You Can Prevent Some Conflicts!

Some conflicts can be prevented entirely and others can be nipped in the bud. Just think of how much energy and effort you would save if you could reduce the number of conflicts you have to deal with at work. Why expose yourself to more stress than necessary when you can keep many conflicts from happening at all and other conflicts from getting out of hand? Also, you’ll save your staff’s time, too, if you apply some of these ideas.

Use What You Know about Your Conflicts

Throughout this book, you have been learning about the conflicts you have at work, how you react, and what causes conflicts. Many of these ideas and activities will help you and your staff prevent conflicts from developing or at least from escalating. Let’s review some.

In Chapter 2, you identified the kinds of conflicts you have. You looked for patterns. From this you should now know when and where and with whom you often have conflicts. If you have asked staff people to log their conflicts, they will also know their patterns.

For instance, if you have conflicts when you are tired, overstressed, or even on certain days of the week or month, you can be extra careful at those times. Prevent conflicts by making the commitment to delay dealing with a conflict when you are most vulnerable. Postpone discussions about a conflict issue until a better time can be found for all involved.

What did you find out about where you have conflicts? Are they mostly at work and less so at home, or vice versa? What is it about the work or home situation that creates conflicts?

Maybe you are having a lot of work conflicts because you are dissatisfied with your job. Perhaps the problems with your spouse have festered too long and now the conflicts are more frequent and much more serious.

With whom do you have conflicts? Admit it, we all have some people with whom we just do not get along. Can you avoid these people? If so, stop as much contact as possible. Try to work with people whom you trust and respect and you will prevent some conflicts.

If you must work with someone you do not like or do not respect, go the extra mile to make the effort to understand them better. Go someplace away from work, perhaps over breakfast, and aim to get better acquainted on a personal level. Do not talk about work. Instead talk about your growing up experiences, schools you’ve gone to, what your children are like, and how you each spend your leisure time. You will probably find this person a little less difficult after you know more about his or her background and values. This alone will keep some conflicts from developing.

Use What You Know about How
You React to Conflicts

In Chapter 3, you reviewed all the different ways people react when they are in a conflict. You found that some reactions were productive and some weren’t. You can prevent some conflicts from escalating if you understand and monitor your reactions.

For instance, if you automatically react emotionally or defensively, come out fighting, or get angry, you can work to change these reactions. Granted, it won’t be easy, but you can make these changes. One technique to use is to just stop before you react. When you feel the strong emotions rising, stop, take a deep breath, smile, get up and walk around, go get some coffee … do anything you can physically, before you speak again. This will slow down your reaction.

Another technique is to not react until you first ask some probing questions of the person you are having the conflict with. Ask, “What’s really happening here?” “Can you give me an example?” When you ask for more information, you gain understanding about the causes of the conflict and you slow down your reaction.

As a manager, once you understand and control some of your reactions, you will be in a better position to help some of your staff who needs to do the same. Just curbing strong reactions to conflicts can keep many conflicts from getting out of hand.

Use What You Know about the Causes of Conflict

Chapter 4 covered eight categories of causes behind conflicts. Through understanding each of the causes, you can prevent some conflicts from starting or growing.

First, make the effort to always stay in touch with your needs and wants. It you are conscious of them, you can seek ways to meet them. If you ignore these needs and wants, they don’t go away. Instead you will find them getting them met indirectly or in inappropriate ways.

For instance, if you know about your need for approval, you can seek feedback more frequently from others so they can give you the words you need to hear. If you know about your need for food on a regular basis, you can accommodate that need and always have healthy snack food in your desk drawer or carry a small snack bag in the car.

Second, clarify your values and let others know what is important to you. Take time to ask others to share their core values. Agree to respect each other’s values. This knowledge and acceptance will prevent many conflicts from ever happening.

For instance, if you value promptness and you do not let others know about this standard, you will have a conflict with people who are chronically late. If you talk with the latecomers, you may gain understanding about what is happening in their lives and what they value. From this joint understanding, you should be able to iron out a compromise and prevent future conflicts.

Third, when a conflict emerges, compare your perceptions with whomever else is involved. You may discover that this conflict is really not that serious, just a misperception. Once this is calmly cleared up, the conflict will disappear.

Fourth, open up your communications to obtain useful knowledge or information. The goal is to increase the amount of information both of you know rather than keeping it hidden. This technique will keep some conflicts from escalating.

Fifth, when a conflict emerges, check your assumptions. You may discover that this conflict is really based on the way you drew assumptions from What just happened. Once this is calmly cleared up, the conflict will disappear.

Sixth, take time to clarify and share your expectations with one another, whether it is between you and a direct report or among team members. Remember that the initial clarification is only the beginning. When people forget or neglect to review these expectations, conflict will occur. However, if you schedule time to review them periodically, you will prevent some conflicts from getting started.

Seventh, remember that the powerful messages you got growing up do not have to drive your adult life. Be selective. Review your childhood messages and choose those that are still appropriate for the present. Consciously discard the others.

Eighth, the fact that you are reading this book indicates that you are willing to learn more about how to deal with conflicts. Use this new knowledge and apply it in your everyday work. With time, you will see your comfort level about conflicts rising. You will notice there are fewer conflicts with which to deal. Of course, those around you benefit because you are modeling behaviors that others can emulate.

Hold a Conflict Trash Ceremony

Sometimes it helps to diffuse some of the anxiety over stressful problems with some humor. You can do the Conflict Trash Ceremony alone in your office. Or you can do it with your staff, especially if they have been learning tog ether about conflict.

This ceremony works well with those less serious conflicts. The idea behind this ceremony is to discard the small conflicts, the small hurts, the small disappointments, and the small stresses … to let them go.

Here is how you would do it with others.

First, for one week, everyone records their conflicts on small pieces of paper.

Then when the group gets together, each individual looks over their slips and sorts them into three piles.

1.  Conflicts that can easily be discarded because they are really not that important

2.  Conflicts that a require minimal effort to resolve

3.  More serious conflicts

Set up a ceremony with a trash can. The group stands around it with the slips of paper from the first pile of conflicts, those that are minor. One person takes one paper at a time, crumbles it up, and throws it in the can. If they wish, they can say what they want about the conflicts they are throwing away. This continues until everyone has thrown away their minor conflicts.

This ceremony should provide some relief. It will also dissipate some of the emotions that always coexist with conflicts and perhaps keep them from escalating.

If your staff works well together, they could use their problem-solving skills to help each other resolve the more important conflicts. Additional techniques for resolving conflicts are found in the next chapter.