We’d like to give you an idea of how you can expect to feel so that you’re clear about what you’re aiming for. If you’ve been experiencing any kind of stress for a prolonged period of time, looking for the opposite of stress can feel like searching for keys, through the mud, in the dark, without even knowing which house is yours. We’d like to encourage you to think of finding ways to open up blinds and curtains and windows in the dark, stunning house that’s you.

Your interpretation of the word calm and why you need to be experiencing this will now be clearer. Stress (wherever you’re at in the continuum) is a chemical reaction in the brain, and deactivating this when it’s not necessary, so you’re not on constant alert, is the first stage. In Chapter 2 we clarified why you want to be calm and why you need to be calm. The challenges of life won’t disappear but you will be better able to handle them, you will be in good health and you’ll be flourishing rather than struggling.

In this chapter we want to take you through what happens in the body and the mind when you are calm.

YOU CAN ACCEPT ALL OF WHO YOU ARE

We’ve talked about that holiday feeling when you experience your best self and wish you could always feel like this, and we’re encouraging you to look for ways to bring that Holiday-You into daily life. But of course in the daily grind of life, away from the stunning location and no demanding schedule, something else sets in: the aspects of you that you wish were ‘better’ or don’t like.

We are lucky to live in a country and a society which values freedom and individuality, where people can live exactly as they please. The slight downside to this is that when there are no norms and there is so much choice people begin to question what they’re achieving in a different way. Social media constantly reminds us of what others are doing. If there was only one norm, the natural tendency of human beings to compare ourselves and be competitive would be restricted to that one trajectory. When the norm was to get married at a certain age, have one job for life, have children, go on holiday once a year and do Christmas with the whole family, the natural tendency to compare and despair or compare and rebel was simpler.

But what now? Reality TV has made it possible to even be rich and famous without doing anything, and there are myriad images of what our lives might be and could be. What happens is that I could do this or I could do that becomes should I do this or should I do that multiplied several times.

And that creates anxiety. Add this to dealing with a stressful job and handling personal issues and you end up not feeling good about yourself. Some of you may even feel guilty because there’s a lot of great stuff going on in your life, but you can’t handle it all.

Real calm is about accepting where you’re at along with all parts of yourself. It’s about self-awareness rather than self-obsession. Self-awareness involves taking responsibility and certain actions – rather than staying stuck and hoping ‘it’ will all go away and falling into the trap of blaming others or feeling powerless. It’s learning to shape your life so that life flows, rather than struggling to shape yourself into a life that aggravates you.

“Many people are wondering –
‘Is it all right to be me?’ Because we are all too often encouraged not to be ourselves.”

Jeremy Stockwell, performance consultant and TV coach

• Right now you feel: Frustrated with yourself
• Right now start: Telling yourself you’re doing the best you can

OTHERS EXPERIENCE YOU AS CALM

This section was originally entitled ‘You look calm to others’, but we dismissed this because it was misleading. It implies that you’d be faking confidence while others view you as calm. If you tend to be a nervous wreck in situations where you’re in the spotlight, then looking calm might be at the forefront of your mind. You want to go into making a presentation or a pitch for business without looking nervous. Real calm, however, comes from the body. You don’t look confident and calm, you are in control of the complex internal processes that kick off when you have to make a speech or pitch for business.

It’s not that others see you as calm, but that they don’t see you as anxious in any way. They might not describe you as calm because instead they might be inspired to describe you as knowledgeable, competent or even inspiring and dynamic. When others experience real calm from you they can experience the real you and the gems you have to offer.

• Right now you feel: Nervous about the impression you make
• Right now start: To reveal glimpses of the real you

LIFE LOOKS GOOD

When you are experiencing life through a stress filter nothing looks good, nothing measures up to how it ‘should’ be. As you know now from Chapter 2 the discrepancy monitor in the brain ramps up anxiety like a volume dial turned to full. Life isn’t perfect, even for the rich and famous who seemingly have it all. Being able to see the good things you’ve created in your life and your achievements so far is one of the biggest benefits of real calm. In Chapter 1, one of the dimensions of our definition for real calm is striving rather than struggling in life, being able to flourish. When life looks good you can do this.

“If you can just stop for a moment each day and sit without wanting, calm will come and find you. And gradually you will find you 
can extend these moments.”

Jeremy Stockwell, performance consultant and TV coach

• Right now you feel: Life isn’t the way you want it to be
• Right now start: Identifying just one thing a day that’s good in your life

“A lot of people are spending a lot of time not feeling positive, compared to a moment of feeling better.”

Professor Ian Robertson, psychologist and neuroscientist

YOU’VE GOT YOUR MOJO BACK

Now what does this mean? Literally it means your magic charm. It’s that spark that has you perform at your best, whether it’s shining at work or making everyone laugh. Your mojo might also be passionate, opinionated, committed to campaigning for justice or the grit to achieve a competitive ambition like getting a thriller published or setting up your own business. Most of these don’t exactly suggest calm do they? Some of these are up there with get-up-and-run-with-the-wolves or swim-with-the-sharks.

Real calm is multidimensional and you will experience it in different ways. You’ll be able to be fired up at work, but you’ll also be able to switch off after work. When you see the neighbour you have an ongoing dispute with you’ll be able to be detached and be polite, but when you join a local campaign to save a local business you won’t hold back on telling the council your opinion. When there’s a crisis in the family you won’t wade into any arguments, but if someone in the family nags you you’ll snap at them to respect you. There will be situations when you choose to be detached or cool – but this isn’t what real calm is about on a more constant basis.

Detach-don’t-react is common advice and certainly this applies in many situations. But it’s not a mantra to live your life by. Real calm feels full of possibilities in terms of how you respond in any given situation. It’s about being engaged in the moment, poised to unleash your mojo. Like driving a car, you’re able to navigate traffic and tricky road conditions, speed up on the motorway when there’s a clear run and slow down to take in breathtaking scenery.

• Right now you feel: Constantly frazzled
• Right now start: Pausing just for a few seconds

Real calm might sound like it’s a recipe for deep relaxation. While there might be moments when real calm feels relaxing, that’s not the basis of it. Being able to accept how you are and focusing on taking action to become competent at dealing with life problems will help you avoid getting into the spiral of stress. Instead of faking confidence and calmness you’ll become aware of where your body holds tension. The appreciation of the link between how we think, breathe and speak will lead you to think more before you speak. You’ll be in charge of your responses, ready to ignite all of your strengths when you need them.