14
Resolve Conflicts
Despite your best efforts to maximize your Three Cs, sometimes something just doesn’t feel right. Maybe you are anxious. Or frustrated. Or exhausted. If and when these emotions cross your mind, you have three options: fix the situation, live with the situation, or leave the situation. Figure 14-1 shows these options.
Picking what to do and how to do it matters. Sometimes, it could even be the difference between addressing the problem and not.
Kathryn, a consultant, learned this lesson the hard way. When her favorite manager left for another company, Kathryn began reporting to a senior director whose management style was totally different from what she was used to. Her prior manager always let her lead client meetings and take on new responsibilities that helped her learn and grow. Her new manager kept her behind the computer and away from clients. Her prior manager rarely asked her to travel (which she appreciated), and when she did, allowed her to return home on Fridays. Her new manager sent her on weeklong projects, even though the clients were rarely around. Her prior manager regularly held heart-to-heart conversations with her, becoming more of a mentor than a manager. Not once did her new manager reach out to her to chat. Within weeks, Kathryn went from loving work to lacking the motivation to get out of bed. Through a friend, she found a new job at an asset management company.
Know This
- When things don’t go your way at work, you have three options: live with the situation, fix the situation, or leave the situation.
- Your ability to fix the problem relies on your ability to diagnose the problem.
When she started work, however, she quickly discovered that the new job was not what she had expected. In her old job, there were executives she could look up to as role models, but her new job didn’t have anyone like that. Kathryn may have been unhappy about the sudden lack of mentorship at her old company, but she was even less happy at her new firm.
Kathryn lasted only nine months before leaving. She took a job at a smaller firm, but it, too, wasn’t perfect. Less than a year later, Kathryn quit and returned to her original consulting firm. Luckily, her company was open to “boomerang employees”—people who leave, work somewhere else, and then return. Though Kathryn was satisfied in the end, she returned at the same level and pay as when she left. In that time, many of her coworkers in her starting cohort had already been promoted to manager.
Your options for responding to a difficult situation at work
Kathryn abruptly decided that she couldn’t live with the situation, so she would leave without first trying to fix it. She thought she knew what she was running away from, but hadn’t fully grasped what she was leaving behind. And she knew she was running toward something, but hadn’t fully grasped what she was signing up for. As a result, she spent two years chasing greener grass, only to realize that the grass was greenest where she began.
How can you avoid ending up in Kathryn’s situation when confronting challenges at work? Don’t just pursue the path of fastest relief or of least effort; pursue the path of least regret. Although every situation is different, a helpful rule of thumb is to diagnose the problem, evaluate your options, and fix the problem tactfully—or, if the situation warrants it, leave graciously. Let’s discuss what each step entails.
Step 1: Diagnose the Problem
If things don’t feel quite right, the first step is figuring out the root cause—the hidden problem that is causing the racing thoughts, sleepless nights, or lack of motivation. When it comes to workplace challenges, root causes often come in three general flavors. Figure 14-2 shows what these flavors are.
- People problems. If you have an issue with a particular manager, coworker, or client, then you have a people problem. An engineer had a coworker who always appeared in the final moments of a project to take credit for her work. She had a people problem.
- Position problems. If you dislike your day-to-day work, are worried about your long-term career, or are frustrated by low pay or lack of benefits, then you have a position problem. A psychology research associate lost interest in his job because there didn’t seem to be a clear career path for him at the research institute. He had a position problem.
- Place problems. If you are frustrated or worried about where your organization is going, how it is run, or what it cares about, then you have a place problem. A public policy analyst was assigned more and more work as some of her coworkers quit, but she wasn’t offered more pay or support, or even training to do her work. She had a place problem.
Potential root causes of your problem
How to find the root cause
To find the root cause of your struggle, consider using the problem-solving approach we discussed in chapter 9: keep asking, “Why is this happening?”
Here is how Kathryn’s “Why?” exercise could have unfolded:
I am feeling zero motivation to go to work.
Why?
Because I don’t enjoy my time there as much as I used to.
Why?
Because the people aren’t as great to be around.
Why?
Because I’m working with a different manager with a different working style.
Aha!
Looking back, the root cause of Kathryn’s problem wasn’t everything—it was her new manager. The boring work, the overwhelming travel, and the poor mentorship may have felt like different problems, but they were all symptoms with a single root cause.
Not all root causes will be immediately obvious. They can sometimes take weeks and months to uncover. If you are struggling to identify the root cause of your issue, consider ending each day by journaling about a few questions:
- What did you do today?
- What did you learn today?
- How did you feel at different points in the day? Why?
- What did you enjoy about today? Why?
- What did you not enjoy about today? Why?
After a month, look back at what you wrote. The root cause of your problem—and where you should direct your energy—just may reveal itself.
Step 2: Evaluate Your Options
Once you identify the root cause of your problem, your next step is to find the most appropriate remedy. Should you fix the situation, live with the situation, or leave the situation? To find the right path, consider the following questions.
Has something you’ve experienced crossed the line?
Not every job or organization will allow for these things, but it’s important to feel safe, to remain physically and mentally healthy, and to be able to be yourself. The more you feel that your situation at work is encroaching upon your safety, physical and mental health, or sense of self, the more serious and urgent your situation is—and the more empowered you should feel to fix the situation or leave the situation. And, of course, if you experience any sexism, racism, or any other “ism,” know that you really do have a problem and deserve to have it addressed.
How local is your problem?
Think of your problem as a puddle that you’re standing in. You could be standing in a small puddle, where the problem is confined to a certain set of people; a medium-size puddle, where your problem is confined to your place of employment; or a large puddle, where the problem is common to everyone in your type of role. Once you understand how big your puddle is, you’ll know how far you need to step to get out (and how feasible it is to step out easily).
- If you have a people problem, ask yourself: Would switching teams solve my problem? How feasible is this option?
- If you have a place problem, ask yourself: Would switching organizations solve my problem? How feasible is this option?
- If you have a position problem, ask yourself: Would switching professions solve my problem? How feasible is this option?
But a warning: expect trade-offs. When I was a management consultant, my coworkers would often joke that projects came with good people, interesting work, or a good lifestyle. Some projects might offer two of the three, but many more would only offer one. It’s no use holding out for a project that offers all three. Those don’t exist. Figure 14-3 illustrates the tension.
Trade-offs at work: An example
You could put other characteristics at the corners of this triangle, depending on your circumstances: high impact, good pay or benefits, low stress, good stability, good location. No matter what labels you put in your triangle, the conclusion is the same: no combination of people, position, and place will be perfect. It’s a question of what you value and what you are willing to sacrifice.
If you are aren’t sure what trade-offs you implicitly signed up for when you accepted your current role, look for patterns: Search for your employer and job type on Glassdoor, Reddit, YouTube, and blogs to see if others have reported issues similar to yours. If they have, you may have just uncovered a widespread or long-standing problem within your employer or profession that you’ll need to decide if you can live with. You could also search for former employees of your organization on LinkedIn to see if there is a pattern of people switching roles or organizations after a year or less. If so, you may have uncovered a pattern of people not being able to live with or fix their problems. Don’t forget to consult a trusted coworker or mentor in the organization to see if they share your concerns and, if so, how they’ve navigated the situation.
How temporary is your problem?
Difficult managers or coworkers may be frustrating, but they’re less so if they are tied to a project that’ll end in six months or if there’s an option to transfer teams after a certain point. Bad work-life balance or low pay may be unsustainable, but they’re less so if you know that your lifestyle will get better over time with seniority. Could Kathryn have requested a change in teams? We will never know—she never explored such an option.
Although the temporary nature of a problem doesn’t make it any less painful or valid, it can change whether fixing, living with, or leaving your situation makes the most sense. If you think the long-term benefits of staying offset the short-term pain, then you may find fixing or living with the situation more appealing than leaving. If, on the other hand, you think the odds of getting to a better spot are slim, then leaving the situation may become a more compelling option. If nothing will change unless you incite a change, then the responsibility is yours—and yours alone.
What would a better situation look like?
Pretend that leaving is not an option and that you can change whatever you want about your situation. What would you change? What would your new setup look like? Whom would you need to convince to make this change? How reasonable a request would it be in the eyes of the decision makers?
In general, the more people you’d need to convince, the higher up they are, and the less reasonable they regard the change, the harder it will be to make it. The fewer people you’d need to convince, the lower down they are, and the more reasonable they deem your proposal, the easier your change should be to adopt.
If your problem is one that you can resolve with your manager—and if you haven’t spoken to your manager about it yet—then you may want to consider the fix it option before the leave it or live with it options. If you’re struggling to picture what a better setup would look like, consider reaching out to your network or searching online to see how other teams or organizations have handled a similar issue. It’s likely that whoever you’ll need to convince will ask, “So, what do you want me to do?” Give others something to react to. You will look much more credible and convincing if you can say, “This is the problem and this is my proposal” instead of “I don’t know what I want; all I know is I don’t like what I’ve been given.”
What are the pros and cons of each option?
Consider drawing a two-column table like the one in table 14-1. In the left column, write down all of the reasons a certain option makes sense. In the right column, write out all the reasons it doesn’t make sense.
As you list pros and cons, you will begin to see that some are more reasonable, acceptable, and convincing than others. Sometimes, it only takes a few pros and cons for you to decide that there really is an option that is superior to the others. There is also another benefit to this exercise: hopefully, it can help you see the positive in an otherwise difficult situation.
Keep in mind that your list of pros and cons can change depending on what you value, so consider checking in with yourself regularly, whether it’s every month, three months, or six months. Are things looking better? If so, keep going. If not, reevaluate your options.
|
Pros |
Cons |
|
|---|---|---|
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Live with the situation |
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✓ I can see the frustration ending by _____ . |
✗ Life could be difficult for the next _____ . |
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✓ Makes me look like I’m cut out for the job, especially since no one else is complaining. |
✗ If I don’t speak up, the higher-ups may not even realize that there is a problem. |
|
|
✓ I have more to learn. Maybe it isn’t actually this bad once I learn how things work. |
✗ My mental/physical health could suffer. |
|
|
Fix the situation |
||
|
✓ Maybe people could see me as a leader for proposing solutions. |
✗ I’m still new, so I might come across as entitled/demanding. |
|
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✓ If I leave later, at least I’ll know I tried my best. |
✗ Is this the one thing I want to ask for? What if something else comes up? |
|
|
✓ I can see myself staying in this organization long-term, so I might as well try to make things better. |
✗ I haven’t been performing my best lately. Should I wait until I have more leverage? |
|
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Leave the situation |
||
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✓ There is no long-term career path for me here. |
✗ If I leave too soon/do this too frequently, I could look like a job hopper. |
|
|
✓ I can probably maintain my professional relationships if I leave gracefully. |
✗ Job searching will be a pain. |
|
|
✓ I don’t feel like I’m growing/learning here anymore. |
✗ I haven’t gotten everything I can out of this job yet. |
Which option will I feel best about in ten minutes, ten months, and ten years?
Once you lay out your possible options, the last step is to do some time travel. Columnist Suzy Welch has what she calls the “10-10-10 strategy” for this.1 Think multiple steps ahead: Which option feels most appealing ten minutes from now? Which might leave you more satisfied in ten months, after you experience the positive and negative consequences of your action (or inaction)? Which might leave you feeling the best in ten years, once you are many steps along in your career and have had the time to process all the trade-offs? The path of fastest relief or least effort may not be the same as the path of least regret. Time travel offers another benefit: it can help you take the emotion out of a decision. As Kathryn learned the hard way, when the pain is real and immediate, leaving the situation can feel like the best, or only, choice—when in reality, it may be nothing more than a quick but unsustainable fix.
Is your problem about others not being aware of their impact?
This can be a difficult possibility to embrace when the issue is fresh in your mind and emotions are high, but give it a chance. If the root cause of your problem is your manager or coworker, for example, could they not realize the consequences of their actions? (In Kathryn’s case, might it be that her manager didn’t realize that his management style wasn’t working for her?) The higher the likelihood that others might say, “What? I had no idea!” the more you may want to consider fixing the situation before living with the problem or leaving it. If the root cause really does stem from the other person not realizing their negative impact, then the solution could be easier than you think. Sometimes, all it takes is a conversation.
Step 3: Fix the Problem Tactfully
When fixing your situation, the right approach can be the difference between getting what you want and making the situation worse. The unspoken rules we’ve covered elsewhere in this guide can help de-escalate conflicts: Think multiple steps ahead. Find the appropriate time and person. Correct privately. Push gently—but firmly. Make sure that your impact is positive. And treat the conversation as if you are trying to learn and help. You want to look like you are on the same team as the other person and trying to achieve a common goal, rather than demanding something where only you benefit. Here are some other strategies to consider when you’re trying to fix something.
- Don’t go it alone. Ask for help. Before approaching whomever you need to speak with, consider asking a trusted coworker to see if others have had similar issues before and, if so, how the conversations went. Doing so can help you avoid making the same mistakes.
- Don’t criticize. Show appreciation. Consider overusing “Thanks …,” “I appreciate …,” and “I’m grateful for …” Positivity can be contagious and recognition can help make for a more cooperative atmosphere, so use them to set the right tone. Also, gratitude is free, so give it away.
- Don’t assume negative intent. Assume positive intent. Try saying, “I know you [have positive intent], so I suspect it wasn’t your intent, but [negative impact].” Even if you don’t actually think so, such a statement can help prevent others from getting defensive.
- Don’t talk about improving your life. Focus on contributing to the team. Instead of “I need _________,” try saying, “I’d love to find a way for us to better _________.” If anything you’re suggesting can help the team, point it out. It makes you sound less demanding.
- Don’t point to problems. Ask for advice. Rather than say, “_________ is dumb,” “_________ makes no sense,” or “_________ is unsustainable,” consider trying, “I’d love your advice on _________” or “How would you go about navigating _________?”
- Don’t propose changes. Offer experiments. People are more likely to embrace things that are low commitment. So, instead of saying, “We should change …,” consider saying, “I wonder if we could try …,” “Could we consider …,” or “We could experiment with …”
- Don’t dwell on the work. Look at the broader experience. If you have a people problem and those people are your teammates, you may want to expand your network. Try joining companywide events, affinity groups, and community service efforts. It’s easier to shrug off a less-than-ideal situation if it’s a single point of negativity within a broadly positive experience.
Here’s how Kathryn could have applied these strategies to try to fix her situation:
Kathryn: “Any chance you might have thirty minutes at some point to catch up? I’d love to pick your brain on a few career-related questions.”
Manager: “Sure! Go ahead and find a time. My calendar is up to date.”
[Fast-forward to the conversation]
Kathryn: “Thanks for taking the time to meet. I know how busy you are, so I really appreciate you being so generous.” [Show appreciation]
Manager: “My pleasure! Thanks for your hard work. I know it’s not easy with this client.”
Kathryn: “It’s been great being a fly on the wall during these conference calls. This actually relates to what I was hoping to ask you about, which is how you went about finding your niche. I’m always impressed by how much knowledge you pull in from other domains and wanted to see how I could get myself to this level as a professional.” [Ask for advice]
Manager: “It was all mentorship. I was lucky to have a number of mentors who pushed me to try new things. That’s how I broke into both financial services and telecommunications. Not sure I’ll do this forever, but I like it for now.”
Kathryn: “That’s helpful! I’ve also started exploring the telecommunications space recently and noticed that the team holds lunch-and-learns on Fridays and monthly happy hours. I’ve wanted to attend, but given the travel expectation with this client, it’s been a challenge. I was wondering if you had any advice on how to navigate this situation.” [Ask for advice]
Manager: “We can definitely work something out. Let me talk to the client and see if we can find some flexibility for you on Fridays.”
People can’t read your mind, so if you don’t speak up, they may not even recognize that there’s a problem. Had Kathryn had a conversation like this, she may not have had to resort to quitting.
Step 4: Leave Graciously
Sometimes your best attempt will still not be enough—and leaving is the only option left. How will you know if you’ve reached that point? Consider these ten questions:
Have you tried living with (or working around) the issue?
Have you asked allies for help?
Have you identified what you want?
Have you tried engaging with the individual?
Have you tried escalating the issue?
Have you tried switching teams?
Have you exhausted the options you can think of?
Have you reached the limits of your patience?
Have you secured a suitable alternative job?
Are you convinced that the alternative solves your problem?
You don’t need to answer “yes” to all ten to leave, but the more questions you answer “yes” to, the more sense leaving makes. Another consideration is how long you’ve been in your role. In general, the unspoken rule is to try to stay in a job for at least a year (and ideally at least two years). There is also an unspoken rule about not jumping between companies too quickly, so you don’t look like an uncommitted job hopper. This is not to say you can’t or shouldn’t leave, though. You can always exclude the experience from your résumé and find an external narrative for the employment gap.
Luckily, job transitions aren’t only the result of people running away from something. You could also be running toward something, whether it’s better people, a better position, or a better place. Whatever the reason—and no matter how desirable or undesirable that reason may be—it helps to leave your role as deliberately as you entered it. Here are five steps for gracefully navigating the exit:
Job hunt discreetly
If you know that your manager wants the best for you, even if it means helping you leave for another job, then feel free to share your plans early and often for their feedback. But if your manager is anything short of a loyal champion, then it’s a good idea to be more discreet. This means making sure that your work attire doesn’t look like you just came from a job interview—even if you did. It means using your personal email address and computer for job applications and correspondence with recruiters. It means keeping any job search–related calendar invitations off your work calendar. And it means making sure your LinkedIn profile doesn’t show that you’re looking for jobs. You want to signal unambiguous commitment to your managers, coworkers, and IT department until you are ready to share your plans (and, as we will soon discuss, until your very last day).
Make the announcement
A departing employee is always disruptive to a team. At the very least, your manager will need to hire someone to fill your role. And if you are the owner of any important projects or if a major deadline is approaching, your departure may be even more disruptive. The more you can minimize the disruption for others, the better the final impression you will leave. Although two weeks’ notice is typical when announcing your resignation, try to give your manager as much advance notice as possible. I’ve given as much as two months’ notice to provide my manager the time to prepare. Try to pick a departure date that is the least disruptive for your team, such as after a major deadline or when your team is less busy. Once you’ve identified a date or a range of options, set up a one-on-one meeting with your manager to share your plans. Announce your plans to your coworkers only after speaking with your manager. You don’t want your manager finding out that you are leaving from anyone other than you.
Wind things down
Ask your manager what you can do to smooth the transition: Can you make enough progress on your current project that your successor can take over easily? Can you organize your files? Can you write a training manual or transition guide? Can you help find, interview, or train your replacement? The more you can present yourself as remaining committed to the team, even when you are on your way out, the better an impression you will leave behind—and the more likely your coworkers will want to work with you again.
Say your goodbyes
If you are working in person, consider buying some professional-looking thank-you cards and handwriting notes to each coworker, mentor, and ally. Be sure to tailor your message to the recipient. Here are a few starting points.
- “Thank you for _________.”
- “It was great working with you on _________.”
- “I appreciate _________.”
- “I will always remember _________.”
- “I am grateful for _________.”
If you work remotely and don’t have people’s mailing addresses, consider drafting personalized thank-you emails to send to each person on your last day. And whether you are working remotely or not, consider setting up one-on-one meetings with each close coworker, mentor, and ally to do one last catch-up session. On your last day, consider sending one last team email to everyone, and CC your personal email, as we will soon discuss.
This all might look like a lot of extra work, but the effort is worth it—even if you get laid off rather than quit. A CEO taught me this lesson through the story of his daughter, Joanna, who had been laid off from her startup job alongside a dozen other people as part of a companywide cost-cutting effort.
“I gave her one piece of advice,” this CEO told me. “Pretend like this was the best thing that could have ever happened to you.” He helped his daughter write a thank-you email to her colleagues. It looked something like this:
Subject: I’m cheering you all on!
Dear _________ family,
After two incredible years on the operations team, I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye. While I’m sad that I won’t get to be a part of your next stage of growth, I cannot think of a better team to bring the vision of _________ to life.
Thank you for the friendship, mentorship, and opportunities you’ve provided to me during my time here. You welcomed a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed new grad into your ranks and showed her what it takes to be a world-class professional. A few specific shout-outs:
- Lushen, Catherine, and Kamau for your guidance and opportunity to help launch _________ to the Indian market
- Casey, Sonja, Ravi, and the go-to-market team for your great expertise, creativity, and infinite patience
- Samir, Carolina, Doug, and the leadership team for keeping us all rowing in the same direction and for creating a culture that I’m proud to have been a part of
Though my next steps are still unclear, my plan is to remain in San Francisco and to remain in the e-commerce space (let me know if you have any suggestions!).
Going forward, I can be reached at ____@____.com and XXX-XXX-XXXX.
Gratefully yours,
Joanna
https://www.linkedin.com/in/_________
Joanna wasn’t sure if she should send her email to the entire company, but decided to bend the rules and do it anyway. Several hours later, she received an email from the CEO of the company:
Subject: RE: I’m cheering you all on!
Joanna, what a class act!
What types of roles are you looking for? Let me dig through my network to see if I can make any introductions.
Joanna had made a positive impact—and a lasting impression. Looking back, this is what Joanna’s dad told me: “People like to say that first impressions matter. Last impressions can matter just as much. It’s such a low bar, too. When you announce that you’re about to leave, most people assume that you’ll be checked out. Anything you do that defies expectations and shows that you’re still invested in the team can go a long way.”
Stay in touch
Consider adding your coworkers on LinkedIn and, for the ones you were close to, using the tactics we discussed in chapter 11 to keep the relationship alive. Whoever you met in your job is now a part of your network. Nurture those relationships. Share relevant news. Be helpful. After all, your career will be long. Your first job will not be your last job. You never know where your colleagues may go—and how your paths might cross again.
Being unhappy at work isn’t fun. At best, conflicts can be an annoying distraction. At worst, they can turn a good job into a nightmare. And because conflicts are fundamentally about people, even the seemingly minor ones can quickly lead to dread about going to work. I hope that you don’t end up finding this chapter relevant. In the end, conflicts are a natural part of life. Knowing how to identify, prioritize, and deal with conflict is an important life skill. Now you have the tools to handle conflict—and not just to avoid it.
Try This
- Accept the fact that no job will be perfect and each job will have its limitations.
- When faced with a tough situation at work, try to find the root cause of the problem.
- Decide which option makes the most sense for you based on the pros and cons: live with the situation, fix the situation, or leave the situation.
- Find allies and push gently but firmly when approaching others about issues.
- If you leave, do so graciously, leaving behind the best last impression possible.