CHAPTER 8

Improving Your Listening Skills

“I missed that announcement. When did that happen?”

“Are you sure you told me about the change in location?”

“I didn’t hear a thing about the new policy.”

“You never listen to me. I might as well be talking to a wall socket.”

In a world of almost unlimited communication modes and wireless devices all around us, making them all but ubiquitous, we seem to be sorely lacking one of our most critical communication skills: listening. We have to admit that our culture does not encourage listening. Talk show guests and interviewers fight each other to be heard, speaking all at once. We talk on the telephone while surfing the Web, sending e-mails, or watching TV. Workplace “conversations” take place amid all kinds of competition for our attention—the computer screen, that stack of mail on our desk, the intriguing argument going on in the next cubicle.

Although we give lip service to its importance, listening gets little attention in a society that rewards the talker. Someone once said that conversation has become a competitive sport where the first person to draw a breath is declared the listener and thus relegated to the sideline. Indeed, we often view listening as a nonactivity. We state our intention not to participate in the meeting by saying that we’re just going to “listen.”

In the now-classic Rankin Study at Ohio State University, Paul Rankin discovered that listening makes up about 45 percent of our total communication activity, and yet we have almost no formal training in the act of paying rapt attention when someone else has the floor. We learn in school how to read, how to write, how to make speeches, and how to debate. How many of us ever took an academic course in developing the ability to listen to each other?

LISTENING FOR SUCCESS

The costs of not listening can run high. In addition to missing important information, you may fail to recognize problems or impending crises, and you may turn off friends, coworkers, clients, and family members. People quickly recognize that what they have to say doesn’t count much with someone who is interested only in talking People who talk excessively without taking time to listen come across as self-absorbed and egotistical—and perhaps indeed they are.

The following recommendations may help you become a more effective listener.

Learn to want to listen. Contrary to conventional wisdom, listening is anything but passive. It requires an enormous amount of mental energy, concentration, desire, and a certain degree of unselfishness. We must commit to using our intellectual and emotional vitality to focus on hearing what someone has to say and then to process that information accurately and completely. Given that we think at a speed of about 500 words per minute and most people speak at a rate of about 150 words per minute, one might suppose that we would use that excess time to digest and integrate the data. On the contrary, our minds usually grab the available seconds to think about something else.

Deciding that listening is an important skill that you need and want to develop is the first step toward being a better listener.

Listen with more than your ears. You would be wise to listen with your eyes, mind, and heart, in addition to your ears, because the message consists of more than the words. Are the speaker’s facial expressions, eye contact, and posture consistent with his or her words, or are you receiving mixed signals? Do the words say “I’m on board” while the body language says “I’d rather be anywhere but here”?

The verbal portion of a message is often just the tip of the iceberg. If you tend to accept everything at its most literal and surface level, you may miss the more important meanings behind the words. “We ran into a little glitch” might actually mean, “The chances of our being ready for this big demo are slim to none.”

In any listening situation, be sure to listen for the facts and to read the nonverbal signals.

Identify and eliminate distractions. Distractions stem from both internal and external sources. Perhaps a family matter is concerning you, or you are super excited about your upcoming trip to Costa Rica. Maybe you woke up with a migraine, or the blaster burrito you had for lunch is playing havoc with your digestive system. Or you’ve got the presentation of your life in an hour and you can’t stop obsessing over it.

Let’s face it. Sometimes, no matter how commendable our intentions, we just aren’t in the frame of mind to concentrate on what someone is saying. If you find yourself in this situation, consider making an appointment to listen at a later time. “Joe, I’m sorry, but I’m still fuming about what a jerk that customer can be. Give me a half-hour to decompress and debrief the boss, and then I’ll be able to give you my full attention.”

Most people would appreciate your honesty and be flattered that you care enough about what they have to say to find a better time to listen.

Be aware of and control your hot buttons. No matter how open-minded we claim to be, we all carry emotional baggage that interferes with our ability to listen. William Isaacs, consultant and author of Dialogue: The Art of Thinking Together, calls it “listening from disturbance,” meaning we listen from our emotional memories rather than the current moment. Words, phrases, and voice inflections—even a person’s appearance—can trigger negative reactions that shut down our receptivity. For example, the woman making a presentation who looks and sounds alarmingly like your Aunt Carmella, whose visits you always dreaded, is going to face a particular challenge getting through to you. And since she has no clue about your private hang-ups, she can’t take action to neutralize them.

Recognize your personal listening inhibitors and develop a game plan to minimize their effects. Develop your ability to separate a legitimate reaction from a knee-jerk reflex, and focus on overcoming the latter when you’re listening. For example, if a certain tone of voice or trite expression always sets you off, commit to getting past it and listening to what the speaker has to say.

Avoid appearing superior or condescending. Being a good listener puts you in the unique position of affirming another person in an active way, but it also opens up countless possibilities for your own development. Don’t presume that what another person is saying will be irrelevant or that the person can’t possibly tell you anything you don’t already know. What you have to say comes from the information, knowledge, and wisdom that you have already accumulated. When you listen, however, you expand your horizons, increase your understanding, and might even gather material for the time when you are doing the talking.

Above all, listening shows respect for another person, and being a good listener enables you to forge strong relationships that can deliver long-term benefits.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Listening gets little attention in a society that rewards the talker.

Listening is anything but passive; it requires mental energy, concentration, commitment, and a certain degree of unselfishness.

To be a better listener, eliminate distractions and control your emotional hot buttons.

Realize that learning comes from listening.