CHAPTER 13

On Creating a Bond: Tell Me a Story

ONE of the business professionals whom I trained shared with me the story of an enriching experience that she had while coaching a young professional from the Middle East. He was doing an apprenticeship to take over his family business imperium. Her role was to prepare him strategically, enhance his leadership skills, and prepare him for the multi- stakeholder negotiations he would soon be involved in. Their professional journey lasted several years during which the role of mentor and student intertwined. To describe their beginnings as rocky would be a euphemism. There was literally a world of differences between them in terms of nationality, family traditions and upbringing, culture, customs, religion, gender and related hierarchical roles, as well as values and beliefs. They both have strong personalities and rigid viewpoints on certain topics that are important for them. Despite the divergences, they managed to find a common ground and create a bond that allowed them to survive the clash of the titans and fulfill the objectives of their assignment. This experience shows that a bond between the parties is a critical success factor for long-lasting business relationships. In order to build it, you will need to follow several phases. It all starts with telling a story.

Figure 13.11 Listening as a process

Having been educated and having spent most of her professional life in a task-oriented business culture, her approach to getting things done was primarily focused on the assignment itself. Before taking on this assignment, she thought that the relation part was an aftermath. His view was the opposite; before the task came the relationship part of the business transaction. She was surprised when he used to ask: “Tell me a story” at the beginning of most of their sessions. At first, she did not know what story to tell, she searched in her mind for a topic related to the task they had planned for the day trying to think of something business savvy to say. This was not what he was looking for. He wanted her own story. It could be anything: an image she saw driving between my meetings, a song she heard that inspired her, a comment or remark that caught her attention. What was important was that she could convey to him the emotion evoked by that trigger. It was his way of understanding her reality, the way she made sense of the world, how she felt on a given day, what was her mood and her current emotional inventory. That perceptual collage would inevitably define the dynamic of their meeting on a given day. This is a valuable lesson for negotiations. Very often, a proposal will fall on deaf ears if your partner is not in a receptive mood. It is all about the right timing.

The ability to perceive and understand the world through the lens of your partner and relate to their feelings is what we refer to as empathy. Please note that it is not equivalent to agreeing; therefore, it does not have any adverse effect on the task you want to achieve. In negotiations, this can be used as a powerful tool of deblocking the other party and making them less defensive and thus more receptive to your proposal. This creates the foundation for them to trust you. Noteworthy, trust is seen as the condition for any business (and personal) relationship with long-term potential. Think of trust as a positive reserve that you should invest in, just like you put money in your savings account for a rainy day. The trick is to have a positive account balance that can offset any obstacles that you will inevitably face on the path to reaching an agreement. An arrangement based on mutual understanding and bonding is unbreakable. Sometimes, it can be life-changing, as in the case of the Prisoner’s Dilemma. If both parties trust each other and have faith that their individual interests will not take priority, then they can each benefit from a lower sentence and clean conscience.

Many negotiators face the same challenges that the business professional initially did when asked to tell her story. We are our own most severe critics. The participants in my negotiation trainings struggle with telling a story. They fear how others will perceive them and how they will be judged, even though they are in a safe training environment. The outcome is inevitably the same—the stories are either told in a timid way or with overdone poise meant to disguise inner insecurities. This immediately sends a signal of lack of conviction and takes away from their authority. Some have become so mechanic in their approach that it is difficult for them to be creative. This has a reflection in their negotiation style—often, these are the negotiators who find it difficult to think outside the box (a term they like to use but do not necessarily apply) and who tend to get stuck in their rigid positions. Such an attitude may lead to an impasse and ultimately jeopardize the chances of reaching an agreement.

Be proud of your story, own it, and present it with dignity in a self- empowered manner. Do not be afraid to show your human side. Empathy is not a sign of weakness. It is the only way to build and bond. Even in tough negotiations or when faced with the Prisoner’s Dilemma, an agreement based on mutual understanding and bonding is unbreakable. Remember that business is usually personal.

Chapter 13: Further Reading

With the passing of time, people will forget what you said and which exact words you used, but they will never forget how you made them feel. A good story will do just that; it will stay engraved in the heart and mind. Here are the recommended choices of enlightening stories that will help you discover simple truths for your negotiations: