Appendix A

40 PREDICTABLE BEHAVIORS OF HCPs

Since high-conflict people (HCPs) tend to treat all of their relationships as inherently adversarial, there are at least 40 things you can generally predict about them, once you see the four primary characteristics of all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, blaming others and extreme behaviors. This is regardless of where they live, their level of intelligence, occupation or social position. They:

1. Won’t reflect on their own behavior.

2. Won’t have insights about their part in problems.

3. Won’t understand why they behave the way they do.

4. Won’t change their behavior.

5. Won’t seek counseling or any form of real advice.

6. Won’t understand why they succeed in the short term (when they are initially charming and persuasive) and why they fail in the long-term (when reality sets in).

7. Will become extremely defensive if someone tells them to change.

8. Will claim their behavior is normal and necessary, given the circumstances.

9. Will lack empathy for others, although they may say the right words.

10. Will be preoccupied with drawing attention to themselves.

11. May be preoccupied with the past; defending their own actions and attacking others.

12. May have a public persona that’s very good, covering a negative personality in private.

13. May call others crazy when it’s suggested that they are being inappropriate.

14. May bully others, but defend themselves by saying that they were bullied.

15. Will be preoccupied with blaming others, even for very small or nonexistent events.

16. Will have lots of energy for blaming others, since they don’t spend it on self-reflection.

17. Will have Targets of Blame, who are intimate others or people in positions of authority.

18. Will focus on a single Target of Blame and try to control, remove or destroy that person.

19. May assault their Target(s) of Blame financially, reputationally, legally, physically, etc.

20. May engage administrative or legal procedures against their Target(s) of Blame.

21. Will constantly seek Negative Advocates to assist in blaming others and defending themselves.

22. Will easily turn against their Negative Advocates when they don’t do as they’re told.

23. Will demand loyalty from others and tell them what they need to do.

24. Will not be loyal themselves, claiming they were betrayed.

25. May be very secretive, yet demand full disclosure from others, including confidences.

26. May breach confidences about others when it serves their purpose.

27. Will truly wonder why so many people “turn against them” over time.

28. Will turn on family and good friends in an instant; may try to repair the relationship.

29. Will have few, if any, real friends over time.

30. Will not be happy most of the time, except when people totally agree with them.

31. Will have high-intensity relationships, starting with intense attractions but ending with intense resentments and blame.

32. Will have unrealistically high expectations of their allies, which will inevitably be dashed.

33. Will sabotage themselves, working against their own self-interest.

34. Will create many of the problems that they claim they are trying to solve.

35. Will project onto others what they are doing or thinking themselves.

36. Will lack self-restraint, even when it’s in their best interests to restrain themselves.

37. Will do things impulsively, then sometimes regret it and other times not regret it.

38. Will ask for many favors, yet will not reciprocate favors.

39. Will respond to requests with unrelated demands, often ignoring the request altogether.

40. Will “split” those around them into all-good and all-bad people, triggering many conflicts.

In general, people are shocked at how intense, but predictable, these behaviors can be. Once they see the four primary characteristics, however, they can focus on avoiding the person or using the methods described in this book to help manage the situation.

© 2018 by William A. Eddy Tarcher/Perigee Penguin/Random House