FROM THE RULES OF LIFE

You’ll get older but not necessarily wiser

There is an assumption that as we get older we will get wiser; not true I’m afraid. The rule is we carry on being just as daft, still making plenty of mistakes. It’s just that we make new ones, different ones. We do learn from experience and may not make the same mistakes again, but there is a whole new pickle jar of fresh ones just lying in wait for us to trip up and fall into. The secret is to accept this and not to beat yourself up when you do make new ones. The Rule really is: be kind to yourself when you do muck things up. Be forgiving and accept that it’s all part of that growing older but no wiser routine.

Looking back, we can always see the mistakes we made, but we fail to see the ones looming up. Wisdom isn’t about not making mistakes, but about learning to escape afterwards with our dignity and sanity intact.

When we are young, ageing seems to be something that happens to, well, old people. But it does happen to us all and we have no choice but to embrace it and roll with it. Whatever we do and whoever we are, the fact is we are going to get older. And this ageing process does seem to speed up as we get older.

You can look at it this way – the older you get, the more areas you’ve covered to make mistakes in. There will always be new areas of experience where we have no guidelines and where we’ll handle things badly, overreact, get it wrong. And the more flexible we are, the more adventurous, the more life-embracing, then the more new avenues there will be to explore – and make mistakes in of course.

As long as we look back and see where we went wrong and resolve not to repeat such mistakes, there is little else we need to do. Remember that any Rules that apply to you also apply to everyone else around you. They are all getting older too. And not any wiser particularly. Once you accept this, you’ll be more forgiving and kinder towards yourself and others.

Finally, yes, time does heal and things do get better as you get older. After all, the more mistakes you’ve made, the less likely that you’ll come up with new ones. The best thing is that if you get a lot of your mistakes over and done with early on in life, there will be less to learn the hard way later on. And that’s what youth is all about, a chance to make all the mistakes you can and get them out of the way.

WISDOM ISN’T ABOUT NOT
MAKING MISTAKES BUT
ABOUT LEARNING TO ESCAPE
AFTERWARDS WITH OUR
DIGNITY AND SANITY INTACT

FROM THE RULES OF LIVING WELL

It’s not all about you

OK, time to level with you. I know this book is called The Rules of Living Well but the last thing you need is to focus on yourself. That’s my job, and this is the first of 100-odd Rules that are chosen to help you feel as good as possible. You, however, need to think about yourself less.1

I’m not trying to give you a hard time, to tell you off for putting yourself first, to criticise you for having an ego. I’m trying to help you. The fact is that people who think about themselves all the time are rarely happy. That’s not just my opinion – research has shown it too. And when you consider it, that’s hardly surprising. When you focus on yourself (or anything else) you’re bound to start noticing the bits that aren’t as you’d like – the qualities, the money, the relationships you wish you had. No one’s life is perfect, and there will be things you can’t change, or at least not now. The more time you spend thinking about those shortcomings, the more importance they will take on in your mind, the more touchy you’ll be when you think you’ve been slighted or treated unfairly or overlooked.

We all know these people. They talk about themselves constantly, and if you try to steer the conversation elsewhere they just bring it back to themselves. They see everything as being about them – their boss rearranged the rota in order to punish them or get at them or make their life more difficult for some reason. Never because it was simply a more efficient system. Never because the boss wasn’t thinking of them at all, but trying to balance lots of people and priorities. They can’t conceive that their boss wasn’t considering them personally, because they think of themselves all the time, so they have no grasp of a universe in which they’re not at the centre.

Look, I want you to have the best life possible, and of course that won’t work if you never consider your own needs and wants. But to stay in balance you need to make sure you don’t constantly turn your eye inwards on yourself. Understand where you fit into the bigger picture, into the rest of the world, and keep your focus outwards. That’s actually where all the good stuff is.

And here’s a phrase I hate: ‘me-time’, or ‘for me’. All your time is me-time, 24 hours a day. Why aren’t you spending all of it doing the things you want to? You might not enjoy them all, but in the end you do them because you want to – I dislike housework, but I don’t want to live in a pigsty. I don’t enjoy my kids’ tantrums, but I love being a parent and the tantrums come with the package. I’ve had jobs I hated, but I wanted the money. I could have changed jobs, or lived on the streets, but I was choosing not to. My time, my choice. The concept of time for relaxing – which I think is behind the phrase ‘me-time’ – is fine in itself. Part of the problem with the phrase is that it implies the rest of your time is less good, is somehow not your choice, which makes it much harder to embrace all your other activities, and to acknowledge that you chose them too.

Alongside that, the phrase implies that you are more important than everyone else in your life, and the best time should be saved for your personal indulgence. That sounds to me dangerously as though the balance has slipped and you’re sneaking towards centre stage. It might look inviting, but it won’t make you happy.

TO STAY IN BALANCE YOU NEED
TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T
TURN YOUR EYE INWARDS ON
YOURSELF

FROM THE RULES OF LOVE

Be yourself

Isn’t it just so tempting to reinvent yourself when you meet somebody new who you really fancy? Or to try and be who you think they are looking for? You could become really sophisticated, or maybe strong and silent and mysterious. At least you could stop embarrassing yourself by making jokes at inappropriate moments, or being pathetic about coping with problems.

Actually, no you couldn’t. At least, you might manage it for an evening or two, or even a month or two, but it’s going to be tough keeping it up forever. And if you think this person is the one – you know, the one – then you might be spending the next half century or so with them. Just imagine, 50 years of pretending to be sophisticated, or suppressing your natural sense of humour.

That’s not going to happen, is it? And would you really want a lifetime of lurking behind some sham personality you’ve created? Imagine how that would be, unable ever to let on that this wasn’t really you at all, for fear of losing them. And suppose they find out in a few weeks’ or months’ or years’ time, when you finally crack? They’re not going to be very impressed, and nor would you be if it was them who turned out to have been acting out of character all along.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to turn over the occasional new leaf, improve yourself a bit. We should all be doing that all the time, and not only in our love life. Sure, you can try to be a bit more organised, or less negative. Changing your behaviour is all fine and good. This Rule is about changing your basic personality. That won’t work, and you’ll tie yourself in knots trying to do it convincingly.

So be yourself. Might as well get it all out in the open now. And if that’s not who they’re looking for, at least you won’t get in too deep before they find out. And you know what? Maybe they don’t actually like sophisticated. Perhaps strong silent types don’t do it for them. Maybe they’ll love your upfront sense of humour. Perhaps they want to be with someone who needs a bit of looking after.

You see, if you fake it, you’ll attract someone who belongs with a person that isn’t you. And how will that help? Somewhere out there is someone who wants exactly the kind of person you are, complete with all the flaws and failings you come with. And I’ll tell you something else – they won’t even see them as flaws and failings. They’ll see them as part of your unique charm. And they’ll be right.

MIGHT AS WELL GET IT ALL OUT
IN THE OPEN NOW

1How you square that with reading this book is your problem