CHAPTER THIRTY
Dealing with a Bully Boss
Remember the playground bully who made you hate recess? Unfortunately, bullies grow up and make their way into the workplace. In many companies, people who love their jobs and are productive contributors dread going to work. Their medicine cabinets are full of antacids and sleep aids. Even highly skilled professionals start to doubt their abilities. If this description sounds all too familiar, you may be suffering at the hands of a bully boss.
BULLY OR DEMANDING MANAGER?
What sets a bully boss apart from the manager who is simply tough and demanding—or perhaps just a grump? The big difference is that bullies make it personal.
You can recognize a bully boss by these behaviors:
Abuses you verbally and nonverbally
Humiliates you in front of others
Doesn’t recognize boundaries and intrudes into your personal time (e.g., calls you at 6:00 a.m. when you are on vacation)
Makes you feel like something is wrong with you if you disagree
Never apologizes or admits mistakes
Withholds resources (time, equipment, information, and/or training) to show power or to retaliate
In the schoolyard, bullies tend to pick on smaller or weaker children, often to assert control in an uncertain social environment in which they feel vulnerable. However, adult bullies in positions of authority are often already dominant and in many cases highly successful. Therefore, they are just as likely to pick on a strong subordinate as a weak one, says Dr. Gary Namie, director of the Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute in Bellingham, Washington. Women are as likely as men to be the aggressors, but women are overwhelmingly the targets.
Unfortunately, this behavior is contagious. Studies show that bullies often spawn mini-bullies in their middle managers or first-line supervisors. Consequently, a bullying culture breeds throughout a department or a company.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU HAVE A BULLY BOSS
While it may seem that you are completely powerless, there are steps you can take to respond to a bully boss.
Avoid becoming a target. Every office bully leaves some people alone. In almost every case they are the people who, from the beginning, refused to be bullied. Stand your ground without flinching and refuse to continue the conversation until the bully settles down. During the interaction, stay calm, look the bully in the eye, deal with the issues, and avoid trying to counter personal attacks.
Don’t feed the beast. Some people mistakenly believe that going out of your way to be cooperative, pleasant, and endearing will make the problem go away. Sam Horn, author of Take the Bully by the Horns: Stop Unethical, Uncooperative, or Unpleasant People from Running and Ruining Your Life, asserts that attempts to get along with the bully will ultimately backfire, confirming the bully’s assessment of your weakness and vulnerability.
Don’t count on help from your coworkers. Says Dr. Calvin Morrill, who studies corporate culture at the University of California at Irvine: “Workers become desensitized, tacitly complicit, and don’t always act rationally.” They’re so happy they aren’t the target that they will lie low and let you take the heat.
If you choose to report the bully boss, make sure to document incidents thoroughly. If you choose to challenge the bully boss by going to human resources or to the bully’s manager, make sure that you carefully document the specifics of each incident, including naming witnesses, advises Jay MacDonald in “Beating a Bullying Boss.” Putting it in writing requires the company to follow up or be liable.
Be warned, however, that bullies are often good at “managing up,” so their managers may not be aware of the issue and don’t want to hear about your problem. Furthermore, most people know that going around your boss is risky, and often the person who reports the bad behavior comes across as a whiner or troublemaker.
If all else fails, cut your losses and leave. You may love your job, but if your discomfort outweighs the rewards, start developing an exit strategy. You don’t have to quit on the spot, but commit to finding a better situation. Consider contacting a professional search firm to help you move on.
Unfortunately, in many ways, we live in a Survivor world. The aggressive, manipulative tough guy often seems to have the upper hand, even as companies struggle to create productive, supportive communities. Bullies aren’t going away, but you can protect yourself by recognizing them and acting decisively to avoid being their victim.
WHAT IF YOU ARE THE BULLY? WARNING SIGNS TO ALERT YOU
People look startled or even frightened with you approach them at work.
You ask colleagues, particularly subordinates, to do things for you that you could just as easily do for yourself.
You take your frustrations out on people you see as weak or incompetent.
People hesitate to tell you bad news.
You blame others when things go wrong.
You tend to label people as naysayers, freeloaders, complainers, (according to Susan Annunzio of thebuildnet work.com).
You rarely apologize.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Know the difference between a bully boss and a demanding manager.
Realize that bullies target people they see as weak or vulnerable.
Bullies in positions of power often spawn “mini-bullies” in an organization.
Recognize when you need to cut your losses and leave the situation.