JANELLE FOUND HERSELF revealing to her boss that she was expecting while at a company party. They were chatting in line for dessert when her boss left for a second to get in the champagne line. She came back with two glasses and offered Janelle one. Caught off guard, Janelle blurted out, “No, thanks, I'm pregnant. Surprise!” To her relief, her boss laughed and hugged her, and they offered the extra glass of champagne to the guy behind them, who laughed, too.

Javier, equally caught off guard, didn't have such a positive start. His manager called him into his office to ask if the rumor that Javier and his husband were adopting was true. When Javier responded that, yes, the news was true, his manager did not smile or congratulate him. Instead he took a passive-aggressive approach and indicated his expectations by reminding Javier that the company policy offered men only two weeks paid leave; the three-month paid leave policy was reserved for birthing mothers. Javier, who had thought he had more time before he had to make his announcement, was unprepared for how to best respond.

As Janelle and Javier's stories show us, you can't always predict when your announcement will happen. However, as much as possible, it is a good idea to try. Your announcement is your first opportunity to kick-start a successful leave and return and can set the tone for your entire three-phase parental leave transition. Although you may have legitimate fears of pregnancy discrimination, being passed over for an opportunity because of impending leave, or worries about how others will perceive your commitment to work, your power lies in setting the scene and striking the tone for your announcement, as well as how you interpret and respond to the reactions you get.

If you have already announced and you don't feel like it went as well as you would have liked, don't worry: there are plenty of ways to reposition yourself and reclaim the tone and direction your transition takes.

When It Goes Badly …

There are many cautionary tales of announcements that have gone off the rails. They mostly involve managers or coworkers having knee-jerk reactions and/or saying something inappropriate or hurtful. Of course, how other people respond to your news is beyond your control (and almost always about them, not you). However, announcements that are poorly timed or communicated can contribute to a rough transition—and that is within your control. Javier made the mistake of telling his coworkers before he told his boss and ended up feeling cornered and unprepared. His boss likely felt caught off guard, too, when he heard from someone else about Javier's plans and was left wondering if they were true and why Javier wasn't telling him. (Whether his boss realized it or not, he may have called Javier into his office and responded from a negative place because his feelings were hurt by not being included earlier—a very human reaction.) By telling his coworkers first, Javier put his boss in an uncomfortable position where he was left with few choices other than asking Javier directly if the rumors were true, which was bound to feel confrontational. If Javier had chosen to tell his boss before his colleagues, his announcement would have happened on his own terms. Plus, it never feels good to a manager (or anyone!) to be left out of news that affects them. I have yet to see this approach go over well with leadership.

When It Goes Well …

When you make a well-timed, thoughtful and confident announcement, you, your manager, and your team are given the time and clarity needed to communicate and prepare for your absence. Identify and propose ways your leave can be used as an opportunity to improve team communication and cross-train or skill-up junior staff. Using this approach, you'll feel confident and supported as you prepare for your vital time away and your manager and team won't feel like they have been left holding the bag, which can create a breeding ground for resentment and make your reentry more difficult.

Preparing to Announce

Before you announce, it will be helpful to spend some time reflecting on how you want the conversation to go. Picture the outcome you want and think of ways you can frame the announcement and what language you can use to steer things to a positive interpretation of your news. Even with scary managers and in companies with dreadful cultures concerning leave, I have seen time and again that when clients assume it will go well, it does, and when they assume it will go poorly, it also does. I'm not saying you can control what others feel, do, or say, but they are influenced by your mindset, tone, and approach.

Key Elements of a Good Announcement

Here are elements to consider before making your announcement.

If You've Already Announced

If you have already made your announcement before reading this book and you are feeling a negative impact from it, do not lose sleep over it. There is no time like the present to pivot and adopt a tone and planning strategy that can turn things around. Again, even though you can't control the reactions of others, attitude is contagious. An apologetic tone sends the signal that there is a problem. A self-assured tone will help put people at ease. If, however, there is something to apologize for, by all means do, and then move on.

If you are experiencing major fallout from the way you announced, you may need to schedule a few one-on-one discussions to set things right. Alfonzo, a project manager and father expecting twins for his second time around, wanted to take an extended leave to support his wife on bedrest and then be there to share in caregiving after the birth. His announcement had not gone over well, and his manager had made it clear that he didn't want Alfonzo to be gone long for paternity leave because they were all working under a tight deadline. Alfonzo knew a reset was needed. Given the animosity he was feeling from his manager, we decided the best place for him to start would be with his HR representative. This enabled Alfonzo to informally document the issue and get advice from someone who could influence outcomes. He was able to get more information about his company's policies and create an ally whom he could call on if needed. But rather than go back in frustration or anger, Alfonzo decided to reapproach his manager with a plan that addressed his biggest concerns. It was as simple as him saying that he had been thinking about how he wanted to handle his leave given the tight deadline his manager was working to meet. He consciously reset the tone to one of open communication, showing confidence in his plan as he shared his ideas about what he could get done ahead of time and which pieces he would transfer to whom. Doing this demonstrated empathy toward his manager's predicament, and, though admittedly not thrilled, his manager felt like his concerns were addressed. He agreed to Alfonzo's proposed plan and backed him in making it happen.

Ongoing Communication

After your announcement, make open communication an ongoing priority by scheduling regular meetings with your manager. Together, you can plan what needs to be communicated to the larger team and when.

Depending on your organization's size and your situation, you may also want to contact your HR representative so you can learn your organization's parental leave and flexible work policies. (Keep in mind that, depending on the size of your organization and how much thought this topic has been given by HR, you might be disappointed with what you find. It is not uncommon for companies to have no policies or direction.) Often, if there is good information to be had, you can find it on your company intranet or employee assistance program (EAP) website. Do not be afraid to ask questions and get clarification on anything that is unclear. The patchwork of laws and policies that govern leaves is often confusing—even to people who deal with it all the time.

In companies with policies and those without, it can be helpful to reach out to a trusted colleague who has recently been in your shoes and ask them to tell you about their experience, including anything that went well, things that were unexpected, and things they wish they had done differently. More and more workplaces offer parent support groups or employee resource groups (ERGs) devoted to working parenthood. These are useful places to learn from the experiences of others and gain a sense of community. Many parents have told me how the people they met in these groups became their dear friends as they navigated working parenthood together, sharing tips, experiences, and mutual support as their children grew.

When Someone Says the Wrong Thing

It is a good idea to assume that someone will make a thoughtless or insensitive comment at some point once you announce. This can be destabilizing in the moment, but expecting it will happen helps reduce the sting. When humans encounter a new situation, see someone doing something differently than they think it “should” be done, or see someone doing it how they wish they had, they can often respond defensively or in an off-putting manner. This usually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. As a working parent you are going to encounter comments that feel judgmental or intrusive. They may be minor, like when a client's neighbor told her, “My babies always wore hats from September through April,” while pointedly staring at her baby's hatless head, or they may be more harmful, such as when a different client's teammate told their boss that he should be given an important work trip instead of my client because “he's got a new baby at home; do you think his wife is going to let him go anywhere?”

Use any jarring responses to your announcement as welcome prompts to get yourself to think about and practice how you want to respond to these types of comments now and far into the future. You can choose to be annoyed and add another check mark in the mental column of reasons to avoid that person, or you can use it as an opportunity to develop your mental strength and agility—a key skill of working parenthood now and, well, forever.

Amy Morin, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do,¹ puts it this way: “Allowing others to control the way you think, feel, or behave gives them power over you. And you certainly don't want to let negative, snarky comments influence how you feel about yourself. … Reframe your upsetting thoughts, take deep breaths to stay calm, and walk away from the situation…”²

The Broader Impact of Your Leave

Bear in mind that parental leave will bring about a transition for your broader team and clients, too. Some team members will be excited about your news, and others may be concerned about what it means for them. In the same vein as your response to judgmental comments, use this as an opportunity to focus on not getting defensive if you are met with some attitude. Defensiveness only escalates conflict and makes it harder for you to reach your goals. Instead, adopt a curious mindset to better understand where their concerns lie and work to reassure them that your plans aim to create a smooth transition for them, too. As much as possible, refocus attention on whatever task is at hand. As concrete plans come visibly into focus, other people's concerns are likely to decrease.

Take the Lead

As you navigate these early days of your transition, don't wait for others to make the first move. Managers and colleagues can feel uneasy about overstepping boundaries when it comes to your personal family life, and even if they are not conscious of it, they may be looking for you to take the lead—and are relieved when you do. Remember, this is an opportunity for you to set the tone with confidence and clarity.

References