Digital anthropology, simply defined, is the study of how internet-mediated communication via computer or mobile is impacting our culture and behaviour. This chapter looks at how social media and digital technology is changing us – for better or worse.

Over the past few years, as use of social media channels and the technology with which people access them have evolved, many practitioners have discussed the changes we have seen among ourselves, our workplaces, and our friends and families. As someone who works in social PR, I am not an anthropologist. An anthropologist undertakes significant, documented ethnographic research before commenting on cultural change.

Fortunately, many of these research reports are published and while the results are subjective they are useful. However, I would be doing the entire field of anthropology a disservice if I did not state my research methodology upfront with a hefty caveat. My commentary is based on extensive reading in this subject as well as observational, and in some instances practical, research to qualify my statements.

There are many areas where we have seen cultural shifts and will continue to see them, as our homes become smarter, technology fills the classroom, and our information and communication channels evolve. A whole book could be dedicated to discussing these changes; I will focus on the impact these changes are having on etiquette and relationships.

Etiquette – a definition

Etiquette, as defined by Wikipedia,²⁷ “is a code of behaviour that delineates expectations for social behaviour according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group”; whereas manners “involve a wide range of social interactions within cultural norms”. Let's restate this. Having good etiquette means meeting a certain social expectation where your manners fit the normal, accepted interactions within that society.

Growing up, perhaps you were taught how to be polite by saying please and thank you, placing a hand on your parent's shoulder to signal you are waiting for your turn to speak, opening doors for a lady, not disturbing others during the dinner hour or after 8pm, and giving your undivided attention when in the company of others. Of course, you may have grown up in a time that either pre-dated or saw the rollout of call waiting, dial-up, personal cellular devices and computers, and broadband internet. As technology advanced, many of the etiquette issues we see in society today can be linked to mobile use, social networking, FOMO (fear of missing out) and the need to always be on and connected.

Table manners – family, friends and business

If you were like me growing up, a typical family dinner was held at the kitchen/dining room table with the occasional night in front of the television together. There would be the discussion of the day, and you would wait until it was appropriate to ask to be excused. It would not have been acceptable to take a phone call during dinner and to talk at the table. Mum would frown at dad if work called. Dad would frown at child if a friend rang. “I'm sorry, I can't talk right now. I'll call you back after dinner” may have been the standard response.

Today, the statistics²⁸ for mobile ownership could indicate that many families have one phone per family member. Those phones may even be allowed at the table during dinner in some families. Look around you the next time you are in a restaurant and look at families with children. Many under the age of 15 likely have either an iPod or borrowed mobile and are playing games. This is today's busy activity for children at the table. Teens may be texting friends or playing games. Mum and dad may even grab their phones to settle an argument (apparently 27% of adults have done this, according to the Pew Internet Mobile Report). At home, are families unplugging and having family time or are we all so wrapped up with our work, school and social lives that the place setting is now fork > plate > knife > spoon > phone?

Certainly, among friends, more often than not you will have someone taking a call or messaging at some point during your lunch gathering. Again, look around the restaurant. Scan for a couple awkwardly looking at their phones, rather than each other; or find a group of friends and see how many have their phones in their hands. It has become the norm to have your mobile out on the table, face up, to ensure you see or hear each notification. It is nearly Pavlovian. We have been trained by the sound of chimes and crickets whirring, or the flash of light or pop-up window, to immediately look at the resulting message – despite the company we are in.

Even in business settings, when dining with clients or colleagues, has it become acceptable to use a mobile phone at the table? According to The Little Book of Etiquette,²⁹ when conducting business meals:

This piece of advice may have been true at the time of publishing (1996) when people had brick-sized Motorola StarTAKs, but truly, should our behaviour be any different now? Take this simple test by responding “yes” or “no” to each:

Now, before reading the answers, go back and look at questions 1, 2 and 4 and insert the idea of texting, tweeting or messaging in lieu of calling. Now, according to Sabath's key in her book Business Etiquette, if you answered “yes” to all four, you are “telecredible” and are likely perceived as rude by those around you. Three yeses and you annoy others. One or two, you are more civil than most. None, you are completely civil. Interestingly, the response to number four has a suggested personal distance of “at least two arms' lengths away from those around you”.

For those of you who responded with yeses to talking or messaging n the phone during business situations, think back to when you've been with your family or on a date or with your friends and see if your answers are the same. In my experience, more often than not mobile phones were visibly present at the [dinner] table; more often than not people who took calls in a public area were speaking loudly (more loudly than they probably realized); and of those I saw take a call at the table, none excused themselves.

Outside of business dinners where a certain amount of restraint and decorum are observed, how is it that these rules seem not to apply to family meals or friendly gatherings? This need to not miss anything, in addition to the need to document each moment (location check-in, mentioning who you're with on Twitter, posting a group photo to Facebook; foodspotting on Instagram, etc.) further demonstrates this shift in etiquette at the table, or out and about more generally with others. It has become acceptable to split our attention between those in the room and those we are communicating with digitally as our “time is not spent with others, [rather] it is spent for others”.³¹

Attention span and absentee attendance

Think back to the last event you attended where there was a special speaker. Did you have a pen and paper, or were you using a mobile/tablet/laptop to take notes? Did you also have your email open? How about Twitter? Facebook? How tuned in to the speaker were you?

With the addition of hashtags and tweet-walls that show the online conversation during events, do we find that it enhances participation and listening for that clever, tweetable sound-bite? Or are we distracted by it, and all the other open connections we have going? Can we not just pay attention to the person on the floor anymore?

Certainly, parents, you would want your child paying attention in class. After all, you want them to have an education and put away their phone. Facebooking and texting during class are today's doodling and passing notes.

Put yourself in the speaker's shoes for a moment. Time and thought has gone into preparing a presentation, which people are presumably interested in hearing. You take the stage and click the mouse as you narrate each slide. As you speak, you survey the audience and try to count the eyeballs you can actually see. If you were the first speaker, you might have been lucky, but after lunch, you're lucky if 1/3 of the room is still actively listening.

In a profession that preaches active listening, we seem to suck at it IRL. We listen with our eyes online and our ears offline, but not with the same kind of care and attention we once demonstrated. Now, speakers have to build better stories, have flashier graphics and get interactive with their audience (even if you must bribe with cupcakes as I may have done before). Those tactics aren't a bad thing, but if your bum is filling a seat, why is it so hard to focus?

Having a connected device spreads our attention. Many social media types would like to think they can listen, tweet, like, RT, reply to an email, look up and clap on cue and still walk away from an event having gotten what they paid for with that one golden nugget of awesome. Perhaps it's true, but have wifi and mobile technology turned us into multitaskers with short attention spans? I'd say yes, and not only at the professional level but at the school/university level as well where “some instructors see the availability of wireless in the classroom as a challenge to teaching and learning; students with mobile devices may not be giving their full attention to the class activities …”.³² Are our online lives more important than the offline moment we are experiencing?

Etiquette – breaking up

My final point about the changes in etiquette due to technology and social media brings us to that sad and uncomfortable discussion starting with the seemingly innocent phrase “I think we need to talk”. Breaking up is hard to do, no matter what the situation. It involves confrontation, a myriad of feelings, likely some tears, and many people would rather avoid it altogether if they could.

Most of us would still say that, despite the difficulties, it's respectful to do it in person. Perhaps that's because the idea of what's right has been passed down by generations before, when people didn't have phones or a “Dear John” letter was as good as it got for those who couldn't do the deed in person. Today, texting is the modern-day version, and it's not considered any better now than a “Dear John” letter was then.

Even more cowardly is passively informing your partner it's over by changing your relationship status on Facebook. Our children may never know what it's like to be looked in the eye while telling or being told by someone that things aren't working out. People are texting, tweeting, changing statuses, unfriending, unfollowing, blocking and deleting to break up. In fact, if you want to take the public way out and you're not sure what to say or how to share your break-up feelings, you can search online for a bank of tweets and posts to reference.³³

If this tendency for online cowardice and humiliation isn't enough, there is another issue in break-up protocol and it's not just whether to break up online or offline, but rather which online medium is best. There is a growing trend in break-ups – one that I claim more research from online and “I have a friend who …” stories rather than personal experience – where whole dramas are aired online for all to see. It could be a long thread on Facebook or watching two social media darlings trade remarks before issuing statements of their singlehood and mutual respect. Pro-tip: don't change your relationship status on Facebook to announce you're single post-break, but instead hide that status completely.

If 1 in 5 relationships are started online,³⁴ it doesn't mean they should be ended in the same way. According to a MSNBC Survey³⁵ in 2012, 48% of break-ups in online relationships happen by email. That allows for a significantly longer message than Berger's Twitter-length Post-it note message that causes cringing among Sex in the City watchers. “I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me.” Breaking up is just one of the many relationship areas where communicating via social media or digital device is changing our behaviour and rewriting the rules of what is seen as acceptable etiquette.

With the changes in table manners, attention spans and relationships, one can already see the big shifts in etiquette in our culture. The very devices and communication platforms with so much promise for bonding and sharing information are actually altering our behaviour and making us forget our manners. As Miller and Horst say, “… perhaps the most astonishing feature of digital culture is not this speed of technical innovation but rather the speed by which society takes all of these for granted and creates normative conditions for their use.”³⁶ We just have to decide whether we will continue to accept it and re-write the rules of etiquette.

Biography

Kate Matlock (@katematlock) is a digital strategist at Ketchum in London working with consumer and corporate clients providing social content, consultation and education. Prior to joining the world of social PR, Kate completed her MA at Central Saint Martins where she studied whether trust can be enhanced through better design of online profiles. Kate is an advisory board member for Social Media Week London and regularly speaks about online dating, identity and personas.