CHAPTER 9
Pass It On
Spreading good news is always win-win
How This Chapter Is a Little Different
Up to now this book has been about what goes into your mind and who puts it there. This chapter is about what you put into other people’s minds.
Let’s begin with these questions: How often do you put positive and uplifting information into the minds of others? Do other people think “good news” when they see you coming or see your name on an incoming email? Many years ago, a friend taught me a life-changing lesson. He said every day of our lives we have the opportunity to add joy to the lives of those around us.
On Being a Life-Enhancer
The highest compliment I can give another person is to say that she or he is a life-enhancer. Life-enhancers are people who consistently make life better for the people they have contact with. Sue Wighton, writing in The Courier Mail in Australia, defines such people this way: “Life-enhancers add sparkle to the meaning of life.” That’s too good to leave out. Let’s go with both definitions.
For one magical year back in the early 1970s, Tim Hansel and I were members of the same high school faculty, even members of the same department. He had transferred from another school in the district, and within a short time he came to be one of the best and most loved friends of my life.
Our friendship began by having lunch together in his classroom early in the year. We were already tired of the gossip and complaining we heard in the faculty dining room, so lunch with Tim became a daily thing. After a short time, I wanted to know more specifically what made Tim tick. How did he become such a positive and life-affirming person? How did he become so joyful?
One thing really stood out. I had never heard Tim say anything negative. I told him that was one of the things I liked most about him and asked if there was a story behind it.
Tim broke out in a bigger smile than usual and said, “There sure is!” He felt he started life luckier than most people because both of his parents were intelligent, loving, caring, and funny. They had a family mission statement and explained it as a standard by which they lived each day. A colorful sign hanging in their kitchen said, ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING GOOD TO SAY. Tim said he tried hard to live up to it, not only to honor his parents but also to reap the rewards. He said it always feels good to make someone else feel good. Tim did it more than anyone I’ve known. He was a master life-enhancer.
He also showed me a little reminder he carried in his pocket to help him stay focused on his family mission statement. It was a passage from the New Testament, Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Tim drew comfort and strength from his faith, but he didn’t preach or broadcast it. He respected others’ beliefs. He made the point that his little reminder didn’t say anything about God or religion. He called it flat-out great advice for anyone, no matter what they believe or don’t believe.
The passage from Ephesians is similar to a passage from the Quran carried by one of my former adult students named Yusuf, who is a Muslim: “Speak that which is kindest.” I didn’t know Yusuf as well as I knew Tim but saw him weekly. He was also a life-enhancer and always had a good word. He shared his pocket reminder when we were learning about Islam in a course on world religions I was teaching. It was Yusuf who reminded us that if we look at the teachings of all faiths, we’ll find something about speaking kind and uplifting words to others. Sharon, a staunch nonbeliever in the class, felt a need to remind everyone that we don’t have to believe in God or any religious system to spread kindness and joy with our words. Her point was well accepted by her classmates. One of them even said “Amen!”
What If You’re an Introvert?
Can introverts be life-enhancers? My students asked this question every time I talked about life-enhancers. The answer is yes. Many people claim that they’re too shy, quiet, or introverted, but you don’t have to be wild and crazy and bubbly to be a life-enhancer. My response is always a story about my mom. She was a humble and gentle person who never wanted to be the center of attention. But she took a genuine interest in others, showed that she cared, and had a kind word for everyone. She wanted to make other people happy. And she did or said whatever made that happen. That’s why she was so loved. She was a life-enhancer—a quiet, soft-spoken one.
Anyone Can Broadcast Happiness
Michelle Gielan has also conducted extensive research in the field of positive psychology. She worked in the mainstream news media for five years. The bad news eventually wore her down. She’s now devoted to doing the opposite: spreading good news and helping others do the same. She urges people in all walks of life to share the positive and believes strongly that anyone can do it.
Michelle suggests we start every kind of communication with something positive. Some of those different types of encounters are talking to a friend in person or on the phone, writing an email or text, starting any type of meeting, conversing with a customer of your business, talking to family members, meeting a person who is new to you, even writing a report. Getting things off to a positive start sets the tone for the conversation in each situation.
Michelle says it all starts with changing our outlook. She calls it refocusing our attention. If we don’t see the good around us, it won’t be in our minds, and it won’t be what we talk about. If we let our natural tendencies rule us, we’ll be far more likely to talk about what’s wrong instead of what’s right. What comes out of our mouths is usually the result of what got our attention and landed in our minds. Look for the good. When you find it, share it with someone.
Having More Fun While Greeting Others
Does the following exchange between two people who know each other sound familiar?
Bill: Hi, Sue.
Sue: Hi, Bill.
Bill: How are you?
Sue: Fine. How are you?
Bill: Fine.
Bill and Sue either go their separate ways or start a conversation, depending on the circumstances. How many times a day does the above exchange, or something similar, occur? I doubt that anyone has researched this, but my guess is that the answer is somewhere in the millions.
I used to hear it about 150 times a day, five days a week. I’m not exaggerating—it was often more than 150 times. Remember, I stood at the door and individually greeted my students before class started. I did this for two reasons: First, I wanted my students to feel welcome. Second, a huge transfusion of energy happened at the door each time the greeting took place. As you know, teenagers have a lot of energy. That’s what I liked most about them. And each time I received a warm greeting at the door it revved me up. I told the kids I was like a rechargeable battery. If I got thirty or more positive greetings before class started, I would be fully charged and be a much more energetic and fun teacher that day. They thought I was kidding, but I was actually telling the truth. We do, in fact, transfer energy into each other.
I started doing this back in the late 1960s and, because I did it five times a day, I became increasingly aware of the ritual of “Hi. How are you? Fine.” It challenged me to come up with something less routine, more creative, and more fun. It didn’t take long. All I had to do was ask myself a simple question: “How do you really feel each time a student gives you a warm greeting?” It was a lot more than “fine.” I was genuinely happy to see almost all of them, so I needed to tell them. Here was the exchange the next day:
Maria is the first student to show up for my 8 a.m. class. I’m at the door. She smiles at me.
Me (also smiling): Hi, Maria.
Maria (still smiling): Hi, Mr. Urban. How are you?
Me (still smiling): I was good, but I’m a lot better now that I’ve seen you.
Maria (now with a bigger smile and laughing): Oh, Mr. Urban, you’re so funny.
Me (still smiling): I’m glad to make you laugh, but I wasn’t trying to be funny. Seeing you first thing in the morning really does make me happy.
Maria (still smiling): Oh, Mr. Urban, you’re so sweet.
Now, please think for a moment about what took place in this greeting that lasted about 30 seconds. Maria was glad to see me. I was glad to see her. We made each other feel good. She felt appreciated, even touched. She made me feel as though I was both funny and sweet. How’s that for win-win in record time? Please understand that I don’t share this story because I want you to think I’m some kind of hero. I’m not. This was another one of those dumb-luck ideas that popped into my head simply because I was a little bored with Hi.-How-are-you?-Fine. I did this with both my teenage and adult students for most of my career. Did I ever get bored with it? Never. Did I ever get tired of saying the same thing so many times in one day? Never, because there are so many variations of “I was good, but I’m a lot better now that I’ve seen you.”
Here are a few examples (all with a smile):
How are you?
“Really good now that you’ve shown up.”
“As good as it gets when I see you.”
“Better every time I see you.”
“Really happy now that you’re here.”
“I’m so thankful that you’re one of my students.”
Four or five students come to the door at the same time. One of them asks, “How are you?” I answer, “Way better now that you guys are here.” I probably had thirty to forty variations of it. The possibilities are endless. And it was always fun and uplifting for two people, the student I greeted and me.
How about outside of school? Did I, or do I, greet friends like this? I did, and still do greet anyone I know and like with “I was good, but better now that I’ve seen you,” or one of its many variations. The response? Always laughter if it’s the first time they’ve heard it. Maybe the first ten times. Following are some of the other responses I’ve heard from adult friends over the years. Men and women differ.
WOMEN
“Oh, you’re so nice (sweet, thoughtful, funny, kind, cute, etc.).”
“Oh, you probably tell all the women that.” My response: “No, just the ones I like.”
“Thank you. I’m glad I have that effect on you.” (all with smiles or laughter)
MEN
“Good one.” (while laughing)
“You’re so full of it.” (while laughing)
“I seem to have that effect on people.” (while laughing)
“You say that every time I see you.” My response: “It’s true every time I see you.”
Guys I see every day—for example, at the gym each morning—often come up to me and, before I can greet them, ask, “Are you better now that you’ve seen me?” My answer: “I sure am. Seeing you this early in the morning is going to make my whole day better.” We both laugh.
EMAIL STARTERS (MEN OR WOMEN)
“Hi, Chris. It’s always good news to see your name pop up.”
“Hi, Pat. Good news! I just got an email from a special friend.”
“Hi, Sam. It’s so good to see your name first thing in the morning.”
Final Suggestion: Get Off to a Good Start
You’re far more likely to find good news and pass it on to others if you start your day on a positive note. A simple way to make this happen is to try to begin each day with some positive input. Plenty of research tells us that how we start the day sets the stage for the rest of it. As Mary Pop-pins said, “Well begun is half done.”
I know some of you are thinking, “But I’m not a morning person. It comes way too early.” And others are thinking, “I have too much to do each morning. I don’t have time to meditate or go outside and smell the roses.” I understand. But even if you’re not a morning person or are crunched for time, you can still start your day in a positive way. Life coach Elyse Santilli emphasizes that “Your first thoughts in the morning can have a huge impact on the attitude, feelings, and energy you carry around with you for the remainder of the day.” The thoughts can come from a variety of sources, and they don’t have to take a lot of time.
The key is to put something that makes you feel good in a place where you’ll see it first thing in the morning. It could be a picture of a person you love or an occasion you never want to forget. It could be your favorite quote, or a book that’s had a lasting impact on you. It could even be a single word or two, such as Bruce Diaso’s thankfulness and opportunity. It could be an object with a positive memory. You’ve heard that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. So is what you feed your mind first thing in the morning.