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Interpersonal Action: SAE Accountability

ONCE YOU HAVE DONE the preparation described in the previous chapter, you are ready to learn what to do when an SAE happens. We believe that there are many complex and sometimes competing factors that influence whether one chooses to speak up about SAE, especially in the workplace. However, we also believe that most often, if there is a possibility of a productive conversation without negative repercussions, the best course of action is to speak up. This chapter will describe some basic guidelines for best practices—speaking up in a way that holds people accountable with productive, open, and civil conversations. We call this the SAE accountability system.

We have distilled the basic guidelines down into action steps for speaking up for SAE accountability, depending on what role you played in the SAE interaction. Were you the initiator, the subject, or the observer? The following sections give some guidelines to follow depending on your specific role.

Please note that no matter what your role tends to be in SAE interactions, it will be helpful for you to read the guidelines for all three roles. That is, first, because you will sometimes find yourself in different roles, and so you should be familiar with all the guidelines. Second, it will help the interaction go smoother if you know what the expectations are for the other roles as well. One best practice is for organizations themselves to set the ground rules. This will be discussed in more depth in chapter 4. The basic idea is that organizations can set the conditions for these conversations to succeed by providing a common language, training, and practice for all leaders and employees so they can be on the same page. When everyone is on the same page for SAE accountability, the discussions can go much easier because people get in the habit of reacting in productive ways together—whether they are the initiators, the subjects, or the observers.

GUIDELINES FOR SPEAKING UP AS THE SAE SUBJECT OR OBSERVER:

1.  Pause the action.

2.  Assume good intent.

3.  Explain why the action was paused.

4.  Have patience but expect progress.

GUIDELINES FOR RESPONDING AS THE SAE INITIATOR:

1.  Acknowledge the feedback with gratitude.

2.  Replace defensiveness with curiosity and empathy.

3.  Follow through and follow up.

Guidelines for Speaking Up as the Subject or Observer

In this section, we go into depth for each of the guidelines for SAE subjects and observers. While we acknowledge openly that following all these guidelines may not be possible every time, they do represent best practices for productive conversations that have tangible benefits. We have grouped the guidelines for the subject and the observer together because they will both be in the position of speaking up and giving feedback to the initiator. Where relevant, we describe slightly different nuances for those two roles.

Guideline 1: Pause the Action

The most critical guideline is pausing the action. Most SAE continue to occur because subjects and observers get stuck trying to figure out what to say, and by the time they have some ideas, the moment has passed and they just let it go. Or people spend some time trying to assess whether they have the emotional energy for turning a casual conversation into a very different kind of conversation, and again by the time they decide, the moment has passed. These are both reasonable deliberations that people have. First, it is hard to know what to say. That’s the very nature of subtle acts of exclusion! Second, when speaking up about SAE, the initiator often reacts negatively. They often feel embarrassed or defensive. And subjects or observers are hesitant to give feedback, anticipating that negative reaction. Coauthor Baran often tells a story about one time he expected that it might not go so negatively:

One time I was taking a yoga class. It’s not something I regularly do (though I wish I did have the time to do it more!). The yoga instructor kept telling the class to really push the stretch, to really feel it, “to not gyp ourselves.” She kept repeating that idea for ninety minutes—that we should not “gyp” ourselves, meaning that we shouldn’t cheat ourselves, but should really give it full effort. You’ve all probably heard that word before in various contexts. People may say, “Don’t gyp me,” meaning “Don’t cheat me” or “Don’t short me.” Most people don’t know that the word comes from a derogatory way of referencing gypsies (itself considered a derogatory word by some). We don’t hear the word “gypsy” much in the United States, and I really think people have no idea where it comes from.

Nonetheless, it was really grating on me, so I decided to say something afterward to the yoga teacher. I gave a lot of context, saying, “There’s something you were saying that I wanted to let you know about. It’s something really obscure that I only know because I do diversity and inclusion work for a living. I’m sure no one else even noticed, and I’m sure you don’t know this either. But this word, gyp, is historically a negative reference to a group of people, and maybe you could say something neutral like ‘Don’t cheat yourself’ instead.”

Maybe it was the post-yoga endorphins, but I was sort of expecting that at least in this one particular context, my speaking up would go really well. I figured she would say something like, “Wow, I had no idea. Thanks so much for bringing that up; sure won’t say that again.” And then we’d tell each other “namaste” or something like that and all would be well. Of course, that’s not how it went. She didn’t react aggressively or defensively, but she seemed mortified, avoided looking me in the eye, and as soon as possible just turned and walked out of the room. So it didn’t feel good to me. But I bet she doesn’t use that word anymore. And if we were coworkers, there would be more work we’d have to do together to make sure our working relationship remained intact.

Because most people are not diversity and inclusion experts like the authors, it’s important to think of something simple that can be said to pause the action when an SAE happens. When an organization is training everyone in the SAE accountability system, everyone can agree ahead of time on something simple that people can say that simply pauses the action and signals that an SAE discussion is going to take place. We find that something very simple like, “Hold up,” or “Hold on,” or even “Pause” can be effective.

When everyone is agreed on the same word, it can be especially effective. For example, author and diversity and inclusion consultant Leslie Aguilar suggests that people speak up by using something as simple as “Ouch.”¹ Coauthor Baran has suggested to some small organizations that they say “Yellow card,” using the metaphor of a yellow card in soccer as a way to enter these conversations. These can work when everyone is trained on what to say, because they are a little unusual in everyday conversation. When you are just an individual following the guidelines without institutional support, you’ll need to choose something more immediately understandable, like “Hold on.”

No matter what you decide as an individual, a facilitator, or an organization, make it something that people will be able to say right in the moment, before they realize what they even want to say about it. Finally, it is also important to note that anyone can pause the action. It could be the subject of the SAE, the observer, or even the initiator. The authors have seen cases where as soon as the words leave someone’s mouth, they realize it was not a good thing to say and they stop the action themselves.

Coauthor Baran found himself doing that, calling himself out, while facilitating a workshop on unconscious bias:

During the discussion, a white person was telling a story about their also-white boss who used the N-word during a meeting they were having. I asked, “Was that the first time he did it?” And as soon as it left my mouth, I realized that I had assumed that the offender was male. In my head, I think it was less because of unconscious bias that the boss would necessarily be male and more of an assumption that a male would be more likely to use the N-word. Either way, it wasn’t right, and I called it right out in front of the workshop. By doing that, I was inadvertently able to underscore the point I was trying to make that all of us have unconscious bias and all of us say things we shouldn’t!

Observers, in particular, may feel hesitant to pause the action because they may feel as if they are not directly involved. The SAE was not directed at them, and they may feel as though it’s none of their business. We want to underscore the point mentioned earlier in the book that observers play a key role in speaking up about SAE and becoming allies. Observers might want to give some context when they do speak up to explain to both the initiator and the subject why they are speaking up. They could say something like, “Hi, this might sound strange coming from me. I know you weren’t even talking to me and that I wasn’t really involved in that interaction. But I overheard, and I am following a system where I speak up every time I hear something that feels as if it might be excluding someone.” Then observers can follow the rest of the guidelines.

Guideline 2: Assume Good Intent

For better or worse, we live in a culture that is largely “call out” rather than “call in.”² People point out things that others do and say while also implying that the offender is essentially a racist/sexist/homophobe or, at the least, uncaring and potentially ignorant. Some have called this a “toxic call-out culture” in which people almost compete to demonstrate to others how woke they are.³ They make others feel bad and stupid for not knowing that certain things are wrong. They do not assume good intent.

While we can appreciate that people are often fed up with SAE and other injustices and that there are times when a strong call-out is exactly what is needed, we find that for the most part, the callout culture is not a productive way to go about things, especially in the workplace. In the first place, we all have unconscious bias of some sort. That doesn’t make us bad people, it makes us human. That’s important for people to remember as they call out biases in other people. And in the second place, calling someone out as a bad person is unproductive for pointing out a specific action that person took, helping them understand why it was a problem, and really improving that person’s future behavior. As such, we prefer to think of speaking up in terms of “calling people in” to a conversation.

The majority of people want to be good people and have good intentions. Coauthor Jana likes to add levity to this idea by asking the groups they facilitate, “Who came here today with the goal of pissing people off on purpose?” And inviting people to raise their hands by throwing a hand up first. Sometimes folks will jokingly play along and raise their hands, thereby extending the joke. Jana subsequently summarizes the intent of the bit by pointing out that none of us really woke up that day hoping to rub people the wrong way. Then people are invited to remember the thought exercise as the day moves on and asked to assume good intent if their peace is at any point disturbed.

Speaking up about SAE will go most productively if people assume good intent in others, whether it’s the person who initiated the SAE or the observer or the subject. This applies to any situation, whether it’s during a specific facilitation or just in one’s daily life. As discussed previously, the SAE initiator will often feel attacked when someone pauses the action because of something they said or did. The subject or observer can try to put them at ease by saying things like, “I know you didn’t mean anything by this,” “I know you probably don’t know,” “I know you were just trying to be curious.” Assuming good intent and talking about things people did or said rather than their character is critical for more productive conversations. When we assume that people’s characters are fundamentally good and that their intents are also good, we can have discussions that aren’t as threatening.

Guideline 3: Explain Why the Action Was Paused

After the action is paused with the simple phrase you have decided on, the person who paused it can explain why they did so. You may know exactly why you paused the action, because it’s something you’ve experienced a lot, overheard a lot, or thought about a lot. Or you may not know exactly why you paused things, especially if you are an observer speaking up as an ally. If you are the subject of the SAE, it may be that the SAE made you feel bad. You can explain why it made you feel bad using the framework described in chapter 1. Hopefully that gives you even more clear words to use to explain what the SAE implicitly communicated to you. For example, you could say, “I know you didn’t mean it, but when you asked where I was really from, it made me feel as if I didn’t belong here.”

If you are attempting to speak up as an ally, it’s more complicated because it might not have made you personally feel undervalued, and you may not know if the SAE made the other person feel as bad as you think it did. As such, you may qualify what you say: “I know you didn’t mean it that way, and I’m not even sure if X person interpreted it that way, but it sounds to me as though it’s subtly communicating that that person is not normal.”

It may be that the SAE has made an assumption that shouldn’t have been made. It may be that the person who spoke up doesn’t really know why the SAE was a problem but something just didn’t feel right about it. Those cases provide excellent opportunities for calling people in. You may say something like, “Hold up. I know you didn’t mean anything bad by that, but something about it doesn’t feel quite right. Can we think about this together?”

Guideline 4: Have Patience but Expect Progress

We want to acknowledge that we are asking a lot of people when they speak up. We are asking you to start what is bound to be a difficult conversation. We are also asking you to open yourself up for potential negative repercussions. And we are asking you to keep a level head about it when it is likely something that is extremely personal and emotional. That can be one of the most challenging aspects to following these guidelines. You might have the same SAE happen to you dozens (or hundreds!) of times. It keeps happening, and you may be sick of it. Yet, the latest initiator might never have gotten the feedback that what they said was a problem.

Because SAE conversations can be sensitive and emotional, you also must be in tune with your own readiness for the conversation. As the subject, especially, you may find that you are not in an emotional state that allows for an SAE discussion. That is extremely common, especially as you have these conversations perhaps for the first time. If that is the case, don’t be afraid to ask for the time you need. For example, if you were the subject of the SAE and you speak up about it, you may be understandably upset. You might want to say, “Hold up. I know you didn’t mean it like this, but what you just said really upset me. I need a little time to get to a place where I can discuss it with you. Can we meet for coffee tomorrow?” This allows the person who speaks up to be able to have patience with that initiator, which is important for productive conversations.

Patience, however, only lasts so long. When we give that initiator the gift of feedback, we expect progress in return. We don’t expect them to get everything right 100 percent of the time, but we do expect that they will follow their own guidelines and we expect that they will make an effort to improve their behavior around that SAE. If that progress is not made, especially at work, you may justifiably have to escalate the feedback to an HR department or some agreed-upon third party.

Guidelines for Responding as the SAE Initiator

In the following section we provide guidelines for the person who says or does the subtle act of exclusion. We have all played this role at some point in our lives. When it next happens to you (and it will), if you follow the guidelines, you will find that you have a great deal of agency to make the interaction go well. It’s not easy, but it can be incredibly gratifying.

Guideline 1: Acknowledge the Feedback with Gratitude

If you are the person that said or did the SAE, it’s helpful to see someone giving you feedback as a wonderful chance to improve your behaviors around inclusion. That person has given you a gift. They spoke up, even though it was hard, in an effort for you both to make the world a better place. Conversations like these and feedback like this provide us all with opportunities to grow, to know more about our coworkers, and to create more inclusion for the organization.

It’s helpful to explicitly acknowledge the discussion with gratitude. The subject or observer may feel worried that they are going to be perceived as stirring up trouble or being too sensitive. They can be put at ease by the initiator, who might say something like, “Thank you so much for speaking up about this.” You may be thinking that this will come across as fake, because deep down you are embarrassed or feel defensive. However, if you get in the mindset of gratitude and get in the practice of acknowledging even critical feedback like this, it can really start to feel natural and the appreciation can be genuine.

Guideline 2: Replace Defensiveness with Curiosity and Empathy

Recall that when people speak up about SAE that occurred, they are trying to help us improve and be even more inclusive. They are not trying to call us out to make us feel bad. In that spirit, we should approach those conversations as opportunities to learn rather than feeling the need to defend. And it’s critical to underscore that SAE are never about intent. That bears repeating. SAE are never about intent. So if you find yourself getting feedback about something you did, you should not try to clarify your intent (which is assumed to be good). Instead, listen to what the other person is saying and think about the impact that it had on them.

As described previously, when people are busy defending their own actions, it is much more difficult for them to truly hear someone else. We recognize that defensiveness is a common reaction to being called out for an SAE and that is why we prefer the language of calling in. Reacting non-defensively takes a lot of practice. The initiator of an SAE usually wants to explain their intent (to get to know the person, to be funny, to bond, etc.).

At this specific moment when the action has been paused, we train people to think about impact rather than intent. To truly hear the impact that an SAE might have caused, we have to be actively listening. That doesn’t mean that there will always be acceptance of the observer’s or subject’s opinion. Disagreements sometimes happen. But in the moment when the SAE is first being discussed, all parties agree to not be defensive, and ideally they have practiced this reaction through trainings.

To approach the SAE conversation more productively, it’s helpful to replace defensiveness with more positive mental states. Going into the conversation with curiosity about other people’s experiences and empathy for their perspective is incredibly helpful. There are several simple practices that can help you actively listen without defensiveness. First, put yourself in a listening and learning mindset. If you are the person who initiated the SAE, your initial goal is not to explain anything about why you said it. Your only goal is to hear the other person.

Second, you can engage in simple behaviors to make the listening active and to help the other person feel heard. Consider any mix of the following:

▶   Ask follow-up questions, trying to better understand.

▶   Paraphrase what the other person is saying.

▶   Look the other person in the eye and make sure your body language is open.

▶   Refrain from interrupting and make sure that you are not looking at your cell phone or smartwatch. Seriously, if your phone is in your hand, put it in your pocket so you are not tempted.

▶   If your laptop is open, close it.

Research shows that those little gestures can make people feel more valued in your interactions with them.

If you were the person receiving feedback because you said something that was an SAE, realistically, you too might find yourself feeling too upset and defensive to have a good conversation about it.

In that case, you can say something like, “Thank you for speaking up about this. I’m feeling as though I am not going to be able to have a great conversation about this now. But it’s really important to me. Can we come back to this tomorrow, maybe lunchtime?” If you say something like this, it’s essential to really come back to it rather than using it as an excuse to put it off indefinitely.

There may be other times when you logistically just don’t have the time for a conversation about subtle acts of exclusion. You may have a meeting coming up in a few minutes. You may have a big deliverable due soon. It’s important that rather than trying to rush through a conversation in the moment, you schedule a time when you can devote your full attention to it. The benefit of taking this time to think is not only being more emotionally ready for the conversation or having the time to discuss, but also giving everyone a chance to do some research and talk to others and process their thoughts. It gives you a chance to think about what the other person is feeling and to really approach the conversation with empathy and gratitude.

When you can actively listen with enough time, it accomplishes two things. It helps you really understand better what the impact was of what you said. You can focus on that without worrying about how you are going to defend. But also, it makes the other person feel heard, which is critical for building inclusion. These active listening behaviors are great practice for any conversation, but for emotionally charged ones like those around SAE, they are essential.

Take some time and practice these skills during regular interactions with coworkers, family members, or friends. You will likely notice immediate results—that people feel great when you do it. Develop those habits with low stakes interactions, and then you will be ready for the more challenging conversations.

Guideline 3: Follow Through and Follow Up

If you had to put off finishing the conversation, make sure to come back to it. It is more important than you think. If the SAE happened at work, it’s easy to think circling back is not critical for the job, but building trust and inclusion is essential for collaboration and creating an inclusive culture, which have a direct impact on the core business objectives. Closing the loop on SAE is not just the right interpersonal thing to do but is also important for the job.

After the conversation is done, it’s essential to follow through with what you heard. If someone told you that they prefer a different pronoun from the one you have been using, make sure you put in the effort to use the one they prefer. You don’t have to get it right every time, but you must try and you must make progress getting better at it. If a deaf person speaking to you through a sign-language interpreter has told you it makes him feel bad when you look at the interpreter but not at him, then make the effort to do it differently next time. Value the feedback and adjust accordingly. People don’t expect you to be perfect, but if they have put themselves out by giving you that feedback, they expect you to try.

In addition to trying to adjust your behavior, it is also important to explicitly follow up with everyone involved—subjects and observer(s). Ideally this would be done in person or by phone, as we all know it’s difficult to ensure accurate interpretation of emotion through email or text. Email and text can be part of the follow-up strategy but should not be the only component. The follow up shows others that they are valued and that the relationship is important. It can be something as simple as, “Hey, again, I wanted to thank you for speaking up about [fill in the SAE blank].”

Throughout this chapter, we have alluded to the benefits of having productive conversations around subtle acts of exclusion. To summarize, we have seen that direct benefits include the following:

▶   Increased feelings of inclusion for people with marginalized identities. People will feel valued and heard when SAE are addressed in a productive way. That feeling is critical, not only for individual people’s happiness and satisfaction, but also for workplace productivity.

▶   More trust among everyone. Trust is essential for teams to be high functioning. It makes it so that people are able to be vulnerable with one another, to communicate openly with one another, to ask for help when they need it, to offer critical feedback when that is needed, and so much more. And the benefits of building trust around SAE will transfer to build trusting relationships more broadly.

▶   More collaboration across organizations. When trust is built and inclusion is increased, organizations will truly be able to reap the benefits of diverse teams with increased collaboration.

▶   Improved ability to give feedback on other issues. When people practice SAE accountability and can give and receive feedback on some of the most challenging and sensitive issues, they also learn skills that help in giving feedback about other issues. This is critical for teams to achieve maximum performance.

▶   A culture of transparency, interpersonal civility, and accountability. Cultures can sometimes take on lives of their own. When a culture around SAE accountability is started, it can organically work to feed and foster a more productive culture in general.

The responsibility for having productive conversations like this falls on everyone, at work or outside of it, no matter which role you played in the subtle act of exclusion. Nonetheless, there are some institutional practices and policies that can support the conversations in a way that sets them up for success. In the following chapter, we will explain what can be done institutionally to move toward an overall “speak up” culture where people are open, honest, and trusting about these important issues.