How do you like to relax? Assuming that you do relax somehow, of course… Do you sleep? Run? Socialise? Do something creative? Get outdoors?

We all have our favourite ways to unwind. However, it can be a bit hit and miss. What works for one person may be less effective for someone else. One survey revealed that some people relax by surfing the internet or making lists of things to do – the rest of us might find both these things have the opposite effect! And an activity that relaxes us one day may not be so effective on another.

So, in this chapter we focus on techniques that are specifically designed – and scientifically proven – to produce deep relaxation of both body and mind, no matter how you’re feeling on a given day. Over the coming weeks, aim to give them all a try. You may find some suit you more than others, which is absolutely fine. Stick with the ones that are most effective for you.

And that phrase ‘sticking with it’ is important. To really experience the benefit that these techniques can bring, you need to make them a regular part of your life. A huge time commitment isn’t necessary – fifteen to twenty minutes a day will do it – but it’s best to perform your chosen activity every day.

Like so many things in life, developing a relaxation routine is often more enjoyable when we do it in company. We’re also more likely to persist with an activity when we’re part of a group. So it’s a good idea to investigate classes and clubs in your area. Activities like meditation and yoga are hugely popular, which means there’s a good chance you’ll find something suitable nearby.

Remember too that there’s a mass of information out there to help you get the most from your relaxation activity. Whether it’s yoga, mindfulness, or some other form of relaxation technique, you’ll find lots of useful books, audio CDs and websites on the topic.

PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION

An anxious mind cannot exist in a relaxed body. EDMUND JACOBSON

When we’re feeling stressed, the restless tension of our thoughts is mirrored in our body. Our muscles tighten, our heart rate increases and our breathing becomes faster and shallower.

To calm this physical tension, the US doctor Edmund Jacobson (1888–1983) developed a technique called progressive muscle relaxation. The idea is that each group of muscles in your body is tensed and released in turn. Once you’ve tensed the muscle consciously, it’s much easier to then consciously relax it. You can follow the order of muscles outlined here, or vary the pattern if you prefer. The key point is to gradually progress around your body and to include a good range of the major muscles.

Choose a time and place when you know you won’t be disturbed. Make yourself comfortable. Take off your shoes; loosen any tight clothing. Sit in a chair or, if you’re confident you won’t fall asleep, lie down on the floor, or on a bed or sofa. Close your eyes.

For a minute or so, concentrate on breathing deeply and slowly. Feel your body begin to relax.

Clench both fists as tightly as you can. Count to ten and then release. Enjoy the relaxation of your muscles for approximately twenty seconds, then move on to the next exercise.

Tense the muscles in your neck and shoulders by lifting your shoulders up to your ears. Again, hold for ten seconds and then relax for twenty seconds.

Moving on to the muscles in your face, press your teeth together as firmly as you can. At the same time, keep your eyelids tightly closed. Hold for ten seconds and relax for the standard twenty seconds.

Now focus on your chest. Take a deep breath and, after counting to ten, exhale gently.

Clench your stomach muscles, hold for a count of ten, and then release.

Now it’s time to work on your feet and legs. Press down with your legs then flex your toes upwards to work your calf muscles. Finally, pull your toes downwards to tense the muscles in your feet. For all three manoeuvres, hold for ten seconds and then release for twenty seconds.

When you’ve completed this cycle of exercises, let yourself rest. Notice how the tension has left your body. Savour the feeling of deep relaxation that has taken its place. Enjoy the steady rhythm of your breathing. If you detect any tightness in your body, flex the muscles in question and then release.

Aim to spend about ten minutes each day on progressive muscle relaxation. Find a convenient time – perhaps first thing in the morning or when you arrive home from work – and make it a regular date.

A VISUALISATION EXERCISE

Here’s a very quick but effective relaxation exercise that’s designed to conjure up in your mind a soothing, pleasing image. It’s a great technique to have up your sleeve, especially when you’re feeling stressed or anxious.

Start by finding a quiet and comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed. Turn off your mobile! You might want to play some calming music in the background.

Now close your eyes and imagine your favourite, most relaxing place. Perhaps it’s an idyllic beach, a deserted meadow by a trickling stream, or a spectacular mountainside.

Imagine how it would feel for you to be there right now. Focus on the colours, the scenery, the sounds and the smells. Allow yourself to drift into this wonderfully relaxing scene.

Aim to spend five minutes on this exercise, once or twice a day.

YOGA

People have been using yoga to relax for centuries, and its effectiveness is increasingly backed up by clinical trials.

You can try out yoga using one of the dozens of books, CDs and DVDs that are available, but to really get the most from it, we recommend you join a class. This might seem a bit daunting, but yoga is a wonderfully non-competitive activity. Rather than aiming to outdo you, you’ll find that the other members of your class are friendly and supportive. No one, bar the teacher, is going to be paying any attention to how you’re getting on with the exercises: they’ll be absorbed in their own efforts. Classes are run for all levels of experience and mobility, and for both men and women.

MINDFULNESS

One of the most popular new relaxation techniques is called mindfulness. It’s essentially a blend of modern Western psychology and ancient Buddhist beliefs and practices, though you don’t have to be spiritually inclined to practise it successfully. There’s increasing scientific evidence to suggest that mindfulness is a powerful tool to calm negative thoughts and boost well-being.

Mindfulness focuses on living in the present, without worrying about the past or future, and seeing our thoughts as passing mental events, rather than reflections of truth or reality.

Here’s how mindfulness is described by four of its pioneers: Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn:

Mindfulness is the awareness that arises from paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally, to things as they are. Mindfulness is not paying more attention but paying attention differently and more wisely – with the whole mind and heart, using the full resources of the body and its sense.

THE RAISIN MEDITATION

The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention. JULIA CAMERON

To enjoy a taste of mindfulness, try the following brief exercise. All you need is five minutes to yourself and a few raisins. If you don’t like raisins, feel free to use something else – perhaps a piece of fruit, or a biscuit, or a square of chocolate. Your aim is to experience that item of food as fully as you possibly can.

Begin by picking up a raisin. For about twenty seconds, concentrate on how it feels in your hand; its texture and weight, the sensations it produces in contact with your skin.

Then focus on how the raisin looks. Try to take in every detail, as if you were looking at a rare and precious jewel. Again, spend about twenty seconds on this stage (and on the others that follow).

Hold the raisin to your nose. How does it smell? Breathe deeply; savour the raisin’s scent.

Next, carefully place the raisin on your tongue. Let it rest there while you notice exactly how it feels. Then gently examine the raisin with your tongue.

Begin to chew the raisin. Do it slowly, and focus your attention on the taste and texture. How does your mouth feel? How would you describe this experience to someone who had never tasted a raisin?

When you’re ready, gradually swallow the raisin. Again, try to register every last detail of the process. Concentrate as if you were performing the most intricate manoeuvre rather than simply swallowing some dried fruit.

Lastly, think about how it feels now that you’ve swallowed the raisin. Can you still taste it? Do you detect its scent? What sensations do you notice in your mouth and teeth?

What did you make of the experience as a whole? Did you notice a new intensity to the relatively humdrum act of eating a raisin? Did you feel your awareness blossom into life? This intensity, this awareness, is mindfulness in action.

The best way to develop mindfulness is through regular, daily meditation. The rest of this chapter presents a number of meditations for you to try, but you don’t need to limit yourself to these more formal exercises – you can practise mindful meditation in almost any situation. In particular, it’s a great way of freshening up dull chores and mundane activities, whether it’s walking to work, doing the ironing, or washing the dishes. As the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, has commented:

While washing the dishes one should only be washing the dishes, which means one should be completely aware of the fact that one is washing the dishes. At first glance, that might seem a little silly. Why put so much stress on a simple thing? But that’s precisely the point. The fact that I am standing there and washing these bowls is a wondrous reality. I am completely myself, following my breath, conscious of my presence, and conscious of my thoughts and actions. There’s no way I can be tossed around mindlessly like a bottle slapped here and there on the waves.

A BREATHING MEDITATION

This is a great meditation for beginners – and for everyone else too. You have just one aim: to concentrate on your breathing.

Begin by making yourself comfortable in your meditation position. The classic meditating pose is seated on the floor or on a cushion with your legs crossed. Of course, that isn’t comfortable for everyone – for example, those of us with bad backs!

What you’re after is a position that you can maintain for ten or twenty minutes without discomfort. If you’re unhappy with your position it’ll only distract you from your meditation. Ideally, your back will be straight and your posture upright.

If sitting on your bottom on the floor isn’t right for you, try a firm, straight-backed chair. Kneeling can be good too, as long as your knees are up to it. Position a cushion between your bottom and your feet.

If sitting isn’t possible for you, don’t worry, you can meditate standing up, walking, or lying down. As ever, it’s good to experiment and discover the position that suits you best.

Wear loose, comfortable clothing and, as with all the relaxation exercises in this chapter, it’s crucial that you aren’t disturbed. Trying to meditate while your children yell for attention, or your housemate sings along to the radio, or the cat miaows for food is taking optimism a step too far! So find that secluded spot and make the next ten minutes all your own.

When you’re ready to begin, close your eyes and direct your attention to the rise and fall of your breathing. Observe how your body behaves when you inhale and exhale: how your abdomen gradually rises and falls; the sensation in your nostrils; the feeling in your lungs and chest.

Notice the rhythm of your breathing. Let your mind focus on the cycle of inhalation and exhalation. The breath in and the breath out.

You may find that your breathing becomes deeper and more regular during the meditation. If that happens, great; if it doesn’t, well that’s fine too. Just let your breathing happen naturally. There’s no need to alter it in any way.

Almost certainly you’ll find that your mind wanders during the meditation. You might, for example, suddenly wonder what you’re going to cook for supper tonight, or remember a remark someone made to you. Perhaps you’ll worry that these interruptions mean you’re not meditating ‘correctly’.

Don’t become disheartened if thoughts and feelings pop into your mind like this. It’s absolutely normal, even for experienced meditators. Simply return your attention to your breathing – if necessary, over and over again.

Keep going with the meditation for about ten minutes.

THE BODY SCAN MEDITATION

In this meditation we’re going to direct our attention to the various parts of our body. It’s a meditative tour from head to toe – or rather from toe to head!

As with all meditations, your first task is to make yourself comfortable. For this exercise it’s best to be lying down. That could be on your bed, on a sofa, or even the floor if that’s what you prefer.

Ensure you won’t be interrupted. This is another great reason to develop a meditation routine. By meditating at the same time each day – and in the same place – not only does it become a habit for you, the other people in your life understand that those twenty or thirty minutes are your private, personal time. This saves you having to explain for the umpteenth time that you don’t want a cup of tea right now; you can’t answer the phone when it rings; and you definitely aren’t free to cook dinner/tidy up/unload the washing machine!

Begin the meditation by directing your attention to your body as a whole. Tune in to the sensations in those parts of your body that touch the surface you’re lying on – for example, the back of your head, your shoulders, buttocks, legs, heels. Feel the tension in your muscles and limbs ebb away.

Now turn your attention to your toes and feet. How do they feel? If you don’t sense anything much, don’t worry. If you notice aches and pains, don’t be concerned. What you feel isn’t important; your objective is simply to become aware of a particular area of your body.

In due course let your attention begin its travels around your body. Gradually move from your feet and toes to your ankles, then your calves, thighs, hips, genitals, stomach, chest, lungs, arms and hands. After your hands, switch your awareness to your neck, face and head. Spend as long as you like on each part of your body, though aim for a minimum of 15–20 seconds.

At each point in your journey, gently note the feeling in that part of your body. Don’t try to analyse that feeling; don’t try to change it. Simply let it fill your mind. If other thoughts pop up – and they often do – don’t fight them. It’s nothing to worry about. Merely direct your attention back to your body.

The meditation ends as it began. Turn your mind to your body as a whole. Again, don’t analyse or judge or try to alter anything, simply rest in awareness. Allow yourself to be borne along by the full swell of sensation. Give yourself up to the moment. When you’re ready, open your eyes, stretch and gently sit up.

We live in this crazy world, full of jobs, and we have to be there, be-be-be – it’s a very demanding, taxing world. The result of meditating is watching your thoughts, detachment from your own precepts of what is right and wrong, things that frustrate you, that you can’t grasp and want to grasp onto. GOLDIE HAWN

COMPASSIONATE MEDITATION

Come out of the circle of time and into the circle of love. RUMI (1207–73), PERSIAN POET

The objective of compassionate meditation is to develop your positive feelings for yourself, the people you know, and those you will never meet. For many people, maybe in particular the British, and perhaps especially men, it’s more difficult than a breathing or body scan meditation; openly expressing our emotions isn’t something that comes naturally to lots of us. But do give this meditation a try. After all, no one else will know what you’re thinking!

Imagine for a moment that you love yourself as deeply as you love your child or partner or best friend.

Now picture yourself experiencing heartfelt affection not simply for those closest to you, but for the nameless people you pass in the street and even for the mass of humanity you have never encountered.

If we could feel like this, wouldn’t we experience a wonderful sense of well-being? Wouldn’t our days be filled with pleasure, enjoyment and contentment? Wouldn’t the world seem a much happier place than it sometimes does today? This vision is the driving force behind compassionate (or loving-kindness) meditation.

Begin the meditation by tuning in to the rhythm of your breathing and the sensations of your body.

When you’re relaxed and ready, visualise a person whom you have loved deeply and who has loved you. Think back to the times you spent with them and how their love made you feel.

Try to recall a particular moment in as much detail as you can. Let yourself experience once again the emotions you felt then: the love, contentment and joy. In your mind, communicate your love to the person you have chosen. Allow the warmth of your affection to radiate out towards them.

Many people find it helpful during this meditation to express their love through words. You could say to yourself versions of traditional Buddhist phrases: ‘May they be safe. May they be happy. May they be free from suffering. May they be peaceful.’ Alternatively, choose something that is especially meaningful to you.

Now direct that love – and those compassionate words – towards yourself. If you find this difficult, awkward or embarrassing, keep going. It will become easier. Remember: you are entitled to your love. You deserve your love.

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete. BUDDHA

Then, in turn, bring to mind someone you know well and care for, a person you see occasionally but have no feelings for, and someone who has annoyed or upset you in the past. To each of these individuals, reach out with love and compassion. Feel the waves of your loving-kindness emanating from your heart. Bask in this warmth.

Finally, let your love embrace every living being on the planet. To help you do this try visualising the Earth and, while you do so, repeat your compassionate phrases. Enjoy your feelings of love. Savour the contentment they have inspired in you. Delight in these sensations for as long as you choose.

THE THREE-MINUTE BREATHING SPACE MEDITATION

In many ways this is the perfect meditation: all it requires is three minutes of your time. It was developed by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn, all of whom have made a huge contribution to the development of mindfulness techniques.

The meditation is structured in three parts. Your focus will move from your thoughts and feelings to your breathing, then finally to your whole body.

You can do this meditation sitting or standing (but preferably not lying down). Hold yourself upright, though make sure it’s a position you can adopt comfortably for the duration of the meditation.

For the first minute or so, focus your attention on your thoughts, feelings and physical sensations. What are you thinking? Which emotions can you detect? How does your body feel?

Don’t analyse your thoughts and feelings. Don’t attempt to change them. Simply experience them. Awareness is all.

In the second part of the meditation, concentrate on your breathing. Follow the steady rise and fall of your chest and diaphragm as you inhale and exhale. If you become distracted, simply guide your mind back to your breathing.

For the third and final minute, broaden your awareness so that you notice how your whole body feels when you breathe. Once again, don’t judge these physical sensations – there is no right or wrong way to be feeling. But if you detect any unpleasant sensations, direct your attention to them. Don’t try to make these feelings disappear; instead acknowledge and accept their presence in this moment.

Try practising the breathing space meditation twice a day for a week, or whenever you’re feeling particularly stressed, worried or sad.

The relaxation exercises in this chapter are tried and tested. In fact, people have been meditating for thousands of years. Make the exercises a regular feature of your week and scientific studies suggest you too will feel more tranquil, confident and content. Indeed, recent neurological research has shown that mindfulness actually produces positive changes in the brain.

In the following chapter, we turn our attention to what is arguably the single most important influence on our happiness: the quality of our relationships.