Over the last fifteen years or so psychologists have carried out a huge amount of research into happiness. From this work, one finding in particular stands out: the stronger our relationships, the happier we’re likely to be.

That’s not to say well-being requires dozens of friends and a frenetic social life. Nor is it dependent on being married or in a long-term relationship, though that can certainly help. When it comes to relationships, quality is far more important than quantity. Research shows that simply having a best friend you can talk to openly and rely upon to help when needed is enough to make all the difference. Having a couple of other close friends will make you happier still.

Of course we all differ in terms of how many relationships we need to be happiest and of what type. But whether we’re tremendously outgoing or relatively self-contained, we all need to be loved and supported and to love and support others in turn.

Psychologists have found that the most important benefits of close relationships – romantic or otherwise – include:

• Companionship: having someone to spend time with.
• Self-validation: having someone who is encouraging, supportive and complimentary.
• Help: both practical assistance and general guidance.
• Intimacy: being able to share your most personal thoughts and feelings.
• Trust and loyalty: being able to rely on your friend.
• Emotional security: having someone who’s there for you in new and scary situations.

So don’t become too isolated. When people are feeling down or very stressed they often turn inwards. Social contact can seem unappealing when you’re lacking confidence or energy. You might not be able to face sharing your thoughts with those closest to you. But keeping the lines of communication open, and spending time with the people you like and love, will do wonders for your mood. This chapter will show you how to make the most of your relationships.

Of course, if there are people in your life who make you unhappy in whatever way, you may want to reduce your level of contact. If they’re important to you, it’s best to bite the bullet and explain how you feel. Very possibly, they’re unaware of the effect they’re having on you. Explaining your feelings gives them the opportunity to change their behaviour. But whether you opt for the heart-to-heart or simply steer clear of someone, don’t feel guilty. You have a right to choose the company of the people who make you feel better and not worse.

In the second part of this chapter we focus on romantic relationships, but let’s start with a look at how to develop better relationships with family, friends and colleagues.

BUILDING YOUR SOCIAL NETWORK

What sweetness remains in life if you take away friendship? Depriving life of friendship is like depriving the world of the sun. Friendship is the only thing in the world whose usefulness all humankind are agreed upon. MARCUS TULLIUS CICERO, 384–322 BC

You may remember that in Chapter 4 we suggested you keep an activities diary for a week. It’s a record of what you’re doing and how you’re feeling.

Have a look back at your diary now. How much time did you spend in the company of friends and family? If you haven’t had a chance yet to compile an activities diary, start now (see p. 49 for details of how to do it).

Your task for the coming week is simple: spend more time with the people who make you happy! Don’t wait for it to happen: go ahead and arrange a meeting or plan an activity to do together. Over the coming weeks, make a note of how much time you’re devoting to social activities. Try to build it up gradually and ask yourself whether you notice a change in your mood.

As well as working to develop your existing relationships, if you often find you have no one to spend time with, aim to add to your circle of friends. Who do you know that you’d like to become friends with? Get to know that person better by chatting to them when you can. Suggest that you meet up some time – perhaps you could have a coffee together or see a movie. Take a deep breath and suspend your fears of rejection. More often than not, they’re going to be delighted and flattered. Wouldn’t you be? It’s a natural human instinct to warm to the people who are pleasant to us, so your friendliness is very likely to be reciprocated. And boy will you feel good when it is.

If you’re struggling to meet people, consider joining a class or club. Whatever your interest, you can be pretty sure there’s a group meeting nearby. Whether it’s learning a language, reading books, gardening, yoga, cooking or participating in sports, people love combining their chosen activity with social contact.

Not only is it fun to pursue an interest or hobby as part of a group – which will boost your happiness levels in itself – you instantly have something in common with the other people attending. Those first chats with people we don’t know can seem tricky, but this way you’ll have a readymade topic for conversation.

Attending for the first time can be daunting, but remember that it’s perfectly normal to feel apprehensive when meeting new people. That nervousness will soon pass, and probably within a very few minutes of arriving.

If you’re finding it difficult to take the plunge, try to put your finger on what it is that’s holding you back. Then focus on the benefits – the reasons why you want to join the group. Write them down so you can remind yourself if you’re wavering. And when you do attend, treat yourself to something nice as a reward for your courage.

THE RULES OF FRIENDSHIP

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. ANAIS NIN

There’s now clear evidence from a number of research studies that friendships – and particularly having a best friend – can make a big difference to our level of happiness, no matter whether we’re naturally gregarious or relatively shy, generally content or often unhappy. As we’ve seen, there are many reasons why having friends makes us feel happier, but some experts believe companionship and self-validation are most important for happiness.

And yet, although friendship is so important to us, it can be a bit of a puzzle. After all, were you taught how to make friends? Did anyone ever sit you down and explain what makes a friendship thrive? For most people, friendship is something we’re left to figure out for ourselves – and often we have to learn the hard way.

But the more we understand how friendships work, the better equipped we are to ensure our own relationships are successful. So take a look now at the ‘Rules of Friendship’; they came about when the British psychologists Michael Argyle and Monika Henderson asked people in the UK, Italy, Hong Kong and Japan to define the ingredients of a flourishing friendship:

• Volunteer help in time of need.
• Respect the other’s privacy.
• Keep confidences.
• Trust and confide in each other.
• Stand up for the other person in their absence.
• Don’t criticise each other in public.
• Show emotional support.
• Look him/her in the eye during conversation.
• Strive to make him/her happy while in each other’s company.
• Don’t be jealous or critical of each other’s relationships.
• Be tolerant of each other’s friends.
• Share news of success with the other.
• Ask for personal advice.
• Don’t nag.
• Engage in joking or teasing with the friend.
• Seek to repay debts and favours and compliments.
• Disclose personal feelings or problems to the friend.

Spend a little time reflecting on your own friendships. Which aspects are you strong at, and which do you think you could do better?

FIVE TECHNIQUES TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends. VIRGINIA WOOLF

Building on the rules of friendship, here are five key techniques for a better relationship. Select one as a priority, and find ways to implement it in your friendships. When you feel the time is right, try another technique.

Incidentally, we’ve included this section in the part of the chapter that focuses on non-romantic relationships, but all five techniques are relevant to romantic relationships too.

Express your gratitude

We’ve already looked at why and how being grateful is good for you (pp. 72–4), but it’s also vital for developing the strongest, most beneficial relationships. There are two forms of gratitude that need attention – we could call them internal and external gratitude. Imagine, for instance, that a friend phones to ask whether you’re free to meet up for dinner at the weekend. You have a great time and the next day send them a card, email or text message to say how happy you are to have been asked, and how much you’ve enjoyed the evening. Simple manners, for sure, but easy to forget in the rush of daily life.

As well as this external form of gratitude, don’t neglect the internal. Let yourself enjoy the memory of the evening. Remind yourself how grateful you are to have such a good friend, and to have had the opportunity to share a meal in their company. If you’re currently keeping a gratitude journal, note down your feelings there.

Your friendship will be strengthened by both the external and internal forms of gratitude. Everyone likes being thanked (as long as the gratitude is genuine), so your friend is certain to feel even more positively about you. And by reflecting on your gratitude, you’ll remind yourself of the value you place on that friendship, and the importance of maintaining it.

Make praise a habit

When was the last time you praised a friend?

If you’re struggling to think of an example, don’t worry. For many of us, giving praise – just like communicating heartfelt gratitude – doesn’t come naturally. This is a pity, because reciprocal praise and admiration can play a huge role in helping relationships to flourish. (The praise has to be real, of course; fake it and you’ll be fooling no one.)

We can all learn to make praise a habit. For the next seven days aim to praise at least one person each day. Who it is doesn’t matter: it could be your partner, a friend, a family member or colleague. How do the people you praise react? Do you notice a difference in your own mood?

Remember what makes your friend special

When you’ve known someone a while, it’s easy to take them for granted. To breathe new life into a friendship, take the time to remind yourself why you were drawn to this person in the first place.

Jot down on a piece of paper three of your friend’s positive qualities (feel free to write more if you’d like). It could be a personality trait such as kindness or optimism, or a talent like playing a musical instrument or cooking wonderfully. Then for each positive quality add an example – a brief note of a time when your friend demonstrated this characteristic.

Notice how your feelings for your friend are revived, and how much you appreciate their unique talents and attributes. Doesn’t your friendship seem suddenly much more precious than it did just a few minutes ago? And, building on our suggestions about the importance of gratitude and praise, why not let your friend know how you feel?

Be helpful

In Chapter 4 we introduced the ‘5 a day’ activities for happiness. As part of this programme we recommended giving time to others – in other words, helping the people around us.

When you read those pages, you may have been surprised to learn that helping others is a remarkably effective means of boosting your own well-being. But you’ll not be amazed to hear that it’s also a great way of building friendships. So ask yourself what you can do to help someone you know – and then go ahead and do it!

Respond positively to good news

Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend’s success. OSCAR WILDE

Imagine that you are having coffee with a friend. With a huge smile, she announces that she and her husband are spending the weekend in Paris. How should you react?

The strongest relationships are built on what’s called an ‘active and constructive’ response to good news. That means listening attentively, maintaining eye contact and generally being as positive about the news as your friend is.

By reacting like this, rather than seeming uninterested or unenthusiastic, you demonstrate how much you value your friend’s happiness. You show that their pleasure gives you pleasure, thereby reinforcing the bond between you.

How do you typically respond to other people’s good news? If it isn’t always in an active and constructive manner, make a point of reacting like that in future. It doesn’t have to be only the big stuff: whether your friend has become engaged or is simply pleased with a new haircut, whether they’ve been promoted at work or just had a fun time at the weekend, try to respond with genuine pleasure and enthusiasm. Let your ‘very fine nature’ shine through!

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

Of all the gods Love is the best friend of humankind, the helper and the healer of all ills that stand in the way of human happiness. PLATO

When researchers ask people what makes them happy, romantic relationships tend to figure prominently. The psychological research bears this out: a flourishing relationship really can do wonders for the overall happiness of the individuals involved (just as a struggling relationship can undermine it).

Romantic relationships can bring many benefits, from intimacy to practical help, sexual fulfillment to enhanced self-esteem. But interestingly, research has suggested that there are two aspects in particular that make for happiness. These are companionship – that’s to say, having someone to be with – and emotional security, or having someone to turn to in difficult times.

The laws of attraction

It’s not very romantic to point it out, but falling in love (or making friends) isn’t always as mysterious a process as it might seem. In fact, psychologists have discovered that attraction is usually the result of just four key factors.

By becoming aware of these factors, you’re in a great position to judge which people you’re most likely to be compatible with. And that’s going to increase your chances of starting – and maintaining – a successful relationship.

Proximity:

The single most important factor in determining who we get to know, like and even love is simply how much we see of them.

Why does proximity exert such a powerful influence on our feelings? Well, if you run into someone regularly, they soon become pretty familiar. And most of us prefer the familiar to the unfamiliar.

Seeing a lot of someone, of course, also gives us a chance to discover what we like about them, and to build a relationship. And if we know we’re likely to be in regular contact, we’re more likely to make an effort to get along.

Similarity:

There are exceptions, of course, but most people gravitate towards those who are like them – in intelligence, social class, personality, beliefs, racial background, looks and even weight. We also tend to like people who are of a similar age, though when it comes to long-term partners both sexes prefer the man to be a little older than the woman.

Physical attractiveness:

Men tend to prefer women who are younger than themselves, who wear their hair long, and who are neither very overweight nor especially thin. When it comes to a woman’s figure, men go for curves. Women, on the other hand, generally like their men to possess a narrow waist and relatively broad shoulders. Women and men both agree that the male partner should be taller than the female.

When it comes to faces, men and women alike seek out symmetry, proportionality and ‘normal’ features. That’s to say, we tend to prefer the average face to the unusual one.

Of course, these are broad generalisations. As we all know, people vary enormously in the kind of looks they find appealing. And while appearance undoubtedly plays a part in attraction, other influences are arguably far more significant. For instance, research shows that what both men and women value above all in a long-term partner isn’t beauty but rather intelligence, kindness, empathy, dependability and love.

Reciprocity:

Simply put, we like those who like us. And because we tend to get back what we give, acting positively towards someone encourages more of the same in return. Behave as though someone likes you and there’s a good chance they soon will.

The power of reciprocity was demonstrated in a classic experiment carried out in the mid-1980s. When individuals were led to believe (falsely) that the people they were chatting to liked them a lot, they responded accordingly, displaying much more warmth, openness and all-round friendliness than if they were told (equally falsely) that their companions didn’t care for them.

HOW TO STRENGTHEN YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP

Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark our coming, and look brighter when we come. LORD BYRON, DON JUAN

Love can sometimes seem like the little girl in the nursery rhyme – when it’s good it’s very, very good, but when it’s bad it’s horrid.

We shouldn’t be surprised by the occasional rough patch. Maintaining a successful long-term relationship is a complex business that requires lots of time and effort. According to Robin Dunbar, a professor of evolutionary anthropology at Oxford University, this is why it’s the birds and mammals that are monogamous that have the biggest brains. So don’t worry if your relationship has its ups and downs: it’s normal. That said, there’s much you can do to ensure the ups far outnumber the downs.

Research suggests that the strongest romantic relationships are based on:

• Shared decision-making
• Trust
• Intimacy – physical, emotional and psychological
• Sexual attraction
• Time and energy working at the relationship
• Agreement about who does which household chores
• Emotional support for each other
• Positive actions, whether it be giving your partner a hug, bringing them a cup of tea in bed, or being ready to listen when they need to talk
• Clear communication
• Tolerance, flexibility and patience
• Negotiation skills

How does your relationship match up to this ideal? Are there particular aspects that you think you should work at?

Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. URSULA K. LE GUIN

If you’re unhappy with the way your relationship is going right now, try the suggestions below. But also have a look back at the ‘Rules of friendship’ and ‘Five techniques to improve your relationships’ sections in the first part of this chapter. They are as relevant to romantic partnerships as they are to any other kind of relationship.

Make time for fun together.

Many relationships suffer because of simple neglect. When partners don’t spend enough quality time together, it’s easy for them to become remote from one another.

So think back to the things you used to enjoy as a couple – going out to the cinema, staying in bed till noon, buying each other little gifts – and do them again, or schedule in other activities you both think you might enjoy. Plan ahead and make a date, just as you did when you first got together.

Lead by example.

Changing someone else’s behaviour can be difficult (though the strategies we present here will certainly help). It’s much easier to focus on your own actions.

Have a think about your attitudes to the relationship and to handling conflict. Where did they come from? Are you perhaps merely following the example your parents gave you? Could you do things differently? If you can change your own behaviour for the better, you’ll probably find your partner will make a similar adjustment.

Don’t mind-read.

Many of the conflicts in relationships occur because one partner assumes they know what the other is thinking. And it can be a vicious circle. Mind-reading causes arguments, which in turn can poison the atmosphere between partners and prompt them to think the worst of each other, leading to even more disputes. When a relationship is going through a sticky patch, misunderstandings tend to be rife.

So don’t jump to conclusions. If your partner is behaving in a way that troubles you, think through all the possible explanations. Don’t take things personally – your partner’s emotions or actions probably have nothing at all to do with you. When you’re calm, let your partner know how you interpreted their behaviour and find out from them what was really going on.

Talk through your mutual expectations.

We all bring a lot of baggage to a relationship. We have strong views about everything from how the household should run to what kind of sex life we expect. Lots of this baggage comes from our upbringing and previous relationships. Some of it may stem from our gender: men and women often have very different approaches to the various issues that crop up in a relationship (not least of which is how to handle arguments).

So it’s really important to have an honest discussion with your partner about your expectations for the relationship. Who’s going to clean the house? Who is responsible for childcare? How will you handle the finances? How much ‘personal’ time should you each have? What are your respective views on fidelity, commitment and trust?

Remember that it’s not a question of winning an argument. The aim is to understand and respect where you’re each coming from, and to reach an agreement on how you’ll proceed in the future. If you’re lucky, you’ll agree on most things; more likely, you’ll both need to compromise.

Work at your communication skills.

It’s pretty much impossible for a relationship to thrive if the communication within it is poor. So if you take nothing else away from these pages, remember these guidelines:

• Talk to one another! Let your partner know how you’re feeling, discuss how you think the relationship is going, whether your needs and expectations have changed, and work together to solve problems (for more on problem-solving techniques, see p. 59).
• Be clear and specific about what’s troubling you. Resist the temptation to make sweeping, general complaints (‘You never lift a finger around the house’). Instead, focus on the particular (‘We need to work out a rota for the washing up and the vacuuming’).
• Let your partner talk. No matter how badly you want to get things off your chest, don’t rant on. Be as calm and measured as you can, and keep it short and sweet and to the point. Leave gaps for your partner to speak.
• Be positive. No one likes being criticised, so don’t focus on the negative aspects of your partner’s behaviour. Instead, present your requests in terms of positive actions you’d like them to take. For example, instead of ‘You’re always undermining me’, try ‘I’d like you to back me up even if you don’t always agree.’
  Remember that the best way of changing someone’s behaviour isn’t to criticise what you don’t like; it’s to praise and encourage what you do like.
• Use ‘I’ and ‘we’, not ‘you’. Don’t point the finger at your partner (‘You’re always…’, ‘You never…’); be up front about your own wishes (‘I’d like…’, ‘I think we need to…’). It’s a way of signalling that you’re willing to take your share of the responsibility for solving the problem, rather than simply blaming your partner. Using ‘we’ will work wonders too: a subtle but eloquent sign that you want to work together to sort things out.
• Remember that communication is not simply about the things you say. It’s the hugs and kisses, the smiles and caresses and the willingness to make eye contact – in other words, the full range of non-verbal signals that we’re constantly sending out to our partner.
• Show your partner that you’re really listening to what they have to say by your facial expression, the nod of your head, the words you use and the actions you take. Simply recapping what your partner has told you will help enormously (‘I understand that you’re exhausted after your day at work and that you don’t want to cook every night.’).
  Equally important is that you work at empathising with your partner. This means trying to think yourself into their position and share their feelings.
• Call a truce. When things are really difficult, it can help to call a truce. Both partners agree to discuss their differences at a set time, in a comfortable, quiet and private place, without being rude or aggressive or hostile. One partner talks for five minutes while the other listens carefully and respectfully. Then the other partner has their turn.
  Generally ten minutes is enough to begin with, though you may want to build up to twenty minutes. Hold these discussions regularly, but don’t discuss your problems in the meantime. Putting your thoughts in a letter is another technique that people have found useful.
• Listen! This is arguably the most important communication skill of all. Give your partner the space and time to tell you what’s on their mind. Don’t interrupt; don’t mind-read; and don’t let your attention wander. Try not to dismiss what they say; be open-minded and flexible. Make listening your priority.

Negotiate!

Winning an argument with your partner may feel like a victory, but in fact all you’re probably doing is breeding frustration, anger and resentment. So aim to end your arguments with agreement and compromise. The best way to achieve that is by polishing up your negotiation skills:

• Don’t complain: request. Moaning may feel good, but it won’t bring the kind of change you’re looking for. Try specific – and realistic – requests instead. For example, rather than complaining that your partner doesn’t help out with the childcare, ask that he bath the kids three times a week. It’s better to set modest targets that can be met than wildly optimistic ones that can only end in failure.
• Be clear about what you want. It can be difficult to say what’s really on our mind, but if we don’t problems are likely to continue. Don’t make it a test of your partner’s sensitivity: help them out by explaining calmly and clearly how you feel.
• Focus on the future, not on the past. Raking over past issues isn’t going to create the sense of positive, cooperative problem-solving that strong relationships need. So let go of what you can’t change and concentrate on what you can: the future.
• Give and take. If you’re asking your partner to do something they might rather avoid (washing the car, tidying the house, visiting your family), it’ll help if you can offer something positive in return. This is negotiation: finding a solution that balances each partner’s needs and desires. Or, in other words, give and take.
• Timetable. This can be a great way of ensuring everyone’s requirements are met. For example, if you’re concerned that your partner spends all their free time on the Internet instead of with you, schedule a night out together every week and, in return, agree that your partner can surf the web for a couple of hours two evenings a week.

If all this feels too formal and unspontaneous, remember that there’s no need to timetable your every waking moment, just the activities that matter to you both. And once you’ve both got used to the new way of doing things, you probably won’t need the timetable.

Defuse arguments before they get out of hand.

If tempers begin to flare, there’s still lots you can do to stop things developing into a full-blown row:

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. AMBROSE BIERCE

• Don’t be hostile or aggressive, and stay clear of sarcasm. The ‘sting in the tail’ – a negative comment at the end of a positive message – can be particularly damaging.
• Be sensitive to the fact that the argument is escalating. Learn to recognise the signs, perhaps in the way that you’re feeling or how you and your partner are interacting. Step outside the conflict and ask your partner whether he’s noticed what’s happening.
• Speak more quietly and slowly.
• Relax. Count to ten, or practise deep breathing.
• Reach out to your partner. Shift the mood by smiling, or giving your partner a hug. Humour can be effective – as long as you’re sure your partner will find your comment funny.
• Be prepared to apologise (provided you really mean it).
• If things are getting really heated, call a time out. Separate for at least twenty minutes and then come back together to discuss things calmly.

Be clear about whether you want to remain in the relationship.

If things are really difficult between you and your partner, you may need to decide whether it’s worth staying together. But before you do anything drastic, consider seeing a relationship counsellor. The Relate organisation runs a nationwide network of counsellors, though your GP may also be able to recommend a suitable person. And talk things over with trusted friends. Weigh up the pros and cons, both of remaining in the relationship and splitting up. Don’t base your decision on how you feel right now; imagine how things might be in three, six, or twelve months’ time.

A brief word about sex

A lively sex life isn’t an essential part of a successful relationship, especially for couples that have been together for a while. On the other hand, sex can provide pleasure, excitement and intimacy, and an opportunity for each partner to reaffirm their love and desire for one another.

Whatever the place of sex in your relationship – central, marginal or somewhere in between – all is fine as long as both you and your partner are content with the status quo. If that changes, though, you have an issue that needs to be tackled.

Of course many of us find sex an awkward topic to discuss at the best of times. And it doesn’t get any easier when things aren’t going well. But this is definitely a nettle that must be grasped. Let your partner know what’s on your mind. Only then will you be able to work together to find a solution.

On pp. 143–4 you’ll find brief notes on the most common sexual problems. Several excellent books are available to help tackle these problems; you’ll find them listed, together with our advice on overcoming these difficulties, in our book Know Your Mind (see Further Reading, p. 157). Very probably that’ll be all you need to get your sex life back on track. But if things don’t improve, contact a sex therapist or relationship counsellor. Your GP should be able to provide a recommendation.

Human beings are intensely social creatures. Whatever our personality – whether we’re extremely gregarious or generally happy with our own company – our emotional life revolves around the people we know, like and love.

It stands to reason then that improving those relationships can provide a massive boost to our well-being. Introduce the exercises and activities in this chapter to your routine and you’ll discover just how big a difference they can make.