Chapter 11

How and Why to Terminate Employees with Grace and Dignity

“To part is the lot of all mankind.”

–R. M. BALLANTYNE

Now, you might think Winning Well managers have everyone focused on the right behaviors, hold them accountable, and inspire greatness, so there would be no need to fire anyone. Sadly, even the strongest managers find themselves in situations where the best solution for all parties is to part ways. Winning Well managers know how to fire someone with grace and dignity.

• • •

“My name is Mary. Can I talk with you a minute?”

David had just finished delivering a leadership skills program for a gathering of middle-level managers and executives. Mary had come up afterward to introduce herself and share her experience.

“I was the vice president of a well-known technology company, and I consistently did everything you just talked about—with one exception. I let people stay who weren’t right for the team.”

David replied, “You’re not alone. That’s a difficult challenge for most managers.”

Mary frowned. “Yes it is. It’s also why I said ‘I was the vice president.’ I lost my job because I didn’t practice adequate accountability. Please make sure people know how important this is. Tell them Mary said so.”

Well, Mary—this is for you:

Recently, the human resources firm TINYhr conducted a survey that asked, “What would you do if you got to be boss for a day?”

How might you answer this question? How do you think your employees would answer it?

We first saw this survey 20 years ago, and, curiously, the number one answer had not changed. The number one answer wasn’t give myself a raise, take more vacation, or put better food in the break room. More respondents said they would “fire, demote, or make other changes to improve employee caliber” than anything else.¹

Now, we’ve both been around long enough to know that some of the people choosing this as their number one response might lack self-awareness and actually be at the top of your removal list. Nevertheless, with its consistent results across decades, the survey underscores the need for you to practice accountability.

Managers often have to fire people, but there is a huge difference between managers who do it well and those who make it a terrible, humiliating experience. Firing someone is one of the most difficult things most managers ever have to do. Even so, removing a person from your team or work group is an important part of winning. Removing poor performers tells your contributing people that you value their time and effort. When you remove troublesome individuals, you help everyone be more productive—especially you. In our experience, a troublesome poor performer can soak up 80 percent of your time when you don’t take proper care of the situation.

So yes, if you’re going to win, there will come a time when you need to fire people. How you do it determines if you win well. This trips up many managers.

For example, it may feel easy to fire someone you’ve never cared for, who treated you and everyone else rudely and abused customers, but what about when you really like the person? You’ve grown close over the years. You care about her. You might even know her family. Perhaps she’s even a strong performer who did something stupid. Now you have to fire her. How do you do that?

Before anything else, let’s start with a strong caveat: We are not employment-law attorneys. You absolutely need to talk with your human resource folks, or, if you’re in a smaller organization and don’t have that avenue available, talk with an attorney or your local employers council. It’s your responsibility to be clear about the institution’s rules, contracts (e.g., vis-à-vis unions or tenure), and any federal and state laws affecting your situation. That’s not what we want to address. Rather, we hope to help you with mindsets and practices that will help you terminate employees with grace and dignity when it is the best course of action.

HOW TO GET OKAY WITH A TOUGH DECISION

Many managers struggle with the decision to remove an employee from the team. This isn’t a bad thing—you should take it seriously. David once worked alongside the owner of a large construction firm. When they spoke about firing employees, the owner said, “If you ever reach a place where you can affect a person’s livelihood and family without a second thought, then it’s time for you to resign.”

You should take it seriously and give it that second thought but be aware of the temptation to put it off or avoid it. Terminating employment can be a very emotional decision. That’s why so many managers avoid it. You might feel like you don’t want to hurt the person or his family. If you’re a Pleaser Manager, you want people to like you. Even Users can procrastinate on these decisions. In order to move past this paralysis, you’ll need to change your mindset.

When you manage, there will come a time when you realize a person is no longer committed to the mission and is not, or never was, a good fit for the organization. In these situations, you want to be sure you’ve made reasonable efforts to help her (reinforce expectations, alert her to the issue, provide any needed training, and practice your company’s due process if it has one). If you’ve done this and it’s clear that the person needs to move on, the most important thing you can do for your team, for your own credibility, and for the employee is to help her go.

You should weigh the issues and make thoughtful decisions, but there will still be times when asking an employee to leave is necessary. Don’t do it because other people think you should, don’t do it because you’re angry, and don’t do it to avoid other problems. When you terminate, do it because it is best for the team, the organization, and that employee.

Not Everyone Belongs Here

One fundamental mindset to embrace before you can help your people achieve results together is that not everyone is meant to be a part of every group, team, or organization.

On the surface this may seem self-evident, and yet you’ve probably been a part of an organization or team that suffered because those with the responsibility to ensure fit and mission alignment did not do their job. At the heart of terminating employees with grace and dignity is the understanding that the human being in front of you has strengths and value—strengths and value that just don’t work for his current position.

Karin worked with an HR manager who had lots of big ideas but constantly suffered in execution. After a year of reviewing expectations, performance-improvement planning, training, and straight talk, she had to let him go. A year later he called her and said:

“Thank you. Getting fired was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I’m working on my Ph.D., teaching, and consulting. In hindsight, I should have quit, but I was too scared about what to do next. This forced me into needed action.”

If you need to fire someone, it doesn’t really matter if she did something wrong or simply isn’t an ideal fit. We’re talking about a mindset that you bring to the process: This isn’t personal, and not everyone is meant to be a part of every team.

You Serve Them Too

One of the most important pieces of the termination decision is the awareness that when you help someone move on, you serve that person too. This is a vital part of knowing how to say good-bye: realizing that you don’t do an employee any favors by tolerating poor performance, mission misalignment, or abuse of coworkers.

When you help someone move on, you serve that person too. You don’t do an employee any favors by tolerating poor performance, mission misalignment, or abuse of coworkers.

In the case of mission misalignment, if you don’t say good-bye, you keep the person from learning more about his strengths. In the instance where you tolerate negligence or abuse, you enable poor behavior and prevent the individual from learning how to succeed in the real world.

In either case, while saying good-bye to employees is not pleasant or something you would look forward to, it can definitely be an act of caring if your motivations center both on what is best for the individual and on what is best for the organization.

Don’t allow your lack of courage or your discomfort to hurt your poor performers and your good ones. Great managers know when and how to say good-bye because they recognize that in doing so they express value for their team, for the mission, and even for the departing staff member.

HOW DO I DO THIS?

First, do your homework. When you prepare properly, you make it less likely you’ll run into problems with termination decisions. That’s why we stress the importance of clear expectations. If you get frustrated with an employee’s performance but your expectations weren’t clear, that’s your fault, not hers. Be diligent with clear expectations, know your company’s policies and procedures, and go through the right processes to help the person perform or prepare for termination.

Now let’s assume you’ve done all the work leading up to the termination decision. You’ve clarified expectations, provided necessary training, followed your company’s policies, given appropriate second chances, and still, it did not work out. Now you are stuck with “How?” Once again, when we say “How?” we are not providing legal advice; we want to help you go through the process in a way that maintains your dignity and the employee’s.

Human resource professionals will rightly tell you to keep the conversation short, clear, and direct. Generally, in the presence of a witness, you will tell the employee what is happening, have her pack, and escort her off-site. Don’t apologize. Be aware of security issues; we’ve both conducted terminations where we had extra security planted around the corner in case things got “crazy” with an employee who had been abusive or threatening.

WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY MORE

Terminating someone’s employment can be difficult, but it’s important that you keep your composure. One time, David had an HR representative along as a witness, and the rep actually got misty-eyed and nearly started crying, sympathizing with the employee who had lost his job. That’s not professional, it makes a difficult situation very awkward, and it can even create legal problems down the road. When your heart calls for more than a simple, straightforward statement, keep in mind:

1. This is not about you.

It can be tempting to express your own difficulty or emotional anguish when you have to let someone go.

Don’t.

A simple, neutrally worded statement along the lines of, “These conversations are not easy” is adequate. Anything more dramatic or emotional than that makes the conversation about you and not about the other person. Whatever emotional stresses you might experience in the situation pales compared to the employee’s. She just lost her job. Keep your focus on serving her by being clear, concise, and supportive.

2. He did something wrong; he isn’t something wrong.

Be clear about the behavior or reason for termination. Reference “these actions” and not the person. For example, “These unexcused absences have resulted in . . .” as opposed to “You’re undependable.” This mistake does not define the person. Give him a chance to talk if he needs a minute.

3. She has a future and could use some hope.

Help her to fail forward. Karin tries to plant a seed about an optimistic future, even if she’s furious with what the employee has done. For example, she might say, “You don’t have to let this define you. I’ve seen many people who’ve bounced back from what appeared devastating at the time to have vibrant careers.”

4. Allow space for questions.

It is compassionate to say something like, “I know this can be a lot to take in. Do you have any questions about the process or what needs to happen next?” (Note that you did not open the door to questions about the decision. If he questions or challenges the decision, return to a gently worded, “I know this can be difficult. This will be your last day, and we will . . .,” then redescribe the process.) Be sure he knows whom to contact in the event he has questions about any loose ends.

5. You can say good-bye.

We’ve never regretted taking a moment to connect and say good-bye. If you were close, it’s okay to say something personal if it feels right. David has had to fire several people who remained friends afterward even though they weren’t the right fit for the position.

Compassionate leaders stay compassionate. Stay firm, don’t backpedal, but it’s okay to connect and say, “Good-bye,” and, “You can survive this.”

YOUR WINNING WELL ACTION PLAN

NOTES

1.  TINYhr, “Employee Wishlists for 2015,” accessed February 7, 2015, http://www.tinyhr.com/landing-page/2015-new-year-employee-report.