10
The Right Way (and Wrong Way) to Support Each Other
How to Avoid Sabotage, Take Advantage of Reward Systems, and Become a Closer Family While You Become a Healthier One
It’s funny how you remember certain things from your childhood. For example, I had a skinny, chain-smoking aunt who would ask me every time I saw her: “So, when are you going to drop those extra pounds, honey?”
She’d say it so casually that it became her opening comment at every greeting, but those casual words cut through me like a knife. Sometime after my weight loss, I had a family wedding to attend. I credit my mother because, even on our very tight budget, she convinced Dad to splurge and let me buy a dress worthy of my new figure. I couldn’t wait to wear the dress and have my aunt see the new me.
When she finally recognized me, I’ll never forget what she said: “Honey, what happened to you? You look like one of those starving African refugees.”
My mouth just dropped open. I learned a very important lesson in that moment—make lifestyle changes for yourself. Don’t ever make them for others or for their feedback (it will often disappoint). It’s not about them, it’s about you—your health, your happiness.
The truth is that I didn’t get a great deal of healthy support when I was a kid struggling with my weight, but today my job is supporting people as they work toward changing their lifestyles. As I’ve worked with many different kinds of families, I’ve seen how important family support is—and I’ve also seen every possible form of family sabotage.
Most families who have food fights—and I don’t mean the kind where you’re tossing food across the room—live in very stressful, unpleasant environments. When a child or adult is struggling with weight, and everyone is pointing fingers (even out of love)—instructing him or her what to eat, what not to eat, and even humiliating them—it’s a gruesome experience for everyone.
When every mouthful is being scrutinized and every treat indicted, the home becomes a battlefield. As the well-intentioned family members are ganging up (because that’s how it feels to the person trying to change), the target of their attention is wondering: “Why do you get to eat one way and I have to live this miserable existence?” Often, the negative attention creates frustration and defiance that aggravate the very behaviors the person wants to change.
Nothing feels worse than thinking, “I’m all alone, they’re all against me, no one gets what I’m going through.” One of the most challenging aspects of family weight management is that family members aren’t all the same: some are more genetically blessed and so can eat in much the same way as the more weight-challenged individual without the consequences of their poor health habits showing up as extra weight.
The worst thing that can happen is for families to make weight-challenged individuals feel even more isolated than they already do by adopting different standards for different family members. Nor is
it kind to keep the pantry one way for the skinny people and expect the person struggling with weight issues to just deal with it.
Rule #1 of HFL Family Support: We are all in this together. Everyone in the family can benefit, everyone can change, everyone needs to support each other for the individual and the greater good—even though everyone will have distinct goals to set and meet.
There are some things a supportive HFL family does not do:
• Isolate an individual’s needs
• Denigrate individual members
• Tempt each other
• Battle over food
• Refuse to take the time to incorporate changes slowly
• Reject attempts to find solutions creatively
• Continue on an unhealthy lifestyle path rather than embrace possibilities
A supportive HFL family addresses problems very differently:
• Recognizes individual goals and works together
• Recognizes the weight loss struggle with empathy and supportive words
• Responds in a reasonable way to each other’s needs
• Works on new and easy menu plans creatively
• Works on planning, preparing, playing, and portioning out together
• Knows how to celebrate without food always being at the center of the celebration
• Enjoys treats with respect and timing
• Makes the effort to be active both individually and together
• Eats together as often as possible
Threatening the Status Quo
A recent study1 showed a link between your weight and that of your closest friends. According to the study, people who associate with heavy people tend to “gain weight as well.” It might be that we think,
“If they’re okay with their weight, then it’s okay for me to let loose, gain weight, and be large, too,” or “If they are successful and like me and are large, then I’ll be like them, too—in every way.” Although the connection is unclear, one thing is certain: peer pressure is powerful in most groups; when one or more people break away from the typical behaviors of the group, it can be threatening. Your friends may feel you are judging their behaviors because you are choosing to change.
The same holds true with family, where you don’t just share habits and experiences, you share genes. Breaking with family norms for eating and exercise often leads to negative reactions and sabotage rather than support.
So how can you break through bad habits and suggest or encourage change in your family? The trick is to stay positive and avoid negative judgments or overtones. Now, let’s agree that a “reality check” is not equal to criticism. A doctor pointing out that you are seriously overweight is not a criticism, it’s a fact. When your wife points out that your pants are four sizes larger than when you got married, it may feel really confrontational, but it is also the truth. On the other hand, slapping someone’s hand as they reach for an extra serving of pie is humiliating, as is any comment that judges or labels someone unkindly.
Here are some fair ways to point out the need for a lifestyle change without being negative or critical:
• I am worried about your health.
• I notice you are struggling to keep up physically.
• You seem to be suffering from the extra weight. Can I help?
• I am concerned that you are at risk for __________ (fill in the blank).
Positive vs. Negative Comments
Let’s take a look at more examples of how your choice of language can change the impact of a statement. Here are comments made in a very unkind way:
• Your being overweight makes me sick.
• You really can’t take just one, can you?
• You must be dying from the effort of carrying around all that weight.
• You know you’re going to suffer a heart attack or a stroke and die.
Now here are some contrasting positive statements:
• I would love to help you if you want to try to improve your health.
• You know we both have slowed down a bit. Maybe we should take a class together or hire a personal trainer and partner up. It’ll be fun!
• I love you so much and it scares me to see that extra weight creeping on. Can we do something about it together?
• I am worried about both your health and mine, so can we try to change some habits together?
Notice how the positive comments offer love, encouragement, or a willingness to be part of the solution. These supportive factors are enormously important when it comes to lifestyle change.
Spousal Sabotage
Men and women are different in so many ways, and this can play heavily into the success or failure of a lifestyle change. Women are often raised to be nurturers, so if their spouses want to get back in shape, their attitude will typically be supportive. They’ll change the shopping list, buy light beer, work on serving healthier dinners, try to provide better snack choices, and generally go along with the program, even if they do not want to embrace those changes personally.
Men can be quite a bit different in how they respond to a mate’s efforts. They are less likely to see these efforts to change as something that should concern them, too. Some will certainly offer support but without participating in the process. Many will not want to deal with losing their favorite foods or snacks, or even no longer having a buddy to eat and enjoy the same foods with them. In general, losing weight or eating healthfully may not be a priority for them.
These are generalizations, of course. Women are just as capable of being uninvolved, and men are just as capable of offering meaningful support. And both men and women can take their reluctance about their partner’s efforts a step further—into downright sabotage. They may get nervous when they see that their beloved has accomplished a goal, is feeling more attractive and confident, and may be getting more attention.
So though Eve tempted Adam with an apple, your spouse may be more inclined to tempt you with a caramel-dipped apple, Godiva® chocolates, or decadent ice cream.
What he or she is really saying is:
• This change in you makes me feel uncomfortable and threatened.
• I like me just the way I am—I want you to stay that way, too.
• I don’t like the attention you’re getting; I no longer feel worthy.
• I feel like I’m not moving forward in my goals the way you are, and that really upsets me.
• By taking control of your weight and health, you make me feel like a lazy loser.
• I feel like you are leaving me behind.
Here are some strategies for handling the challenge of spousal sabotage:
• Let your partner know that this is important to you and explain why calmly and clearly.
• Make it about “health” as opposed to looks; you may meet with more acceptance and less antagonism. Get your doctor’s help to clarify the health benefits.
• Express that you are lucky to have your partner love you “just the way you are,” but that you don’t want food to rule your life or the life of your household. You need to put better habits and healthier practices in place.
• Let your spouse know that you feel differently about the excess weight than he or she might—for you, it represents a roadblock to your happiness and self-esteem.
• Let your partner know you would love him or her to join you in your efforts, but if not, you would prefer demonstrations of love that are something other than gifts of food—maybe new kitchen tools and appliances, fitness equipment, or fitness wear?
• Let your spouse know that if you have kids or are anticipating having kids, you really want them in the best health, and that means better food options inside and outside the home.
• Reward your spouse with new tasty meals that incorporate HFL principles.
• Demonstrate that you appreciate your spouse’s support both verbally and physically.
Remember that you bear responsibility as well. If your husband or wife persists in bringing home treats, it is still your choice whether to eat or not, to nibble or not. Don’t throw in the towel and eat, only to feel miserable later. Give your partner the pleasure of eating the treats while you whip out some substitute treats like frozen yogurt, frozen fruit, or fat-free pudding. You can share the snack time without sharing the actual snack!
More Tricks for Dealing with Sabotage
Realize there will be times when temptations from inside or outside the family are unavoidable. Every member of the family needs to be prepared with these simple coping skills:
• Be mindful and responsible. This is an ongoing “state of being,” so be prepared with your own food plans and choices instead of getting caught off guard. For example, when going to dinner at someone else’s home, you can make a pre-emptive strike by bringing a dish you know you can eat and letting the hostess know your challenges so she can have a veggie platter or fruit for your benefit (everyone else benefits, too).
• Never let yourself get too hungry or you’ll be vulnerable to impulsive choices, which tend to be high in fat/sodium/ sugar.
• Remember that the goal is not perfection; it’s a better lifestyle that incorporates better choices. Succumbing to an occasional treat is not the end of the world.
Here are some of my favorite verbal responses to people who challenge you or tempt you:
• I already had my treat for the week, but go ahead, enjoy it!
• I’m just not hungry right now, but I’ll let you know if I want some later.
• I’m working really hard on breaking some difficult relationships with food so I just want to say No tonight and feel good about that.
• Could I just have fruit instead?
When someone becomes truly pushy, you may need to take them aside and speak to them directly, making eye contact and conveying how important it is to you to embrace these behavior modifications.
Just remember that, if you love your friends, you will give them time to work out their discomfort with the changes you’re making. My experience is that most of them will adjust. If not, it may be time to re-examine the relationship.
Buddy Up for Support
The buddy system is one of the most effective tools available when it comes to successful weight loss or lifestyle shifts. I’m not sure why people always think they have to go it alone. Isolation does not breed success. Family members can really provide the love, empathy, and encouragement required to support successful change. Spouses can be buddies, siblings can be buddies, or parents and kids can buddy up. Every member of your family can act as buddy for every other member. It just depends on who is willing to participate.
Remember, there are no real rules to having a buddy except the ones you decide on for yourself. Maybe you want your buddy to stop you when you are overeating or to tell you a bad day is just that—one bad day. Maybe you want him or her to be your exercise partner.
One strategy that works well for buddies is the “check-in.” Here’s how you can use it to prevent the derailment of your efforts:
• Set up regular check-ins by phone. Agree in advance on what is fair game to talk about and share. Decide if you want your buddy’s input or not so you are clear on the roles you will play. The Internet can be used the same way.
• Set up activity check-ins after workouts, perhaps by having a coffee or snack break for chat time.
• Try e-mail check-ins. That way, if your or your buddy’s schedule is hectic, you can check in any time of day or night. Or use instant messaging if you want an immediate response.
With or Without a Biological Family
Maybe you’re a single person or a widowed grandparent or a single mom or dad or someone whose family is not nearby. Perhaps you are in a traditional family, but other family members aren’t ready to embrace the program yet. In any case, you can find support, regardless of your family situation.
• Find a friend who’s willing to be your buddy. He or she doesn’t have to work the program personally—just be understanding.
• Journaling can serve as a check-in of sorts if you use it to write your food and exercise, but also your feelings, struggles, and moments of challenge. Depending on your comfort level, you can share this journal with a friend.
• Also consider support groups that are available at religious institutions, hospitals, local Y’s, and community centers. Remember, the people in these groups don’t need to be on the HFL plan—they just need to share similar circumstances.
• A number of Web sites, like ivillage.com and sparkpeople .com, have community centers you can join and message boards where you can find support.
How to Handle the Skeptics
It’s critical to avoid the negative emotions that critics or naysayers can evoke. Quite often, your response will be an attempt to defy them by being stricter than is reasonable with your eating or exercise. This is a setup for disaster because you won’t be able to keep it up or you will get frustrated and overeat in response to your own emotions. Remember, this isn’t about what others think or want you to do or their opinion of what is best for you. This is about your decision to change habits that lead to weight gain, health risk factors, and health issues for yourself and your family. I cannot tell you how often I’ve watched people adopt the HFL plan successfully in spite of “caring” friends and family who offer them “relief” or a “quick treat that won’t hurt” or a “rest from discipline.”
The reality is that you can’t change people; you can only change yourself. The individual trying to derail you is probably grappling with his or her own emotional and lifestyle issues. Very often, while saboteurs are making an unkind comment or observation or trying to entice you, they are actually feeling a bit crummy about themselves. Your achievements make them feel inferior or out of control.
Remember, it’s your responsibility to set firm but gentle boundaries so that people both within and outside your family understand that you need them to support you or simply leave you alone. You can use the following comments as samples of what you might say to someone who is not aware of how important the lifestyle change is:
• This effort is really something personal I decided to do and I can really use your support and your blessings.
• I have always loved your cooking and there will be times when I choose to enjoy the full menu, but right now I need to watch my choices.
• My health and my self-esteem have been suffering for some time and I hope you’ll understand and support me. If I choose only some of your great menu selections, it’s because I need to watch my weight and my health.
• I am trying to change some family habits inside and outside the home because I am realizing the kids and I might be developing some health issues. I hope you won’t take offense
if we’re a bit selective about what you’re offering. We are so glad to be here.
I do think it’s important to always include “health” in the discussion because most people will be reticent to challenge you on the health issue; when it comes to weight, they may be a bit more likely to ask you to indulge and “then go back to your diet.” Do not be surprised if close friends take it personally; again, they may define their own value in the food they cook. Another option is to call the person ahead of time and discuss your HFL program and see if they would be willing to have a salad or a fruit salad or make an entrée that is HFL-friendly. Just be gently persuasive and complimentary as you stick to your HFL habits.
Celebrating Success
Celebrating achievements is a vital part of lifestyle change. You need to reward your own efforts and those of family members who take small or big steps forward in shifting their habits to healthier ones. Fitting into smaller sizes, seeing a face in the mirror that doesn’t look quite as full and chubby as before, noticing clearer skin, finding physical exercise easier, fitting into an airline seat, and seeing a child’s height grow into his or her “girth” are all reasons to celebrate.
Physical and emotional gains are exciting, but sometimes external rewards are important, too. Based on age, choose little gifts to reward the goals achieved. Here are a few examples:
• A book
• An inexpensive toy
• A visit to the zoo for a child
• iPod® music or movie downloads
• A DVD
• A new lipstick
• A movie gift card for teens
• A new exercise outfit
• A scarf
• A massage
• A manicure
• Golf balls or other sports equipment
TROUBLESHOOTING
If support is ongoing, then troubleshooting is just an extension of that principle. Here are some typical situations that will require a plan or response. It helps if you can anticipate a situation so you are armed to deal with it.
Only one family member needs to lose weight and still feels “isolated,” even if the whole family has agreed to follow the HFL plan. It’s pretty understandable that if children or teens are the ones grappling with weight loss, they are still going to feel like the deck is more stacked against them. Or they feel like everyone is scrutinizing their every move to see if they are “cheating” or eating more than they should. That’s not the intent of this book.
It is quite obvious that portion control and calorie counting have to happen if someone is to lose weight; so does exercise. But the idea is that if you are truly working the program as a family, then even healthier food choices, participation in the four P’s, and other habit changes are being celebrated and rewarded. You’ll notice less “poor me syndrome” because everyone is participating, evolving, and adopting the changes. There is less likely to be an isolation issue.
One family member or participant may give up and go off the program. This is a really common situation. More than likely, some family members will be judgmental, others will feel tempted to do the same, and others will want to be supportive but feel resentful. That’s why family dinners and powwows are so important: they defuse the possibility of an escalating situation. Have patience, make sure to have an ongoing dialogue, and try not to be judgmental.
One family member says, “I’ve tried it for a while and it feels too rigid.” They’re probably specifically referring to the controlled
treats and maybe the exercise parameters. My attitude on this one is: when you’re at home, you do as we do. When you’re away from home, I can’t control your decisions.
A family member persists in sabotage. If it’s a spouse, you need to communicate how important these changes are for both you and the children. It’s not unreasonable to enlist the help of a physician or other health professional to emphasize how important and necessary these changes are. If it’s a teen or young adult, then it’s again within your parental scope to set the rules inside the home and hope that over time they’ll come around and join the family effort.
Plateaus are quite challenging. A weight plateau merely means the scale stopped registering change for a while, but the tape measure, the mirror, and the fit of your clothing can still show signs that things are happening. And let’s not forget that for the first several days, weeks, even months, a lot of habit changes are going on, so at any given time, there may be a plateau in one area while progress is going on in other sectors.
Bigger family gifts can be voted on or raffled off (i.e., you can exchange responsibilities for a bigger vote) or planned far in advance of large milestones the whole family achieves.
Quieting Your Inner Saboteur
What do you do when the saboteur is you? I can hear that nasty little voice now:
• There are those leftovers in the fridge—go ahead, nosh a little.
• There’s ice cream in the freezer, have just a scoop . . . or two . . . or three . . .
• Let’s stand here in front of the fridge (or pantry) and just see what’s here . . .
• I’ll just eat these little tastes as I clean off the plates.
• It doesn’t count if I eat it behind closed doors at home.
• I’ll just nibble a little as I watch my evening shows.
• I have to taste as I cook so it tastes good for my family.
• I need something to make me feel better NOW!
• I’m thirsty—NO—I’m hungry.
• This diet is making me so hungry and frustrated, I just have to give in and . . .
• I exercised really hard today, so I can have anything I want.
• I can’t think straight and eating will help.
• They’re just little tastes, so it doesn’t matter.
• I am so _______ (angry, depressed, lonely, anxious, etc.). I deserve a little something to make me feel better.
The answer to this saboteur is . . . a reality check. You’ve got to ditch the inner voice by coming clean—calmly and with control and reason. Yes, some desires need to be met occasionally. That’s just the way it is. But just as you can’t purchase every piece of clothing you might want, you can’t indulge your food urges every time they strike. The “I want it now” mentality has to be replaced with a calculation of “Do you really need it? Do you really want it? Does it have to be now or can it wait? Is it worth the impact it will have on my weight or my health?”
The habit of appeasing your emotions with food has to be replaced with stroking your emotions with evaluation, redirection, or even therapy when appropriate. A buddy or support group inside or outside the family can be incredibly helpful as you struggle with these issues.
Here are a few simple ways to respond to your inner saboteur:
• Distract yourself with some other behavior: call a friend, go outside and do a chore, run a bubble bath and soak, get in the car and do an errand.
• Wait it out, which can be tough, but it does allow you to have an inner dialogue and figure out what’s really bothering you;
then it allows you to choose to cope with an alternative other than food.
• Analyze your feelings and what moments lead you to reward yourself, stroke yourself, or simply overindulge with food.
• Say consequences out loud so you acknowledge them: “This will undo my exercise effort. This will affect my health parameter (blood pressure, cholesterol level, blood sugar level). I’ve already had treats this week, so it’s not like I’ve been deprived.”
• Avoid telling yourself “just one won’t hurt” because the truth is that it’s almost never just one; this is a daily game people play; by the end of the week, just one becomes several, a dozen, many. I’m a big believer in moderation, but ongoing daily “justifications” in the name of moderation will not work.
• Don’t eat something just it because it’s a freebie. A lot of business professionals do this on the lunch circuit scene with clients. You don’t need to have a steak or dessert or rich dressings at lunch because “the client is paying.” Trust me—he won’t be around to pay your escalating health bills down the road.
Supporting Success and Making It Fun
At the core of every diet failure is boredom, monotony, too many rules, and too few choices—in short, the fun factor is missing. So, how do you convince yourself and your family that a lifestyle change filled with rules can still be fun?
Well, first of all, a lot of variety and variability is built into the HFL program. Second, having more time on your hands because the plan is so organized means more time to pursue fun. Finally, when each family member begins to see goals accomplished—more energy, better sleep patterns, better grades, weight loss, a more enjoyable home life, more together time, and much less stress around food, family fun is more likely to happen naturally.
Here are some ideas for making things fun or offering support that will increase your family’s HFL success:
HOW TO SUPPORT YOUR SPOUSE BY MAKING HFL FUN
• Use new recipes to entice.
• Make a food shopping date—I kid you not—it brings folks together.
• Ask what they want, then find lighter, healthier versions of the recipe and “fake them out” by serving it and then revealing the surprise “lighter aspect.”
• Barter with them—if you participate in this, I’ll help you with that or make a candlelit dinner or massage those aching feet.
• Create great picnic baskets and a special outing just for the two of you.
• Pose an adventure hiking/eating weekend at a spa to get the process going.
• Offer to take over garbage detail or dishwashing.
• Do a buffet night at least once a week so everyone can create a personalized dish. Vary the entrée salad ingredients and the protein topping options.
• Create nights of “personalized opportunities”—personal pizza, personal wraps, add-to-a-soup (beans, meat, fish), dairy night (healthy omelets, quiches, frittatas, chili bowls topped with a bit of melted low-fat cheese).
• Use fun family rewards to motivate: a weekend movie, a beach day, a picnic, a day trip somewhere special.
• Have the family figure out new ways to “measure portions” by creating their own visual cues.
• Pick a new weekly ingredient and have everyone create a dish around it.
• Check out new cooking classes as a family.
• Subscribe to a cooking magazine that features light recipes or go online to find new recipes.
• Explore ethnic recipes and substitute ingredients to make them healthier.
• If weight loss is a goal, get any family member who hits a milestone a gift certificate to a favorite store.
• Remember the things that were fun in childhood—games, buddying up in sports, cooking with mom, riding a bike with a buddy. Why not recapture them now with your family?
• Be spontaneous and flexible. Sometimes the best-laid plans get ruined and the disappointment can be really overwhelming, so agree to set aside workout time, but be more free-spirited and spontaneous with plans. Kids especially love sudden surprises like a family picnic and hike, a family cooking class, or an outing with members of their extended family to play a sport.
• Surprise your spouse by taking on more of the plan or prep responsibilities one week. That shows love and support more than any other gesture.
• Put a “love note” or “support note” on each plate at the dinner table, in lunch bags and then pay it forward to another family member to do the same. This way, you’ll begin to express love and support verbally instead of with food.
Tips for Kids/Teens
• Use shapes (for muffins, mini-sandwiches), use math, use new ingredients.
• Let them know why you’re doing this program and how they can help.
• Let them voice unhappiness or rebellion—it’s part of the process.
• Use family outings as much as possible.
• Let them choose sports they want to pursue.
• Give them leadership roles whenever possible.
• Let them run the show at the supermarket (at least once in a while).
• Give them a cooking night and let them really experience the role of chef.
• Do taste testing and let them “grade” the experience and the foods.
• Do surprise nights where pitching in to help gets a surprise movie at home or a night out.
• Reward cumulative milestones with something they want. We all reward good behavior and changing habits deserves non-food rewards.
..................Content has been hidden....................
You can't read the all page of ebook, please click here login for view all page.