CHAPTER 26
He Said, She Said
When the Gender Gap Seems as Wide as the Grand Canyon
Several decades of debate and wrangling about the differences between the sexes have yielded at least one area on which most members of both sexes can agree: Gender has nothing to do with a person’s ability to do a job, but men and women are different. But you already knew that, didn’t you? Conversational, problem-solving, and decision-making styles, although certainly unique to individuals, often exhibit themselves in certain discernible patterns according to gender.
The more you understand some of those differences, the less inclined you’ll be to react negatively when you confront them in stressful situations.
MEN AND WOMEN REALLY ARE DIFFERENT
A huge body of work exists on this subject, and theories abound about the source of these differences. Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, is a leading authority on the topic. Tannen points out that even though we all agree that generalizing and stereotyping are largely demonized in our society, there is truth to some of the generalizations about gender and communications. Furthermore, our ability to understand and classify patterns of behavior helps us move past the generalizations and opens the door to a workable method for addressing differences in behavior and creating stronger working and personal relationships.
Just about everyone at one time or another has lived with a member of the opposite sex—whether a parent, sibling, partner, spouse, or roommate. As a result of these experiences, we can all share some of the humorous and frustrating approaches to the world around us that emanate from the other gender. And we have, on occasion, been befuddled and frustrated by our seeming inability to communicate with each other. It’s often enough to make us think that we come from different planets.
Experts hypothesize about whether these differences are biological, environmental, or both. But instinctively, most of us know that, beginning in the nursery, men and women have been dealt with and treated differently. Their parents talk to them differently and expect disparate conversation from them. And, as they begin to socialize, children interact with others in contrasting manners. According to Tannen, boys tend to play outside, in large groups, with a distinctly structured hierarchy, consisting of a leader who expects to have his position challenged regularly. Girls play in smaller groups, in less competitive activities, where everyone takes a turn and no one necessarily wins or loses.
As adults in the workplace, grown-up boys and girls still struggle with or seek to leverage these differences. Tannen points out that women’s communication often aims at intimacy while men’s interactions and communication styles have to do with establishing status. For example, even today, many women may still downplay their accomplishments in order to avoid resentment and perhaps ostracism. Men, on the other hand, make sure that others recognize their accomplishments, in order to gain their respect.
The fact that women like to talk isn’t just a myth. A 2006 study discovered that women talk about three times as much as men in a given day, with the average woman chalking up 20,000 words in a day—13,000 more than the average man, who speaks around 7,000 words.
BRIDGING THE GENDER DIVIDE
What can we do to bridge the chasm that sometimes demands huge amounts of energy to deal with and creates more than a little dissension, which can interfere with productivity and sabotage morale? Perhaps a few reminders for understanding the differences between the genders can create a more harmonious and synergistic workplace where everyone benefits.
Recognize potential differences in conversational styles.
“She started telling me about a problem, and I offered what I thought was a perfectly good solution. It seemed to make her angry.”
“He always seems impatient when I try to explain something. He keeps interrupting me, telling me to get to the point.”
“Why can’t she just tell me the facts without making it sound like a soap opera?”
“A simple thank you would be nice.”
These comments, and many like them, stem from our bewildered reactions to differences that often occur when men and women communicate. Recognizing inherent communication differences and using what we learn to accommodate each other and avoid strife in the workplace can help us to appreciate the many ways we are alike.
In a typical conversation, men state their ideas, opinions, and requests directly, using few words and little reliance on an emotional appeal. Women, on the other hand, will use conversation to build relationships and to connect with others. Jane Thomas, author of the Guide to Managerial Persuasion and Influence, notes that women often use questions to keep the conversation flowing while men use questions as simply requests for information. Whereas a man will more often tend toward advocacy of ideas, women frequently employ the technique of inquiry to create a collaborative environment and gain input from others.
When dealing with issues or problems, women habitually like to describe the situation as a way of either venting about the subject or organizing their thoughts while talking. On the other hand, when presented with a problem, men feel the need to go into a “fix it” mode immediately, or they interpret the complaint as a personal attack. For example, if a female coworker stops at a male coworker’s desk and says, “The copier was out of paper—again,” the man’s response may be, “Well, it’s not my job to keep it stocked.” In reality, the woman is probably not telling the man because she thinks it’s his fault. She just wants someone to show sympathy for her frustration and inconvenience.
In meetings, presentations, or classrooms, women nod and smile—encouraging and supporting the conversation without necessarily agreeing with the content. Men sit there, often expressionless and without making eye contact, taking an occasional note, yet suddenly their comment or response reveals that they are totally engaged in the discussion.
Identify and accommodate yourself to your audience’s needs. As in any communication situation, effectiveness increases when each party makes an effort to give the other party what he or she needs. In Gender Games, Candy Tymson offers the following advice for workplace communication.
FOR MEN
Avoid dominating conversations.
Refrain from interrupting.
Remember to use “please” and “thank you” when directing, ordering, or requesting.
FOR WOMEN
Don’t dilute your comments with phrases such as “Isn’t it?” or “Don’t you think?”
Avoid inserting too much personal information into conversations; rather, focus on job-related topics.
Promote yourself, when appropriate, by letting others know of your achievements.
Be aware of potential differences in nonverbal communication. Although we all communicate through body language, eye contact, and gestures, certain types of nonverbal communication seem to be favored by either men or women. Typically, women tend to smile more, stare less, use touch to express support and comfort, and send a lot of messages with their facial expressions.
Conversely, men characteristically maintain more reservation and control of their facial expressions, although they may gesture more. Men tend to use more personal space than women and often are accused of invading others’ space, particularly if the “other” is female. (Think of the last time you were crammed into a crowded airplane. Who laid claim to the common armrest?)
If you’re a woman, monitor your body language and facial expressions to avoid signaling agreement if you don’t concur. And if you’re male, make an effort to show your interest and attentiveness more actively. This can go a long way toward building productive associations and alliances.
Avoid mimicking the other gender’s behavior. Being comfortable in your own skin (and that includes your own gender) is a key part of being a competent, credible, and mature adult. Studies show that when one gender seeks to take on the communication behaviors of the other, the results are less than satisfying. For example, a woman in business who tries to be “one of the boys” usually incurs resentment on both sides of the gender divide.
On the other hand, we’re aware enough of gender differences by now to know that certain overarching behaviors really send the opposite sex up the wall, such as women’s need to vent without closure and men’s tendency to demand rather than request. Awareness combined with appropriate compensating behaviors can be useful in making sure that we minimize tendencies that can interfere with productive associations.
A genuine respect for people as individuals can help you accept differences. Remember that different doesn’t mean superior or inferior. In fact, dissimilarities in perspectives regarding problem solving, decision making, and exploring ideas can result in increased creativity, better solutions, and higher-quality work products.
Bear in mind also that gender is merely one aspect of the diversity that informs our uniqueness as human beings. Distinctions in personal style, environment, education, and life experiences all play a part in our behavior and create divergences from what we might consider the norm. For example, although the norm for women is to couch observations or criticisms in neutral remarks, we’ve all known women who are blunt and bottom-line oriented. Similarly, while men in general communicate little through body language, there are men who nod, smile, and encourage during conversation.
When confronted with conduct that makes you uncomfortable, try to discover the intentions of the person whose behavior is disquieting. If other factors indicate that the person’s motives are positive and respectful, it will be easier to get past the irritating behavior. For example, Bob may approach you speaking loudly and waving his arms, but after really listening to him, you may realize that his words are appropriate and not a personal attack aimed at you. Therefore, you might conclude that Bob is under stress and that his “outburst” is his response to the stress. Similarly, you may be bothered that Judith always wants to tell you what’s going on in her life. But upon closer consideration, you may realize that she is trying to show you that she understands the pressure you’re under and the compassion that she feels.
If you can recognize that often someone’s behavior is more likely his or her reaction to a particular situation and not a personal attack, you will be in a much better position to deal with it and react appropriately. Although a certain degree of tolerance is admirable, you should be willing to push back if someone’s behavior, whether from the opposite or same sex, infringes on your ability to make yourself heard and get your ideas across.
Understanding gender differences is merely a place to start as we sort out ways to improve our ability to communicate with each other. We have much to discover from other people, and removing barriers that prevent us from acquiring that important knowledge is always worth the effort.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Differences in both verbal and nonverbal patterns often manifest themselves in intergender communication.
Consciously mimicking the other gender’s typical communication behaviors is rarely productive.
Minimizing behaviors that negatively affect members of the opposite sex may facilitate communication and interaction.
Genuine respect for people as individuals helps overcome personal style and other barriers.