I’ve learned more about life from my children than I ever did from my psychiatry training—especially when it comes to touching other people’s hearts and minds.

For instance, I learned from my daughter Lauren that a single gesture can warm another person’s heart for years. In her case, the gesture was a note she e-mailed me when she was 23 years old. It says:

Hi dad, Last night I was walking around Manhattan as I often do with my friends talking about how confused we felt about our futures. And as often happens I said, “My dad said . . .” and as always happens, it made the conversation considerably better. I don’t know how many of my friends can say the same about their fathers. I am so lucky to have such a wise dad, even if he does live 3,000 miles away. See you in a few weeks. Love, Lauren.

I wouldn’t sell that note for a million bucks. And no matter how bad a day is, or how rude or annoying people are to me, or how little positive feedback I receive, I know that I matter—because there’s a piece of paper I carry in my wallet that says so.

“THANK YOU” VERSUS THE POWER THANK YOU

I have wonderful kids, and they’re great about offering thanks when I do stuff for them. But Lauren’s note stood out because it wasn’t just a thank you—it was a Power Thank You.

Clearly, there’s nothing wrong with simply saying “thanks” when someone helps you out. In fact, that’s usually the right thing to do. But if you stop there, your communication is merely transactional (you did something nice for me, so I’ll say something polite to you). It doesn’t touch the other person or strengthen the relationship between you.

That’s why if you’re deeply grateful to someone who’s done an exceptional favor for you, you need to express that emotion by going beyond the plain words “thank you” and instead offer a Power Thank You. When you do this, your words will generate strong feelings of gratitude, respect, and affinity in the other person.

Here’s my favorite version of the Power Thank You. It was inspired by Heidi Wall, filmmaker and co-founder of the Flash Forward Institute, and it has three parts:

Part 1: Thank the person for something specific that he or she did for you. (It can also be something the person refrained from doing that would have hurt you.)

Part 2: Acknowledge the effort it took for the person to help you by saying something like: “I know you didn’t have to do _______” or “I know you went out of your way to do_______.”

Part 3: Tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you.

Here’s an example of the Power Thank You in action.

DONNA, a manager, speaking to a subordinate: Larry, do you have a sec?

LARRY: Sure. What’s up?

DONNA: Nothing. I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for handling the Bennett account so well when I was out of the office for my emergency surgery.

LARRY: Hey, no problem. I was glad to help.

DONNA: Actually, I’m sure it did create some problems for you. I know you were counting on taking your kids to the soccer semifinals and I heard from your coworkers that instead you spent the whole weekend in the office boning up on the details of the account. I don’t think many people would have rearranged their schedules so willingly—and I doubt that most people could carry off a meeting with Bennett as brilliantly as you did.

LARRY: Well, thanks. I was a little worried about it all, but I’m glad we pulled it off.

DONNA: Don’t kid yourself. You pulled it off. You made both of us look good, and you made a big score for the whole department. I’m very grateful, and so is the rest of the team.

Donna could have simply said “thanks” in this situation, and that’s what most managers would do. If she had, however, Larry— although he’s an awfully nice guy—would have felt a little cheated. Why? If a person performs an extraordinary act of kindness or assistance and all you say is “thanks,” you create a mirror neuron receptor gap (more about this in Chapter 2) because emotionally you’re not giving back as much as you received. Saying “thanks” is better than nothing, but it’s not good enough.

Donna’s Power Thank You, however, made Larry feel totally mirrored. She didn’t just express appreciation; she also acknowledged Larry’s kindness, intelligence, commitment, and willingness to make a sacrifice to help other people. As a result, she strengthened her bond with Larry and gave him even more incentive to come through in tough situations.

Notice, too, that the Power Thank You doesn’t just make the other person look good. It also makes you look good to everyone involved by showing that you have empathy and humility and that you care. It also shows that you can be trusted to give credit where it’s due—something that can win you important allies in a corporate world where people too often get burned by disloyalty.

To make this an even more effective approach, offer your Power Thank You in a group setting if you can. The larger the audience for your words, the more striking their effect will be.

THE POWER APOLOGY

While my daughter Lauren taught me the importance of a powerful thank you, my daughter Emily helped reinforce the lesson that you can’t buy people off cheap when you’ve hurt them.

It started with a phone call from my wife, who said, “You’re in big trouble!” The reason: I’d failed to show up for seven-year-old Emily’s dance class. “She kept looking for you, and you weren’t there,” my wife said. “I think you need to talk to her. I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.”

I immediately thought “bribe/distraction” and went to the store and bought Emily a cute doll with arms and legs that twisted like pipe cleaners. When I arrived home, my wife pointed me in the direction of my daughter’s room. I sat down on Emily’s bed and said, “I promised you that I would come to your dance practice and didn’t come, isn’t that so?”

Emily fought a losing battle to hold back the tears, straining her mouth open and trying to look up at the ceiling. I continued, “I made a mistake and I’m sorry and I will tell you this. I will never make a promise to you again that I don’t keep. I want you to believe that a promise from your dad is something you can always count on. As a result I will not make you many promises. Instead say, ‘I’ll try,’ and then hope I surprise you more often than not.”

I hugged her and then gave her the doll, and she gave me a hug in return. But the day after our talk, I found the doll in the garbage can in her room. Hurt? I was, a little. But I also had to grin. My little girl, in her own way, was telling me: “I’m important, buddy, and you’d better know it. You can’t buy me off easy—and you’d better keep your promise.”

I did keep that promise faithfully, and in turn Emily forgave me completely—in time. But it didn’t happen overnight, and it took lots of effort on my part to win back her trust.

My guess is that somewhere along the line, you’ll screw up too—and it might be over something bigger than a recital. Maybe you’ll betray the trust of a colleague, or fail to come through on a big project, or hurt a partner or child by saying terrible words you can’t take back.

If so, understand this: merely saying “sorry” will patch over the wound, but it won’t heal it. That’s because your screw-up wasn’t just a blunder. It was also a suggestion that the other person does-n’t matter (creating a huge mirror neuron receptor deficit), and you’re responsible for proving otherwise. So don’t just say you’re sorry; if the situation warrants it, offer a Power Apology.

A Power Apology consists of what I call the “4 Rs.” They are:

Remorse: Demonstrate to the other person that you know you caused harm and you are truly sorry. For example: “I know I made you look bad in front of the boss by failing to bring the documentation you needed to make your case for the new computers. It was my fault he turned down your request and everyone has to use the old computers for another year.”

When you’re doing this, allow the other person to vent and don’t become defensive even if the person is over the top. When you encourage people who are furious to get their anger off their chests, it speeds the healing process.

Restitution: Find some way to make amends, at least partially. For example: “I know the whole team is pissed off about not getting the computers, and they blame you. I’m going to go to each team member and explain that it’s my fault. I can’t undo the damage, but at least I can take the blame off your shoulders.”

Rehabilitation: Demonstrate through your actions that you’ve learned your lesson. If a mistake occurred because you didn’t do your job right or you shot off your mouth without thinking, do whatever it takes to avoid making the same mistake in the future.

Requesting forgiveness: Don’t do this immediately, because actions speak louder than words. To truly earn forgiveness, you need to sustain your corrective actions until they become part of who you are. At this point—and not before—go back to the person you’ve hurt and say, “Are you able to forgive me for hurting you?”

Most people will accept a Power Apology graciously because they’ll respect your humility and your efforts to prove yourself worthy of their trust. Even people who initially wrote you off—”I don’t want anything to do with you ever again!”—will usually be willing to forgive (even if they don’t totally forget). This is a particularly good way to heal the wounds that often result from a bitter divorce.

If someone doesn’t forgive you even after you’ve done all you can to make amends, don’t assume that you’re unforgiveable; instead, realize that you may be dealing with someone who’s unforgiving. If that’s the case, don’t drive yourself nuts over it. Just let it go, and don’t work up a grudge that’ll add to your emotional baggage.

If your Power Apology works, on the other hand, make good use of your second chance—and recognize that this approach only works once. Betray a person’s trust a second or third time, and you’re beyond redemption. Stick to your promises, however, and eventually you’ll fully restore the trust the person once placed in you—and possibly even make it stronger.

Usable Insight

The more often you say and sincerely mean “thank you,” the less you need to pay your people. The more often you say and sincerely mean “I’m sorry,” the quicker your people will get back to work.

Action Step

Think of (a) the person who’s helped you the most over the last month, (b) the person who’s helped you the most over the past year, and (c) the person who’s helped you most over your lifetime. Offer each one a Power Thank You, either in person or by mail or e-mail.

Now, think of a person you’ve hurt, let down, and never made amends to—and give that person a Power Apology.

It’s never too late to give a Power Thank You or Power Apology, if you really mean it.