25
The Pressure Cooker
Control, Capability, and Connection
If you focus on and keep telling people how stressed you are, not only will you be right, but you will stress them out as well.
Stress isn’t going anywhere. It will be with you for the rest of your life and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Stress used to be something that literally debilitated me; now, with the right mindset, it’s something that motivates me. I’d actually go as far as to say that I enjoy a little pressure and stress. Now trust me, it took me a long time and a lot of work on myself to get there. I was such a worrier that I had stomach pains and my parents brought me to a specialist. I remember drinking a pink shake so they could try to figure out why my stomach was always upset. After a good amount of discussion with a pediatrician, they decided to talk to my kindergarten teacher. What they found was that I was a very anxious little boy. I was so anxious that I would hide under the table in school. Why did I hide under the table? I hid because my teacher would yell at other kids and I was always worried that I would be next. What’s my point? I was just a nervous kid and being too nervous can be debilitating.
The pressure and stress we all feel is very real. What is even more real is our ability to counter the stress with some skills and strategies. I can remember working with the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Many CEOs are high caliber, Ivy League, brilliant people, as he was. When my first and pointed piece of advice to him was to exercise and have stress management strategies, he was not happy. He was so unhappy that he reached out to my boss and let it be known that he did not find his feedback conversation helpful.
It was my job to provide him with feedback from his employees. There were all types of feedback on his command and control style, his business strategy, how he was running the company, etc. Of all the things that people said about him, there was one thing that stood out: pressure. He was not seen as someone who could handle pressure and stress. No one wants to follow someone who can’t handle pressure. As pressure goes up, people go back to their default style, and if your default style is command and control, it can create an atmosphere that no one wants to be around.
One day I was watching the news in relation to riots. I heard a woman say, “You can only put so much pressure in a pressure cooker before it blows up.” I thought that was a profound statement. Some pressure helps us perform, but too much pressure brings us to a breaking point or at least to a point where our performance and productivity decreases. It’s important to keep in mind that not all stress and pressure is bad. It’s the chronic day after day stress that gets to us with time and has a negative impact. There is an old story about a frog and a pan of water. The story goes that a frog hopped into a pan of very hot water and immediately jumped out. That’s what we would all call acute stress. Another time, the frog was sitting in a pan of cool water on a stove. The water slowly heated up until it was too hot for the frog to survive. That is called chronic stress. When things happen with time and become a norm, we aren’t aware of how they impact us. That’s why it’s so important to be aware of your stress signals and have stress strategies.
Stress is a big part of all of our lives and affects us all in different ways. Three decades ago, stress was not a common expression at all. However, in today’s fast-paced business world, the word “stress” is as common as the words Facebook or Gmail. Stress affects all of us on a daily basis in a variety of settings; but what is stress? For our purposes, we’ll define stress as anything that is perceived as a threat to one’s well-being and elicits a physiological and psychological response. The word perceived is key and the most important word in this definition. I have come to realize in my life that perception is nine-tenths of the law, and just by being aware of this, my life has changed drastically for the better.
Stress comes from many places. There are three core sources of stress. Most of our stress comes from a perceived lack of control, lack of capability, and lack of connection. As you directly and intentionally build your skill sets in these three areas, it will naturally build your confidence. The higher your confidence, the more effective buffer you have to all types of stress.
Simple Success Strategy: Control, Capability, and Connection
The best way to combat stress is to face the core three sources of stress (lack of control, capability, and connection) head on. There are passive stress management techniques and active stress management techniques. An example of passive stress management would be watching a television show. An active stress management technique would be exercising, doing deep breathing, or visualization.
Active stress management techniques are more effective because you are creating your focus and you are getting your body involved with helping you buffer the impact of stress. In my work with athletes, we spent a lot of time helping people understand their body and mind connection. They work in sync. If you relax your body, it relaxes your mind and vice versa. The opposite is also true; if you stress out your mind, you will stress out your body. There is also a business case for stress. It is very difficult to be strategic and think of the big picture if you are stressed.
Control
When people perceive they don’t have control over a situation, or even other people, it can be stressful. The most interesting aspect of this cause of stress is that, in reality, we have control over very little. One of the only things we do have control over is how we respond to situations and people. The most effective strategy related to control is very simple. Take a piece of paper and fold it in half lengthwise. On the left side at the top, write “Can’t Control” and on the right side at the top, write “Can Control.” When times are tough and there is stress, this simple strategy will help you categorize what you can control and what is out of your control. The intention is to spend your time and focus on the things that you can control.
Capability
When a task or role exceeds your perceived ability to succeed, it causes stress. As pressure goes up, so does your performance, but if there is so much pressure that it rattles your confidence to deliver, it creates more stress. The key is to continue to build your capability and skills. Let’s focus on one skill related to managing stress. Then you can continue to build your capability by adding new skills you learn.
One skill is visualization. Right now we are talking about visualization as a tool to reduce stress and relax. This is different than when I was walking you through how to use vision in relation to success in Chapter 21. In Chapter 21, the focus was related to driving action, and now it is about creating relaxation. Visualization isn’t for everyone. Actually, when I was being trained in imagery and visualization for my work with athletes, I was a skeptic. Now I’m all in and I practice and teach it all the time. When you visualize, you connect your mind and body to a desired performance. Effective visualization starts with a foundation of deep breathing to clear your mind and relax yourself. There are several effective deep-breathing strategies that are easily accessible via iTunes or just a Google search away. It’s important to take breathing exercises slowly and breathe deeply from your diaphragm and stomach area rather than short sharp breaths from your chest. If you become light-headed at any time, stop the breathing exercise.
The way I practice deep breathing is to take a deep inhale as I slowly count to eight. Then I exhale to a count of eight or until I have completely exhaled. I repeat that slowly a few times while saying to myself, I am confident, I am comfortable, I am capable. Then, once I feel relaxed and I’m in a pattern of effective breathing, I incorporate some visualization. I choose to visualize myself on a boat looking out at the horizon. When you visualize, you want to try and include as many of your senses as possible. In my example, I include what the breeze feels like on my arms, what the heat of the sun feels like on my skin, what the smell of salt water smells like, what I see in the distance, and what I am feeling and thinking. The more specific and detailed you can be, the more effective it is. Just keep breathing deeply and saying relaxing things to yourself.
It is good to practice this a few times a week for 20 minutes at a time. It’s just like any other skill; the more you practice it, the better you will be at it, and the more rewards you will reap. In order to prepare for this, make a list of your “happy place” and describe it in detail. Again, visualization isn’t for everyone, but I have seen it decrease people’s level of stress and increase people’s ability to perform under pressure.
Connection
In research that I conducted with the nonprofit Hold the Door for Others (Fazio and Fazio, 2006), we found that the most critical factor in helping people navigate stressful or adverse situations was other people. Social support is a tremendous resource, especially in times of stress. The more meaningful connections you can build, the more opportunities you will have to talk through your stressors and get support. Sometimes, just by talking through what pressure you are under helps you figure it out. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of knowing that you have some people on your team to support you.
Your Stress Strategy
It’s important to be intentional and have a plan. Expect stress to be part of your life and it will have less power over you. The following are some guiding questions and statements to help you take an active approach to managing stress:
→ Describe a stressful situation that you would like to work on.
→ How has this stressor affected you thus far?
→ What have you done thus far to deal with this stressor?
→ List three stress strategies that you can use for this stressor.
→ Pick one that you will use for a week.
→ Who can support and challenge you to ensure you are applying this technique and sticking with it?
→ Write three reasons why you will be able to effectively deal with this stressor.
→ When will you start?
Now you have some strategies to counter stress that, if utilized, may assist you in stopping stress before it stops you. Remember, these techniques are ineffective unless you apply them to your everyday life before, during, and after work. I challenge each of you today, regardless of what your occupation is, to make an honest effort to find and commit to at least one technique you feel comfortable using. Practice this technique for two weeks and see if you notice any differences in your attitude, levels of stress, and/or physical well-being. Once you master a skill, add a new one.
“It’s better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it.” This is the advice from Master Lawrence Whitaker of the Urban Defense Center in Philadelphia. He holds a 6th Degree Black Belt in the Mongolian Kempo and Naphtali martial arts systems, among many other impressive credentials. His principle of preparation holds true for physical and emotional challenges. If you are prepared, challenge, pressure, and stress have less of a chance of having a negative impact on you.
Each person determines his or her daily amount of stress, and I’m determined to help you help yourself lower that amount. Something that was personally very helpful to me with managing my stress was that I made it a mission of mine to become an expert on managing stress and performing under pressure with confidence. It was a long road, but I know that control, capability, and connection paved the way.