with these people and play nice in the future.
• You may not own the decision in any case, but merely be a stakeholder or advisor.
• Even when unequivocally correct, you don’t want to embarrass or hurt anyone because others may be intimidated by your actions in the future (or seek retribution).
• If you’re in a genuine team environment, everyone wins or loses together, so trying to win a debate at someone else’s expense ultimately hurts you anyway.
• Leadership qualities are usually evaluated based on gaining consensus and commitment and not by body count on the roadside.

No one can win-win them all. How do you know “when to hold them and when to fold them?” We’re not talking about bluffing, as in a card game. Instead it’s recognizing:

• You know you have a great hand and you’re going all in. You’re confident you can influence others.
• You appear to have a playable hand, but you’re not sure how it compares. This will make you tentative in presenting your position. (Revisit steps 1 to 4 discussed earlier.)
• You realize don’t have a great hand. Your position isn’t as strong or worthy as you thought it was coming into the debate. By asking questions and understanding the other person’s position, you voluntarily alter your position. Don’t view that as losing or being defeated. You are ultimately still creating the win–win.

As in all such vital interactions, the language you choose will make the difference.

The Metaphoric Question

“If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a metaphor is worth a thousand pictures.” A metaphor paints a picture and tells a story by using a few key descriptive words in one short sentence. Metaphors are a figure of speech. They’re not merely a literary technique used solely by creative writers, poets, or novelists. They are a powerful tool to incorporate into your everyday communications.

Why use metaphors? What’s the value for you and your audience? Metaphors uniquely position you to:

• Engage and intrigue your audience.
• Use figurative language to express literal meaning.
• Speak visually by creating vivid images for your audience to see things from a new perspective.
• Make the unfamiliar familiar.
• Make the controversial more palatable.
• Make the complex simple to understand.
• Fast-track your audience’s comprehension.
• Turn boring verbiage into significant messaging.
• Create messaging that is more personable, memorable, and powerfully persuasive for your audience.

In essence, metaphors are the secret decoder ring in communications. They let your audience easily decipher your message. One of my favorite metaphors is the oxygen mask imperative. Airlines tell millions of people daily to put their own oxygen masks on first before trying to help others. In other words, you have to help yourself first. The same applies to personal health, well-being, safety, and success.

The following are other examples of common metaphors related to the mind and memory:

• Her mind is a steel trap. Absolutely nothing escapes.
• His brain is a sieve, allowing the smallest particles of pertinent information to seep out.

In each of these examples, the person’s mind is figuratively described as something it cannot be literally (steel trap, sieve, oxygen mask). This figurative descriptor paints the picture of the meaning for your audience.

Simile is a type of metaphor, as it’s also a figure of speech using comparisons. Where metaphor makes the direct connection (suggesting the two subjects are equal), simile is more of an associated meaning by comparing similarities. A simile makes the comparisons using the words like or as (versus a metaphor that uses is). Staying with our mind–brain theme, here are examples of similes:

• My brain is like the overflowing apartment of a habitual hoarder. It’s clogged with unorganized piles of useless information that get in the way of me being able to quickly access vital information.
• His recall is like a solid-state drive on a brand new computer. It’s instantaneous with no lag or delay.

Descriptions and comparisons stated as metaphors and similes are an essential tool in effective communications.

Idioms are another form of figure of speech known as figurative expressions. They are expressions used so often that they have become commonplace and are often times considered to be clichés. Because of their common use, the intended meaning is easily translated from the figurative expression. Examples of common idioms:

• It’s raining cats and dogs. (It’s raining especially hard.)
• He has his head in the sand. (He’s not acknowledging what’s happening or he’s in denial.)
• She’s under the weather. (She’s not feeling well.)
• If we play our cards right … (If we make the right choices …)
• At the end of the day … (Focusing on the end result …)
• We see eye to eye. (We’re in agreement.)
• The difference is like night and day. (The difference is obvious.)

Idioms in business run rampant. Because idioms are oftentimes commonly known expressions, they are no longer unique. They may not have the impact and value of original metaphors and similes with your audience, but this doesn’t mean they shouldn’t ever be used. They do have their place in language. It’s merely pointing out that idioms will not have the profound effect on your audience as a well-crafted metaphor or simile.

No discussion on figurative language would be complete without referencing litotes. The term may not be familiar, but litotes are ubiquitous. Often recognized as a literary double negative, it’s known as a rhetorical litotes. While double negatives can sometimes be confusing, a true litote is usually well understood. Examples of litotes:

• It’s not bad at all.
• You’re not wrong.
• He’s no dummy.
• This is no minor matter.
• I do not disagree.
• You won’t be sorry.

As you can see, litotes are intended to emphasize the actual message through the emphasis of a negative (stating what it is not). They catch people’s attention because they may not be immediately understood. Your audience may need to take a split second or two to decipher the true meaning of your message.

Where it may be effective messaging, you need to be cautious in the use of litotes. Your message can be interpreted as downplaying a positive, as though you’re not willing to give full credit where credit is due and it then comes across as a minimal or a backhanded acknowledgment. It can also be misinterpreted as being inappropriately sarcastic. So, use your litotes wisely. (She’s not a bad leader may not be one you want to use.)

When it comes to figurative language, the great thing about creating metaphors and similes is, short of following the appropriate structure, there’s no right or wrong to formulating a metaphoric statement. Here are your practice steps:

1. Select your subject or object, the essence of your message.
2. Brainstorm and identify the characteristics of your subject.
3. Look all around you (literally and figuratively!). What resonates with the characteristics of your subject?
4. Use the following format:

Metaphor: X is a …

Simile: X is like …

To show that there can be a variety of comparatives for the same subject, consider the following examples:

1. Our sales performance is like a pendulum constantly swinging back and forth from peak performance, through downturns, and back up again. (Simile)
2. This year’s sales growth has been like riding a rocket shot into space. (Simile)
3. The current sales cycle is a roller coaster in action. As we expected, it’s been up, down, fast, slow. It’s been fun and it’s been scary. (Metaphor)
4. Last year, our sales team was not only on the super highway, but they were also in the fast lane going at maximum speed while avoiding all delays and detours. (Metaphor)

Tip: Use the essence of metaphoric language in formal presentations. For presentations using visuals (such as PowerPoint, Keynote, or handouts), use pictures to capture and reinforce the essence of your metaphoric message and talk to the relevance of that picture. We’re not talking about traditional (and often times boring) spreadsheet and pie chart-type visuals. Instead, for our four examples above, show and speak to a picture of a pendulum, a rocket, a roller coaster, or the fast lane of a super highway, all of which are more effective and longer lasting than the ad nauseam bulleted items of verbiage on page after page after page.

Creating Your Own Reality

Perception is reality.

There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception.

—Aldous Huxley

The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.

—Robertson Davies, Tempest-Tost

In Chapter 3, we explored perceptions, honesty, truth, and empirical evidence. Ideally, in your role as a leader, you seek empirical evidence to determine truth. However, you are interacting in the world around you where people operate under the fundamental premise of my perception is my reality. What they hear and see is filtered through their own values, beliefs, and experiences, which then creates their own version of their truth (their perception).

To that point, your role is to also influence those very perceptions. Often, it’s up to you to actually distort others’ perceptions of reality in order for all to be successful. (Keeping in mind, of course, that your mission to distort reality is for good, not for evil!)

Steve Jobs was well known as the genius and master of this influence, which is known as the Reality Distortion Field (RDF). If RDF sounds like something from Star Trek, it’s because that’s exactly where it originated. In the original pilot episode, aliens use the RDF to create their own new world through sheer mental force.

There are many stories as to how Jobs acquired RDF (the skill set and the label). However, those who were in his immediate atmosphere of influence are consistent in their views of his mastery of the concept and the power of it. These quotes, from those who worked closely with and knew Jobs well, best describe his ability to create reality distortion (quotes from Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson, 2011):

• “In his presence, reality is malleable. He can convince anyone of practically anything. It wears off when he’s not around, but it makes it hard to have realistic schedules.”* (Bud Tribble, credited with labeling Jobs with RDF in 1981)
• “If you trust him, you can do things.” “If he’s decided that something should happen, then he’s just going to make it happen.” “And the effect was contagious.” (Elizabeth Holmes)
• “The reality distortion field was empowering. It’s enabled Jobs to inspire his team to change the course of computer history with a fraction of the resources of Xerox or IBM. It was a self-fulfilling distortion. You did the impossible, because you didn’t realize it was impossible.”(Debi Coleman)
• “The reality distortion field was a confounding mélange of a charismatic rhetorical style, indomitable will, and eagerness to bend any fact to fit the purpose at hand.” (Andy Hertzfeld)

In Jobs’ own words, he identified with a line from Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass, in which he related to RDF. After Alice laments that no matter how hard she tries she can’t believe in impossible things, the White Queen retorts “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

Not all is positive with reality distortion. The other side of coin includes these drawbacks of reality distortion as utilized by Jobs:

• What he says today may not be what he says tomorrow. He was famous for changing his mind without warning.
• He was known for disagreeing with someone’s idea today and coming back at a later time and posing it as his new great idea.
• After adamantly disagreeing, he would suddenly (without warning) agree and adopt that very position as his own, without explicitly acknowledging his change of mind.
• He believed himself to be infallible.

Jobs was known for behavior of extreme polarities. Some may say this behavior had nothing to do with reality distortion, it was just Jobs’s personality. But, in fact, the polarities are extremes of the good, the bad, and the ugly of reality distortion.

The reality is … reality distortion can be a double-edged sword. How do you maximize the positive effects and minimize the negative effects?

• See the possibility in the impossible. As a visionary and strategic thinker, you must see what’s feasible beyond what others see as the impossible. Realize that you should be working with a telescope, not a microscope.
• Be realistic in your distortion. It’s not a matter of creating artificial expectations just to get people to work harder, faster, and more. It’s creating expectations that others can actually reach, even though they may not see or realize that at the time.
• Believe what you profess. You can’t disrupt reality if you are viewed as the talking head, merely being the good soldier and carrying out the orders and directives of someone else. People will perceive you are not truly on board and that perception will be their reality.
• Be a constant and consistent force in creating the new reality. The less present you are, the more the motivating impact of reality distortion wears off or fades (as noted in the preceding quotes about Jobs). You can’t afford to drive a future stake in the ground and expect everyone to successfully get there on their own. Remember, even if they trust you, they will not have the certainty you have.
• Provide people the resources to do the impossible. Don’t expect people to believe and rise to the occasion if they don’t have access to the right tools and resources to be successful.
• Create incremental successes. Do your part to monitor and audit progress toward result at a level appropriate to your role as a leader.
• Hold everyone (including yourself) accountable. Stay on a success path. Celebrate progress and implement real-time path corrections when needed.

The magic of reality distortion is this: When individuals and teams successfully achieve what they thought was impossible, they have a new perception of reality. They may never proactively see the same reality you see as early as you see it. But, they learn to appreciate your ability as a visionary and strategic leader. They start to believe and trust that with your leadership the impossible can be possible.

Create your language with the idea in mind of influencing others toward your intended reality, not some fait accompli left by others’ perceptions. As examples of reality distortion, good and bad, bear in mind these hyped and incredibly repeated phrases that influence the behavior of voters, legislators, members, donors, media representatives, investors, and similar key stakeholders:

• War on women
• Weapons of mass destruction
• Kardashians
• Paying forward
• Date rape
• Just say no
• War on drugs
• Quarterly profits
• Eco-terrorism
• Climate deniers
• Crowd sourcing

You get the idea. Powerful people create powerful distortion fields in their favor.

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