Introduction
Over the years I’ve written down many Rules based on my observations of what behaviour is most likely to lead to a happy and successful life. Several hundred Rules, in fact, across this whole series of books. Each one of them outlines some way you can behave, something you can do, a way you can look at things, which will go some way to improving your life. Roll them all up together and the potential for getting the best out of life is huge.
However, I’ll be the first to admit that there is one tiny flaw in this: other people. It doesn’t matter how effectively you assert control over your own actions and reactions, how minutely you plan your own life – other people can always come along and chuck a spanner in your freshly oiled and smooth-running works. And there’s nothing you can do about other people’s behaviour. Or is there?
Well, that’s where this book comes in. Because actually, you’d be surprised just how much you can do to encourage other people to behave in ways which will benefit both you and them. I’m sure you’ve realised through your life that the best times are the ones when everyone is pulling together, working in harmony, feeling a spirit of co-operation. Unless you’re a sociopath – which I doubt if you’ve picked up this book – you’re happier when the people around you are happy. Not rocket science, is it?
So it follows that the more you can do to make everyone else’s life better, not just your own, the easier and more enjoyable your own life becomes. The skill is in creating happy people around you. Yes, even that grumpy colleague, or your stressy sister, or your critical college tutor could be a bit less grumpy or stressy or picky if you knew how to handle them. Of course you can’t wave a magic wand and make all their troubles vanish, but you can at least make the time they spend around you more pleasant for everyone.
Many years ago I worked with a guy who was really difficult. I hated going into the office in the mornings. He didn’t like me any more than I liked him, and while we both remained civil and well-behaved, the animosity was obvious. Eventually someone sensible banged our heads together, and I resolved to give him a second chance. Fortunately he did the same thing with me.
Now, the only thing that changed at this point was our behaviour. I was still the same person and so was he. However, those little changes in behaviour made so much difference that we saw a completely new side to each other. And – almost as if we’d been acting out some corny movie – we became firm friends, keeping closely in touch even after we’d both moved on to other jobs and other parts of the country.
It taught me just how much difference my own behaviour makes to the way other people act around me. And in the decades since, I’ve observed countless times – in others as well as myself – how one person modifying their behaviour can influence the people they interact with.
We all deal with lots of very different people in a normal day – different in terms of their own personality and in terms of their relationship with us. There are people you encounter at work or college, who you want straightforward dealings with that don’t cause hassle or unpleasantness. Then there’s your family, who you care deeply about and can’t really feel good unless they’re all broadly OK. And then there are your friends, who you hang out with because you like being together, but sometimes you worry about them, and some of them can be tricky at times. And there are all the people you encounter in between – the shopkeeper you always stop for a natter with, the neighbour who is mostly friendly but doesn’t like your cat, the client you’re trying to close a deal with, the chap who organises your running club, your dentist, the customers who come into your shop, your child’s teacher . . . these diverse people will all make your life easier if you can do the same for them.
All those different people having different lives – how are you supposed to know how to get the best out of them all? The answer is that they’re not as different as you might think. Not in the ways that matter. The guidelines, principles, strategies – the Rules – that you need to know will help your relationships with everyone.
The first section of this book is all about understanding people: what makes us all tick. We’re all pretty similar underneath, and if you understand people in general you’re a long way to understanding the specific people you come across every day. I’ve also included a section on how to help people, because we all want the people around us to feel good. Sometimes we love them so much it hurts if they’re in any trouble, sometimes we want to get the best out of them, and most times we’d rather other people were happier than not. It makes it easier to sleep at night if we’ve done our best for the people we’ve met that day.
Of course, a lot of your dealings will be with people who you’d rather were for you than against you. You want to get them on your side because they can give you support, or make your life easier, or improve your sales, or go along with your decisions. There are lots of ways to encourage people to throw in their lot on your side, and to feel good about it. And that’s what you want. We Rules players aren’t interested in manipulating or coercing people. We want them on our side willingly. In fact we don’t want sides at all. Just everyone in agreement.
Having said all that, there’s no denying that some people can be just plain tricky. Maybe they’ve had a tough day, maybe they’ve had a tough life, maybe they have no excuse. Whatever the reason, it helps to know the best way to handle them, so I’ve concluded the book with some useful Rules for getting the best out of some of your more challenging colleagues, family and friends.
All the central Rules are here, but of course there will always be other useful guidelines for dealing with people. If you have any favourites of your own, you can contact me via my Facebook page (below). I can’t promise always to find time to respond, but I can promise you that I’ll read your post with interest.
Richard Templar