Working Families Suffer

As if it were not enough that most parents lose wages while staying home to bond with a new child, many families who welcome a child by giving birth face exorbitant health care costs and inadequate health insurance. Big hospital bills hit just when paychecks shrink or temporarily disappear.

New parents are also at risk for mental health challenges during this period, regardless of their path to parenthood (birth, adoption, surrogacy, etc.). Many parents suffer in silence without ever getting proper care, fearing stigma or even that their children will be taken from them if they confess to a serious struggle.

When it is time to go back to work, they often need to seek and pay for infant childcare (and in many cases, care for older children), the average costs of which range from $9,000 to $24,000 per child per year for in-center care, depending on where you live.³ The cost to hire a private nanny can run even higher.

High childcare expenses often drive one parent to leave the workforce—or quit a more formal career in favor of work in the gig economy, which provides more flexibility but fewer (if any) benefits and often lower wages. In two-parent heteronormative relationships, most of the time, it is the mothers who stay home and care for the children, both because of caregiving stereotypes and because they often earn less. As a result, our workplaces and society miss out on their talent, and these women lose out on advancement opportunities, benefits, retirement savings, and more. The coronavirus pandemic that began in 2020 put even more pressure on working families, particularly mothers. In fact, according to the National Women's Law Center, between February 2020 and January 2021, more than 2.3 million women, compared to nearly 1.8 million men, were pushed out of the labor force, meaning they were not working or looking for work.⁴ That's over a half million more women than men.

These are tough circumstances by any measure, and many families face additional challenges if fertility, pregnancy, or birth are complicated and if mom or baby end up having medical issues. Some parents who have waited until their late thirties or early forties to have children may also join the “sandwich generation,” caring for their aging parents while also caring for young children and trying to work.

In Chapter 16 we will cover additional challenges such as those faced by single parents, those who belong to underrepresented and marginalized communities, LGBTQ+ parents, and more.

Managers Are Left to Fend for Themselves

Parents aren't the only ones affected by the policy and practice vacuum concerning parental leave. Managers and supervisors face serious challenges when one of their team members is planning to welcome a new child. Most companies lack a transparent process to let employees know what benefits are available to them, much less a standardized procedure to help them prepare to hand off their duties and pick them back up when they return. Managers are often left without resources to figure out how to juggle the workload and the tools needed to provide support to the new parent and cover team.

Furthermore, managers are not trained in what to say and how to say it. Many are afraid to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing and sparking hurt feelings—or worse, a gender or pregnancy discrimination lawsuit. This moment could be a powerful opportunity to increase team trust and communication, provide support to new parents (thus boosting employee loyalty and retention), and grow junior staff members' skills during the coverage period. Instead, it is often handled so badly that it has all the opposite effects: communication fails, morale dips, and people quit.

Companies Are Expected to Do the Work of Society

When I decided to dedicate my career to helping parents through this transition, I was very thoughtful about the most efficient way to do it. The truth is that this is not parents' problem to solve. It's a systemic problem. One which today's companies are in a unique position to fix—and benefit from its solution. In part because the effort for a paid leave law was already well established and given my area of expertise in organizational development and executive coaching, I decided to focus the bulk of my efforts on companies, managers, and working parents. For many of us, financial stability and even self-esteem depend on gainful employment. A good boss can make or break the parental leave experience. (If you haven't yet heard someone say you've won or lost “the boss lottery,” you will.)

I wanted to help companies understand the advantages for them in being supportive during this major life transition: an edge over their competitors when it comes to recruitment, better retention, increased growth of their female leadership pipeline, improved morale and productivity for working parents, and improved risk management, to name a few. Too many companies mistakenly categorize parental leave as a one-way “benefit,” when in reality it needs to be seen as a strategic opportunity not to be missed for the whole organization.

Increasingly, leaders within organizations are coming around to this perspective. Starting in 2015 we began to see a spate of major US companies announcing generous parental leave benefits that were in line—or even more generous than—what many European countries offer. Microsoft, one of my company's long-time clients, announced in 2015 that they would offer 12 weeks of 100% paid parental leave to all parents, in addition to the 8 weeks of maternity disability offered to birthing mothers. In making their expansion, Microsoft also realized that policy alone is not enough. Supporting practices must be put in place to require—and influence—culture change. We worked with Microsoft to develop a program that trains employees and managers around the world about how best to navigate the parental leave transition. They were the first company in the country to offer an employee-manager-aligned parental leave training and support program, a pilot so successful that it was rolled out globally.

Once I began working with companies on these issues, I realized how many challenges they face when it comes to parental leave. For example, beyond talent attraction, retention, and compliance issues, lack of a good leave policy also compounds risk management costs. If exhausted new parents come back to work too soon, they present an increased safety risk. AAA's Traffic Safety Advocacy and Research department reported that “a driver who has slept for less than five hours has a crash risk comparable to someone driving drunk.”⁵ Imagine how a sleep-deprived new parent plays that out in the workplace, especially if heavy equipment or important decisions are involved. Having someone come back to work too soon increases health care costs and jeopardizes health and wellness initiatives. If people don't get the time and support they need to heal and rest, their health suffers and insurance costs and absenteeism rates increase.

Ironically, the current trend of individual states passing paid leave can actually hurt companies, because those that operate in multiple states must keep track of and comply with many different (and complicated) laws. This adds a serious cost and administrative burden. I know many parents who couldn't care less about this administrative burden (like Rachael in the introduction) and are simply angry not to have paid leave through their employer, but that frustration is misplaced. This is something our federal government should be solving, not individual companies. According to the Small Business Administration's Office of Advocacy, 99.7% of companies in the United States are small businesses.⁶ When we think of companies, we cannot just think of the Amazons and Googles of the world, with a sense of what they “owe” us.

Small businesses are affected more than larger businesses because larger companies can afford to offer paid leave benefits that attract the best talent, and the administrative costs that come with them. Small businesses often cannot. Even though in most states our current system doesn't legally obligate them to provide paid leave, there are other detrimental financial effects—such as having to pay to replace workers who leave after becoming a parent.

Although I see many companies fighting against the idea that parents should be supported with paid leave to take time away from work to welcome children, I think this is largely due to a lack of information on this issue. It is not easy being in leadership at a company of any size, and leaders often push back on anything that could cut into the bottom line and threaten the solvency or the day-to-day functioning of the company. However, forward-thinking leaders realize that supporting new parents through generous policies and strong support practices can literally pay dividends. It costs far more to recruit and train a new employee than it does to retain an existing one (the Society of Human Resource Management reports the cost of directly replacing an employee can run as high as 50% to 60% of their annual salary; total associated costs of turnover can range from 90% to 200% of an employee's annual salary).⁷ Last, studies show that parents who are healthy (and well rested!) are more productive, more innovative, and even more loyal to their company.⁸

Clearly, the best thing for families and companies would be a generous federal benefit that provides clarity and stability for everyone involved.

Reward 1: Healthier Kids

It may seem obvious to say that when parents are supported through the parental leave transition, they are able to better care for their children, which means better health outcomes for babies. The data support this: a 2017 study found that providing 12 weeks of paid leave in the United States could lead to 600 fewer infant and post-neonatal deaths each year.⁹ (In 2019, the infant mortality rate in the United States was 6 infants in 1,000 live births, twice that of the European Union, where health care and paid parental leave are widely available.)¹⁰ Breastfeeding (if desired) can be smoothly established and last longer. Parents have time to take their child to get vaccinations and checkups as well as notice any developmental delays when an early intervention can mean a better outcome. Everyone sleeps better and has time for the crucial bonding that we know leads to healthier kids (and parents).

Reward 2: Healthier Moms and Birthing Parents

Better supported parental leave also means better health outcomes for birthing parents. It's not just babies who suffer under the current state of things. The maternal death rate in the United States is actually on the rise, despite the global trend downward in the last few decades. In 2017, the United States saw 17 maternal deaths per 100,000 live births.¹¹ The European Union saw just 6 maternal deaths per 100,000 live births in the same year.¹² That's right, the maternal death rate in the United States is nearly three times higher than in the European Union and almost twice as high as in Canada.¹³ It's clear that birthing parents are not getting the care and support they need to thrive. Black moms and moms of color are disproportionately affected¹⁴ (more on this in Chapter 16). When moms are supported to take leave, they have the time and rest they need to recover more quickly and fully, and to get the treatment and screenings that prevent medical and mental health complications related to childbirth so they can return to the workforce more effectively.

Reward 3: Healthier Dads and Non-Birthing Parents

Although dads often face different issues than moms, it is important to highlight their transition. Dads often feel extreme pressure to “provide” for their families, which can lead to overwork and a lack of self-care with serious health impacts. Dads and other non-birthing parents are not immune to perinatal mental health challenges, either. Research shows that 1 in 10 fathers experience depression and anxiety after their child is born.¹⁵ Often, they do not seek help until they are in crisis. Partners of a birthing parent often internalize any emotional or physical difficulties that their partner or child may encounter as a reflection on them and something that they need (and want) to fix. They can be left feeling inadequate and unsure of how to step into their critical role.¹⁶ When we look at outcomes in cases when dad gets paid leave and cultural support for time at home, we see how much it helps. For example, a study on a 2012 Swedish law that granted fathers more access to parental leave found that their partners' need for prescription anti-anxiety medications decreased by 26%.¹⁷ When dads take paternity leave they are more confident as parents, have better relationships with their partners, and are less likely to be separated or divorced for as many as six years later.¹⁸

Reward 4: Healthier Relationships at Work and at Home

When new parents have adequate time, space, and support during the transition to parenthood, it makes for healthier relationships in all spheres. At work, when communication is open and honest and leave planning is thoughtful and transparent, the relationship between the new parent and their manager (and often their team and HR) is strengthened. Team communication and trust as a whole improve when the handoff of duties is clear and well communicated and everyone understands their temporary role. Successful transitions can be used as a model for other teams in the organization and can become standard best practice. At home, parents can bond with their new child and—if there are two parents—with each other, to form equitable caregiving divisions that will prevent future strife and allow them to return to work with confidence that their home is a safe haven to refuel and restore.

Reward 5: Gender Equity

Averaged across all races, women still make only 82 cents for every dollar men make.¹⁹ Of S&P 500 companies, only 6% have women CEOs.²⁰ One of the biggest reasons that women have not yet achieved equity in the workplace is our cultural assumptions about who should be responsible for caregiving at home. Women are de facto caregivers and face bias, whether conscious or unconscious, that they are not as dedicated to their careers because of their current or possible future caregiving responsibilities. When men are empowered to be equal caregivers, not just through policy but through cultural messages, women will finally achieve full equity in the workplace and men will at home. I encourage all employers to offer gender-neutral parental leave and find ways to encourage all employees to take their full leave benefit. It may take time, but the more examples we have of men taking extended leaves to care for their children or other family members, the less we will punish women in terms of pay and opportunity for doing the same thing.

Reward 6: Inclusion of All Types of Families

Although we have made great (and long overdue) strides in this country to recognize and include all types of families, we have a long way to go. And though cisgender, heterosexual couples who have biological children represent the majority of family formations, it does no good to pretend that method of creating a family is somehow preferred or superior. Children, parents, and society as a whole will benefit when we recognize the value of all types of family compositions. No one benefits when certain parents or children feel marginalized. A future that welcomes all families is bright with the rich insights diversity brings.

1. Martin, N., & Montagne, R. (2017). Nothing protects black women from dying in pregnancy and childbirth. ProPublica. https://www.propublica.org/article/nothing-protects-black-women-from-dying-in-pregnancy-and-childbirth
2. Michelson, J. (2021). How small companies can offer great paid-leave programs. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2021/01/how-small-companies-can-offer-great-paid-leave-programs
3. Popper, N. (2020). Paternity leave has long-lasting benefits. So why don't more American men take it? New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/17/parenting/paternity-leave.html#:~:text=Men%20Who%20Take%20Paternity%20Leave%20Are%20Less%20Likely%20to%20Get%20Divorced&text=Their%20research%20demonstrates%20that%20paternity,Unlock%20more%20free%20articles
4. Rehel, E. M. (2014). When dad stays home too: Paternity leave, gender, and parenting. Gender and Society, 28(1), 110–132. https://www-jstor-org.proxy.lib.pdx.edu/stable/43669858?seq=1#metadata_info_tab_contents
5. Same Sex Parents. (2019). Gender neutral/non-binary parent titles. https://www.same-sexparents.com/post/gender-neutral-non-binary-parent-titles