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REPROGRAMMING YOUR DEFAULT SETTINGS

Do one thing every day that scares you.

—Eleanor Roosevelt

Some habits are so natural to us that we do not even recognize them as something we can change. But to fear less, you must take a serious inventory of your patterns of thinking and acting in the small moments of life. Fearlessness becomes fundamental and second nature to us when we reprogram these default settings.

The trades in this chapter create behavioral changes that are particularly important if you want to break out of your current situation. Magical thinking says that you can white-knuckle your way past fear to a new mindset, but in truth, we change our way of thinking about ourselves one small moment at a time. It is not a sudden movement from white to black but rather a gradual movement through gray—from fear, to fearing less, to fearless living.

Change doesn’t happen overnight. A drip of actions and decisions brought us to where we are today, and now that stream needs to be diverted in a new, more positive direction. Here are steps that will instill greater fearlessness by resetting your typical reactions.

Trade Agreement for Authority

Saying yes is one of the easiest things we do, and many of us do it without thinking. That’s why I think of agreement as one of our default settings.

We say yes without intentionality or a closer look at our values. We say yes because others expect us to say yes. This automatic passivity imposes a huge cost in time and energy. Saying yes because it can be hard and even scary to say no is abdicating control of our life to others.

When we break that cycle, we move toward greater authority and power. Yes, some of us are afraid of actually taking responsibility for our decisions; that’s where the automatic yeses often come from. I really encourage you to take an inventory of all the times you agree by default because even if you decide to continue to say yes automatically, you’ve become more intentional about your small moments, and that’s a good step toward awareness.

Let me take you to a place where agreement is often demonstrated. It’s any boutique with decent customer service. (I say “decent” because this trade is at the heart of turning decent into great.)

Say you’re trying on an outfit. You’ve entered into a delicate triangle between what you feel you look like, what the mirror says, and what the sales clerk thinks. I used to think that there was nothing better than a clerk who told me I looked great. That’s what I thought I wanted to hear. Then I discovered how valuable it was for a clerk to push back. “That one doesn’t help you, and here’s why” is a good way to establish authority and trust.

Saying no can be hard. What I am suggesting is that sprinkling nos in with your yeses will create greater trust with the people closest to you. Yes all the time is the answer from a doormat. A thoughtful no establishes a boundary of who you are, what you are good at (and not), what you want and don’t want. Your default setting doesn’t have to be yes!

As a sports agent, I gained confidence with this mindset. I saw how agreement would get me in trouble because it was at odds with my desire for authenticity. It put me in the position of promising more than I could deliver. If there was a place I could add value to a client, I would. There were prospects I tried to recruit whose agents were doing a really great job, and I had to admit, “Gosh, you’ve got a good agent on your side.”

I competed against sports agents who were willing to compromise their relationships with teams and clients on a regular basis. I was not.

We would get our clients’ market value, definitely, but we would do all we could not to compromise relationships. I promised that my client service would be more personal and attentive and that they would be happy in a way that they probably had not imagined. People who have stayed only in a Holiday Inn have no idea what the Ritz-Carlton is like. That was where my niche was, and my confidence and authority.

By exercising authority over agreement, I feared less and believed in myself more. My clients and prospects understood that I was a full-service agent who believed in really connecting with them, who was curious about how to make their worlds better. I wanted to make sure their families were taken care of when a trade happened, that they were not overloaded with off-the-field obligations, and that we prepared them for their post-career.

I would tell them that 10 percent of what I did was negotiating their contracts; the other 90 percent was managing their careers. “But my commitment to you,” I would say, “is that I’ll be one of the few people in your life that you can count on to tell you the truth and not kiss your ass.”

This mindset might seem scary if you are used to saying yes. Saying yes is what we think others want to hear, and only after the fact do we realize the true cost of consent.

No is one little word that can bring health, abundance, and happiness. It is a word that sets a boundary between who you are and who others want you to be.

Be careful when saying yes, and don’t forget to consider no for its power to build authority. It will also affirm your potential. No is an expression of faith that protects your time, talent, and resources for your highest purpose.

You may need permission to say no. So here it is. Try it. Start in the small moments. Trading agreement for authority is a path to fearlessness.

Trade Avoidance for Straight Talk

Very few of us relish tough conversations. We’d much rather avoid confrontation. In fact, our default setting is “Don’t rock the boat.” We think we are escaping tension this way, but that’s just fear talking. To fear less, we need to identify those small moments of avoidance and replace them by embracing straight talk. That’s where growth is.

Is there any tougher conversation than a breakup? No one wants to go there, but that’s exactly what straight talk is about. The breakup that taught me the importance of this trade wasn’t a romantic split. It was an athletic one, and I learned from what I failed to do.

From 13 to 16, I had a great coach, but I didn’t think she could take me or my game much further. At age 16, I wondered if maybe I was getting a little stagnant. Did I need new energy and insights? I wanted to take it to another level, and I didn’t think my coach had what I needed. She had become robotic in her workouts with me—too routine.

A couple of other good players were working with a different coach. The thought of scheduling a private lesson with him filled me with fear. And guilt that I was doing something really wrong. I felt really bad. I was overwhelmed, worried about how I would do with the new coach and worried about how my current coach would feel if I went to the new coach. I didn’t want my current coach to think I wasn’t grateful. I simply wasn’t mature enough to deal with the situation, so I avoided it.

Eventually I just switched coaches without saying much at all to my former coach. I told myself it was the right decision, and in terms of my tennis game, it was. The new coach changed some aspects of my game and positioned me well to play on a Division I college team.

But I still saw my old coach all the time at the tennis facility. We were still friendly, and we remain connected today. She probably understood on some level that very few teenagers would have had the conversation I regret not having with her.

If I could turn back time, I would have leaned into the discomfort and said what needed to be said: “I can’t thank you enough for all you have done for me, but I believe [the new coach] can take me to the next level. It’s a more competitive program, and this is the right move for me.”

Pushing through the conflict leads to understanding. What I missed out on with my old tennis coach was closure and a chance to become more mature. In retrospect, I know now that I could have chosen to have an honest and frank conversation with her. My default did not have to be avoidance.

This understanding helped me build trust with my clients. I would hear from one of my PGA Tour golfers who was pretty far down on the money list that he had just played a practice round with a guy who was ranked in the top 25. My client would tell me about the 600 grand this other guy was making off the course with endorsement deals, and exclusive outings and so on. I would listen, and I knew what he wanted to hear from me. I could avoid straight talk, but instead I embraced it.

“You’re right,” I would say gently. “And he is tenth on the money list, and you are not—yet.”

In the short term, it wasn’t the answer that my client wanted to hear, but it was the truth delivered with clarity. Straight talk is the truth expressed in the small moments. In the long run, this habit helps people trust you. You’re not going to simply tell them what they want to hear. You’re going to be honest with them.

Choosing straight talk instead of avoidance is the only path to true clarity in a relationship. In my twenties, I met a guy who seemed perfect for me, and I for him. After six months of dating, we got engaged. I felt sure he was The One. When he proposed, saying yes seemed like the only answer.

I was thrilled for my fiancé to meet my parents and brothers. When we visited at Thanksgiving, my family was excited for me. My mom was looking forward to planning her only daughter’s wedding.

But in the context of my family, I noticed things that I hadn’t before. My fiancé didn’t seem all that comfortable. We were playful, and he was serious. I could see friction brewing.

His interpretation of some of our shared values wasn’t in keeping with mine. I blended some old-fashioned traditions with independence. He saw his wife as more dependent on him. We were starting out in a complicated situation; how would it be when we added a mortgage and children to the mix?

Of course, this decision was far more complicated than my tennis coach decision. But I had learned the cost of avoidance. I recognized that tension came from fear of displeasing those close to me. I called my family for support, and they gave it. As hard as that conversation was, I broke off the engagement.

This straight talk with my fiancé ultimately opened other possibilities. Years later I met the man who would become my husband, and I was sure this time. We have both valued simplicity and interdependence as we have created a comfortable home, raised children, and provided mutual support.

When we know who we are, we can program our default settings to react authentically and make the wisest decisions. So what if avoidance is our natural instinct? We can choose straight talk. This trade expresses our truest selves and achieves clarity with those closest to us.

Trade Inertia for Repetition

What do you do when the bottom falls out? When something that is essential to your success, and usually almost effortless for you to accomplish, suddenly becomes uncertain?

For me, that happened when I was a sophomore in college on the tennis court. I completely lost my serve. Talk about fear. I wondered if it would ever come back. And if it didn’t, my tennis career was over.

Nothing was wrong with my arm or body or hand-eye coordination. It was totally mental. My default setting for a successful serve had suddenly gone haywire.

I ended up seeing a sports psychologist, who gave me a key practice drill. I got back on the court and repeated my serve, over and over. Each time, I pretended it was 5-all in the third set. It was do or die in my mind every time I served.

Over and over and over, I practiced my serve. I hated the helplessness that I had been feeling, and I was driven to succeed again. I knew I had to keep moving, and the psychologist had shown me how. With each serve, I refined a small moment in anticipation of a big outcome, and soon the fearlessness that I had rehearsed became my reality. Because I made the mental scenario so pressure packed, my practice became the best rehearsal for the real thing. When my serve started to come back, so did my confidence that I could perform when it was most needed. The psychologist had given me mind games that worked to take me out of my rut.

That repetition helped prepare me for those inevitable moments during a match when my arm would tighten and remind me of my fear that my serve would break down again. I couldn’t erase that fear entirely. I could, however, lean into the knowledge that I had already practiced, thousands of times, serving for the entire match.

Repetition of success is what peak performers practice. A great football team is going to put its kicker on the line in a simulated two-second drill against its biggest rival. With the pretend game on the line, if the kicker misses, the entire team has to run laps. That’s pressure. The team might do this drill 10 times in a row. That’s 10 times the pressure.

The practice of high-pressure simulations is the best prevention against choking. When the real thing happens, you know that you have been there many times before and delivered. When you know that, your default setting is self-confidence, not fear.

Losing my serve led to a series of small moments and big impact. By meeting the sports psychologist, I entered a world that had long fascinated me. The mental side of peak perfor-mance had intrigued me ever since my dad, a pharmaceutical sales rep, brought home motivational books such as Swim with the Sharks: Without Being Eaten Alive and Outsell, Outmanage, Outmotivate, and Outnegotiate Your Competition. He read and listened to authors such as Brian Tracy and Zig Ziglar. That interested me even though I didn’t exactly know what I was passionate about beyond tennis.

The sports psychologist helped me see what it meant to personally apply the principles that motivational speakers and authors teach. And when my serve came back even better, I knew that these weren’t just words, but truth. When I changed my thinking for the better, my performance improved dramatically. I was a very happy customer who never forgot how special this was. As I pushed myself into even more competitive fields beyond college tennis, I relied on a core belief from these mentors—that everyone is destined to do something really great. Including you.

Don’t sell yourself short because you are fearful of risk. Don’t remain in mediocrity when you know you can do better. If you are experiencing inertia, break through with mental repetition of success. By practicing peak performance in simulations, you are conditioning your mind to expect success and programming your body to deliver those results. Getting unstuck isn’t easy, and it is a goal that may well require you to develop new rituals that replace inertia with fearlessness. You can do it. Start with small moments of practice.

Trade Instant Success for Seasoning

In observing phenomenal young athletes, I love how they seem to lack any fear. It’s as if they haven’t learned to be afraid yet or to consider the possibility of failure or what it would take to change course when their rocket ride to success ends.

What makes some of these phenomenal athletes last while others burn out? I believe it is strong character that is seasoned through a range of experiences. Stamina comes from identifying what you need to perform at your peak and thriving through the inevitable ups and downs. This is not easy under a bright spotlight.

Before she played in the 2003 U.S. Women’s Open, when an interviewer asked 13-year-old golfer Michelle Wie about burnout, she replied, “I guess I don’t really fear it. I guess if I do get burned out, I’ll go to college, and at least I have a chance to do something else. I’m not really afraid of it because I don’t think—I don’t want golf to be my whole life for like the rest of my life. I just want to do something else, just like play another sport, because golf is just another game. If I want to take it to the highest level, I have to be committed. I don’t want to get burned out, but even if I do, I’ll have something else to do.”¹

Fast-forward to 2016. At 26, Wie was battling injuries to her hip, knee, and ankle, as well as mental obstacles. In her first nine events of 2016, her best finish was a tie for twenty-fifth place. “It’s more a mental thing with Michelle now rather than physical,” her instructor David Leadbetter said. “She has to come to terms with what she wants to do, what she wants to achieve, and how she wants to achieve it.”²

Stories like this show us that commitment to a process is important for long-term success. Although instant success is fantastic at the time, it’s important to recognize it as a small moment in terms of long-term success. It is just one chapter in a longer story.

Wie has put it this way: “Those wrong decisions, you have to go through that. No one goes through a perfect life. And especially what I did. Especially what my parents had to go through. It was never really done before. You’re kind of experimenting. We were learning along the way.”³

Don’t be afraid to think broadly. Reconsider your heavy focus on winning now for a strategy that will season you for the long haul. When you stretch out your timeline, you eliminate the fear of the future. You are paying attention to what’s happening now in the context of where you want to go. When you experience a big outcome early, remember that it is just one moment, and keep your long-term focus.

I’m curious to see how Michelle Wie figures all of this out, especially because she is recognizing the power of fear, especially the fear of imperfection. After an off-season in which she went swimming with sharks, she said, “It’s just really cool to put myself into experiences where there’s so much fear involved, and I can overcome those fears. And that really helps me when I play golf. You know, be like, ‘I overcame that, so I can overcome this.’”⁴

Perspective is part of the balancing act of a successful career. The key word is balance. It’s knowing what you need to do now mindfully and what you need to do next. The highest achievers know the difference and can stay in the moment. It’s a bit like using different lenses on a camera to zoom in and also pan out. Don’t get stuck in a view of life in which your goals are out of focus.

We will continue to marvel at young achievers who beat the competition in the early stage of their careers. It seems like they can do no wrong. However, it’s a fast trajectory that sometimes ends in a flameout. The best know to build on early brilliance with a long-term strategy.

When we trade instant success for seasoning, we dig into the small moments that contribute to a much greater outcome. We are laying out a process for long-term success that avoids burnout.

When we see ourselves in the process of seasoning, we can view our shortcomings and disappointments from a healthier perspective. We give ourselves the gift of time and the leeway and freedom to keep trying. When we recognize that sooner doesn’t always mean better, we have reprogrammed a default setting. We fear less because we know we can keep going at a sustainable pace and embrace long-term growth and success.

Trade Ignorance for Education

When I was a sports agent, outsiders often asked me, “Why are so many athletes broke?” My answer could take a while because I had so many examples I had seen or heard about.

I crossed paths with athletes who had suffered because they had made unsecured loans. They would give people they loved $5,000, $10,000, $50,000, $100,000, or more to buy cars, pay mortgages, or start businesses.

Other athletes followed bad advice. They worked with financial advisors who were dishonest and took advantage of the athletes, who would hand over their money with no knowledge of the fees that might accrue or a clear understanding of their investments.

In our firm, we always had athletes sign documents themselves, witnessed by us or a trusted party. The athletes trusted me, so I was used to their asking, “Molly, where do I sign?” I had to remind them to read the document first and understand it. Highly paid performers focused so intensely on their skills that they did not allow much bandwidth for critical thinking—especially when money was involved.

Busy businesspeople sometimes have the same habit. Trading ignorance for trust in a third party is always a bad idea when the ultimate responsibility and outcome is on you.

Few things change the quality of our lives like our relationship with money. It’s often easier to sign something and stay ignorant of the financial consequences, which is why changing that pattern is so empowering.

Educating yourself and taking control enables you to live fearlessly. This begins learning what you need to know, especially in the small moments.

“Emotions can drive a person to do the wrong things at the wrong times with their money,” my friend Ajay Gupta, the wealth manager for speaker and author Tony Robbins, told me. “Investors who work with a fiduciary, have a financial plan, focus on low-cost liquid funds, and have a disciplined rebalancing strategy are the ones who win at building a retirement nest egg.”⁵

We make money choices to express our uncertainty. We invest when we see a stock doing well, which is when it costs more. When there’s a correction to an investment fund—and all asset classes will have corrections—we fail to react or rebalance. We don’t recognize how we are losing money. (A fee increase of 1 to 3 percent is the difference between a 100-pound jockey and a 300-pound one, Tony Robbins likes to say.)

“Fees and taxes are some of the biggest destroyers of wealth, along with emotional decisions,” Gupta said. “The people who are truly wealthy don’t do what everyone else is doing. They have their own financial plan for taking the right amount of risk and to manage their spending, and they listen to it.” In short, they are educated.

The fear is real, and so is the ignorance. That’s why this trade can make such a huge difference.

Money tops the personal anxieties measured by the Chapman University Survey of American Fears in 2015.⁶ Running out of money in the future was something that 37.4 percent of Americans considered themselves afraid or very afraid of. More specifically, a Gallup poll showed that we worry most about not having enough for retirement and not being able to pay medical costs in the event of a serious illness or accident.⁷

Worldwide, two out of three adults are financially illiterate.⁸ Even among Americans who own a credit card or finance a home, Gallup found that one-third did not correctly answer basic questions about compound interest.

It’s not easy. Like athletes with the big game on their minds, we all have deadlines and duties that compete for our attention. That is not an acceptable excuse for ignorance.

Education about finances (and this can apply to other parts of life) “changes people in ways that have nothing to do with money rewards,” Gupta said. “It’s about making an impact for your health and marriage. Money has such a huge connection to so many life stresses that when you create awareness, you have a greater opportunity for stronger relationships with family members and others, for example.”

Educate yourself now. The benefits are lasting.