Chapter 14
Transition Time
Change is not achieved without inconvenience,
even from worse to better.
— RICHARD HOOKER, SIXTEENTH-CENTURY
THEOLOGIAN
I love that saying because I think many of us expect change to be a lot easier than it is, especially when we’re right in the middle of it. We make these grand changes to our life, thinking they’re for the better, and quite often our life gets worse or more uncomfortable, even painful, before it starts to improve. Many people don’t achieve long-term success but keep returning to the Pit in large part because they don’t ride out the transition time — the period from the old behaviors or patterns to the new ones that are forming.
Remember, there is no failure, only feedback, and feedback is a necessary part of the success journey — the journey of uncovering the wonderful mystery called you! Few of us achieve what we want after the first attempt, but we can fall into the trap of allowing ourselves to get discouraged. We expect the transition to be easy, and it’s not. It can be incredibly challenging at times, not to mention painful, and Pitman is there the whole way, coaxing, seducing, urging us back to our old ways, saying things like:
“Have a puff on that cigarette — one puff won’t hurt!”
“Lose your temper with your kids/staff/lover. They don’t realize how hard you work!”
“Have an extra piece of chocolate cake; you deserve it!”
“Sleep in; you can go to the gym tomorrow!”
“Feel sorry for yourself. No one cares anyway!”
“Have that extra drink; you need something to calm yourself!”
“Withdraw from those who love you; they don’t understand!”
“Forget about finishing this job; you can do it later.”
We have to be aware of Pitman’s presence and to allow Flipman to take over. We must constantly be aware of the urge to surrender to the “easy” way. We already know that the way to get out of a Pitman frame of mind is to do a positive behavior, thought, and feeling that is opposite to what we’re negatively feeling or thinking. If I’m feeling irritable, I force myself to smile and be lovely to people. If I feel like I want to quit some work I’m doing because it’s “too hard,” I force myself to keep going. If I feel like stopping my run or weight session, I force myself to keep doing one lift after the next. If I feel like quitting anything, I force myself to stick with it. Do I always succeed? No. There is always a transition period. I do know, though, that I’m 100 percent responsible for the choices I make in each moment, and the subsequent outcomes.
One of the easiest ways we can try to skip the discomfort and pain of the transition phase of a relationship breakup, without even realizing it, is to try to create another relationship. After the initial adjustment of separating from my husband and adapting to my new single life, I found myself unconsciously looking for a potential partner. I would get on a plane and scan the cabin for any man I was attracted to, and then I would check his left hand. Wedding ring? Yes. Oh well. Next! I had spent the previous eighteen years with someone in my life. I didn’t know how to be single anymore, so I kept searching everywhere I went.
With the wisdom of hindsight, I can see how in the first few months I was doing everything I could to avoid the painful transition time from being married to being single. Even though I had chosen to be single, I would hate nights on the sofa by myself. I was doing everything I could to avoid the inevitable. Then one night, when I was feeling particularly vulnerable, it hit me! I realized that I had kept myself so busy that I hadn’t fully acknowledged to myself that I was on my own. That was the night I accepted that I was really single instead of waiting for someone to come in and fill that space! There wasn’t anyone to chat with me, hear me out, sit with me, or hold and comfort me — not even anyone to fight with me!
I started to cry … and I cried and cried and cried. I was crying because I was scared about whether I could make it on my own. I was crying for what I had left behind, and I was crying because I felt so empty and uncertain. I was crying for my little boys and their heartache. It was one of the hardest periods of my life, but the only way out is through! I had to walk through the pain; I had to go through my jungle. I had to stop waiting. I realized it was either now or too late!
I sobbed my eyes out … and then I surrendered.
I surrendered to the realization that I was on my own, and I accepted that this transition would probably be painful — gut-wrenchingly painful. I surrendered to the fact that I would feel lonely, yet this was a space I needed to get used to. The easiest thing for me would have been to go straight into another relationship, but that wouldn’t have served me well for what I needed to learn. I needed to learn how to be on my own. I needed to learn how to look after myself. I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet and stop waiting for someone to come along and save me, as I had in all of my previous relationships. These thoughts terrified me, but I forged ahead all the same. It was like I was free-falling. I had nothing to cling to, and I was terrified yet exhilarated at the same time.
There were many moments when I just sat on the floor all alone and cried my eyes out. This was not a Pitman thing to do; it was an utterly Flipman thing to do — to express my emotions fully. I just allowed myself the right to feel what I needed to feel, without judgment. I wanted to understand me. I wanted to understand my needs and how I could be a better role model for my boys. I wanted to understand where my pain really came from and cease the blame game that had become too familiar in my dialogue.
I learned a lot, and I continue to do so. I also realized that I needed to give myself the space and time to adapt. Transition requires a great deal of focus, courage, and time. It’s easy to be addicted to the familiar patterns of the past. It’s a bit like having a “good enemy”; they’re not necessarily good for us, but we know how to play the game, so we keep them. So many of us get stuck wanting that familiarity, even if it’s to our own detriment.
Conquering Uncomfortable Emotions
When uncomfortable emotions arise in us, we tend to justify them away with Pitman comments, such as “I’m just tired,” “I’m hormonal,” “I have a headache,” “I’m just not feeling myself,” “I’ve just been so busy.” When we do this, we ignore the profound truths that are waiting just under the surface. We need to pay attention to these patterns rather than flick them off as something that’s out of our control. The moment we open the floodgates to our learning, and the moment we allow ourselves to take complete responsibility for our own evolution, it’s nonstop. It’s the most exhilarating experience in the world. There’s a wonderful saying, “You can never be unenlightened!” We can never undo what we know, and if we’re clever enough, we’ll keep adding to this sense of knowing and create a powerful compounding effect.
Having said that, the transition time can feel very painful, scary, and even awkward at times, so you can easily pull away and give up just when you are about to have a breakthrough. A necessary part of having a successful transition from what you are to what you want to be is allowing yourself to become the explorer in your own life. Instead of shutting down when the going gets tough, push on with a determined attitude to uncover the mystery that is you. (Just manage that heartbeat.) Why wait to be great? It’s either now or too late!
Another way of recognizing an opportunity for exploring is to notice what repulses us. Have you ever noticed that your reaction to something was not in line with the situation? When the punishment far outweighs the crime, there’s usually an underlying unresolved issue. It’s a signal for us to pay attention and do some serious exploring. Bring it in! The things we dislike in others are usually the things that we dislike in ourselves but are not willing to admit to. When we have a strong dislike for someone or get angry and act out with someone, and we don’t know why, it’s usually because something has come up for us but we’re not willing to accept it yet. If we start to unravel our patterns, we also have to be willing to experience the consequences of doing so. The journey to self-awareness is the most challenging and arduous of our lives, and I think that’s why most people continue to live in a state of numbness.
Peace and freedom happen when we let our Flipman shine through — especially the warrior part of Flipman. So often in my past, I did not allow my warrior to come through. The victim would come up. The poor wounded Pit Girl would come up. I would allow all this garbage from my past to stop me from being a true warrior. So one day I gave myself permission to be still and to have the time to contemplate. I now love time by myself (Me time). I cherish it. My alone time after the separation gave me the space to be my own explorer, to analyze my parenting, my leadership, and my friendships. Over time, I got to really know myself; I got to explore the reasons why I thought the way I did. I was able to evaluate the patterns that I had created in previous relationships, and I discovered what I did to attract these types of relationships into my life. During this period of transition and exploration, I also worked out how I wanted to be treated and what I would and would not settle for. I worked out what was important to me and what I expected from future relationships, and I defined the areas where I would no longer compromise.
Did this happen overnight? No way! But it did happen. I remember one night, about five months after the separation; the tears came up once again after saying goodbye to my boys for another week, as their father drove off with them. This happened every second week, and each time I would cry so hard it felt as though my heart was being wrenched out of my chest. But on that particular night, I made a decision: I had cried enough. There comes a time when we’ve grieved, cried, and worried enough, after which it’s time to move on. The lights go on, and we wake up! Of course I was still going to miss my boys dreadfully whenever I wasn’t with them, but I was no longer going to allow my feelings to paralyze me. We can get so stuck in our sadness that we can feel it’s never going to pass.
When I go to the Pit, I know it is my choice.
Not long after the separation I was driving home one day feeling particularly sad. I was crying my eyes out once again, and believe me, I am not a quiet weeper! The pain in my heart was so enormous that I felt I could barely breathe. I was passing through a forest on my journey home, and I heard a voice in my head saying, “This too shall pass!” And I really believed it.
“This too shall pass! Happy does come back.” Well, about two weeks later, I was driving past the exact same spot, but this time I felt amazing. I had the music pumping; I was on fire. Woo-hoo! And that same voice jumped into my head and said, “And this too shall pass!” I burst out laughing. How true is that? Every moment passes, and after night comes day, and when we’re done with sadness, happy does comes back!
I know that I’ll have many more times in my life when I’ll be touched by events that will offer me an opportunity to transform who I am, and they may very well come disguised as painful experiences. We will all have such experiences. And I know that I won’t always handle them with Flipman fortitude and grace. The great thing now, though, is that I decide when, where, with whom, and for how long I go to my Pit! I also give myself permission to feel all of my feelings, especially the healthy ones like sadness, grief, appropriate anger, and appropriate frustration. And when I go to the Pit, I am fully aware of it. I also know when I’m in there that it’s no one else’s fault.