Defining Love

K: I couldn’t agree more with your statement about how Servant Leadership has a positive impact on both results and human satisfaction. And what’s amazing about that, as I mentioned earlier, is that to me, Servant Leadership is love in action.

C: If you’re going to say Servant Leadership is love in action, how are you defining love?

K: You’ve been to a lot of weddings, haven’t you, where they read the “love” passage from the Bible?

C: You mean the one that goes, “Love is patient, love is kind”?

K: Exactly. Let me read it to you:

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres. Love never fails.

—1 Corinthians 13

C: That’s it, all right. You often see a tear or two when that’s read.

K: You sure do. A while back, I read a wonderful little book about love titled The Greatest Thing in the World,¹⁷ which was written by Henry Drummond, a nineteenth-century Scottish writer. He identifies nine components of love based on the “love” passage: patience, kindness, generosity, courtesy, humility, unselfishness, good temper, guilelessness, and sincerity.

C: That sounds like a pretty complete list to me, Ken, except I don’t know what guilelessness means—in fact, I’ve never heard of that word!

K: Neither had I. But before we get to that, let me try a little exercise with you, Colleen. After I describe what each component consists of, I’d like to see if you could answer two questions about that component: “When do I demonstrate this component?” and “When do I struggle to demonstrate this component?”

C: Do you want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

K: Yes, so help you God! The reason I say that, Colleen, is because I really admire how you’re willing to share your vulnerability.

C: That’s because I think:

People Admire Your Strengths,
But They Respect Your Honesty
Regarding Your Vulnerability

I think when you’re vulnerable, People realize that you, too, are human. And, perhaps even more importantly, they love your ownership of your personal positive and negative characteristics. So fire away, Ken.

K: Okay. The first one is Patience:

Love as patience endures evil, injury, and provocation without being filled with resentment, indignation, or revenge. It will put up with many slights and neglects from the people it loves, and wait long to see the kindly effects of such patience.

C: I demonstrate love as patience when helping People who are down on their luck by showing them that I care about their problems. I want to help them rebuild their self-confidence so that they can, in turn, do the same for someone else who needs help in the future.

I struggle to demonstrate love as patience when I see folks who have all the talent and skill to make something of themselves but find it easier to whine and complain about how messed up or wrong others are without doing anything to make things better.

K: Norman Vincent Peale once told me that the two best traits you can have to lead a fulfilling life are patience and persistence. He said we need patience because God’s timetable is different than ours. Things don’t always happen or occur on our schedule. But when they do happen, it’s usually at the right time. When you become impatient, persistence should take over, which means keep on moving. Then if your persistence—doing something—leads to frustration, go back to patience.

C: I loved his book The Power of Positive Thinking.¹⁸

K: Norman and his wife Ruth had a big impact on Margie and me. We met him when he was 86 years old and we began to write a book together entitled The Power of Ethical Management.¹⁹

I love the story that Norman used to tell about the relationship between patience and persistence. For six months, a man prayed to God every night to win the lottery. He would say, “Lord, I’m a good man, I take care of my family, I’m kind to others. All I want to do is win the lottery.” After six months with no results, he was angry with God. When he went to say his prayers that night, he said, “I can’t understand what’s wrong. I’ve been praying religiously for six months to win the lottery, and I’ve gotten squat. Nada. And yet I’m a good man, I take care of my family, I’m kind to others. What’s the deal?” At that instant, there was a strike of lighting. A booming voice came from above, saying, “Do me a favor. Buy a ticket.”

So the moral to that story is that patience without persistence—doing something—doesn’t work.

C: That’s a good one. I’ll remember about patience and persistence.

K: The second component is Kindness:

Love as kindness is active. Kindness seeks to be useful. It not only seizes on opportunities for doing good, but also searches for them.

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“The kindness of strangers isn’t that rare,
especially on Southwest Airlines.”

—Comment from Southwest Customer

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C: I demonstrate love as kindness when finding ways to make People smile and when making People realize how much they are loved, admired, and respected.

I struggle to demonstrate love as kindness when I see people deliberately causing others to be miserable.

K: My favorite quote about kindness is attributed to a man by the name of Stephen Grellet:

“I expect to pass through this world but once;
any good, therefore, that I can do,
or any kindness I can show
to any fellow creature,
let me do it now.
Let me not defer or neglect it,
for I shall not pass this way again.”

—Stephen Grellet, 1773–1855

C: I’ve always loved that quote too, but I never knew who said it. Now that I know, I still don’t know. For Pete’s sake, Ken, who was Stephen Grellet?

K: He was a Quaker missionary. But who’s Pete? Ha!

Now we’re on the third component, which is Generosity:

Love as generosity does not envy the good fortune or accomplishments of others. If we love our neighbors, we will be so far from envying them and what they possess or accomplish that we will share in and rejoice at these things. The prosperity of those to whom we wish well can never grieve us.

C: I demonstrate love as generosity when rejoicing over others’ successes and when recognizing and rewarding acts of courage, determination, sacrifice, or goodwill.

I struggle to demonstrate love as generosity when I see people accepting credit for the work or successes of others.

K: In the past, when you heard the word generosity, you thought about what you do with your money. It’s normally considered the opposite of greed. The Bible talks about generosity in terms of time and talent, as well as treasure. In the “love passage,” it is more about generosity of spirit.

The next component of love is Courtesy:

Love as courtesy is said to be love in little things. It behaves toward all people with goodwill. It seeks to promote the happiness of all.

C: I hope I demonstrate love as courtesy every day with consistent and sincere Golden Rule behavior toward all.

I struggle to demonstrate love as courtesy when I can find little to respect about a particular person.

K: At the Disney parks, their number-one value is safety, followed by courtesy—the friendly, helpful service you get from every cast member. If it’s good enough for Disney, why not try it?

C: When we started Southwest, we certainly learned a lot about courtesy and friendliness from Disney.

K: Now comes Humility:

Love as humility does not promote or call attention to itself, is not puffed up, is not bloated with self-conceit, and does not dwell upon its accomplishments. When you exhibit true love, you will find things to praise in others and will esteem others as you esteem yourself.

C: I demonstrate love as humility when I acknowledge that any of my so-called successes are due to the many contributions or teachings with which my numerous mentors and heroes have blessed me.

I struggle to demonstrate love as humility when I see others taking credit for ideas that I originally presented with great passion, only to be told that those ideas were without merit. As a matter of fact, although I realize I have many weaknesses, I suspect this is my biggest weakness.

K: It’s interesting that the second trait that Jim Collins identified to describe great leaders, after will, which we mentioned earlier, was humility. It’s the capacity to realize that leadership is not about the leader, it’s about the people and what they need.

C: That’s what our Servant’s Heart value is all about. Some people think of humility as a weakness. What do you think?

K: Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the definition of humility I have used for a long time is this:

People With Humility
Don’t Think Less
Of Themselves;
They Just
Think Of Themselves Less

So, people who are humble feel good about themselves. They have a solid self-esteem. As Servant Leaders, they don’t need to take all the credit.

According to Collins, when things are going well for typical self-serving leaders, they look in the mirror, beat their chests, and tell themselves how good they are. When things go wrong, they look out the window and blame everyone else. On the other hand, when things go well for great leaders, they look out the window and give everybody else the credit. When things go wrong, these Servant Leaders look in the mirror and ask questions like, “What could I have done differently that would have allowed these people to be as great as they could be?” That requires real humility.

Another wonderful definition of humility comes from Fred Smith, author of You and Your Network:²⁰

People With Humility
Don’t Deny Their Power;
They Just Recognize
That It Passes Through Them,
Not From Them

C: It seems that too many people think that who they are is their position and the power it gives them. I don’t think that’s true. Your power doesn’t come from your position; it comes from the people whose lives you touch.

K: I learned that early in my life. My Father had a great impact on me. He retired as an admiral in the Navy and had a wonderful philosophy. I remember when I was elected president of the seventh grade and I came home all pumped up. My Father said, “Son, it’s great that you’re the president of the seventh grade, but now that you have that leadership position, don’t ever use it.” He said, “Great leaders are followed because people respect and trust them, not because they have position power.” That was a valuable lesson for me early on.

Humility leads beautifully into the sixth component of love, which is Unselfishness:

Love as unselfishness never seeks its own to the harm or disadvantage of others, or with the neglect of others. It often neglects its own for the sake of others; it prefers their welfare, satisfaction, and advantage to its own; and it ever prefers good of the community to its private advantage. It would not advance, aggrandize, enrich, or gratify itself at the cost and damage of the public.

C: On a corporate level, I demonstrate love as unselfishness by always trying to decide what is the best move for the overall well-being of the Company versus my own well-being, and when I can honestly say, “This is the right way to handle this situation, regardless of whether or not it is my traditional way of handling something similar.”

On a more personal level, I demonstrate love as unselfishness when I remain silent about issues or subjects that are just not worth the argument in the long run, and I allow People to keep their own beliefs intact. In other words, there is no loss to either party in terms of his or her own beliefs.

I am sure I have sometimes struggled to demonstrate love as unselfishness, but the only thing that comes to mind is when I was a young girl and might not have been unselfish when it came to my competitors for a young man’s heart !

K: Colleen, I think unselfishness is a journey. There’s nothing more self-centered than a baby. I never heard of one coming home from the hospital and saying, “Can I help around the house?” They let out a yell, and everybody’s on the run every which way. As any parent can attest, all children are naturally selfish; they have to be taught how to share. I think you finally become an adult when you realize you’re not here to get, but to give—to serve, not to be served.

That leads to the next characteristic of love, which is Good Temper:

Love as good temper restrains the passions and is not exasperated. It corrects a sharpness of temper and sweetens and softens attitudes. Love as good temper is never angry without a cause, and endeavors to confine the passions within proper limits. Anger cannot rest in the heart where love reigns. It is hard to be angry with those we love in good temper, but very easy to drop our resentments and be reconciled.

C: I am so passionate about my beliefs when it comes to People, LUV, Golden Rule behavior, and honesty, that sometimes I am short with people who don’t share those beliefs. So the Good Temper component is one more that is difficult for me to self-evaluate, because it is another of my weaknesses.

However, I think I do demonstrate love as good temper when I show love, patience, kindness, and courtesy, most especially to those who are really trying to do good in the world.

I struggle to demonstrate love as good temper and find myself impatient when I see folks who are just not “getting it” or who are making decisions to demonstrate their jurisdiction or authority just because they can—especially when they won’t listen to reason.

K: Having a bad temper is the one thing that can get us off of a loving track easier than anything else. So I think having good temper is a struggle we all have, Colleen. I ask people all the time, “Would you like to make the world a better place for having been here?” Everybody raises their hand. Then I say to them, “How many of you have a plan on how you’re going to do that?” Very few. Yet we all can make the world a better place through the moment-to-moment decisions we make as we interact with the people we come into contact with at work, at home, and in the community.²¹

Suppose as you leave your house one morning, someone yells at you. You have a choice: You can yell back, or you can hug the person and wish him or her a good day. Someone cuts you off on your way to work. You have a choice: Will you chase that person down and make an obscene gesture, or will you send a prayer toward the other car? We have choices all the time as we interact with other human beings. Good temper tames your judgmental nature and motivates you to reach out to support and encourage others. That’s where your power comes from.

C: And that’s what we hope motivates the Servant’s Heart in everyone at Southwest. The shift from self-serving leadership to leadership that serves others is motivated by a change in heart. And if you have a good role model like I had with my Mother and you with your Father, you get an early start on it in your life.

K: Number eight is your favorite, Colleen. It’s Guilelessness. I’ll have to admit I had never heard of that word either! But according to Henry Drummond:

Love as guilelessness thinks no evil, suspects no ill motive, sees the bright side, and puts the best construction on every action. It is grace for suspicious people. It cherishes no malice; it does not give way to revenge. It is not apt to be jealous and suspicious.

C: If that’s what it means, then I demonstrate love as guilelessness when I see the glass half full; when I acknowledge the positive contributions made by others; when I make heroes out of those who do selfless good deeds for the betterment of others; and when I find a way to best utilize a person’s strengths and minimize his or her weaknesses. I don’t think I really struggle with this component of love.

K: My wife, Margie, thinks that I am a guilelessness addict. I love to build other people up. That’s why I have so many coauthors! My Mother used to say, “Why don’t you write a book by yourself?” And I would say, “Mom, I already know what I know.” I love to bring the best out in other people. For my 70^th birthday party, I invited all of my coauthors, and almost fifty of them showed up. We had a wonderful day and a half celebrating the simple truths we have been trying to teach over the years.

C: That party was a ball. It’s right up there with our Halloween party!

K: Halloween party?

C: Your coauthors—I never met so many characters! But it was fun.

K: I would assume that that was sincere, Colleen. And that leads to our last component of love, which is Sincerity.

Love as sincerity takes no pleasure in doing injury or hurt to others or broadcasting their seeming miscues. It speaks only what is known to be true, necessary, and edifying. It bears no false witness and does not gossip. It rejoices in the truth.

C: I demonstrate love as sincerity when I tell People I love them; when I rejoice over their development and growth as Leaders and People; when I acknowledge (and thank them for) their worthwhile contributions; and when I compliment their actions, accomplishments, and successes. Because I seldom say things I don’t mean, I rarely struggle with this component.

K: I would agree, Colleen. I’ve never met anyone who was more of a straight shooter than you. Why don’t you tell me once more how you feel about being called The Love Manager?

C: Don’t get me started again, Ken!

K: I might be dumb, but I’m not stupid. Ha! Seriously, though, Colleen, you just motivated me to rate myself on each of those components.

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