Reject, embrace, or bend the rules

Figure out which rules make sense (or don’t), are worth questioning (or aren’t), or compromise your values (or don’t). Then decide for yourself whether—and when—you should reject, embrace, or bend the rules. Be aware of the difference between what’s right and what aligns with your manager’s preferences. Learn when a piece of feedback is productive and should be accepted—and when it isn’t and should be discreetly ignored. Find allies.

See the big picture

When joining a new team, research what the team does, what its objectives are, whom it serves, what it’s been up to recently, who its competitors are, who the most important people are, and how your role will help the team and organization achieve their goals. When taking on a new assignment, understand the broader objective, what success looks like, and how your work fits into the big picture. Stay up to date with what’s happening in your team, company, and industry.

Do—and show—your homework

When you have a question, avoid immediately pulling others aside. Look through your emails and files and search online first. If you can’t find the answer, bundle and escalate: bundle your questions and then ask a coworker at your level for help, followed by the next most junior or relevant person, and so forth. Explain where your question is coming from, and share what you’ve done to figure things out yourself. Share what you know before asking about what you don’t know.

Think like an owner

Imagine that you own the entire project and don’t have anyone to go to for help. What would you do to solve the problem? Imagine you are in charge of your company. How would you help it achieve its goals? Be proactive: Is no one saying hello? Then say hello. Is no one sharing information? Then ask for information. Is no one giving you work? Then ask for work. Give others something to react to. Bring solutions, not problems. Take control of your career.

Show you want to learn and help

When you’re new to a team or project, people expect you to ask questions (“learner mode”). Over time, people expect you to know what’s going on and to make thoughtful contributions (“leader mode”). Know if you are in learner mode or leader mode and act accordingly. Treat “Any questions?” not as a “yes” or “no” question, but as a “yes” question. Always have a question or a point of view. When in doubt, ask, “How can I be helpful?”

Know your internal and external narratives

Know why you do what you do. When introducing yourself, talk about your past, present, and future: share what you’ve done, what you’re working on, and, if relevant, what you’re trying to achieve. Consider framing your personal story as a Hero’s Journey: what sparked your interest, what you’ve done, what brings you here today, and what you hope to achieve. When giving a status update, talk about what you’ve done, followed by what you still have to do.

Know your context and your audience

Are you more extroverted or introverted? More experienced or less? In the majority or minority? Be mindful of—and manage—the biases that others may have toward you. And know your audience: What concepts are they familiar or unfamiliar with? How do they like to learn new information? What do they want to hear? When speaking or writing, personalize your message to your listener or reader. Find the most appropriate person at the most appropriate time.

Mirror others

In unfamiliar settings, compare how you come across and how others come across. Find people you respect and can relate to, observe how they behave, dress, write, and speak, and adopt elements that are authentic to you. Mirror the urgency and seriousness of the people you are working with. Show more urgency and seriousness when interacting with someone who has leverage over you. When in doubt, let others go first.

Manage your intent and impact

When interacting with others, understand that your intent (how you mean to come across) may not be the same as your impact (how you actually come across). Clarify what people can misinterpret about you: explain any behavior or actions that can be seen in a negative light to prevent others from assuming the worst. If your intent can be interpreted in multiple ways, don’t rely on emails or instant messages; opt for a conversation instead.

Send the right signals

Be intentional about what others can see, hear, smell, and feel from you. Be mindful of cultural norms around eye contact, smiling, responding promptly, and single-tasking. When others give you instructions or advice, take notes in front of them. Do what you say you will do (or proactively explain yourself). Be mindful of when and how you arrive, speak up, send emails, and ask for help. When in doubt, show up early.

Think multiple steps ahead

Learn what your manager might ask of you—and have it ready. Know what issues your manager might face—and offer a solution. Before submitting your work or entering a meeting, brainstorm what you might be asked and have a response ready. When making decisions, consider the second- and third-order implications. When others tell you to do something, think multiple steps ahead: Do their directions make sense? Might their idea cause issues for others?

Work backward from the end goal

Understand what you are trying to achieve, then work backward, mapping out all the steps and deadlines between you and the end goal. Make sure you are clear on what you need to do, how you need to do it, and by when. Ask colleagues and superiors, “When would it make sense to check in?” Repeat back what you think you heard before walking away. Then, constantly assess whether what you are doing is getting you closer to the end goal.

Save others time and stress

Before asking people to help you, list the steps they will need to take and remove as many of them as possible. When scheduling meetings, offer your availability in the other person’s time zone. Be deliberate and clear with your subject lines, key takeaways, and calls to action. Leave nothing ambiguous. Try to explain your idea in three points or fewer. Before starting a discussion, provide background information so everyone knows what’s going on.

Recognize patterns

Avoid making the same mistakes twice. Avoid making others tell you something twice. And avoid asking the same questions twice; if you must, acknowledge it or try asking someone else first. Look for patterns: if your manager always asks for X, be ready with X before they ask next time. Find ways of working that help you work more productively. Solve problems at their root cause. Make sure your patterns of behavior align with how you want others to see you.

Prioritize what’s urgent and what’s important

Prioritize what has the earliest deadline, involves the most people, causes the most anxiety, gets harder over time, is central to your role, or matters most to those who matter. Know that what’s important to you may not be what’s important to other people, and vice versa. Know what people are looking for (and not looking for) given the time you have. Focus on what people will scrutinize. Split tasks into have-to-dos and nice-to-dos—and do the have-to-do tasks first.

Read between the people

Be mindful of invisible chains of command, swimlanes (who does what and when), comfort zones, and loyalties. Know who reports to whom, who is responsible for what, and who has leverage (power) over whom. Identify who the influencers are. Be aware of behavior that people find acceptable and unacceptable. Keep people consulted and informed. Make others look and feel good. Know when to step up and when you may be overstepping.

Engage, ask, repeat

Look for excuses to connect with people. Engage with what others have to say—listen, absorb, think. Then make a comment or ask an open-ended question. Let people finish speaking. Balance your speaking time. Once you’ve interacted with someone, greet them when you encounter them again. Send thank you emails. Ask how things are going. Offer to help. Share relevant news. Broker introductions. Look for and call out commonalities between you and other people.

Own up

Ask for feedback if you aren’t sure how well you are doing. Try asking, “What should I start doing, stop doing, and keep doing?” Or, “Am I on track?” Be mindful of when you should apologize and admit that you were wrong and when you should defend yourself. If you make a mistake, be prepared to apologize, explain what happened, offer a plan to mitigate the impact or fix the problem, and explain how you will avoid making the same mistake again.

Push gently

When asking for help, frame it as a request, not a command. Give others a chance to decline. When you disagree with someone, use “I wonder …,” “What if …,” or “Pushing back …” to frame it as constructive feedback rather than as criticism. Before proposing an idea, try to understand whether a similar idea has been proposed before and, if so, why it failed. When you’re new and have little leverage, frame ideas as questions like “Have we considered …?”

Show performance and potential

Know that you are being evaluated based on both your performance (how effective you are in your current role) and your potential (how effective you might be in your next role). To show your potential, claim an unclaimed swimlane: do what hasn’t been done, fix what hasn’t been fixed, bridge what hasn’t been bridged, know what others don’t know, and share what hasn’t been shared. Don’t let potential go unrecognized. Ask for what you want—and deserve.

Observe the people around you at work. Notice how those who get ahead have mastered most, if not all, of these unspoken rules—and how those who struggle repeatedly stumble with at least one or more of these same rules.

How can you apply these unspoken rules to your own career? That’s where the rest of this book comes in.