How often do you think about change? If you're anything like the rest of us, you think about change quite a bit. Many of us think about making changes in our career, relationships, or finances, but how many consider making a self-change? When life feels off-balance and out of sync, it's often because you've forgotten about yourself.
So many people get frustrated and give up when it comes to changing an aspect of their life. The most infamous example is the ill-fated New Year's resolution. Who hasn't made a few of those? As New Year's Eve draws near, everybody starts to at least think about making some kind of a resolution. Even the newspapers take reader polls and comment about it. Television reporters talk about it, “This year I am going to eat better and get in shape.” Check back a month later and you'll find that most New Year's resolutions have been tossed on the shelf only to be resurrected again the next year.
Most resolutions are doomed right from the start. There are several reasons for failure, but the most important one is because there is no real plan in place for the change to occur. For example, when the television reporter comments that he would like to eat better, what exactly is his plan? Does he even know? Is he going to start counting calories, eliminate fat from his diet, or fill his refrigerator with nothing but fruits and vegetables? Is he planning to do something even more extreme and become a raw food person? No plan means no map, and without a map, you simply don't know where you're going. The best intentions for change will fail when there is no plan to guide you along the way.
This book is all about change. This chapter focuses on self-change. Before we go any further, you are going to need a pencil and some paper. You may be thinking, “I know what I want to change, why do I have to write anything down?” Writing things down is the first step to building a plan. It is the first step toward taking action. Taking an idea out of your head and putting it on paper makes it all the more real.
Note
Are We Happy Yet?
According to U.S. research, happiness is an elusive quality. In fact, the more comfortable life becomes, the more dissatisfied and discontented we are with it. The evidence indicates that a 25-year-old is four times more likely to be depressed today than in the 1950s. Professional men and women are the unhappiest of all (About.com).
An existing problem affects the balance we strive for in our lives. A lingering or developing concern makes everything else in your life feel worse. Anyone who has ever experienced money problems knows exactly what we mean. When money is tight or when credit card companies are calling your house at dinnertime, the tension spills over into your relationships, the job, and your outlook on life. Financial stress can feel as if you're drowning under the roar of pounding waves. It seems as if each time you try to climb out, another wave knocks you under. It can feel as if your life is coming apart.
The first move toward change in anyone's life is to take an inventory of what's working and what's not. When you are stressed, it's easy to conclude that everything is going wrong. Inside your mind it feels like the War of the Worlds. That's what makes getting thoughts down on paper helpful. Often when you get your concerns out of your head and down on paper, you discover there's more going on in your world that's right than wrong. It's not unusual for one or two issues to make your life seem as if there is no balance.
What about yourself is going well? What aspects of yourself do you perceive as healthy and strong?
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On the flip side, what aspects of yourself would you like to change? What are the concerns that wear you down?
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Throughout this book you will hear us talk about “fuzzy thinking” versus “clear thinking.” Fuzzy thinking puts you on the fast track for failing. You have a few ideas in your head, but you have never gotten them down on paper. That's no different than driving your car in the fog. You sort of know the road in front of you, but you can't be positive. Keep in mind that the more specific you are in listing your goals, the better you'll be able to watch and monitor your progress. Here is an example of fuzzy and clear thinking:
Instead of Fuzzy Thinking | Think Clearly |
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I am going to start eating better. → | I am going to add fruit and vegetables to my daily diet. I am going to stop eating fast food. I am going to keep a food journal and observe what I am really eating in a week. |
I am going to get my house organized. → | I am going to make a list of everything that needs to be done in my house and prioritize the things that should be done first. I am going to set aside some time this week and do the first thing on my list. |
I am going to start saving some money. → | I am going to have money automatically withdrawn from my paycheck into a savings account. I am going to make an appointment with an accountant or financial planner this week. |
I am going to start doing more with my family. → | I am going to call a family meeting and find out what we can all enjoy together. I am going to declare one Sunday a month as Family Day—no chores, no errands. |
I want to change jobs. → | I am going to update my resume. I am going to make a list of strong job leads. I am going to practice my job interview skills. |
Since forever and a day, you have all had it drummed into you that to change your behavior, you must first understand why you do what you do. To that we say, “Baloney.” Understanding why you overeat, procrastinate, or spend too much money doesn't help you to solve those problems. As a matter of fact, all that you've gained is a better understanding of how you understand the problem.
Imagine for a moment that you have a fear of dogs. Just the sight of a big dog brings on a panic attack. Your fear of dogs goes back to childhood when the neighbor's German shepherd tried to take a chunk out of your thigh when you were seven years old.
How does knowing the root of your fear of dogs help you to overcome your fear?
Erica and I have a friend that we like to call the Diva because she looks and acts like, well, a diva. The Diva is terrified of flying. She is an aviophobic, or someone who has a fear of flying. The Diva is so afraid to fly that she even hopes that there'll be a plane crash before she has to fly. In her phobic mind, a plane crash will statistically lessen the chances that her own plane will go down. The Diva never travels without her Valium, which she will take before, during, and after a flight. It is an absolute necessity that she has an aisle seat in the bowels of the plane. The very last row is ideal. The Diva figures that the survival rate in a crash is better in the back than in the front. “Everybody gets it in the front,” she'll confide. Sitting in the middle seat will only bring on a claustrophobia attack. Likewise, looking out the window at 30,000 feet will kick-start her acrophobia, or fear of heights. Once her seat belt is securely fastened, the Diva flags down a flight attendant and orders a cocktail.
Our friend, the Diva, knows better than most why she has these phobias. Her fears are triggered by traumatic events from childhood stored in her memory. Unfortunately, her understanding of those events does not give her a single clue as to how she might overcome her phobic problems. The Diva has been to therapy, but all that she has gained is a better understanding of the trauma and how that has influenced her life. Knowing the root cause of her fears does not solve her fear of flying, fear of small spaces, or fear of heights. Even with all her analysis and years on the couch, the Diva has no idea how to control or overcome her many fears.
There are many mental health professionals trained and prepared to tell you why you do the things you do. Most are well-trained and dedicated professionals who handle difficult and often tragic cases. As in all professions, there are others in the field who are not as credible and who unwittingly do people a disservice.
A few years back, a friend of Kathy's walked into her office and announced, “Last night at my Overeaters Anonymous group I learned that I had a symbiotic relationship with food.” She looked elated. Emily had been morbidly obese for years and desperately wanted to lose the weight. At nearly 400 pounds, Emily's medical problems were starting to become serious. She had high blood pressure, a sleep disorder, chronic back and joint aches, and the early stages of diabetes. Emily knew that she was shortening her life every year that she was obese. But a symbiotic relationship with food? That's not possible. In the depths of the ocean, the shark and the Remora fish share a symbiotic relationship. The Remora fish lives a blissful life riding the hydrodynamic bow wake of this feared ocean predator. In exchange for safety and all the food scraps it needs, the Remora fish picks clean debris and parasites from the shark's body. Both sea creatures share a mutually beneficial relationship.
Kathy looked at her friend and asked, “I understand what you get from food, but what does the food get from you?” Emily's face dropped as she realized the silliness in her announcement. “Not only that, Emily, how does knowing that help you to get your diet under control?”
Insight about your past or the problems in your life doesn't provide you with a guide on how to change. In this chapter, as in the chapters to follow, we are going to discuss making positive and successful changes in your life. It's not always easy, because important changes seldom are, but it is doable.
When it comes to change, it's easy to think about what you don't want in your life as opposed to what you want. If asked, a good number of us might say, “I don't want to be fat” or “I don't want to procrastinate anymore.” We are quick to be negative about ourselves.
Take a moment and consider what you want for yourself. As tempting as it is, try to avoid any escapades into magical thinking. Unless you're a nationally ranked tennis player, save your dreams of the U.S. Open for another day. Right now, it's time to restore the balance in your life.
What are your personal goals? (Remember to be clear and measurable.) If you could change anything right now, what would it be?
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This next part is important. Imagine for a moment that you have accomplished everything on your personal self-list. Answer this question:
What will your life be like when these self-changes are behind you? What will you be doing that you're not doing right now?
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Lastly, think for another moment and consider this question. This question is important because it's the first mile-marker you're going to see as you gain greater satisfaction in your self.
What will be the smallest sign that you are moving in the right direction and that you are moving away from the aspects of your life that have frustrated or slowed you down?
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Throughout the chapters that follow, you will be asked to think small. The most ambitious plans fail because they were just that—ambitious. Small steps are manageable and easier to track. A small step is like a domino, when one starts to happen the rest will follow behind.
Too Big | Just Right |
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I'm going to write a best-selling novel.→ | I am going to join a writers' group. |
I'm going to run in the Boston Marathon. → | I am going to jog three times this week. |
I'm going to become fluent in Spanish. → | I am going to enroll in a language class. |
I'm going to stop procrastinating. → | I am going to make a list of things to do and commit to doing one thing each day. |
There is a reward for taking tiny, realistic steps instead of giant leaps. The reward is that you will get to feel successful and have a sense of accomplishment. Instead of that haunting voice moaning in your head, “Yeah, I'm going to get to that this week,” you can say, “I did it.” The first makes you feel burdened while the second empowers you. If you can do that one small step, you can do the next, and so on.
How is it possible that with more wealth, conveniences, and recreational time, we seem to be more unhappy than ever before? The changes to our lifestyle in this century have been spectacular. We are living longer with the help of medical and technological advances. Disposable income is up four-fold since the 1950s. Shopping has become as American as baseball. So how do you fit into this picture?
Consider how life was 100 years ago in 1904 and compare it to how we are living today:
The average life expectancy in the United States was 47.
There were only 8,000 cars in the United States and only 144 miles of paved road.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Canned beer and iced tea hadn't been invented.
The longest film was just 12 minutes.
It took 52 days to travel by automobile from San Francisco to New York.
As compared to 2004:
The average life expectancy in the United States is 79.
There are over 132,432,000 registered automobiles in the United States.
The U.S personal income per capita is $30,511.
The average household has 2.4 television sets.
Over 56.5 percent of U.S households have at least one computer.
Over 50.5 percent of U.S. households have Internet access.
You can get from New York to San Francisco in less than five hours with a good tailwind.
It may be the reason so many of us feel unhappy is because we're working like mad trying to get “ahead.” Although we have a vague notion of what life will be like when we get to this destination known universally as “ahead,” we keep pushing on. Like some hedonistic treadmill in which we strive to have a bigger home or a better car, we don't stay satisfied for long. After a while, it's back on the treadmill for the quest to get more stuff. Perhaps we are all guilty of thinking, “If a little is good, more is better.” Somewhere on the treadmill we lose ourselves.
On a scale ranging from 1 to 10, with 1 being “the worst” and 10 being “great,” how well would you say you are taking care of yourself right now?
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How have you managed to maintain your self-happiness so far? What is working for you?
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What could you do to bring your score up half a notch, say to a 9½? If you gave yourself a 10, what can you continue to do to keep your score at a 10?
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What kinds of things have you been doing to keep your score at a two or a five? Think about it—you didn't give yourself a zero, so you must be doing a few things correctly. What have you managed to do right?
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What is one more thing you can do to find balance in yourself and bring your score up a point?
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What will you do to ensure that you keep doing that one small thing?
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How will your life be different when you manage to get your score up a few points?
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What will you be doing that you are not doing now?
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Who will be the most surprised about these changes in you?
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Have you ever noticed how kids view the world? They seem to notice all the things that we as adults take for granted. Walk the beach with children and you'll be stopping every few seconds to watch a sand crab, pick up shells, or stare at the colors in a jellyfish. Twisted knots of seaweed hide strange bits of treasure. Every step along the beach leads to a new adventure, a new possibility.
It's different when adults walk the beach. Your mind is wrapped up by life concerns—your relationship with your mother, that impending lawsuit, and your kids' school tuition. You seldom, if ever, look down to see where you are going. Where are your possibilities?
Take some time and use the template in this chapter and the ones that follow to create new possibilities for yourself. Look at the world with a child's eye and take a chance to do something for yourself. No matter how small your first step might be, it is a step nonetheless. Like the acrobat who takes that first tentative step onto the wire, put one step in front of the other, and don't look back.