Twenty Years on the Front Lines—Evan, Liam, and Eli
At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.
Jane D. Hull
These days, our house is peaceful and upbeat. We listen to music, laugh, goof off, and make plans for the weekend, all things that used to be missing in our lives. Alan and I work too much, but we focus on the delightful, ordinary challenges of everyday life: studying for the ACT or a driver’s test, deciding what to make for dinner, taking care of pets, and cleaning out the car. We go to movies and campouts and can even go on vacation without obsessively planning and worrying about it ahead of time. I enjoy going to the grocery store without having to hire two babysitters.
Our friends and families think we’re doing a great job of parenting. Strangers no longer suggest that we medicate our children or slap them harder. More often than not, we are congratulated on what awesome, courteous, delightful young men our sons are.
Evan made us work for it every inch of the way, of course, but over the years his neurological, immunological, metabolic, gastrointestinal, and emotional health saw more and more healing and balance. There are long periods of time now where life is like a float trip on the sunny, peaceful section of the river. Our boys are growing up into the young men they are meant to be. I have learned not to be lulled and think, “We’ve made it. I can stop now.” Let me bastardize a quote and say eternal vigilance is the price of health and balance on the autism spectrum.
Evan graduated from high school in the top 5 percent of his class and was offered several scholarships. He’s an Eagle Scout and assistant Scoutmaster. His Eagle project, a “bat condo” with room for 10,000 bug-eating bats, graces Little Beaver State Park. Evan organized over sixty volunteers who put in 750 man-hours to build it. I was really pleased when he went to the Boy Scout World Jamboree in Sweden and was elected (yes, elected!) Patrol Leader.
Evan’s in college now. He loves business, finance, and politics and has an almost native accent in French. He writes beautiful thank-you notes without any prompting from me, has a driver’s license, and drives to and from college over three hours away. No tickets or accidents yet!
Evan’s had a girlfriend now and then, and has a few good friends, but social skills and relationships remain a challenge. The smallest disagreement or criticism sets off an urge to escape the conversation. He is exploring the Dale Carnegie courses, and we just made the decision to find a good counselor to fine-tune his social skills. He struggles with organization, but has been finding external systems and structure that works for him. External structure in the form of wall calendars, iPhone alerts, and lists are essentials.
He’s no longer hyperactive, but a restlessness remains, and he loves to exercise and go for walks. He is off of all prescription medications but still takes his enzymes, probiotics, GABA, and other supplements religiously. He hasn’t been irritable or destructive in years. The term “gentle giant” comes to mind. All of that behavior was due to discomfort and pain from underlying medical issues the world was only just learning about when he was born.
What makes me really optimistic is Evan’s “get up and go.” He is an early-morning riser and tackles all projects with energy and optimism. He’ll make phone calls, run errands, and can get more tasks checked off his list by breakfast than I do all day sometimes.
His biggest challenge is ADHD. We find that meditation, neurofeedback, the Feingold diet, Pycnogenol, and hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBOT) help, but they aren’t the complete answers.
Life is smoother for our other two boys as well. Autism families and siblings of an individual with autism have higher rates of GI troubles, anxiety, and tic disorders, among other challenges, but we stay vigilant and keep life on as even a keel as possible for everyone. I am the mother of two Eagle Scouts and will have my third one soon. Liam has headed off to college and life is quiet with only Eli at home. I hope to get back to my African violets and spend more time with my wonderful husband. It is so good to focus on the regular challenges and joys of life these days. I’m no longer afraid of getting a ticket from the “Normal Police.”
Our youngest son can’t even remember the difficult, chaotic, depressing years; he thinks we’ve always been this calm and happy in our home. And that’s as good as it gets!
Autism is always with us, but it’s the quiet, sedate wallpaper of our life now, not the flashing lights and sirens of nonstop yelling, chaos, and tension that used to be the heartbeat of our home.
I’ve never quite gotten back to being that carefree, waggy-tail chick I was before my children were born, but what parent ever does? I am blessed and give thanks for all things, including autism. We are looking forward to many more happy years with our sons, and my dearest hope is that other families will find this peace, too. Love and blessings to you as you find your child’s path back to health on the autism spectrum.