Matt was able to catch the earlier 4:40 p.m. flight home from Cincinnati after a successful meeting, a small but gratifying victory. He decided that he would make dinner tonight as an act of apologizing for the fight that he had had with Sabina the night before. The fights were increasing in their frequency, and in his clearer moments, Matt knew he was the instigator. His apologies didn't follow often enough. He decided that tonight he would apologize and make it right.

As he was prepping the meal, he heard the door open and Sabina slip in. She was finishing her nightly call with her mom, and dropped her purse and keys and turned to grab a sparkling water from the refrigerator. Neither of them made eye contact.

“Okay, Mom. Yep, I know. Okay, well, I just got home. I'll call you tomorrow. Yep, love you, too.” Sabina hung up, leaned against the fridge, and just gave Matt a slow, punishing look.

“Hi,” Matt offered meekly.

“Hey. How was the trip?” Sabina replied, always ready to be the bigger person but not retreating from her position against the refrigerator.

“It was fine, good, actually. I think they’re going to go with Coopers & Tompkins, which will be a big boost for my case for making partner. And I was happy to get the earlier flight back, so that was a bonus.” Matt wanted to share more about how great the meeting was. But he could tell that Sabina was not engaged. “Listen. About last night. I was a jerk. I'm sorry.”

Sabina gave him a long look. Her stares into Matt's soul could be piercing. It was part of the psychologist in her. If she chose to, she could wield this power with devastating effect. She uniquely could push past Matt's ego and confident male exterior toward a deeper level of insight and loving critique. He always knew that her intentions were pure. “It's fine, but you just have to know this is a pattern with you. You come home, you're unhappy, and then you spin it into some sort of conflict with me. It's not fair. If you're unhappy, then do something about it, but don't take it out on me.”

“You're one hundred percent right,” Matt said. “I know. And this morning in the shower, I just thought to myself how lucky I am to have you and that you don't deserve my BS.”

Without directly responding to him, she picked up the pile of mail and began to thumb through it. Had she moved on? Forgiven me? Was she bored by me? Matt wondered. His insecurity in these moments of apology was pronounced.

He had planned ahead to do something special for her the coming weekend. Having just joined a climbing gym on the west side of the city, he was excited to see an email on the plane ride home announcing an open house social event they were hosting that Saturday for members as well as their guests to check out the gym for free. Rock climbing and hiking was something that they used to do regularly when they first started dating, but as life intervened, it was one of the things that had fallen off. As part of his infamous string of New Year's resolutions, many of which inevitably involved physical fitness, Matt had recommitted himself to climbing at least a few times a week. He thought that bringing Sabina on Saturday would be a fun surprise and that he would probably get more credit than he deserved for doing something creative. Matt loved that Sabina was an adventurer at heart as well.

“I have a surprise for you,” Matt continued. “Saturday we're going for a night of climbing at the new climbing gym I joined. We haven't done something original on a Saturday night in a while, and this will be fun.” He waited to see if this would get the reaction he hoped for. It wasn't.

“Okay. I thought we were supposed to go to that co-workers’ block party,” Sabina responded without making eye contact.

“Forget the block party. I want to take my amazing wife climbing like we used to do.” He grabbed her into an exaggerated, but loving, tight hug and kissed her head. She relented as he felt her muscles relax and hug him back. They were back to normal.

“Ugh. You're just insufferable sometimes,” she said honestly, as she relented. “How did you know I would want to go climbing?”

“I didn't. But I knew I owed you an apology, and I miss climbing with you.” Matt paused. “I don't know what the hell is going on with me. I think it's turning 40 and feeling like time is running out on the things I've wanted to do with my life. I always wanted to start a business, and you know that every six months or so I'm captivated by some idea. I think about it and ultimately tell myself that it's not the right time or find some way to talk myself out of it. Then I get busy with work and let it slide off by the wayside. This is my pattern, and it's been my pattern for way too long. I want to start something.”

Sabina stepped back, and now taking command of the conversation, held him by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes. “Matt, if it's starting a business that you want to do, then figure it out. No one is telling you not to do it. You just need to figure out how to start. Of course, if we finally get pregnant, that changes our financial picture.”

They had talked about having a baby for years. Neither of them had before felt any rush, but at 34, Sabina was feeling a greater urgency and desire to start the process.

“A baby.” Matt smiled. It wasn't that he didn't want children. It never felt like the right time. He held on to the idea that he wanted to do things before they started a family. Maybe, he thought, it's time to let go of any delusions of grandeur and realize that this is your life. It doesn't get any better or different, so let that dream go. And maybe it's time you step up and finally have kids.

“I promise. I want you to be happy. And I do want kids. I just don't know when. I know it will feel right at some point.” Matt was suddenly flustered, sensing that their date night could end up in an argument about when to have kids. “Is this really the conversation we have to have tonight?” Matt asked, careful not to shut her down but also suggesting that they change the conversation.

“It's been ‘someday’ for many years,” Sabina replied, almost under her breath. She was always careful in how she would approach the conversation about a baby with Matt, not wanting to pressure him, but also mindful of her own growing impatience.

Matt nodded at Sabina and continued, “You know, I'm seeing friends of mine from the military, from business school or even people I've known professionally, and so many of them are doing things I see as original, interesting and brave. I know my life isn't bad, but at the same time I feel as if I'm selling out or at least selling myself short. Even today, I was sitting with this potential client, talking about a big strategy project, something that could put me over the top for making partner. But I knew at the end of the day we would come up with a bunch of smart ideas, put them into a beautiful PowerPoint presentation, and hand them to the client. And then what? Who knows? Maybe they would do it or maybe they wouldn't, and frankly who cares either way? I think to myself, ‘When will I make the decisions? When will I be in charge?’ Doing something important or original based on my own talent, whether I succeed or fail, is what's important to me. In my current work life, I may never fail, but at the same time, it may never matter and that haunts me.”

Matt began to walk away from the conversation, but Sabina pulled him back in. She had heard this enough to know this wasn't a fleeting thought: He was struggling.

“Matt,” she offered, “I understand you're struggling. You know I've always told you I would support you, but I don't know how much I can do for you with this. You've got to get clear in your own mind on what's missing and how you get it. You keep talking about not wanting to be like your dad, and yet—.” Matt pulled back. She had hit a nerve.

Sabina paused, and then Matt picked up the cue. “I know. My dad.” His dad had worked at a factory job. He provided for the family, but he hated his job for all 28 of the years he spent working for the same parts manufacturer. He never found the path to being fulfilled. He talked regularly about the things he would do after retiring as if all the misery up until that point would finally yield the big return. Tragically, he died at age 60, three months before his planned retirement date, with Matt still in the Army. His death left Matt with a sense of deep sadness for a talented man he loved with a life professionally unfulfilled, but he also had a residual anger that his dad had not taken action sooner before it was too late.

“I'm not saying you are your dad, but I am saying that you need to take action. Though it's never easy, you are at a point in your life where you have the capability of doing something ‘important or original.’ And you haven't always seemed this depressed. What's changed? When was the last time you felt like your life mattered?” Sabina asked. She had a way of posing deep, existential questions that rolled off her tongue casually, as if totally normal and appropriate. She also sensed this was a bigger conversation, and she grabbed an open bottle of red wine, poured them each a glass, and lit a candle, which was her subtext for I'm ready to talk.

Matt didn't have to think, “In the Army. Every day.”

“But you hated the Army,” she countered.

“Well, kind of. Yes. It was a pain in my ass most days, but these soul-level questions never were there for me. You knew you mattered—.”

“Okay.” Sabina cut him off. The psychologist in her hated how his go-to emotion was shame. “Are you saying that you want to join the Army again? You know I would want to support—.”

Matt almost choked on his wine as he let out a laugh. “Ha. Oh hell no. I mean, I'm glad I served and wouldn't change that for the world. But it's not about going backward into the Army; it's about learning how to move forward with a professional life that I'm proud of and in which I am making a real difference, like a new uniform I'm proud to put on each day. I want to control my future and not be subject to it, not just for me, but for us,” Matt added, something that he had casually said in passing to Sabina but never with real intention. “I don't feel I'm even in the fight, and I want to be. I think I want to start a business. I know it sounds hard and financially challenging, but I keep coming back to it. I don't know. I just get excited by it, and there's not a lot else that gets me energized like that.”

Sabina gave him a long look. “Well, if it's starting a business, then, I'm here for it. Whatever it is, this is real, and you need to do some work to figure it out. Or talk to a therapist or a career coach or someone. I'm here for you, but you've got to do the work for yourself. If it is starting a business, we will figure it out together, but you need to have a vision. Frankly, I hope you do take action because this lingering discontent is a bad look.” Sabina smiled at him. I've got you, her eyes told him.