Lead with Authenticity
A conversation with Tina Opie
Authenticity is what it feels like when you can bring your whole self to work—when your behavior matches your intentions. But there’s a challenge for women who want to be authentic at work. We’re daughters, mothers, sisters, and bosses, and all these different roles can be tough to reconcile. So while authentic leadership is often viewed as geared toward a single norm, as women we live in a multipolar world. How can we be true to ourselves when there are so many competing selves?
Tina Opie is an associate professor at Babson College. She sat down with Women at Work cohosts Amy Bernstein, Sarah Green Carmichael, and Nicole Torres to talk about what feels authentic to us and what doesn’t, particularly when it comes to emotions at work.
SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: I worked with a woman once whose boss told her, “You have a lot of potential—I can see you moving into management. But if you want to do that, you need to dress differently and you should start wearing makeup.” Everyone in this case was a woman, but my peer was furious. Is it sexist to give someone that kind of advice?
TINA OPIE: We have to differentiate between how we want the world to be and how the world actually is. Would I like that advice to never be heard or uttered? Would I like it if the way you want to go to work was completely fine as long as you’re doing an amazing job? That’s the kind of world I want to live in, and the kind of world that I’ve dedicated my research and teaching toward building. But unfortunately, that is not the world in which we live.
We live in a world where impressions matter, and where appearance is highly connected to impressions. The way that humans categorize other people is instantaneous. And because of those types of connections, we automatically think, “This kind of person is going to be more professional. This kind of person is not going to be.” If you happen to fall into the latter category, you may have some additional work to do to demonstrate that you are, in fact, fierce, professional, or amazing. But that may come after that initial impression.
NICOLE TORRES: Aside from appearance, how else do we think about authenticity in the workplace?
TINA: Well, it could be the way that you communicate. I was once told that I was too ethnic because I speak with my hands. But the clients loved me. They said, “You’re such a great storyteller.” So the way that you communicate, your accent, or the way that you articulate anger, disagreement, and conflict all matter for authenticity. Some people will avoid anger at all costs; others will dive right in. For me, it is authentic to convey anger, but that’s considered unprofessional in some settings.
Imagine a setting where you’re direct with your supervisor, subordinate, or colleague and say, “Listen, that was my idea in the meeting. We talked about it. Explain to me why you took credit for it.”
NICOLE: I could never imagine saying that.
TINA: But ask yourself why. Some of it is about personality, but in many professional contexts you’re going to be considered bad if you advocate for yourself, especially if you do that in front of the group.
SARAH: When we talk about leaders being authentic, a lot of what we talk about is that we want to invite in happy feelings to the workplace. We say we want people to bring their whole selves to work, but we really mean those parts of themselves that are shiny and happy. We don’t usually mean anger, especially for women.
TINA: You’re absolutely right. Women experience significant backlash when they express anger in the workplace—Tori Brescoll at the Yale School of Management has done some work on that. But then Ashleigh Shelby Rosette at Duke’s Fuqua School of Business, Robert Livingston at the Harvard Kennedy School, and some other folks have done some additional research that shows that this may have to do with intersectionality, because Black women don’t receive as much backlash as white women do when expressing anger in the workforce.
I have never understood the visceral negative reaction to anger in the workplace. Now, I’m not talking about someone going up and down the aisles and yelling at people, cursing people out, physical violence, or throwing things around. Anger means displeasure, annoyance. It’s a signal that something is awry or unjust. Why is it bad to express that?
Of course, we have to think about the way that we channel that emotion and the way that we communicate those ideas at work. Women in particular have to be mindful of that. Women who can figure out how to use their anger in a productive way may find themselves at an advantage.
Have you all been angry in the workplace? What have you done? Have you gone to your cube or office? Have you called a friend? Gone into the bathroom and cried? I’d be curious to know if you all have seen examples of when anger has been successfully used.
AMY BERNSTEIN: You just made me think about the instances when I’ve been angry and when I’ve cried. There are two kinds of anger as I’ve experienced them. One is the hurt anger: I can’t believe you just did that to me. That is really difficult for me. I always question whether or not this is justified and how much of it is my fault. I go through that checklist of reasons not to deal with it, and when I have dealt with it, it’s brought change that I needed.
But there’s another kind of anger that I have had more frequently, which is when things aren’t done the way I’ve asked for them to be done. I run a team and an operation; if I believe that my requests have been countermanded, I get angry and I will say so. I’ll call people out for it, but I’ll do it privately, usually. If it is impeding progress for the organization, that will make me quite angry, and I can be articulate about it. The other one, holy cow, I just go up in flames.
TINA: What’s interesting is that when it’s about you in that way, we give ourselves permission to be mad: This is about the work, so I have permission to be angry because if I don’t say something, the organization suffers. Here we are as women who want to save the organization. So we’re willing to go to bat for that kind of anger.
I would also say that we as women may be more willing to articulate our anger if someone has been unjust to someone else or we see someone treating one of our subordinates unfairly—Here I am, angry woman, hands on hips, head to the side, what are you doing? But if they had done the same thing to us, we don’t give ourselves permission to articulate that anger and to address the injustices that are personal.
SARAH: I’ve spent most of my career in HBR, and my experience of our company culture is that visible displays of anger are not welcome. On the whole, this anti-anger culture works for me because I’m a conflict-avoidant person. That said, there have been times when I have felt angry at work. The older I have gotten, the more I have been willing to call it anger and the more I’ve been able to decide what to do with it as opposed to just feeling it.
NICOLE: It seems related to women being expected not to show too much emotion at work. Even being passionate about something can be misinterpreted as being too emotional. That line gets put on women much more often than on men.
AMY: I also think it’s connected to our fear of directness. I get called out on that occasionally. In a polite culture, like ours, being direct can be misinterpreted as being angry or rude when all you’re trying to do is be clear, because a lack of clarity in my view leads to all kinds of problems. Plus, I’m a New Yorker; it’s in my DNA. Tina, what are your thoughts?
TINA: I absolutely agree. You’re still getting at the idea that there are organizational cultural notions of what is and isn’t professional. How you express yourself in the workplace is connected to authenticity.
I come from a very direct family. We’re from the South, and people often think about Southern gentility. But we’re a Black Southern family, and let me tell you—if somebody comes to the house and they’re rude, we might not say it in front of them, but we will talk about it for days. The interesting thing is that as I grew older, I was known as the one who was direct, who was forthright, so my mother would say, “Go get ’em, Tina. Go tell ’em what the deal is.” Because that was my personality.
I absolutely think as a woman in the workplace, I have been slapped on the wrist for being too direct. But I’ve also tried to figure out how to work around that. I will say to someone when they come to me and ask a question, “Do you want to hear the truth? Do you want to hear what I really think? Or do you want me to just say something to appease the situation?” If you tell me you really want to hear what I think, I’m going to be direct. People know that about me, and for some reason people like that. I actually think we could adjust our cultures and workplaces so that being direct with kindness would be valued, as opposed to being indirect, which doesn’t necessarily have a kind intention behind it. Someone may not want to hurt your feelings, but they also may not want to give you the direct critical feedback that would help you evolve into a better employee.
SARAH: My background is a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant New Englander, and my family is not direct. In the workplace, I have always struggled with how I can be indirect but clear and nice, versus what feels to me like being direct and clear but mean. Nicole, what about you?
NICOLE: Background? Very indirect. We’re suppressors of emotion. We seethe if we’re sad or angry. It was not a very emotional household, and I am not a very emotional person. When I come into work, I don’t consider myself very indirect, but I think I’m very polite in my emails, though asking for things can be kind of a challenge: This will be a great idea; this is great for both of us—
SARAH: You may be the most polite person in our office.
NICOLE: I’m very polite. I love exclamation points! I want people to feel my positive energy going to them. I think that’s internalized from growing up and not really getting to be angry or getting to show anger or even ask for things directly.
TINA: I’m putting you on the spot, Nicole. Do you identify as Asian?
NICOLE: Uh-huh.
TINA: From what country?
TINA: I asked because there are stereotypes. In the workplace, Asian people are known as model minorities. Really polite, they will get the work done and focus on the task, but they’re not leaders. Have you heard that stereotype before?
NICOLE: Oh, yeah. We’ve published research on that.
TINA: I’ve read that research and actually have counseled some of my students of Asian descent because that’s something that they encounter. My question is, when you said you’re not very emotional, is it that you don’t feel the emotions? Or that you don’t want to express the emotion?
NICOLE: I feel these emotions. Not knowing how to express them or what’s appropriate to express is probably a big question that I think about subconsciously. I think it is cultural, and that norms of my household growing up and the trajectory that was laid out for me is very different than the expectations and path that I envision for myself now. Trying to advance in the workplace, trying to lead and be heard—that’s very different than the role I was expected to play growing up: Do really well in school, don’t talk back, get good grades, get a good job, don’t cause a fuss.
TINA: We all have our cultural upbringing. We go into a workplace context and have to figure out where we as authentic individuals reside and how we navigate those spaces. Because if you want to express your emotion but you feel like you don’t know how to, that’s one thing. But if you feel like you have to express emotion because the workplace is forcing you to do that, then that’s still inauthentic.
AMY: Herminia Ibarra of London Business School wrote this great HBR article, “The Authenticity Paradox.” One of the points she made that really resonated for me was that when you think about authenticity, particularly someone who’s closer to the beginning of her career, you have to try on different personas to see which one feels comfortable. Because the person who graduated from college a few years ago probably isn’t going to be the one who thrives in any workplace, right? You learn, you grow, you bump into a few things, you find the right way forward for yourself. Does that resonate for you, Nicole?
NICOLE: Yeah. She said in that piece that you don’t want to have too rigid a definition of authenticity. What I would love to know is what’s the difference between being inauthentic and then just being pushed out of your comfort zone. With the latter you do need to evolve in the workplace and as a leader.
TINA: For me, authenticity is about being your best self. There’s some research that has said: Keep your authentic self at home. Nobody wants to see your authentic self—it’s nasty. Well, that’s not the authentic self that I’m talking about. It’s one thing to be driving, see someone do something that makes you angry, and give them the finger. Some people would say that’s being authentic. But I would say it’s not. That is being under stress or duress. If I had time to stop and reflect and didn’t allow my emotions to carry me away, I wouldn’t do that. Because that’s not what I value; that doesn’t align with the values that I authentically hold.
SARAH: A work example is how women can adjust their communication style to be heard more in meetings. Rather than phrasing something as a question, such as, “How about we do this?” instead saying, “My strong recommendation is this.” Does it feel inauthentic when you are consciously trying to change the way that you talk to be heard?
TINA: It’s difficult to know because some of that may come from career counseling and career advice that will help women, men—everyone. But some of it is subtle cues to conform; to speak louder; to use more declarative statements; to be more emphatic; to stand up, spread yourself out, and possess the room; to get in there and command the space. Are we talking about a football field or a conference room? What if you have someone who has a softer voice, who is brilliant but can argue and present both sides? Don’t we have room at the table or in the workplace for that kind of voice as well?
I think we can quickly go down a road where we’re advising women in ways like, “Speak in a deeper voice.” Is that really necessary? If they’re communicating the ideas, do they need to communicate in a particular way?
AMY: How is that different from how you dress?
TINA: That’s the question. I don’t know. Because we’re trying to figure out the boundary lines, right? We’re trying to figure out how this person can be authentic and excel in the workplace.
I do not have much of a Southern accent unless I’m angry or really tired. And that is because my parents raised us to not have a Southern accent, because they recognized that it might be inhibiting to our academic and career success. Would I be more authentic if I still had my Southern accent? I don’t know. I was willing to give that up. I’m not willing to relax my hair though. That’s the line for me.
SARAH: Do you think that it is possible for a woman to be a truly authentic leader?
TINA: I do think it’s possible for a woman to be an authentic leader—a person who is expressing themselves, who is reflected in the values that they want to bring to the workplace, who is willing to share the pros and cons with the people who are following them.
What I’m struggling with is authentic leadership. The definition of it can shift depending on what you’re talking about. Do we mean someone who’s honest and transparent? Or do we mean someone who is pursuing their best self, who is working to take the perspectives of the people who follow them so that they can take that into consideration when they’re making decisions? I think it’s possible for women to be authentic and to be leaders in that way.
I do not think it’s necessarily limited to certain kinds of women, but I do think it’s harder for women. The less power you have, the more challenging it can be to be authentic, period. If you’re an hourly worker who is dependent upon your employer and they tell you to wear an apron and straighten your hair, you may be more inclined to do that than if you are the CEO of an organization. We have to be sensitive to the fact that it’s not as easy for everyone, and power rears its head and impacts women’s and men’s ability to be authentic in the workplace and to be authentic leaders.
Adapted from “Lead with Authenticity,” Women at Work podcast season 1, episode 3, February 9, 2018.