CHAPTER TEN
Charisma ’n’ You

One kind word can warm three winter months.
—Japanese proverb

I’m not smooth and I’m not cool
I’m not mod, I’m so old-skool
I’m not hip and I’m not hop
My hair’s a mess, it’s like a mop
I need to be like someone else
… unless I can just be my Self.

Perhaps you have heard the term executive presence. Maybe you know what it means. I have no idea. I believe it has something to do with when a tall, distinguished-looking man commands a room, steering the conversation around him like an enormous Navy ship. These people, with virtually no characteristics I can personally relate to, are described as having magnetic personalities. That could certainly cause difficulties when traveling through security at airport terminals, but luckily I don’t have that problem.

Do you ever feel like a reverse magnet? Repelling the crowds effortlessly. The party parts for you like the Red Sea! Pure magic.

Good news. This can all be fixed so you too can attract steel beams straight out of a building’s foundation. Real charisma has nothing to do with stature (phew!), gender, age, socioeconomics, or whatever. It has to do with… Allow me to demonstrate with a few real-life examples.

We will delve into this chapter by learning about three men in three distinct professions, each of whom I have had the honor to meet personally.

Exhibit A

I lived in a community where garbage needed to be brought to a central compactor for disposal. A man named Mark ran the garbage compactor and recycling operation. Mark managed a staff of four, with virtually no turnover. Mark took it upon himself to operate the compactor himself whenever it was open. Imagine the attitude of someone with this job—standing outside in often-freezing weather, disposing of other people’s garbage. It would be understandable if he had a chip on his shoulder and regarded the patrons irritably. Such a guy would greet the customers with a grunt and send them on their way.

Instead, Mark had a spark inside. He did not greet his customers negatively. Instead, he greeted each of us with an upbeat energy that made us laugh and leave happier than when we came… not from visiting a four-star restaurant but from disposing of our garbage! Mark joked around with people as we drove up in our warm cars, and said he looked forward to seeing us again when we left.

Here’s a guy with plenty to complain about—a thankless outside job and low wages. Yet his treatment of others resulted in many positive relationships. His staff stayed year after year. They soaked in his positivity, which permeated the site. Mark cultivated a special rapport with his patrons and received gifts and warm wishes throughout the year. He described his staff as friendly and personable. A mirror of himself.

One late autumn morning, Mark greeted me characteristically, “What a beautiful day! You’d have to have something really wrong with you to not be happy on a day like today,” as he hoisted yet another garbage bag onto the compactor’s conveyer belt.

Exhibit B

In a different industry entirely is Antonio, the owner and sole proprietor of a small kitchen design firm. Antonio works day and night and prides himself on exceeding customer expectations. He doesn’t complain when he is asked to draw and redraw plans to match a customer’s breezy whims, and he never pulls rank with his staff. He manages a diverse team of two dozen employees, from designers to builders. Like Mark, Antonio owes his success to the belief that work isn’t work.

Antonio is known to regularly exclaim enthusiastically, “This is fun! Can you imagine doing this for a living?”

Antonio is not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or independently wealthy. He sits at a well-worn desk on a showroom floor. His workstation is indistinguishable from any of his sales staff’s, and casual shoppers could be forgiven for mistaking him for one of the salesmen.

Antonio cannot believe his good luck. He turns vague requests into full-fledged reality, visits work sites daily, and helps haul shipments with his drivers. He believes he enables his clients to reach their dreams. Antonio says he earns a living in a career that allows him to “play” all day.

Exhibit C

Ezekiel is a self-employed shoeshiner. So we can rightly call him an entrepreneur. Ezekiel’s job is to kneel down in front of patrons to scrub their shoes ’til they glisten from polish, a well-worn cloth, and his magic touch. His domain is a small shoeshine stand out in front of a row of prestigious shops in Washington, DC. Ezekiel has set up shop there for over twenty years and has a cadre of dedicated, loyal customers.

One sweltering summer afternoon, Ezekiel was happily chatting with the current recipient of a signature shine when a businessperson waiting his turn jokingly ribbed Ezekiel to hurry up.

“Hey, Zeke! Stop your talking and get back to work!”

Without missing a beat or losing his wide grin, Ezekiel quipped, “Work?! When it starts feeling like work, I quit!”

In reality, Ezekiel is extremely efficient. He focuses on the shoes in front of him as the most important thing in the world. He derives pleasure from excelling at his work, making him a customer magnet.

Coveting the perceived magnetism or presumed good fortune of others is a dead-end street. The fast track to charm is to finding joy in your work (and life). Then you can build your own version of presence that’s authentic and lasting.

And from here, the natural leap is to a discussion of… lotteries. I know you were thinking the same thing.

Lotteries

Does money buy happiness? The mature answer is no. Yet the mind-boggling number of lottery tickets sold shouts a resounding Yes!

Even so, studies of lottery winners reveal that, one year after striking it rich, winners return to their previous happiness equilibrium and wind up approximately as satisfied with life as they were before winning millions of dollars.

In 1978 Philip Brickman, a social psychologist at Northwestern University, studied lottery winners just as lotteries were gaining in popularity. His work revealed that lottery winners actually reported lower levels of pleasure from daily activities than did nonlottery winners.

Happiness is relative, marked only by changes from the recent past. Through more expansive studies, Brickman discovered that we adapt to life circumstances, good and bad. After a windfall, the satisfaction fades, replaced by indifference and new striving. Constant adaptation to a cushier lifestyle leads to what he dubbed the hedonic treadmill, as we seek out higher levels of reward to maintain the same subjective pleasure.¹²

This is hard for us regular working folks to swallow, yet sparkling celebrities are endlessly quoted in interviews attesting to the same concept—money and other external rewards do not seem to buy happiness.

The same goes for being promoted to management. I understand your salary didn’t take quite the $350 million leap of some lottery winners, yet the concept holds steady. From afar, achieving a promotion to (or within) management seems a ticket toward success. And success leads to fulfillment. And fast on the heels of fulfillment is the mystical world of happiness. Right?

Not so fast.

Everybody in the world is seeking happiness—and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

—Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

Do yourself a favor and listen to Mr. Carnegie. Everybody else does. After all, he’s the go-to guy for making friends.

Another study revealed that cultures that place high importance on money and materialism have lower overall levels of well-being. Similar findings hold true for individuals—higher materialism correlates with lower overall happiness.¹³

External factors like acquiring money or promotions don’t ultimately infuse us with an inner glow. Our perception of who we are and conviction of what we have to offer is the root of charisma.

What is charisma’s allure? What’s the desired result? To be admired and respected? If so, there are many paths to the top of the mountain. All require that others sense your authentic passion.

J. J. Frazer is the founder and CEO of New Horizon Security Services, the fastest-growing uniformed security officer company in the United States in 2011. His passion is humility, which he translates into his business model in a very tangible way. Every one of his more than five thousand employees must complete one good deed each day. It’s required. He seeks to hire only kind, humble people.

J. J. is creative, passionate, and principled. That’s a pretty appealing version of charisma, and his ever-growing, committed staff seems to agree.

Flex!

To truly shine, focus on what’s right, not what’s wrong.

P.S. We are in charge of our minds and therefore our results.