12
There Are No Perfect Families: The Art of Making Realistic Goals and Helping Your Family
Stay on Track for Generations to Come
I want the face of Tyra Banks, the body of Heidi Klum, the wealth of Donald Trump, the smarts of Bill Gates . . . and the list goes on and on. Pretty lofty goals, right?
When most of us start a diet or a lifestyle change, we can’t help but reach for the stars:
• “I’m going to lose thirty pounds in one month.”
• “I’m going to fit into a bikini (or my wedding dress) in two weeks.”
• “I’m getting back into my high school jeans if it kills me.”
• “I’ll buy these jeans that are two sizes too small and I’ll just have to lose enough weight to get into them.”
It looks silly on paper, but when you are totally motivated, anything seems possible—until all those grandiose ideas backfire.
Remember Oprah on the liquid diet, proudly strutting out in her super-thin dark wash jeans, pulling a red wagon filled with a representation of all the fat she had lost. The next day she confessed that, because of a nighttime binge, she couldn’t get comfortably back into the jeans. While we all applauded her success, most of us also identified with what happened, literally, overnight. The rigid diet that rewarded her with the unbelievably svelte figure came crashing down as she broke all the rules and ate through the night.
In other words, goals are tricky. They can be wondrous, magical tools that spur us into achieving healthy accomplishments. But goals can also cruelly set us up for disaster.
“Quick fix” usually means “quick failure.” If you’ve been eating poor quality food in large portions habitually and gaining weight slowly and insidiously over a period of years, do you really expect to undo the damage in four or eight weeks? If you’ve been a chronic fad dieter, gaining and losing pounds over and over again, do you really expect to break that habitual dieting pattern in a short period of time? If you have raised your children to eat mostly processed foods with extremely sweet, creamy, or salty tastes and you’ve let them watch TV or play video games with little interference, do you really expect to redirect all their eating and exercising habits in a few short weeks or months?
Whether you are using the HFL plan to lose weight or improve your health, remember: it did not take your family six or eight weeks to get into this situation, so it’s not going to take six or eight weeks to dig your way out.

What Really Works

The HFL program walks you through gradual changes in your daily habits with the ultimate goal of sustaining those changes for a lifetime. In reality, small goals, not giant ones, are the most likely to set us up for the best results. Most of my clients who have had long-term success with a lifestyle change have gotten there by achieving small, gradual milestones, one at a time.
WHERE TO BEGIN: TEN STARTING GOALS
Sometimes you need a goal list to get yourself started. Use this as a checklist system and try to hit all these goals in four to six weeks.
1. Step on the scale at the same time every day three or four times a week.
2. Limit TV time.
3. Make more Yes Foods a daily priority.
4. Eat breakfast every day.
5. Use a pedometer and shoot for 10,000 steps a day.
6. Keep a daily journal (with food/exercise entries).
7. Keep liquids low calorie or calorie-free.
8. Use visual cues for portion control.
9. Celebrate the small successes.
10. Ask for help when you need it (family as well as professional support).
For example, my client Sandya decided that if she could lose fifteen pounds and hold at that weight for three months, she would then tackle the next fifteen pounds. She kept right on going once she lost the first fifteen, but I wasn’t concerned that she was setting herself up for failure because her initial goal and attitude were so sensible. She did not put unreasonable pressure on herself or set her standards too high.
As a lifestyle coach, part of my job is to temper optimism with a little reality here and there. There’s no doubt that some people are able to achieve amazingly difficult goals quickly and stick with them permanently, but they represent a small percentage of the population. Most of us need to target reasonable goals that mesh with our busy lives, our genetics, physical characteristics, and even our personalities.
Once you begin to follow the HFL program, you will quickly see how individual responses can vary, as some family members shed pounds faster or find some of the guidelines easier to follow. But this is supposed to be a different journey than you typically take when dieting because the plan itself requires the whole family to work together; unlike many fad diets, there is no right or wrong way to apply the program; there is no absolute amount of weight loss that must be achieved; there are no black and white absolutes; there is no time frame for change to occur. The outline is there for you to harness in a time frame that works for the family as a team. The only requirement is that all family members agree to follow certain basic guidelines while at home and avoid sabotaging others as changes are being made. HFL behavior outside the home will hopefully follow in time.

Setting Family Goals

Some goals need to be set up for the sake of the family as a whole. This is especially important for family members who may struggle with individual goals and not feel successful. Family achievements such as, “We nailed four family sit-down meals together this week,” or “We all ate five servings of veggies daily for a week,” or “We all worked out for thirty minutes daily for a month!” give everyone an opportunity to celebrate as a team. Joy and a sense of accomplishment are a particular boon, even when personal weight or health goals are taking longer to achieve.
As a parent, you may be desperate to see your overweight child lose weight. As a wife, you may be anxious to see your husband reduce his risk for diabetes. Personally, you may want rapid physical changes. However, not everyone will be on the same wavelength, and you don’t want to make the mistake of expecting everyone to be moving at the same pace, with the same urgency, toward goals YOU have set. That’s a setup for an anguished, frustrating, and very dismal HFL journey.
Yes, you can implement the rules in the kitchen and hang tough on creating an HFL home environment. But you need to set your personal goals and let other family members set theirs. You may feel they are setting the bar too low in terms of initial goals, but remember that these are only the first step. It’s okay if family members target simple and easy-to-reach successes. You don’t get to harangue or badger someone simply because they aren’t trying for what you want or think is appropriate.
However, as household members, everyone has to follow certain basic rules. If certain family members do not want to weigh in on menu planning, that’s fine. But if they want to eat, they need to help with food preparation. If they don’t like the food being offered, they can eat the back-up choices you have in the fridge—tuna, sliced chicken, salad, fruit, or yogurt—but they don’t get to sabotage the process by bringing fast food into the house or derailing your efforts in some other way. And they don’t get a special separate dinner cooked for them either.
Your initial objectives have to be to take control of the kitchen, especially the pantry and fridge, and to promote enthusiasm among family members. Your goal has to be to get everyone on board at some level initially, and then encourage more involvement as you continue to implement the four P’s of the HFL program. As team captain, your goal is to have patience and pull the team together, while targeting your own personal goals.
One of the most important ways to help your family succeed is to keep your goals positive, with the big picture, lasting lifestyle change, in mind. The whole family needs to know that, unlike most weight loss schemes and plans, this program is not about dieting for a few months or sacrificing taste and fun for a little while before returning to old habits. The natural inclination of many people who have struggled with weight or eating issues is to change their habits for a while, then once goals are met, gently slide back into old habits. The whole point of this program and teamwork is to undo unhealthy habits or habits that are instigating weight gain. The “Yes, No with a Smile, Maybe So” eating plan and the four P’s are set up to be adopted as lifelong habits.
HFL goals involve:
• Change that your family can sustain as a new way of life
• Health improvements that last
• Weight loss that remains lost
• Reasonable new habits that can be maintained for a lifetime
• Health-conscious living that is maintained as a true family value
TIPS TO CONTROL HUNGER CRAVINGS AND FEEL FULL
If your goal is to avoid mindless or emotional eating, it can help if you truly feel physically full. In addition to the other ideas throughout this book, here are some quick tips to control cravings and feel full:
1. Eat breakfast every day and make sure it combines protein, healthy carbs, and a small portion of healthy fat so you remain satiated.
2. Add beans to your meal. They add protein and fiber, two very filling components.
3. Double-blend your smoothies to create a frothy, air-filled, and filling beverage.
4. Sniffing scents can help some people control their cravings and impulsive eating: vanilla scent works for me and I use candles in the kitchen and bedroom.
5. Do snack, but snack smart: fruit with a bit of healthy fat, veggies with a healthy dip, a small bowl of warm bean soup, fat-free yogurt with berries. The goal is to fill up on a small calorie investment.
6. Lower your stress with deep breathing, exercise, or meditation, which will reduce or stabilize cortisol levels and its possible impact of appetite stimulation.
Your family goals should reflect an uplifting and enduring approach that is bearable, not overwhelming for your family, and most of all, is attainable. For example, eating more high-fiber foods at meals is a doable, positive goal with lots of delicious and filling options. It’s a “Do” rather than a “Don’t.” This “Do” approach is fundamental to the HFL program. When it comes to kids or even a tough spouse, saying Yes to lots of options improves your likelihood of success.

Examples of Family Goals

Even though my emphasis is on personal goal-setting, as a parent, you will probably have some thoughts on why you want your kids or the family as a whole to follow the HFL program. (You probably have some ideas of goals for your family). For example, you may be thinking:
• “I’d like to help my children lose some weight or at least maintain their current weight while they grow, so they are at lower risk for health problems.”
• “I’d like to help my children move with greater ease and feel better about themselves.”
• “I’d like to help my children develop healthier habits, more energy, and a more active lifestyle.”
• “I’d like everyone in our family to pass a health and physical fitness exam with flying colors.”
• “I’d like us to eat less food from fast-food sources.”
• “I’d like us to eat less processed foods out of boxes and prepare more meals from scratch.”
• “I’d like to feel that, over time, we are in control of our nutrition and activity level, instead of feeling disorganized and out of control.”
Your concern and passion for your family’s health is the perfect starting point for the HFL program. You can take these initial ideas and turn them into positive, action-oriented family goals. Depending on what stage of health your family is in and the personality types in the family, you can set specific family goals. A mild competitive flavor to these goals is fine, but turn them into “musts” carefully by continuing to explain why this shift in habits is so vital to the health of your family. If you are too pushy, change too many aspects of your household too quickly, or become a rigid taskmaster, forcing many rapid and sudden changes, you may deter a family member from joining the process. You can create a list of “starter” ideas and then meet with your family to create goals on which you can all agree. The most important thing you need to create is an environment of discussion and communication, while stating the obvious reasons why change is needed. Here are some examples of HFL family goals, but you will want to create some that fit your family:
1. “We will have three or four family dinners a week.”
2. “We will make one large and organized food shopping excursion and one fill-in every week.”
3. “We will eat four fruits and four or five veggie servings at least four days each week.”
4. “We will exercise as a family once every weekend.”
5. “We will have one or two menu planning nights a week.”
6. “We will eat one weekend breakfast together.”
7. “We will have only sixty minutes of TV/video viewing time per day (not related to homework).”
8. “We will try one new taste per day.”
9. “We will each have a prep job on the designated prep day(s).”
10. “We will not bring personal food items that are not on the family shopping list into the home.”
11. “We will choose our ‘No with a Smile Foods’ before we shop.”

Setting Personal Goals

Individual goals are just that—individual. Every family member will have different priorities and approaches. Health goals will be appropriate for some—weight loss or behavior changes for others. Encourage everybody to create personal goals.
Here are some examples of personal goals:
1. “I want to lose some weight so I can fit into a smaller size and feel better about myself.”
2. “I want to lose some weight because my doctor has told me it will help prevent (you fill in the blank: heart disease, hypertension, diabetes . . .).”
3. “I want to lose some weight so I can enjoy being active with my kids and set a better health example.”
4. “I have some important milestone events coming and I’d like to lose some weight to feel better about myself at these events and then continue to lose weight or maintain this weight loss.”
5. “I’d like to meet some personal weight and health goals that my doctor and I have set for myself.”
6. “I’d like to stop skipping meals.”
7. “I’d like to give up soda and high-calorie coffee drinks.”
8. “I’d like to reduce my blood sugar, blood pressure, LDL cholesterol (and raise HDL), and knee joint pain associated with excess weight.”
9. “I’d like to increase my walking frequency and distance.”
10. “I’d like to ride elevators and use my car less, and climb stairs and walk more.”
11. I’d like to eat breakfast every day.

Examples of Reasonable Goals for Kids

Adults in the family should help kids and teens create their personal goals. You may want to share some of the following examples to help them. It’s very important to state kids’ goals in kids’ language. Some kids may feel comfortable with specific weight loss goals, but if they pose too much pressure, other behavior- or results-oriented goals can work just as well. Here are some goal ideas:
1. “I want to fit into clothes more comfortably and shop for regular not plus sizes.”
2. “I want to feel better when I look at myself in the mirror.”
3. “I want kids to stop making fun of my size.”
TRACKING YOUR GOALS
One of the simplest tools you can use for charting progress is journaling. The beauty of a journal is that you can keep an honest record of what is happening. Our memory of eating can be very short or simply unclear. Keeping the journal handy and making quick entries is a good way to track your HFL efforts. You can include food entries, exercise entries, emotional content (especially because it can correlate to eating temptations), goals, and measurements (like weight and inches). When I create a journal with a client, we set up a seven-day cycle of those parameters. We’ll usually do a BMI measurement once every four to six weeks, depending on weight loss goals and progress. We also include body measurements and lab profiles every two to three months. The following outline may or may not work for you, but you can use it as a good starting point to create your own.
A daily entry can include these categories (or add your own):
 
Date:
Day of the Week:
My Goal for the Day (Do this the night before so it’s on your mind.):
 
Breakfast:
 
Lunch:
 
Dinner:
 
Snacks (Include number and food content):
__Servings of fruits:
__Servings of veggies: __Servings of dairy:
__Servings of protein:
__Servings of fat:
__Servings of bread-like carbs:
__Dessert or “No with a Smile” food (if applicable):
 
Exercise:
__Minutes total
__Minutes aerobic
__Minutes weight training
Emotional State:
Weight:
 
__Family meal happened (check off)
__I met my HFL goals (check off or quantify if you didn’t)
 
Health Goals:
BMI:
Measurements:
Labs/Health Measurements:
4. “I want to be the one of the first ones chosen when choosing sides for sports.”
5. “I want to run faster, jump higher, last longer when I play.”
6. “I want to stop feeling bad or guilty when I eat.”
7. “I want to stop skipping meals.”
8. “I want to stop sneaking snacks.”
9. “I want the scale to stay at the same number or move downward.”
10. “I want the pediatrician to tell me that my ‘numbers’ are better.”
11. “I want to get really good at a sport.”
12. “I want to improve my running times or other athletic parameters.”
13. “I want to stop feeling embarrassed, depressed, or anxious about my weight or body image.”
As you can see, these goals are phrased to be as positive as possible, without pressure to lose a specific amount of weight, often relating to physical activity or areas that can be important to a child or teen.

Time Frames: How Far, How Fast?

Incorporating high-fiber fruits and vegetables, alternative proteins, whole grains, low-fat and fat-free dairy products, and healthy oils into a family eating program that used to focus on fried chicken, pizza, burgers and fries, spaghetti and meat sauce, macaroni and cheese, ice cream, soda, and lots of treats is a process that requires time. If you’re a Stage 3 or Stage 4 family, or if there is a family member who specifically falls into those more urgent health stages, of course, it makes sense to work toward change at a faster pace.
However, a common downfall of an otherwise successful lifestyle change effort is pushing too hard and too fast, even in the name of positive change. I always caution new clients to remember the needs and personalities of each family member and to be patient. Offer new foods and be patient. Discuss the need for change and be patient. And most of all, model the behaviors you want to see from other family members.
You will have to consider health measurements and parameters to assess your lifestyle changes. Health goals such as weight and BMI measurements, blood tests, and other health assessments should be discussed and worked into a schedule. Use the assessment forms I’ve provided in earlier chapters to gauge how quickly you need to get activity happening or significant amounts of Yes Foods replacing other foods or more control of snacks and entrée choices. A family with serious ongoing weight or health issues may need a more serious discussion when implementing the program to motivate action and change.
If you or family members are in a “pre-stage” of disease, discuss optimal testing times, schedules, and goals (including weight measurements) with your doctor. For example, if you are a diabetic, you are probably doing blood sugar testing and HbA1c testing; if you are hypertensive, you should be doing blood pressure home monitoring; if you have high LDL cholesterol, set up a reasonable testing interval with your doctor. Ongoing evaluations will show the positive impact of your HFL program and may happen independently of weight loss or significant body measure changes.
You may want to check weight once or a couple of times per week, and take body measurements every six weeks. From a health perspective, most professionals agree that one to two pounds/week weight loss after an initial water loss (which sometimes exceeds that amount) is a healthy goal.
When it comes to kids, you really need to determine a reasonable weight loss goal after consulting with the pediatrician and how often you would like to assess weights or measurements. Or, if the child is showing signs of medical problems like insulin resistance, high total cholesterol, or high blood pressure, the doctor can also suggest a schedule of check-ins. It may help kids if the doctor is involved so that both supportive encouragement and reality messages can come directly from a health professional who is not a family member.
Also, discuss with each family member specifically how you all would like to verbalize progress or the lack of progress. Telling your child he “blew it this week” is reverting back to the very techniques that make people unsuccessful dieters. Remember that even if weight loss did not occur, your child ate more healthy foods or was more active or both, and those are important achievements, even in the face of no weight loss.
As adults, we need to apply those same positive reflections on ourselves, as long as honesty is the prevailing policy. If you are in a state of denial, thinking by Week 12 or 14 that eating an extra couple of fruits a week and taking two or three ten-minute walks a week is going to achieve great progress, then you are clearly not ready for the HFL program. That doesn’t mean that you’re not deriving some benefits from eating more fruit and moving a bit. It’s just not enough progress to really dent even a Stage 1 family’s health profile significantly.
ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS BY MANAGING HUNGER
You have to work with your daily hunger rhythms (we all get hungry at specific times of the day) and patterns (if you always end dinner with dessert, for example) in order to be successful with nutrition goals. Here are some techniques I recommend:
• Give up the eating until you’re stuffed approach. You need to decide that feeling pleasantly full is healthier and will be more likely to help you follow portion control. Finish two-thirds of your main course and agree to have some tastes of dessert and not the whole serving.
• Don’t diet. Following an eating program is not about deprivation, which is why if you give into a craving or eat too much on a given day, we suggest starting fresh the next day—not compensating by eating less.
• Exercise should not justify eating though, on occasion, if you feel you are going to overeat (at a party or event) or you’ve eaten extra food or an extra treat, you should balance it out with extra movement or exercise. The HFL program should be providing enough filling food. Remember to eat an adequate breakfast, lunch, and dinner and time snacks to have a complete and satiating eating experience. You do not want to make a habit of adding exercise to balance out additional calories. It will not work for you in the long term.
Let’s take a look at two actual families, and how they created goals to meet their needs.

Real-Life HFL Family Story: Goals from Age Four and Up

The Kay family (their names have been changed) had five members, each with a specific set of personal challenges:
• A hard-working, successful dad, who had developed a borderline high cholesterol problem over the years and had packed on an extra thirty-five pounds (which he carried in his abdominal area)
• A stay-at-home mom who was clearly overweight, probably carrying about fifty to sixty extra pounds
• Three children: a high school senior boy who was slim, an athletic girl in middle school, and a young boy with ADD issues who was gaining weight rapidly
Dad worked long hours and often skipped breakfast, ate fast-food lunches on the go, and came home to dinner (sometimes home-cooked, sometimes fast-food takeout) with non-stop snacking continuing through the evening. He had a variety of goals:
• Lose weight
• Learn how to weight train
• Build a modest home gym so he could do work out at any time that was convenient for his schedule
• Score better on his blood cholesterol panel
• Deal with the issues he was having sexually, which he felt might respond to a less artery-clogging diet
Mom had jumped from diet to diet unsuccessfully in the past. Her extra pounds were a combination of weight that remained after the birth of each child, weight gain due to the start of perimenopause, and the results of what was obviously a poor diet and minimal activity (but did include some doubles tennis playing). She had a family history of Alzheimer’s disease and heart disease among her immediate relatives. She had an extensive list of goals:
• Lose forty pounds over six to eight months
• Improve her approach to organization in the kitchen and food prep
• Reduce fast-food meals to once a week
• Clean out the pantry and have only one or two boxed treat choices for each child to choose from once a day
• Begin a three to four times/week workout of cardio/weight training, with one hour duration each time and one family weekend hike or other activity
• Learn to do a large family shopping/prep twice a week
When the kids were interviewed, the eldest son said he wanted “no part” of this family makeover but would obviously eat whatever was available on the home front and he would help with one of the two weekly shopping trips. He also agreed that he would eat fast food only outside of the home; he would not upset the household’s “new rules” by bringing in fast food.
The daughter was actually excited about the program because she was concerned that, though she was now slim, she would “become” her mom when she got older. She was also convinced that she would do better in sports if she ate better-quality food (especially home-prepared brown bag lunches and snacks). Together, we outlined a number of goals:
• Help Mom with the shopping once a week
• Participate in the weekend activity with Mom
• Help pack her own lunches and snacks
• Stop drinking so many sugary drinks and switch to flavored waters, except when her coach recommended an electrolyte-replenishing drink
At the age of four, the Kays’ youngest child could absorb some of the information we relayed to him, like “helping and choosing new foods,” but he didn’t like being told there would be no more fast food around the house and that he couldn’t just take whatever he wanted from the pantry anymore whenever he wanted it. He also wasn’t keen on the reduced TV and video gaming time. He did like the idea of playing more with Mom and Dad and joining a soccer league. He also was a “willing taster” so this would enormously help the shift in food quality and types.
• He agreed to let Mom pack his lunch (instead of eating the higher-fat lunches being served at his private school)
• He asked if he and his mom could bake something once a week. We came up with a fabulous muffin and a brownie recipe chock full of flavor and nutrients, and low in fat
• He also asked for a basketball hoop to start practicing like his favorite member of the Lakers and he willingly started taking a karate class after school
SETTING YOUR EXERCISE GOALS: USE THE “ADD-ON” RULE
If you want a simple guide to introducing a workout program into your life, follow this five-step schedule of goals:
1. I will start with a ten-minute walk three times a week.
2. I will add ten minutes to each walk every week until I reach sixty minutes per day, three days a week (this will take six weeks).
3. I will add ten minutes of weight training twice a week during week four.
4. I will add ten more minutes of weight training to each day in week eight.
5. I will add ten more minutes to each of the two days in week twelve.
You will now be walking three days a week for six minutes on each day and weight training twice a week for thirty minutes. Keep this going for six months and then add a class, fun activity, or extra walk day per week, so you will be exercising six days per week.
As you can see, this family was made up of diverse individuals, each having different needs and goals and different levels of initial involvement. Everyone came on board at some point to work together; frankly, everyone ended up really enjoying the menu planning, the food tasting, and the weekly family meals. I was most happy that the youngest child wouldn’t require so much habit modification time because the changes were happening while he was young, before his habits became firmly entrenched. Changing ingrained habits can be the hardest part of the HFL program. I was also happy that Dad’s health and energy levels improved and that Mom ended up feeling really fulfilled and much more in control of her eating habits and the manner in which her family was engaging in eating and exercising. Frankly, whether families realize this or not, these feelings are also goals to be achieved.
REBOUNDING FROM A RELAPSE
Setbacks happen to anyone who sets goals; it’s part of human nature. What steps can you take to deal with those moments when you revert to old habits and eat too much or abandon your exercise commitments?
• Forgive yourself immediately and learn from the experience. Maybe you convinced yourself that you could handle temptation and you couldn’t; maybe you allowed a negative emotion to fuel eating or derail exercise.
• Return to normal eating and exercise as soon as possible. Don’t skip meals, overexercise, or reduce portions. Just get back on track.
• Try to avoid the same or other temptations for three or four days so you feel in charge and in control of your habits and behaviors again.
• Ask family members to buddy up with you if you feel that it is still a transitional time for you in terms of temptation.
• Really emphasize self-nurturing behaviors like getting enough sleep, practicing relaxation techniques, and making enough “me” time so you don’t wallow in negative feelings that put you at risk of temptation again.

Real-Life HFL Family Story: Progress in Spite of Challenge

The Wilson familyb offered me one of my most difficult challenges as a family lifestyle coach and as someone who profoundly believes in the family connection as the most vital tool for HFL success. The mom was a computer biller, working out of her home part-time, and suffering from osteopenia, a disease that affects bone density, and a precursor to osteoporosis,. She had fertility issues that were connected to hormonal imbalances. She had also been an on-again, off-again extreme dieter. Both of the fertility and dieting problems may have contributed to her bone density issues. Her workaholic husband was an avid exerciser who would embrace extremely rigid eating plans in pursuit of greater athletic capabilities and stamina. He had some decent food foundations, but he had some rather questionable theories that he used to justify his constant dietary modifications: he would switch from high protein/low carb to high protein/high fat/no carb to high carb/low fat. I never met him directly, but heard about his nutritional views and habits from his wife. He also justified a lot of eating (six to eight mini meals per day) because of his exercise schedule. He had put on about twenty-five pounds over a five-year period (his weight fluctuated tremendously), but he never abandoned his exercise regimen. For the most part, he ate one way and Mom and kids ate another.
Their two children, a ten-year-old and five-year-old, were being raised on restaurant food and highly processed choices like pasta, grilled cheese sandwiches, chicken fingers and fries, pizza, some fruits, and minimal veggies. The kids were slim, but utterly non-engaged in exercise, and the whole family was disconnected in terms of family meals.
As a whole, the family was not invested in real nutrition and there were no family physical activities. We worked out a plan to address these problem areas:
• Mom’s goal was to learn to prepare, shop, and actually cook for a family but we would stick with very simple meals and recipes. She confessed she was “really doing it for the kids,” so I was initially concerned about her own needs and goals.
• Dad’s goal was to support Mom at home and maybe drop some weight. However, he was really convinced that he fully understood nutrition and was not going to be very receptive to changes in the way he was eating, though he was willing to listen and be supportive.
• The kids were excited that Mom was finally going to let “messes happen in the kitchen.” They loved the idea of going to the market to shop, helping with cooking, and having a say in food choices. They were also going to learn to skate and ride bikes—so the family could do some “moving and grooving” together.
ADULT FIBER GOAL TO TARGET: APPROXIMATELY 35 GRAMS/DAY
Every day, you want to consume enough soluble fiber, which attracts water, slows digestion, and lowers LDL or bad cholesterol. You also want to consume enough insoluble fiber, which adds bulk to stool and lowers cardiovascular risk.
Soluble fiber foods: Oat bran, nuts, seeds, barley, beans, lentils, rice bran, peas (Maybe So Foods). Apples, strawberries, citrus fruits, other fruits and vegetables (Yes Foods).
 
Insoluble fiber foods: Whole wheat breads, wheat cereals, wheat bran, rye, rice, barley (Maybe So Foods). Cabbage, beets, carrots, brussels sprouts, turnips, cauliflower, apple skins (Yes Foods).
Both nutrition education (me and Mom working one-on-one) and many attempts at planning and preparing menus (on Mom’s part) failed miserably. With a lot of humor on my part, some major “count to ten and try again” moments (again on my part), and most importantly, the kids’ willingness to see HFL as a fun experiment (and their willingness to beg Mom and Dad to “get with the program”), we were able to establish some very solid HFL habits. Mom would take the girls grocery shopping once a week (often, she made it a special experience by taking one child at a time) and bring home a variety of fruits and veggies.
Fresh-cut veggies were available daily, as were individual cups of low-fat yogurt, healthy cereals, and whole grain muffins and breads. Pre-sized packs of white turkey meat, little cups of hummus and bean dip, and mini apples and tangerines helped make healthy food readily available. Mac and cheese made with lower-fat cheese was served only once a week.
Dad would join the rest of the family for weeknight meals three times a week. Mom began to eat breakfast with the kids as often as possible and this meal incorporated healthier cereals, whole grain waffles, and even wraps with scrambled eggs and salsa. Both girls started dance classes and Dad helped them learn to ride bikes so that they could have a weekend bike ride together. TV viewing time dropped dramatically in lieu of reading time with Mom.
Mom actually took a series of cooking classes and received some easy cookbooks as gifts from the girls and Dad, with the understanding that they all needed to pitch in with prep. Mom started working with weights twice/week and a recent DEXA scan (bone density assessment) showed a small but significant improvement in her bone density.
The shift toward greater activity, more meals together, and lower-fat dairy products yielded distinct health benefits over time. The family came together and definitely benefited from the increased activity and less TV time. Dad lost fifteen pounds, thanks mostly to portioned evening meals and only fruit snacks after dinner. He also got enormous pleasure from teaching the kids to ride bikes and taking them out on weekend rides.
This is an evolving HFL family and they continue to call me in for new “assignments” to further their progress in stabilizing their weight, maintaining their health, and keeping their activity and eating patterns intact.
ADULT DAILY VITAMIN GOAL
One of your goals should be to get your daily vitamin requirements mostly through food, but many of us do need a multivitamin or supplements to meet specific needs like calcium. If you are not eating a number of fortified foods, I find a multivitamin daily is a healthy habit to embrace. These are the amounts adults need each day:
• Vitamin A/beta-carotene: Up to 5,000 IU (retinyl palmitate or acetate and beta-carotene)
• Vitamin D: 400 IU
• Vitamin E: 30 IU (up to 400 IU)
• Vitamin K: 90mcg (mcg=micrograms)
• Folic acid: 400mcg (pregnant women need 600 mcg)
• Vitamin B6: 2mg
• Vitamin B12: 2.4mcg (pregnant women need 2.6mcg)
• Vitamin C: 75mg up to 500mg
• Calcium: 1000mg in divided doses (over age 50: 1200mg)
• Chromium: 25mcg (pregnant women need 30mcg)
• Copper: 2mg
• Iron: 18-25mg
• Magnesium: 400mg
• Omega-3 fatty acids: 1g
• Zinc: Up to 35mg

Don’t Let Environment or Economics Stop You

One important consideration for achieving goals is your physical environment—and economics plays a role, too. A Canadian researcher coined the phrase “obesiogenic environment” to describe factors like the lack of access to green space, healthier food, physical activity opportunities, which combine to contribute to obesity. No one can argue that it is far more difficult to find healthier food options in lower socioeconomic neighborhoods and that unsafe neighborhoods can derail outdoor activities.
The solution is to be as creative as you can be. You can do all kinds of exercise for free at home: dancing to music for a set period of time daily, buying a pair or two of free weights or an exercise band (minimal cost), investing in a couple of exercise DVDs if you have access to a TV and DVD player. I have worked with financially challenged families who find used equipment for sale in the local paper, have choreographed at-home dance and movement sessions to radio music, and found other ways to implement better quality food and activity sessions.
It doesn’t cost money to refuse to buy fast food. You may have to travel on the weekends to another location for access to healthier food. You may need to form a carpool with a couple of families, buy in bulk, and share the food. You can change what’s in your pantry, pre-portion foods, sit down together, ration TV and computer time, and do weekend family activities. Again, this challenge asks for teamwork and communication among family members.

The Realities of Family Dynamics

As a wife and the mother of two children, I do know that you can butt heads with your spouse and your kids on just about everything! Food and exercise are two issues that do seem to encourage conflict.
If you are not yet a parent but are contemplating having kids, getting the HFL plan set up in your home will mean that you raise children who, for the most part, will understand the importance of nutrition and exercise. If you have young children, it’s often easy to engage them, especially because the HFL program means more time with Mommy and the whole family, which appeals to young children. You can introduce goal-setting as a game: if you use stickers and other tactile and visual cues and rewards, the process will tend to go more easily. My chapter on kids and teens offers more suggestions and tips.
AVOIDING RATIONALIZATIONS
It is easy to pledge a goal and then get a bit hazy when it comes to behaviors. If you are meeting daily exercise goals, then you may rationalize larger portions or more frequent meals and snacks. Here are some other “logical” conclusions you may reach:
1. “It’s free, so how can I say no?” Freebies and samples are everywhere. So is the bread basket every time you go to a restaurant. (I was surprised to find that in Europe you pay for the bread, so it’s easy to say no!) When you face a tempting handout, ask yourself, “Would I pay for it if it weren’t free?”
2. “I have to eat it—I’m a guest.” You need to develop a strategy that people will respect without taking offense. Warn them up front, take it home and toss it, or simply take seconds of the least offensive dish and then just take a couple of tastes.
3. “People are starving everywhere. How can I leave food on my plate?” Your eating it doesn’t help those starving people. Food respect is a private matter and you have to set your own eating guidelines, regardless of world events.
4. “It’s a special occasion.” If you count up birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, graduations, and all the other celebratory events, you’d realize how much “overeating for a cause” goes on. “No with a Smile” has to be your approach. I always bring a fruit dessert and dipping sauce as a rule (and restaurants usually honor my request for this dessert dish).
5. “Bulk shopping is a bargain.” That’s why I suggest dividing up the food in single-serve portions as soon as it comes home—prep your bulk purchases so you don’t bulk up.
6. “It’s no fun without food.” Can’t imagine seeing a movie without popcorn? If popcorn is your treat for the week, that’s fine. Otherwise, bring cut-up fruit or a low-cal beverage to sip. Gum can also help in this situation.
7. “I deserve it.” Choose rewards other than food. You need to find new ways to celebrate life.
Don’t lose sight of the fact that older kids may embrace the experience wholeheartedly (especially if they are unhappy with their weight, body image, or athletic level of performance) or if they perceive that the whole household will be a lot less negative when it comes to food issues (meaning fewer battles over food). A home-cooked meal with the family gathering around a table can be comforting, and family hikes and picnics may be appealing, so goal-setting may not turn out to be a combative experience with teens either. On the flip side, teens may initially feel like you are just adding more rules and negativity to the home environment. Patience, love, a caring attitude, and admitting your own mistakes (the ones that reflect on why you set the home up in an unhealthful fashion and are now trying to change the environment) will all help to get your kids and teens on board.
One of your best strategies for preventing high levels of conflict is to avoid setting unreasonable goals or enforcing rules too rigidly. Your initial challenge should simply be to get kids to give up fast foods and highly processed foods and to embrace quality foods like fruits and vegetables. They need to want to learn about nutrition, to move more and enjoy physical activity, and to desire change because they connect the dots of “better habits, better health, longer life, more energy, better intellectual capacity” and other benefits.
However, two areas call for firmness and determination. The first is family participation: it’s important to have all family members contribute to the food preparation process. This helps everyone understand and appreciate the process, learn by doing, and encourages family responsibility and togetherness. The second is exercise: a little prodding, even a firm hand, is worth the effort when it comes to increasing activity levels and managing TV/computer/videogaming habits. I recommend addressing these issues weekly. Yes, there is likely to be resistance. Replace screen time creatively with more parents-and-kids together time, with new movement activities or even with a reward system that does not involve food.

Setting Your Family Up for Success

Research offers some clues about how to encourage success when you set weight loss or lifestyle change goals. In 2006, Consumer Reports did an interesting report on dieters and their thoughts and convictions about losing weight. About 2,000 people weighted in on the poll. Here are some interesting highlights from the report:
• About 75 percent were optimistic that they would reach their target weight goal, 19 percent were unsure, 6 percent were pessimists.
• Roughly 85 percent said their last effort to lose weight was successful (meaning they were repeat dieters).
• Roughly 67 percent were trimming down on their own, 16 percent were participating in a free weight loss program, and 8 percent were paying a fee to a group or individual.
• Most said they had been on a diet for about three months and were losing five pounds/month.
Researchers who assessed the data concluded that:
• Dieters probably need to embrace hopefulness in order to fuel their willingness to restrict their eating.
• Most people plateaued after six months of dieting, which set them on a course to “chuck it all” (i.e., eat without bounds and regain weight).
• Most dieters had unrealistic expectations, which set them up for frustration, disappointment, and weight gain.
• If the factors that made you gain weight in the first place were still present, such as high-calorie foods on the home front, a sedentary job, emotional eating issues, or certain food-social interactions, then failure was built into the experience.
The American Medical Association also offers some guidance on weight management strategies. They endorse a number of dietary/exercise programs on the basis that different approaches may be a reasonable fit for different individual needs. They point out that almost any healthy plan of change can work if the patient adheres to it.
Lastly, research at the University of California, San Francisco School of Medicine, indicates that “patient adherence is more crucial that diet type.” This means that the path that works is the path you commit to, regardless of the actual rules and guidelines of the program.
If you want to lose weight and keep it off or shift habits so you achieve a better state of health, you have to commit and feel that you can stick with the commitment long term. That being said, you still need to acknowledge some realities when it comes to changing habits and lifestyle patterns for good:
• You are more likely to follow a program that is organized and appeals to your sensibilities.
• Though daily calorie consumption is important, quality of food is paramount to your health.
• Individuals that work together succeed together.
• A program that has a step-by-step approach will be easier to follow.
• The way the program helps you to deal with a setback is crucial to the long-term success of reaching goals.
• If the program doesn’t allow for review, modification, and shifting of goals, then it probably won’t serve long-term commitment or success.
• If the program does not address your needs specifically, you will probably abandon it.
BE PREPARED WITH A CALENDAR TO HELP AVOID GOAL SABOTAGE
We all think we can defy temptation. We also believe that we can handle any situation. Here is a calendar alert you can pencil into your planner to help you decide in advance on seasonal strategies to cope with common food challenges that most of us face:
January 1: Don’t let the first brunch of the year be your “last supper” and an out-of-control eating fest. Use portion control and mindfulness to make choices that are satisfying and health conscious.
 
February 5: This is the time of the Super Bowl bash and other winter parties, so plan choices such as a huge salad bowl, crudités, and bean or hummus dip, fruit salad, and air-popped popcorn to help satisfy munchies without too much of a calorie splurge.
 
February 14: It’s Valentine’s Day, so consider healthy ways to treat yourself and your family. For example, a small piece of dark chocolate (full of antioxidants) can be your food dessert splurge.
 
March: TV and movie awards shows and family celebrations can mean multiple get-togethers. Bring something to the potluck so you’ll know there’s a healthy HFL dish there for you.
 
April: It’s the season of Easter and Passover, holidays that often revolve around food. Consider food ingredient substitutions (to lower saturated fat and calories) and plan menus carefully.
 
May: For Mother’s Day, give yourself health options to celebrate your healthy new eating habits. You can create a buffet that showcases healthy ingredients.
 
June: For Father’s Day, consider giving Dad (and the whole family) the gift of a hike and picnic.
 
July 4: Barbecues can showcase veggie shish kabob with white meat chicken, veggie burgers, baked french fries, and lots of watermelon and fruit.
 
Summer Vacations: Center your summer fun around physical activity you enjoy as a family, not high-calorie drinks and sedentary lounging in the sun.
 
September: School’s starting and this is your chance to start packing HFL lunches for your kids (and for you).
 
October: Make Halloween about tricks (having fun together), not treats!
 
November: From white meat turkey to skimming the gravy to salads topped with cranberries to “light” pumpkin pie, your Thanksgiving can be tasty and healthy. (This is something you’ll get better at with practice every year!)
 
December: From holiday parties to Christmas and Hanukkah with oodles of “special food” temptations, make sure you keep your exercise schedule going strong, keep portion control habits in place, and maintain your commitment to “No with a Smile” food timing and selections.

Achieving Your Goals

Once everyone in the family member has set his or her personal goals, it’s important to remember that goals can change or evolve. Don’t expect goals to be permanently carved in stone—this is a learning process.
Also, avoid the natural tendency to be too tough. Depending on your health needs and weight loss needs, it is often better to aim a bit lower than to obsess on impossible, self-defeating goals because even if you do achieve them, they may be too difficult to maintain.
After all, if you ultimately surpass your goals, fabulous! Isn’t that a better mindset to have than repeatedly feeling of despair from always falling short of unreasonable goals?
Whether it’s weight loss, better health, or a combination of the two, you need to create an environment both at home and away that encourages success. One of the reasons people do well on those TV shows like The Biggest Loser is that they are placed in a secluded and controlled environment. Though occasional challenges involve temptation, these overweight individuals are allowed to pursue weight loss goals in a safe and nurturing situation for the most part, supported by a team of professionals and their peers. They do, in a sense, become a family unit or team, guided by the shared goal of wanting a better quality of life. There is no doubt that it is easier to achieve your goals in this very structured and isolated situation.
That’s why you need to create a home (and away-from-home) environment that follows the HFL program. Think of it as setting up your own positive reality TV show environment! I know how tough temptation and emotions can be, how hard it is to shift ingrained habits, how discouraging a setback can feel, and how depressing failure can be. That’s why you need to embrace habits that will make you feel better—and why you need support to succeed.
A team effort yields a superior outcome. We all need support, cheerleaders, mentors, and those who will force us to get real with our weight and health issues. Your family can be your most powerful tool in the challenge to change habits, get healthy, and/or lose weight.
So stop investing in a series of ridiculous health crazes. Stop accepting short-term success only to realize repeated failures. Stop yo-yo dieting, and stop putting your health and the health of your kids at risk. Genuine health and weight maintenance requires dedication to a set of rules. If you want to use vanity as your starting goal, my hope is that, over time, health becomes your long-term goal. We all know the person who survives a heart attack and is suddenly ready to do anything to live. My hope is that this book has convinced you that you and your family are in a very serious situation, possibly a health disaster waiting to happen. But with the HFL program, you have the power to turn that around—and become a Healthy Family for Life!
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