Chapter
18

#4: Honor Thy Father and Mother

In This Chapter

Understanding family and authority in the first of the people-focused commandments

How the fourth commandment is lived out in Christian lives

The duties of parents, children, and citizens

Respect due to and from those in authority

As we begin the fourth commandment, we make a shift from God-centered commandments to neighbor-centered commandments. The next seven commandments focus on how we treat the people all around us, from the people we live with to the friends across the street to those around the world.

Jesus said, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31) Our neighbor is not just the person who takes in the mail when we’re on vacation. Our neighbor is anyone we meet along life’s way, and even those we don’t meet but with whom we share our common human dignity.

In this chapter, we will begin at home, where we build our earliest and often our closest relationships. We will look at how parents and children must treat each other and how together, as a domestic church, the family serves the greater good.

It’s a Family Affair

Honor your father and your mother, that you may have a long life in the land which the Lord, your God, is giving you. (Exodus 20:12)

The fourth commandment—the first to follow the God-centered commandments and the only one to have a promise attached to it—focuses on parents. After God, we are called to honor our parents, who gave us life and knowledge, and who deserve our respect and honor. Moreover, the Catechism states, we are also obliged to honor and respect all those whom God, for our good, has vested with his authority. The Catechism explains that this commandment is one of “the foundations of social doctrine of the Church.” The fourth commandment introduces the other commandments that address respect for life and marriage and material possessions. (2197–2198)

While this commandment appears to be aimed directly at children, it extends to other family members as well as to people in a host of other positions: teachers, employers, and leaders of countries. “It re-quires honor, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors,” the Catechism says. The Catechism makes clear that obligations proposed by the fourth commandment are not a one-way street: the commandment “includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons.” (2199)

To understand this commandment fully, we need to start with the structure and meaning of the family unit itself. Family begins with marriage, and marriage begins with the consent of two spouses. A man and a woman, joined in marriage, together with their children form a family. The Catechism says this structure of family should be “considered the normal reference point by which the different forms of family relationships are to be evaluated.” (2202)

The Christian family is meant to be a “sign and image” of the communion that exists within the Holy Trinity. By procreating and educating children, parents mirror the work of the Father. By participating in prayer and Mass, the family shares in the sacrifice of Christ. The family has an “evangelizing and missionary task.” (2205)

The Catechism says that relationships within a family bring with it a host of strong feelings, all of which should rise from the mutual respect members of the family have for one another. It calls the family a “privileged community.” (2206)

The family is also known as “the original cell of social life.” What does that mean? Well, the Catechism indicates the family is the “natural society” and explains that the authority, stability, and relationships found within a family form the foundations for the freedom, security, and common brotherhood within society as a whole. It is within our families that we first learn right from wrong and get the foundation of our morality and faith. “Family life is an initiation into life in society.” (2207)

Being part of a family means more than just looking out for the people who sit across from you at the dinner table. It means looking beyond your front door to care for your extended family and also for the human family as a whole, particularly those who need some extra help—old people, sick people, poor people. And it means getting involved in promoting or defending “social measures” that influence society. (2208–2209)

True Confessions

While making no specific statements about civil protections for same-sex unions, the Catechism notes that the Catholic Church is opposed to so-called “same-sex marriages.” This is because the Church regards the union of a man and a woman in marriage as the foundation of society that is grounded in natural law and moral law. The Church says, in Gadium et Spes, that civil authorities have a “grave duty” to acknowledge the “true nature of marriage and family and to “protect and foster” both. (2210)

Duties of Children and Parents

It’s pretty obvious from the basic message of this commandment that children have certain duties toward their parents. First comes honor and respect. Children are to respect their parents, not out of fear but out of gratitude for the gift of life and for all their parents have done to help them grow “in stature, wisdom, and grace.” (2215)

This respect is shown through obedience, of course. The Catechism says children living at home with their parents should obey their parents whenever they ask for something that would benefit either the child in particular or the family as a whole. The same holds true for the “reasonable directions” of teachers. However, children do not have to obey anything that is morally wrong. (2217)

Once children have grown up and moved out, they still have duties to their parents. They may not have to obey anymore, but they still have to respect them, and the Church teaches that children should help their parents with “material and moral support” when they are old, ill, or lonely. (2218)

Harmony in the family is not limited to parents and children but must exist between siblings. Respectful sibling interaction shows respect for the parents as well, which fosters the family unity. “Respect toward parents fills the home with light and warmth.” (2219)

Also, children aren’t the only ones with duties in this family relationship. The Church calls on parents to regard their offspring as “children of God” and to “respect them as human persons.” (2222)

The right and responsibility of educating children belongs, first and foremost, to parents. This is done through a loving home environment where “tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service (meaning you care for and raise your children without worrying about what you might get out of it) are the rule.” Home is where children learn the virtues that will ground their character and guide their judgment later on. It is where children will learn that material possessions are not as important as spiritual strength, and it is where children learn to stand up for what is right and to avoid things that degrade others or threaten society. (2223–2224)

Parents not only have the primary right and responsibility to care for the spiritual and physical needs of their children, but they also have the right to choose a school for them that reaffirms the Christian foundation they are providing. Also, parents should offer counsel, support, and advice to their older children when it is time for them to choose a profession, or state in life, or spouse, without exerting undue influence over them. (2229–2230)

The Catechism says while family ties are important, they are “not absolute,” meaning that parents must respect and encourage whatever vocation God is calling their child to follow, even if that means she’ll never become a lawyer or doctor. (2232)

Teachable Moment

Jesus said, “For whoever does the will of my heavenly Father is my brother, and sister, and mother.” (Matthew 12:49) This means that all people are called to be members of God’s family and to live according to his teaching, loving one another, serving one another, and, in this, doing the will of the Father of Jesus. (2233)

Citizens of the World

The honor outlined in the fourth commandment doesn’t stop at immediate and extended family. It also covers respect due to civil authorities and their duties, as well as respect from authority figures for their position and citizens.

Authority Figures

The Catechism says those in authority should see themselves as servants, and it stresses that no authority figure can “command or establish” something that is in opposition to natural law or the inherent dignity of human beings. Those in authority should govern with the needs and interests of the community at heart, not their own personal needs or desires. (2235–2236)

Political authorities, in particular, are “obliged to respect the fundamental rights of the human person,” paying careful attention to the rights of families and the “disadvantaged.” (2237)

Therefore, the Catechism teaches that the fourth commandment provides a foundation by which public authorities are to be motivated and guided in their service.

For God and Country

So what are the duties of regular citizens? The Church teaches that citizens should “regard those in authority as representatives of God,” while at the same time voicing “just criticisms” of anything that threatens human dignity and the good of the community. (2238)

Citizens are called on to collaborate with authority for the “good of society” and to love and serve their country. Sharing in a country’s common good means paying taxes, exercising the right to vote, and defending the country. (2239–2240)

In this section, the Catechism also explains that “more prosperous nations” are “obliged” to welcome immigrants who are seeking security and a “means of livelihood” not available in their own countries. These “guests” should be respected and protected, and they, in turn, should respect the country that welcomes them and obey its laws. (2241)

True Confessions

The Church teaches that citizens are obliged not to follow civil authorities when demands are in opposition to moral order, fundamental individual rights, or the teachings of the Gospel. “Armed resistance” to political oppression, however, is justified only when certain conditions exist: there are “grave and prolonged” violations of human rights; all other efforts to rectify the situation have been exhausted; it will not “provoke worse disorders”; there is real hope for success; and there is no better solution in sight. (2242–2243)

The Least You Need to Know

The fourth commandment requires us to respect and honor our parents (who hold second place after God) for the gift of life and the love and guidance they give us.

Respect and honor are also owed to siblings and extended family members, as well as civil authorities acting on behalf of the common good.

Authorities are servants who should respect the fundamental rights of the people they serve.

Citizens are called to collaborate with authorities for the good of society, to love and serve their country, pay taxes, vote, and defend their country.

No one is obliged to follow a civil authority that demands something in opposition to moral order.