4

STRETCHING CRITICAL MOMENTS

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.

—Anaïs Nin

So far you’ve read a lot about identifying moments in which we practice new habits that lead to remarkable results. But what if the moment itself can be expanded?

Extreme athletes and other peak performers do this all the time. They have learned to stretch critical moments, to see options and grab them in the heat of a conflict or crisis. Instead of pushing away fear during critical turning points, they embrace it.

Sometimes this skill is the difference between life and death. Mountain climber Sir Edmund Hillary, the first Western person to summit Mount Everest, noted this when he said, “The feeling of fear, as long as you can take advantage of it and not be rendered useless by it, can make you extend yourself beyond what you would regard as your capacity. If you’re afraid, the blood seems to flow freely through the veins, and you really do feel a sense of stimulation.”

It may not be Everest, but we’re all climbing something. For most of us, stretching critical moments will help us think better on our feet. To say the right thing at the right time. To stand up for principle and speak up for what we need.

When your concentration is so intense that there is no room for fear, you find more of what you most need to meet the challenge at hand. Some people call this experience “flow,” or you may have thought of it as “being in a zone.”

You can’t make a minute longer than 60 seconds, but you can make those increments of time bend.

Trade Scarcity for Opportunity

A breakthrough doesn’t have to be a four-minute mile. It can be starting your own business. It can be asking for and getting a promotion. It can be starting an exercise regimen. Your breakthrough is what you have not done before, and it’s an opportunity that you are striving for.

Breakthroughs are called that because we recognize a limit that has been set and accepted, creating a psychological barrier to going further. You’re going to have to push through your fear to get there.

A lot of that fear is about not having enough of what you need to get to your opportunity. In the small moments of pursuing your breakthrough, there is so much room for fear. It can be paralyzing.

But accepting scarcity and mindfully trading it for opportunity produces absolutely remarkable results. It is a key trade that stretches critical moments. Here’s a great example of what I mean.

How did illusionist and “endurance artist” David Blaine hold his breath underwater for more than 17 minutes?

In Blaine’s case, the scarcity was oxygen. The opportunity was to connect with a national TV audience. Their attention was glued to the water tank on Oprah Winfrey’s TV show; once Blaine submerged, the moments stretched out like hours. Success was possible only through fearlessness.

Underwater, Blaine leaned on his mental resources to stay still and slow his heart rate. He had undergone an intense physical conditioning regimen leading up to the attempt, but controlling his body depended on powerful mindfulness and relaxation techniques. Facing oxygen deprivation, he pushed his physical limits by stretching his thinking, moment by moment.

“I had to remain perfectly still and just relax and think that I wasn’t in my body, and just control that,” Blaine said later. His mantra was to “just hold and relax through all the pain.”¹

Like you probably, I have no intention to see how long I can hold my breath underwater. But I do have plans and dreams, hopes and desires to push past what I have accomplished.

______

SCARCITY CONFRONTED ME every day I worked as a sports agent. There were far more agents than there were coaches and athletes who needed representation. Coaches were under pressure to win in a very short period. They needed an agent to maximize their security—financial and otherwise—so they could focus on making the most of the opportunity to lead. Colleges staked their athletic reputations on their high-profile coaches, whose success depended on the chemistry and confidence of athletes not even old enough to rent a car.

Professional athletes had an even smaller window. They typically faced a very short period in which they could leverage their skills and peak performance for the maximum return. For every Hall of Fame veteran like John Smoltz, there were dozens of flameouts.

Scarcity was a natural driver in that environment, and it created a culture in which people did not share information and felt threatened by competition—a culture of fear.

As I learned to thrive in scarcity, I recognized that something big was missing. Sometimes I would see an athlete leave money on the table because he was loyal to his manager or wanted to stay in his community. I began to realize that these performers had moved beyond scarcity thinking to abundance and opportunity. Their sense of purpose expanded what was possible. Scarcity turned into opportunity because they consciously made it so.

When I chose to move from that ultracompetitive arena to become a speaker, author, and business owner, I learned that scarcity remains a driver in this world too. Every time I speak, I learn more about the power of stretching the critical moments that I have to connect with my audience. Time is precious, and when a company gives me an hour of its employees’ time, that is a huge opportunity to share an important message.

I want to inject every morsel of time with my best effort and spirit, to motivate and inspire listeners to tackle purposeful behavioral changes. My best speaking comes from embodying what can be, not what isn’t. When I can do that, my critical moments on stage stretch. I’m in the flow of my talk.

The biggest takeaway for me from Blaine’s story is about the magical experience of achieving these big breakthroughs—to inhabit opportunity, not be shackled by scarcity.

It’s not luck. It’s about a lot of small moments in which we practice our concentration. These small moments of expanding time prepare us for surpassing our limits.

“It’s practice, it’s training and experimenting, while pushing through the pain to be the best that I can be,” Blaine has said. “And that’s what magic is to me.”

Trade Urgency for Simplicity

There is nothing so strong or safe in an emergency of life
as the simple truth.

—Charles Dickens

The greatest athletes are beautiful to watch because they summon their best abilities at the absolutely necessary moment. Sports fans remember where we were when we saw moments of sheer excellence. These experiences linger in our consciousness because of the high stakes, thrill, and surprise.

Often the athletes seem to be operating in a different world, almost effortlessly, despite being in the midst of an urgent, stressful situation. It’s similar to a surgeon handling a tricky procedure, someone defusing a bomb, or a first responder acting in a crisis.

Or astronauts. There’s not much margin for error when you’re in space, and NASA is rightfully proud of the resourcefulness that its crews have shown in dealing with urgent crises in orbit. When Apollo 17’s lunar rover lost a fender, the mission was saved by duct-taping laminated maps. When the International Space Station had a malfunction, the crew used a toothbrush to clean the problem part.² This fearlessness in the face of grave danger is a learned behavior. High achievers are inhabiting an optimal consciousness that allows them to relax and perform at their highest capacity.

This is the “state of flow.” Here is one description from Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the University of Chicago psychologist who coined the term:

Regardless of the culture, regardless of education or whatever, there are these seven conditions that seem to be there when a person is in flow: There’s this focus that, once it becomes intense, leads to a sense of ecstasy, a sense of clarity: you know exactly what you want to do from one moment to the other; you get immediate feedback. You know that what you need to do is possible to do, even though difficult, and your sense of time disappears, you forget yourself, you feel part of something larger. And once the conditions are present, what you are doing becomes worth doing for its own sake.³

In state of a flow, time as we know it disappears. Research has shown that flow is achieved through and marked by the following:

•   Clear goals

•   Concentration

•   A loss of feeling of self-consciousness

•   Direct and immediate feedback

•   Balance between ability and challenge

•   A sense of personal control

•   Intrinsic reward

•   Lack of awareness of bodily needs⁴

Perhaps most of all, flow is the absorption in the activity and nothing else. Your focus is utter simplicity. There is no stress, anxiety, or urgency.

“Simple can be harder than complex,” Steve Jobs said. “You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains.”

______

URGENCY ROBS TIME and energy from the essential steps on our way to realizing our purpose. Trading urgency for simplicity also means stepping back to focus on your fundamental needs. Can you trade a long laundry list of accomplishments that probably matter more to other people to embrace a few select achievements that have real meaning and significance to you? Think about the last time you gave in to a request because it seemed urgent, and you agreed to take on a time-consuming task. What did you have to give up (time and more) to fulfill this promise? When you consider this cost, it is easier to say no in the future and trade urgency for simplicity.

Simple rituals (mine revolve around staying physical active) are habits that counteract the fear of missing something that is urgent. I’ve learned to embrace the three core truths that author Greg McKeown describes in his book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less: (1) I choose. (2) Only a few things really matter. (3) I can do anything—but not everything.⁵

Getting off the hamster wheel of urgency can take fearlessness. You think you are going to miss something. Part of your ego resists. But what you gain is huge. Ask yourself this simple question: “Is this task essential to my purpose?”⁶

This is an example of how a mission statement is an excellent shield and filter for preserving your time and energy. This pivot from the urgent to the simple will give you control and build your momentum toward greater fearlessness.

We live in small moments in which an automatic yes or no can commit you to a path you don’t want. When we fail to focus, we let other people choose for us, and that’s a detour from what is most meaningful to us. Stretch your critical moments of decision and action by trading urgency for simplicity.

Simplicity and focus help me fearlessly stay on track. They are powerful responses to the tyranny of the urgent.

Trade Assuming for Inquiring

Never cease to stand like curious children
before the great mystery into which we were born.

—Albert Einstein

Before a keynote speech, a speaker will get clear on messaging with the leadership of the company whose employees will be in the audience. These preliminary conversations have made a big impression on me because they have enabled me to get inside the heads and hearts of the C-level executives and their teams. The true influencers are sponges for personal growth and learning. They are unafraid to put themselves in the role of a student. They are fear-less about any discomfort that may come from a lack of knowledge or information, and they have no problem admitting ignorance. They choose vulnerability because that’s the path to growth. They epitomize poet Robert Frost’s definition of education: “the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or self-confidence.”

This habit stretches critical moments because by nature we are quick to respond to perceived threats. Quick reflexes are the way a species preserves itself. Although the decision to fight or flee can save a life, we seldom face that kind of threat. But our brains are still wired to react that way.

When we decide reactively and not thoughtfully, we are much more likely to be making split-second assumptions about the situation. As an agent, I saw the perils of making such assumptions almost every time a financial planner met with my clients. It wasn’t uncommon for an athlete to have, for example, a dad who worked in a shoe store and a mom who juggled three jobs. Was it the celebrity aura that made the planners rush through fancy wealth and investment options? It amazed me that none ever asked my clients about their personal financial goals. They might have discovered that the guy simply wanted his investments to help his parents stop working. Don’t assume. Ask!

When we perceive that we have more time to make a decision or take action, we buy ourselves a greater chance of seeing more options, possibilities, and angles. Creativity is more likely to flourish. There’s more of a chance to live your new story and distance yourself from the old one that wasn’t working for you. For all these reasons, stretching critical moments is so important.

Often we make assumptions because it is easier and less scary than inquiring. What will people think if I ask? When I was 24, I learned the power of trading assuming for inquiring. I was very early in my career as a sports agent, and I needed to replace my little Honda Accord. It had served me well during college and in Atlanta, but it was time to replace it. I wanted a car that was better, which was at odds with my paycheck and budget. Most people in this situation would assume that a nicer car just wasn’t possible.

But I knew there was another mindset because I was seeing it demonstrated by veteran agents. The best were rarely defensive, and they were impressively curious about making a deal as favorable as possible. They assumed nothing. They constantly made inquiries, especially as the stakes rose in negotiations.

Recognizing that the purchase of a new car was a major event for me, I wanted to stretch out my process and get the best deal. I didn’t want to assume I couldn’t have a better car than my budget suggested.

A client, Ray Goff, was the football coach at the University of Georgia, and in small talk I mentioned that I was trying to sell my car. His ears perked up. The car’s value was about $8,000. “I’ll give you $9,000,” he said. Huh?

“You’re doing a lot of things right and really getting after it for me,” he explained of my performance as an agent. “In fact, I don’t even need that car for a few months. Why don’t you keep driving it, and I’ll go ahead and pay you for it now so you can buy your next car before you hand over the Honda?”

It was a huge break that would not have been possible without letting go of my assumptions about my car prospects. I drove the car as I looked for the best deal, and I stayed inquisitive.

Our top clients often signed deals with local dealerships to get a car for free in exchange for appearances or speeches. I knew these cars often were turned back in by the talent with a few thousand miles on them and then sold off the lot. Bobby Cremins, the head basketball coach at Georgia Tech, had been driving a small Mercedes, the least expensive model. I knew he was upgrading his car and was about to turn it in, so I called the dealership and made a deal to buy it for $8,500. There had been no big windfall or salary increase, just my staying patient and questioning. And I did not assume that the best I could do was what conventional wisdom dictated. Rarely is that true.

Giving up my assumptions led to one generous act after another. When we inquire, we move past fear to find the truth that exists beyond what we can see.

Trade Complacency for Ingenuity

“Impossible” is just a big word thrown around by small men
who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given
than to explore the power they have to change it.

—Muhammad Ali

People who are happy with the way things are have less interest in fearlessness. Life is laid out for them in a seemingly straight line, and all they need to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Are you stuck in a status quo like that?

When we fail to question the expectations that we mindlessly follow, we end up in a dead end of complacency where fear can fester. We’re so used to doing the same old, same old. But what if we change, and there’s no security for us right away? What if we fail? What if … ?

When you’re hungry for something more and better in your life, when you know that your purpose has not been achieved, shaking things up is necessary. This is when you benefit by identifying small moments of complacency and figuring out ways to leverage them. This is the stretching of the moment.

Today I laugh when I think about how my parents modeled this kind of thinking. As a teenage driver, I was backing the family station wagon out of our long driveway. A row of tall thick bushes hugged one side, and I reversed too quickly. A branch caught the passenger side mirror, and I heard the awful sound of metal separating. The mirror dangled by wires as I pulled into the school parking lot.

I knew it wasn’t good, and it wasn’t going to be better when Dad got involved. He wasn’t going to settle for the normal repair at a body shop. I didn’t have the money to get it fixed, but he had a creative answer in mind. He wanted to address the problem and send a message.

By the time Dad was done, his roll of duct tape was half its original thickness. The mirror was held in place by the silver gray sticky stuff. It was “fixed,” but it sure looked like a mess. It was almost as bad, maybe worse, than leaving it dangling. His message to me: it works now.

Complacency says there is no better way. Ingenuity says there’s got to be one. Trade the first for the second, and watch how fearlessness thrives.

My own complacency shocked me after the publication of my previous book, A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done. The book covers five tools of negotiation, and after a keynote I gave, an audience member took me to task. “You missed one!” she said. And she was right. I had not emphasized ingenuity enough in negotiations.

In deal making, you always pay more when you are complacent. You succeed by being creative. Keeping an open mind is also a fundamental behavior of fearless people, not just those who are negotiators.

Success can breed complacency. It’s harder to keep pushing when you’re ahead. Legendary football coach Nick Saban uses four words to keep striving for his greatest potential. He reminds himself, “You have never arrived.”