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Step IV: Revise Your Writing: Clarify Subjects and Verbs

Learning Objectives

By the end of this chapter, you should be able to:

• Convert the passive voice into the active voice.

• Convert weak verbs into strong ones.

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.”

—William Shakespeare

OLD ATTITUDE

Write in an impersonal style to sound more businesslike. Construct sentences in which the subject is passive. Avoid focusing attention on people. Be guarded in assigning responsibility to yourself or others. Use weak verbs.

NEW ATTITUDE

Write in a personal style. Construct sentences in which the subject is active. Focus attention on people. Assign responsibility to yourself and others. Use strong verbs.

FOCUS ON THE HUMAN ELEMENT

Writers write for readers—other human beings. Human beings appreciate the personal. For instance, they enjoy seeing photographs that feature people as opposed to photographs that feature only objects, buildings, or landscapes. Similarly, they enjoy reading about other human beings—the people behind the products and services that companies offer. Therefore, focus on human beings—on the personal—in your writing. Make your subjects active, and use strong verbs to describe their actions.

USE THE ACTIVE VOICE RATHER THAN THE PASSIVE VOICE

In revising documents, convert passive-voice constructions into active-voice ones whenever you can. When you use the active rather than the passive voice, you make it easier for readers to understand who is doing what to whom or to what. Also, your sentences become shorter and more dynamic. Finally, your style becomes warmer, more personal.

Review Basic Sentence Structure

Before attempting to distinguish between active-voice and passive-voice constructions, let’s review the basic elements of sentence structure.

Sentences spring from the interplay of two elements: subjects and verbs. Subjects are nouns or pronouns that perform one of two jobs in a sentence: They either initiate or receive action. Verbs, on the other hand, describe the actions that subjects take or the states of being in which subjects find themselves.

Let’s distinguish between the subjects and verbs in the following sentences:

1. Elizabeth Jones (subject) spent (verb) three months negotiating the rights to Sam Farnsworth’s novel.

2. The company’s helicopter (subject) was landed (verb) by the pilot in a hail storm.

3. Will (verb) the auditors (subject) arrive (verb) before 5:00 P.M.?

Now let’s look at the interaction between the subject and the verb. When the subject performs the action of the verb, the subject is in the active voice, as in the first and third sentences above. When, however, the subject receives the action of the verb, it is in the passive voice, as in the second sentence above.

Referring back to Shakespeare’s quotation at the beginning of this chapter, we want our sentences to function like stages on which subjects act rather than remain passive. However, before attempting to transform passive subjects into active ones, let’s practice identifying the subjects of sentences, whether they be active or passive.

Distinguish Between Subjects that Receive Action and Those that Perform Action

Now let’s look at whether the subject is performing the action of the verb or receiving that action. In the sentence “Joe will develop a business writing curriculum,” the subject (Joe) is performing the action of the verb; he is responsible for developing the curriculum. This sentence is thus in “the active voice.”

In contrast, in the sentence “The business writing curriculum will be developed by Joe,” the subject (the business writing curriculum) is receiving the action of the verb (will be developed) from Joe. The subject in the last sentence is therefore passive or in “the passive voice.”

Distinguish Verbs that Include Some Form of the Helping Verb To Be

To distinguish between an active-voice and a passive-voice construction, examine the verb as well as the subject. If a helping verb accompanies the main verb in the sentence, then the sentence will be in the passive voice.

In the passive sentence “The Brand Office Building will be auctioned by the Cherokee Bank and Trust Company,” the helping verb is will be, and the main verb is auctioned. Notice that the helping verb, will be, is a form of the verb to be. Other forms of the verb to be include is, are, was, were, has been, and have been.

Notice, too, that the main verb auctioned is in the form called the past participle. Regularly formed past participles end in -ed, as in asked,-en, as in written,-d as in decided, or -t, as in spent. Irregularly formed past participles take different forms like run, gone, brought, bought, set.

Learn to spot verb combinations that include the helping verb to be and the past participle of a main verb. When you see this combination, you’ll know that the sentence is in the passive voice.

Convert Passive-Voice Constructions to Active-Voice Constructions

To convert passive-voice constructions to active-voice ones is easy when the sentence contains the information as to who is doing what to whom. You simply move the actor or the doer from the back of the sentence and put the actor in front of the verb, as in the following example:

Change	The best sunscreen is manufactured by ABC Corporation.
To	ABC Corporation manufactures the best sunscreen.

In some cases, however, the original sentence will not contain the information necessary to convert the passive voice to the active voice. In the following sentences, for example, the identity of the actor or doer is missing:

1. The five-year strategic plan was distributed in May.

2. The new benefits program will be implemented as soon as the Board of Directors approves it.

3. The old manuals will be revised by January 30.

In each of these sentences, the writer has not assigned responsibility for the action. The people or entity responsible for doing the distributing, implementing, or revising are missing.

In cases where the people or entity responsible for the action are missing from the original sentence, and the writer/editor wants to make the sentence active, he or she has two choices.

The writer/editor may convert sentences to the active voice by assigning responsibility and supplying the names of the actors, as in the following examples:

1. The president distributed the five-year strategic plan in May.

2. The Human Resources Department will implement the new benefits program as soon as the Board of Directors approves it.

3. The technical writing group will revise the manuals by January 30.

Alternatively, the writer/editor may restructure the sentence in other ways to assure an active-voice construction without assigning specific responsibility. Notice that the following sentences are in the active voice, yet don’t tell us who was responsible for the events or decisions, and probably for good reason.

1. The distribution of the five-year strategic plan occurred in May.

2. The implementation of the new benefits program will take place as soon as the Board of Directors approves the program.

3. January 30 remains the deadline for revising the manuals.

USE STRONG VERBS RATHER THAN WEAK ONES

Using the active voice rather than the passive voice will lead you to using strong verbs. Nevertheless, you may need to further refine the verbs you use in order to clarify sentences and make them more dynamic.

Verb choice matters. Verbs may spark interest or kill it. Similarly, verbs may soothe nerves or jangle them. In summary, verbs may fire sentences or extinguish them.

Identify Weak Verbs

The weakest verbs are the ones we use most often: the verb to be in all of its forms (is, are, was, were, will be, and would be), and the verb to have in all of its forms (have, has, had, will have, and would have).

Sometimes, these verbs serve us as no other verbs can. Often, however, we reach for them simply out of habit, and our writing suffers as a result.

Let’s examine the following sentences and how vividly or rapidly they communicate:

1. Instructors have their textbooks in the room to the right of the stairwell.

2. The new airport signs are in the commissioner’s office.

3. The project group has a generous budget.

4. Ralph always has comments to make at our weekly staff meetings.

5. There are thirty-nine sites dedicated to manufacturing disk drives.

Note the lackluster quality of these five sentences. The verbs create neither strong images nor dynamic action. Compare these sentences with the ones that follow:

1. Instructors store their textbooks in the room to the right of the stairwell.

2. The new airport signs cover the walls of the commissioner’s office.

3. The project group controls a generous budget.

4. Ralph comments regularly at our weekly staff meetings.

5. The company dedicated thirty-nine sites to manufacturing disk drives.

In the second set of examples, the verbs create vivid images. Readers can imagine instructors putting books in the storeroom. Similarly, they can imagine signs covering the walls of an office.

Convert Weak Verbs Into Strong Ones

Use the following tips for converting weak verbs into strong ones.

Use Your Imagination
First, imagine actions that are more specific than the ones that verbs like to be, to have, to do, and to make imply. Use verbs that create stronger images than these verbs.

Delete Expletives
Second, look for sentences that contain words like it, as in it is, and there, as in there are. In grammar, words that occupy the position of other words, phrases, and clauses as these do are called expletives. While sometimes necessary in order to avoid awkwardness, expletives tend to weaken sentences when they replace the subject, as in the sentence, “There are thirty-nine sites dedicated to manufacturing disk drives.”

In this sentence, there are occupies the position of the true subject of the sentence: sites. If we delete there are, we might end up with the sentence “Thirtynine sites were dedicated for manufacturing disk drives.” While this second sentence is stronger than the first, it is not as strong as it might be. Can you guess why? Yes, this second sentence is passive. Therefore, we now need to identify who is responsible for dedicating the sites. Once we have assigned responsibility, we can transform the passive into the active voice and make the verb a truly strong one, as in “The company dedicated thirty-nine sites to manufacturing disk drives.”

Turn Nouns Into Verbs
A third strategy for transforming weak verbs into stronger ones consists of identifying nouns that we can turn into verbs.

In the sentence “Ralph always has comments to make at our weekly meetings,” the word comments is a noun we can easily transform into the verb comment. By taking the noun and turning it back into a verb, as in “Ralph comments regularly in our weekly meetings,” I quickly transformed the weak verb has into a stronger, more specific and dynamic one.

REVISING DOCUMENTS TO CLARIFY SUBJECTS AND VERBS

In making your fourth sweep through documents using the Editor’s Checklist (see Chapter 6), clarify both subjects and verbs. Make sure the subjects are active, rather than passive, and that the verbs are strong.

Let’s look now at Sample Document II, as it read after our third sweep in which we streamlined the sentences. Let’s look specifically at the subjects and verbs.

To: Sara Smith
From: Andrew Green
Date: June 5, 1992
Re: Recent client projects

The Value of Documenting Successes and Failures

This memo recaps recent jobs and what we learned so that we can avoid repeating mistakes and speed up the production process. Unfortunately, some of our learning was witnessed by prospective clients. Nevertheless, in most cases, we came out successful.

Our projects tend to be time consuming. Therefore, the more knowledge we can share, the better we can expedite the process. Please note we have only done a few jobs.

Response Requested

Please let me know if this recap suits your needs, or if you would like additional information before we meet next Monday.

ACME Supermarket

The first job was the sales promo piece we did for ACME Supermarket.

This was simple and was meant to prove a point: that we could produce full-page newspaper ads for their chain’s weekly sales.

Bell, Crossfield, and Scitex

We then went to Bell, Crossfield, and Scitex and did a half-page, black-and-white, newspaper ad about their computer consulting services. We were successful, so we started to undertake more ambitious assignments.

Vinioli/Cassetta

Then came the job we did for Tony Cassetta of Vinioli/Cassetta. This one caused us problems in getting the color separations right. It was a package design of a Quick Meal box. We competed for this job with Computrim.

XYZ Associates

Next was a “redeem ourselves” benchmark for XYZ Associates. This was to prove to local customers that the problems we had with Tony Cassetta’s project were because we were still using Beta software.

This time we asked them for a typical job. We were provided a 4-by-5 transparency showing a box of rosarita beans and asked to create a label design for the box. We did better this time. The design worked, but the client was unsatisfied with the color quality on the match print.

Seventh/Connecticut, Inc.

The last job was the Seventh/Connecticut, Inc., job. This was a retouching test. We had to retouch the image on the cover of their five-year facilities enhancement plan. It was also a test of our ability to convert, mark up, and typeset a huge file with over a hundred exhibits.

Many of the problems we ran into were caused by the client, not us. We successfully converted the file and did retouching to the image. Then we created another tape for them to send to McDonald Detweiler, their parent company, which is international. McDonald Detweiler is now interested in having us do some work for their other subsidiaries.

Sharing What We Learned Will Help Reduce Confusion

We are being thrown into the world of print production and print at a fast rate. Also, the people at the print shops don’t know us well yet. This combination complicates matters. Therefore, anything we can do as a company to share what we’ve learned would be worth its weight in gold.

In Chapter 9, we continued with Step IV of the BWP. In this chapter we focused on clarifying subjects and verbs. We first learned to identify the subjects of sentences, the subjects that perform and those that receive action. Next, we learned to identify passive verbs. Then we practiced converting passive-voice into active-voice constructions. Finally, we learned to identify weak verbs, expletives, and nouns that are easy to transform into strong verbs.

Answers to “Think About It...” Questions from This Chapter

1. I underlined the subjects of the following sentences:

(a) Emergency Services Inc. provides moderately priced health care for the San Francisco area.

(b) Many patients in Dallas hospitals were diagnosed by interns incorrectly.

(c) Who will pay the hospital bills?

2. Of the following paired sentences, sentences a, d, and e are in the passive voice; the others are in the active voice.

(a) The following widget will be proposed to Harding Associates by Acton, Inc.

(b) Acton, Inc., will propose the following widget to Harding Associates.

(c) Harding Associates will furnish Acton with the requirements.

(d) The requirements will be furnished to Acton by Harding Associates.

(e) The report will be reviewed by AirFreight’s vice president for marketing.

(f) AirFreight’s vice president for marketing will review the report.

3. I underlined all the verbs in the following sentences. I also indicated whether the helping verbs are forms of the verb to be and whether the main verbs are past participles.

(a) The graphics were (form of verb to be) drawn (past participle) by the commercial artists.

(b) The commercial artists drew the graphics.

(c) The attacks of competitors were (form of verb to be) withstood (past participle) by the Acme Corporation.

(d) The Acme Corporation withstood the attacks of competitors.

4. I converted the passive-voice constructions into active-voice constructions as follows:

(a) May Durell’s supervisor told May that she would receive a promotion in June.

(b) We will ship the new line of sportswear to our clients on April 1.

(c) The auditors will send their report to the vice president of operations on Monday.

(d) In the spring, Rider Corporation will install the new robots for assembling cars.

5. First I identified weak verbs, expletives, and nouns easy to convert into verbs. Then I converted weak verbs to strong ones as follows:

(a) Janice Brodsky and her guest rode an elevator from the mezzanine to the ground floor.

(b) Let’s lunch at Harry’s American Bar.

(c) Three local vendors sell electronic white boards.

(d) San Juan Associates will judge the best possible location for its headquarters.

(e) David Jansen will decide whether or not we will move our department into the new building.

6. First I underlined the passive voice constructions, weak verbs, expletives, and nouns that could become verbs.

To: Sara Smith
From: Andrew Green
Date: June 5, 1992
Re: Recent client projects

The Value of Documenting Successes and Failures

This memo recaps recent jobs and what we learned so that we can avoid repeating mistakes and speed up the production process. Unfortunately, some of our learning was witnessed (passive verb) by prospective clients. Nevertheless, in most cases, we came out (weak verb) successful.

Our projects tend to be (weak verb) time consuming. Therefore, the more knowledge we can share, the better we can expedite the process. Please note we have only done (weak verb accompanied by the adverb “only”) a few jobs.

Response Requested

Please let me know if this recap suits your needs, or if you would like additional information before we meet next Monday.

ACME Supermarket

The first job was (weak verb) the sales promo piece we did (weak verb) for ACME Supermarket. This was (expletive) simple and was meant (passive verb) to prove a point: that we could produce full-page newspaper ads for their chain’s weekly sales.

Bell, Crossfield, and Scitex

We then went (weak verb) to Bell, Crossfield, and Scitex and did (weak verb) a half-page, black-and-white, newspaper ad on their computer consulting services. We were (weak verb) successful, so we started to undertake more ambitious assignments.

Vinioli/Cassetta

Then came (weak verb) the job we did (weak verb) for Tony Cassetta of Vinioli/Cassetta. This one caused us problems in getting the color separations right. It was (expletive) a package design of a Quick Meal box. We competed for this job with Computrim.

XYZ Associates

Next was (weak verb) a “redeem ourselves” benchmark for XYZ Associates. This was (expletive) to prove to local customers that the problems we had (weak verb) with Tony Cassetta’s project were (weak verb) because we were still using Beta software.

This time we asked for a typical job. We were provided (passive verb) a 4-by-5 transparency showing a box of rosarita beans and asked (passive verb: “were asked” is implied) to create a label design for the box. We did (weak verb) better this time. The design worked, but the client was (weak verb) unsatisfied with the color quality on the match print.

Seventh/Connecticut, Inc.

The last job was (weak verb) the Seventh/Connecticut, Inc., job. This was (weak verb) a retouching test. We had (weak verb) to retouch the image on the cover of their five-year facilities enhancement plan. It was (expletive) also a test of our ability to convert, mark up, and typeset a huge file with over a hundred exhibits.

Many of the problems we ran into were caused (passive verb) by the client, not us! We successfully converted the file and did (weak verb) retouching (noun easily convertible to a verb) to the image. Then we created another tape for them to send to McDonald Detweiler, their parent company, which is international. McDonald Detweiler is (weak verb) now interested in having us do (weak verb) some work (noun easily convertible to a verb) for their other subsidiaries.

Sharing What We Learned Will Help Reduce Confusion

We are being thrown (passive verb) into the world of print production and print at a fast rate. Also, the people at the print shops don’t know us well yet. This combination complicates matters. Therefore, anything we can do (weak verb) as a company to share what we’ve learned would be worth its weight in gold.

I then revised the document to clarify subjects and verbs and activate them.

To: Sara Smith
From: Andrew Green
Date: June 5, 1992
Re: Recent client projects

The Value of Documenting Successes and Failures

This memo recaps recent jobs and what we learned so that we can avoid repeating mistakes and speed up the production process. Unfortunately, prospective clients witnessed some of our learning. Nevertheless, in most cases, we succeeded.

Our projects consume time. Therefore, the more knowledge we can share, the better we can expedite the process. Please note we have only completed a few jobs.

Response Requested

Please let me know if this recap suits your needs, or if you would like additional information before we meet next Monday.

ACME Supermarket

We first designed a sales promo piece for ACME Supermarket. This simple project proved a point: that we could produce full-page newspaper ads for their chain’s weekly sales.

Bell, Crossfield, and Scitex

We then contracted with Bell, Crossfield, and Scitex to produce a half-page, black-and-white, newspaper ad on their computer consulting services. We succeeded, so we started to undertake more ambitious assignments.

Vinioli/Cassetta

Then we landed a job for Tony Cassetta of Vinioli/Cassetta. This one caused us problems in getting the color separations right. We designed the packaging for a Quick Meal box. We competed for this job with Computrim.

XYZ Associates

Next, we redeemed ourselves with a benchmark for XYZ Associates. We wanted to prove to local customers that the problems we encountered with Tony Cassetta’s project resulted from our using Beta software.

This time we asked for a typical job. XYZ gave us a 4-by-5 transparency showing a box of rosarita beans and asked us to create a label design for the box. Our design worked better this time, but the client expressed dissatisfaction with the color quality on the match print.

Seventh/Connecticut, Inc.

The last job, for Seventh/Connecticut, Inc., tested our retouching abilities. We retouched the image on the cover of their five-year facilities enhancement plan. The job also tested our ability to convert, mark up, and typeset a huge file with over a hundred exhibits.

Many of the problems we ran into we didn’t cause: the client did! We successfully converted the file and retouched the image. Then we created another tape for them to send to McDonald Detweiler, their parent company, which is international. McDonald Detweiler has now expressed interest in having us work for their other subsidiaries.

Sharing What We Learned Will Help Reduce Confusion

We jumped into the world of print production at a fast rate. Also, the people at the print shops don’t know us well yet. This combination complicates matters. Therefore, anything we can share about what we’ve learned as a company would be worth its weight in gold.