Chapter 16. Arguing when you know you’re in the wrong

Oh dear! Our argument that seemed so convincing earlier in the day is collapsing around us. The facts we were so certain about now appear mistaken. The logic of the argument that seemed so clear is now tarnished. It’s obvious that the argument is lost. It has happened to us all. What to do?

If you realize that what you have been arguing is wrong, you must be honest about it. Continuing to argue, as Alfred did, when it’s clear that you’re in the wrong is embarrassing. It creates a bad impression with other people. It means that any negative consequences flowing from the bad argument are likely to be exacerbated, and you will likely be held to blame.

Here are some top tips when you realize that things have gone wrong:

• Does the issue need to be resolved? If a decision needs to be made there may be no alternative but to agree to the other person’s proposal. You can do this in a way that saves face. Don’t admit that you’re wrong, just allow that the other person’s proposal has merit.

• Is it an issue the other person feels strongly about, or was it a friendly discussion? If it’s only a friendly discussion then you can throw in the towel good-naturedly. If the other person feels strongly, it’s best to focus on their proposal and not discuss yours any further.

• Will you gain respect by admitting you’re wrong? As odd as this might sound, sometimes people respect a person who candidly admits they got it wrong more than a person who tries to fudge a mistake. Honesty can never be underrated.

But you may decide that you need to end the argument without admitting defeat. The simplest way to do so is to change the subject.

These are likely to be effective in ending the conversation. If the other person is insistent on you giving them some concession before you go, there are plenty of non-committal remarks you can use:

Apologizing is extremely important.

Can you remember when a person apologized to you? How apologies apply in particular cases will vary, but thinking through how you felt when someone apologized to you can be a helpful exercise in learning to apologize yourself.

Certainly it would be counter-productive to make an excessive apology for a minor wrong. In minor cases simply saying “I’m sorry about that” will be enough. In giving the following examples I’m assuming that something more serious has happened and a fuller apology is appropriate. Here are some key points:

• If you have time, think carefully about how to phrase the apology.

• Think about where you are properly to blame.

• An apology should recognize the hurt caused to the other person. You need to convey the fact that you have heard and understood the pain caused. If you’re not sure how much that is, then ask the person.

• Accept responsibility. A proper apology will acknowledge that you are responsible for that pain. That’s why the feeble apology that some politicians offer is properly acknowledged as a “non-apology’:

“Please accept my apologies if you were offended by what I said.”

“I am saddened to learn that some were upset by my comments.”

These are not proper apologies because there’s no acceptance of the responsibility for causing the pain. Indeed, they could be read as suggesting that the other person is at fault for being offended!

• Where appropriate, offer an explanation. Perhaps you were particularly stressed or tired. Make it clear that doesn’t mean you’re not responsible for hurting them, but that you would not normally act in that way. It may be that you said something that was misinterpreted because you had not expressed yourself clearly. Explain what you meant to say and apologize for putting it in such unclear terms.

• Try to empathize with the person you are apologizing to.

You may feel the other party has overreacted to the situation, but it’s still worth acknowledging the hurt they feel.

• If appropriate, think of a way to show your apology in a practical way. Perhaps buying someone a present, arranging for a repair, taking them out to lunch, or just being kind toward them can make up for what you have done.

Remember in applying these tips what your goal is in apologizing. It is to communicate your acceptance of responsibility for the hurt you have caused and to acknowlede that you should not have behaved in that way. Ideally you want this to lead to the other person forgiving you and not holding a grudge against you. It’s not simply saying sorry that matters, it’s what happens as a result. Remember that you will naturally be reluctant to apologize. People hate doing it. Pride stands in the way. But it’s an enormously effective tool in righting a relationship, whether it’s business or personal. How many relationships have festered for want of a few words of apology?