CHAPTER 16

Get the Feedback You Need and the Influence You Crave

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“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.”

–LARRY KING

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Sometimes your employees will make it difficult for them to be heard. Ironically, when they most need to talk, they’ll push you away with behaviors that will make your hair curl. If you can take the high road, meet them where they are, and run along beside them, you may be surprised how much you can hear. You’ll gain a reputation for Winning Well, versus that of a soulless User, Gamer, or Pleaser.

• • •

Karin was arguably the most disengaged and lazy sorority pledge at Wake Forest University. She had rushed because she was warned that nearly all of the social life on campus centered on the Greek system.

The difficulty was that she had trouble viewing herself as a “sorority girl.” She was more of the studious, madrigal-singing type. She started skipping mandatory events because they felt like a colossal waste of time and blowing off requirements to interview every sister about her favorite foods and secret fantasies. When her advanced biology class started to crush her brain, she began work on her exit strategy.

When Brig, the president, pulled her aside, she felt instant relief. She wasn’t going to have to quit. She was going to get kicked out—even better.

“Karin, you seem athletic. Do you know how to roller skate?”

Taken off guard by the seemingly random question, Karin remembered childhood summers when her friend Sabine visited from Germany and they would lace up their roller skates to race, swirl, and make up shows every day until dusk.

“Actually, I do,” she confessed.

“Great, we need someone to do the roller skate leg of the relay around the quad for the Greek games.” (Think high-energy, silly, yet serious Olympics.)

“Oh, I’d love to, but I didn’t bring my skates to school.” Off the hook again.

“Oh, I’ll find you some skates.”

“Well, I’d have to try them out, and I’m so busy studying for this biology exam.” Even she knew how ridiculous that sounded as the words spewed out. Clearly she was still trying to get tossed out.

Brig persisted. “What time are you done studying tonight?”

“Midnight.”

“Great, meet me on the quad at midnight. I’ll bring the skates. The race is at 3:00 p.m. tomorrow.”

As Karin laced up the skates, Brig asked her she if she liked the sorority. At last, a window to confess. She skated, and Brig ran beside her on the moonlit quad. Karin poured out her fears of losing the academic scholarship she needed to remain at the school if she didn’t pass biology. She explained her resistance to the interviews and her feelings that this just wasn’t for her.

Brig listened intently and asked questions. “Why did you join the sorority? What requirements make this seem impossible? Do you know why we require you to talk to each sister?”

She explained the “why” behind every ritual. And then worked to co-create a reduced schedule of obligations that Karin could commit to and keep her academic standing.

When Karin returned for homecoming a few years later, she asked Brig if she remembered that midnight meeting. “Of course I do,” she said, smiling. “Good leadership is never accidental.”

“How crazy is it that I ended up being president?” Karin asked.

Brig looked at her full of confidence and pride. “Karin, I knew one of two things was going to happen with you. You were going to quit, or you were going to be president someday. My vote was for president.”

INVITE FEEDBACK

People in positions of power often sabotage themselves and create environments where no one will tell them the truth—often difficult truths about themselves.

Mark’s Story

Mark was a leader who had just crashed and burned. He was the president and CEO of a midsize hospital and called us after he had made a decision that could cost him his reputation and maybe his job. He had promoted a woman who subsequently embezzled and then tried to sue when the hospital finally terminated her employment. After her termination, it was clear that many people in the organization had known she had problems for a long time.

Mark stared at the floor, his jaw clenched in frustration. He looked up, and with a quiet whisper asked, “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

The sad part was that it didn’t have to happen this way. His people knew it wasn’t a good call, but he never heard their feedback.

Watching Mark’s behavior in meetings was painful. He would ask for input on a question, and if it didn’t match what he hoped to hear, he would cut off his employees, telling them they didn’t understand, or that the rationale behind their suggestion wasn’t important to him. In meetings he was firmly caught in User behaviors, valuing his own confidence above humility and myopically focused on results to the exclusion of the relationships that could have kept him out of trouble.

However, he also had a Gamer tendency to anoint certain employees as “golden children” who could do no wrong. Mark was charismatic, and people would work hard to gain his favor, often by criticizing people they knew he didn’t like. Two of his direct reports, including the woman who would embezzle, had learned how to tell him what he wanted to hear, and he lavished praise and promotions on them. Frankly, it was surprising anyone shared any feedback at all. As we worked with the staff, we repeatedly heard the refrain, “Why bother? Mark doesn’t want to hear it, and he’s just going to do what he wants to do anyway.”

Mark was caught in the quicksand of User and Gamer behaviors. Driven for results without regard for all the people he needed to achieve them, he fostered division and backstabbing competition between his employees rather than productive collaboration. Throughout the organization people worked not to improve patient outcomes or financial health but to get his approval. Over time, Mark had isolated himself from hearing the truth he desperately needed, and people justifiably gave up trying.

Every manager can fall prey to Mark’s tendencies. Here are six ways to ensure you have the truth you need and to keep your reputation for Winning Well:

1. Ask for the truth.

Regularly encourage dialogue in your team. Ask people to teach you one thing you don’t know. Become a person known for caring what’s really going on.

2. Say thank you.

When someone shares a hard truth, especially about you, thank him or her for having the courage, taking the time, and caring enough to share it with you.

3. Respond.

If you ask for input, take time to respond. Even if not every idea is actionable, acknowledging that the ideas were heard and considered increases the likelihood that you will hear more in the future.

4. Never ever shoot the messenger.

If someone has the heart and courage to bring you a difficult truth, even if you vehemently disagree, bite your lip. If you attack her, she will probably never bring you another concern.

5. Find your truth tellers.

There are people who understand their team, environment, or processes and are willing to voice their observations. Find these people, keep in regular communication, and let them know you value their observations.

6. Look in the mirror.

If you suspect you are not hearing the truth from those around you, it is time to look in the mirror and examine how you are interacting with others. We would bet you’re having difficulty with one or more of the first four items on this list. If you struggle to see it, ask others for input, find a mentor, or consider a coach.

HELP THEM DEVELOP THEIR VOICES

Have you ever been in a meeting where two people said exactly the same thing, but one person was heard and the other was not? Have you ever been on a conference call and felt like you were speaking to the mute button?

This happens to your employees as well. It could be with one another, or in other meetings they attend. Help them develop their skills so their voices can be heard.

Lisa was fortunate early in her career to have a great mentor on being heard. Her company had hired a consultant to do some important process work. Lisa was still in her 20s, the youngest person in the room by over a decade, and also the token HR person on the project—not the best combination to be heard. But she was fired up and passionate about treating employees with respect, transparency, and engagement.

The first few times Lisa shared her opinion, she was ignored. The consultant pulled her aside on a break and said, “Everything you say is right on, but they can’t hear you, your timing is off. Here’s the deal: When I give you the look, you start talking employee engagement. I will back you up and ask provocative questions for them to consider.”

It worked masterfully. They heard her, and the project members started to care for the people side of the project. She paid close attention to the timing of the consultant’s nods and learned the patterns so she wouldn’t require the prompts.

THE VOICE APPROACH

If your employees have trouble being heard, work with them to organize and articulate their thoughts using the VOICE approach.

V—Visualize

Visualize what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Include it all: the eye contact, sitting up tall with an open stance, strong projection, and confident tone. Visualize the listeners’ receptive response. It’s much easier to feel confident when you’ve practiced.

O—Organize

Organize your thoughts in advance. Make an outline if needed. Consider the key points that will support your point of view. Know your opening sentence so you won’t be tempted to start with an apology (“This may be a bad idea, but … ”).

I—Inquire

If possible, do your homework in advance and find out other people’s opinions on the topic. If you’re responding spontaneously, ask for feedback (e.g., “How do you think this idea could impact our project?”).

C—Consider

Listen carefully to other peoples’ opinions and ideas. Thank them and respond appropriately. Build on and integrate their ideas if possible.

E—Energize

Breathe out from deep in your body. Your body will naturally draw in breath and release tension. Speak with full breath—avoid the ‘too cool for school’ gravely vocalization. Stay energetic in your delivery. It’s hard to ignore someone who is genuinely passionate about his point of view.

Most important, be sure you believe what you have to say. If you’re unsure, your audience will be equally skeptical.

BUT WHAT IF THEY DON’T LISTEN TO ME?

“But I’ve told them!”

Lenny was a passionate but frustrated manager in a human services company. His people weren’t implementing new procedures that would improve client service and reduce costs. When we interviewed Lenny’s team, it was painfully obvious that they did not understand the new procedures and were not clear about how they would help the people they served.

When we shared the results of these interviews, Lenny’s frustration was obvious. He echoed the cry of managers the world over: “But I’ve told them! I swear I have. I can even show you the meeting agenda where everything was spelled out.”

Have you ever felt like Lenny? One of the most frustrating aspects of being a manager is when your employees won’t listen to you.

• You passionately share a vision of the future, and are met with chirping crickets.

• You share new procedures to help improve results, and everyone continues doing what they’ve always done.

• You make recommendations grounded in clear facts, and they are ignored.

How you handle these moments matters. Learn from them and your effectiveness will skyrocket, but if you become so frustrated that you rely on fear or power, your credibility (and soul) will vanish. User managers often go on rants and throw in a few threats about what will happen if their people continue to ignore them. Pleasers may beg, cajole, and then move to attack with, “What’s wrong with you guys?” Either way, you may get compliance for a little while—a short-term win. However, the score is now: you 1, your team 0. They feel diminished and stupid. They lose confidence in you and won’t tell you when they’re confused or something is unclear. They may even look around for another job with a manager who knows how to communicate.

Here are ten questions to ask when you feel like your team won’t listen:

1. What do you really want?

Whenever you have management challenges, the first thing to examine is your own motivation. Are you truly focused on results and relationships, or are User or Pleaser motivations creeping in?

There’s a big difference between wanting what’s best for the team and wanting what’s best for you. So what is it you really want?

If the answer is submission—“I know what’s best, and they’d better listen to me”—then you won’t ever have a team that wins well. They will act out of fear when they have to and ignore you when they feel it’s safe.

When you want more—for the group to succeed together, to make an impact—you’re on your way to Winning Well.

2. Do you speak their language?

Do the words and concepts you use mean the same thing to your team that they mean to you? Do you share numbers and facts when stories and demonstrations are needed—or vice versa?

3. Do you listen?

If you don’t hear what people tell you, they’ll naturally think you don’t care, they’ll lose heart, and they will stop caring. To learn whether or not you’re hearing people, ask a few team members to share with you: “Is there anything you’ve been trying to tell me that I’m just not hearing?” Be quiet and listen. Thank them for sharing, and respond in time. You don’t have to agree, but you do need to hear. It takes both internal values of confidence and humility to truly listen without defending yourself. When you listen, you strengthen the connection with your people and learn what areas of training, execution, and accountability need attention.

4. Do you have credibility?

If your team can say, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” and they have evidence to back up their conclusion, expect to be ignored. Credibility is built, not demanded. If you don’t know what you’re doing in a certain arena, admit it and seek out others with the expertise to supplement what you do know. When your people can’t trust you or rely on you, but you insist on compliance, you fight an uphill battle you cannot win in the long run.

5. Do you know what matters to them?

Everyone values something. If the values you promote conflict with your people’s values, you’ll have trouble being heard.

6. Are you ordering or inviting?

Invitation is the language of collaboration. We don’t mean the literal phrasing of the words (although that can make a difference too), so much as the attitude behind them. People know when you focus on relationships along with results. Do you communicate that you’re better than everyone else and they should serve you? Or do you invite people with mutual dignity to participate with you?

7. Have you explained the “whys”?

Even military briefings include the reasons and objectives behind the orders. Sometimes people’s lack of response results from not understanding the consequences of their action or inaction. This is one area where Lenny was able to improve. He had shared the new procedures, but without connecting the “what” to the “why.”

8. Do you check for understanding?

An idea is rarely as clear to the listener as it is to the speaker. Use the check for understanding tools from Chapter 4. Ask your listeners what they heard, what they understood you to be asking, and what they understand the consequences to be.

9. Do you say it often enough?

This was the core of Lenny’s problem. He had shared the new procedures and he had the meeting agenda to prove it, but when it comes to communicating change, once is never enough.

We have worked with so many frustrated leaders who complain that their team is insubordinate or unresponsive. When asked if they communicated the issue to their team, they say yes. Here are a few of the answers we got when we asked, “When was the last time you communicated the issue?”:

• “Last year.”

• “At that off-site the year before last.”

• “We were in the hallway six months ago.”

• “At the staff meeting last month.”

• “In an email.”

If you’ve communicated something once, you haven’t communicated. Your people have lives beyond you (we know—the truth hurts) and may have bigger fish to fry than your company’s vision. Users and Pleasers often think that something they said two years ago, or even two months ago, is on everyone’s mind when they wake up every morning, but that’s foolish and only leads to frustration. Managers who win well communicate frequently.

10. Do you say it in different ways?

People learn differently—some by seeing things, some by hearing, some through practice, and so on. As you practice communicating frequently, use different techniques. Try our Winning Well 6x3 communication strategy: repeat critical information at least six times through three or more channels. For example, to communicate a new procedure, you might use email, a staff meeting, and one-on-one meetings for your three channels.

David once visited the company headquarters of an international medical technology firm. In a single gathering of staff, the leaders of the organization used heartfelt letters, humorous skits, a spoken address from the president, call and response, and audiovisual production, and they fielded unscripted questions from attendees. In that one meeting they used every item on this list, and theirs is frequently cited on lists of best places to work.

If you feel as if no one’s listening, ask yourself these ten questions, be honest with yourself, and take action in response to your answers. Winning Well managers master these challenging communication moments.

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If you’ve communicated something once, you haven’t communicated.

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YOUR WINNING WELL ACTION PLAN