We learn more by listening than by talking

We spend 45 percent of our waking time listening, yet we forget 50 percent of what we hear.

Listening is a critical skill in everyone’s life. Remember the old game of “telephone,” where the first person in line whispers a message to the next person, and it gets passed down the line? This usually results in a completely different message or statement. Many of us played that game as children, sometimes with hilarious results. In real life, if you’re not a good, careful listener, the results can be less than amusing—even damaging or life changing.

Hearing is one of the body’s five senses, but listening is an art. Being a good listener can make or break a career. Your success could hinge on whether you have mastered the skill of listening.

Believe it or not, there’s an International Listening Association website which offers some interesting facts:

• Eighty-five percent of our learning is derived from listening.
• Listeners are distracted, forgetful, and preoccupied 75 percent of the time.
• Most people only remember about 20 percent of what they hear over time. But I would advise here that trying to commit the important things to memory should be accompanied by some efficient note-taking.
• People listen at about 125 to 250 words per minute, but think at about 1,000 to 3,000 words per minute.
• There have been at least 35 business studies indicating listening is a top skill needed for success. Frankly, I think the experts can agree that another study will not produce any different results. Now it’s time for teaching effective listening skills to those who don’t already possess them.

Television and radio have enhanced the importance of listening. Instead of having the facts before you in print, as with newspapers and magazines, you need to be able to process what you are hearing. The same is true if using audio and video learning over the Internet instead of reading on it. In the business world, reports and memos take the place of the print media, while the spoken messages in meetings test your listening skills. It’s no wonder that for people with poor listening skills, meetings are perceived as punishment rather than an opportunity for good give and take.

Bill Marriott, chairman and CEO of Marriott International, the world’s largest hotel chain, described “the biggest lesson I have learned though the years.”

“It is to listen to your people. I find that if you have senior managers who really gather their people around them, get their ideas, and listen to their input, you make a lot better decisions.”

Marriott said he learned this lesson from a visit with President Dwight Eisenhower when Marriott was a young ensign in the Navy. He had been in the Navy for six months, and the President was a visitor at Marriott’s home at Christmastime. It was extremely cold outside, but his father had put up targets outside for shooting and asked the President whether he wanted to go outside and shoot or stay inside by the fire.

“He just turned to me,” said Marriott, “and said, ‘What do you think, Ensign?’”

Marriott said he told the President it was too cold outside for shooting and to stay by the fire, which they did.

To this day, Marriott says, that lesson (asking someone else’s opinion) has stayed with him and has been a big asset in his business.

Remember, most people won’t listen to what you’re saying unless they already feel that you have listened to them. People who feel like they’re being listened to will feel accepted and appreciated rather than isolated and rejected. When we feel we are being listened to, it makes us feel like we are being taken seriously and that what we say really matters.

So if you want to be listened to, avoid these anti-listening gaffes:

• Interrupting
• Avoiding eye contact
• Rushing the speaker
• Letting your attention wander
• Rushing ahead and finishing the speaker’s thoughts
• Not responding when appropriate
• Use of negating phrases such as “yes, but …”
• Trying to top the speaker’s story
• Forgetting what the speaker has already told you

Wash your mouth clean of these career-killing phrases

How many of you remember your mom or dad washing your mouth out with soap when you said a bad word or got caught lying? I don’t know whether it’s still a common practice, but many people of my generation remember the awful taste this left in their mouths and dutifully passed this teaching opportunity to their children.

My dad always told me, “Think before you speak.” Easier said than done. However, over the years you learn NOT to use certain words that you know will invite a negative reaction or worse.

Words matter. They can uplift or they can knock down. They can unite or divide. They can paint a masterpiece idea or rust an ironclad agreement. Use your words wisely.

You can be bright and cheerful on the inside, but your words and behavior can sabotage your best efforts. I have compiled a list of phrases that you should banish from your workplace vocabulary.

“It’s impossible.” Any variation of “I can’t do that” will generally mark you as someone who doesn’t want to work hard or take on a new challenge. Unless you’re being asked to violate the laws of physics (or your state), make an honest effort to do what’s asked of you.

“That’s not my job.” Teamwork is essential to any organization’s success. Don’t hide behind your job description to get out of assignments you don’t want. Too many people take their job descriptions so literally, often ignoring the “and other duties as necessary.” If you’re too busy, or the task is outside your field of expertise, say so. If not, do your best to accommodate requests and follow instructions whether they’re officially part of your job or not.

“I’ll try.” Too often this can be seen as an alibi. You’ll make some effort, but you’re not really committed to success. Replace “try” with “will” to motivate yourself—and to inspire other people’s confidence in you. Learn from the wisdom of Yoda, the Star Wars Jedi master: “Do or do not. There is no try.” They don’t pay off on effort; they pay off on results.

“It’s not fair.” You don’t want to get a reputation as a whiner. Complaining about every injustice or slight at work will alienate the people you want to get along with. Focus on doing your job to the best of your ability, whatever happens.

“Who comes up with this stuff?” Yes, we’ve all thought it. And there are times when it is a completely legitimate question. But I will guarantee you, the minute that sentiment is uttered aloud the boss who proposed the idea will appear around a corner and wonder who is unwilling to give it a go.

“That’s bizarre/stupid/unreasonable.” Don’t be offensive and demean a coworker. This shows you are not a team player. Ask for details to see whether you have misunderstood what is being proposed. If you don’t like the idea, explain why politely. It always helps to have a workable solution in your back pocket too.

“You should have …” Avoid anything that sounds like you’re searching for blame or scapegoats instead of solutions. Try to join forces instead. Ask what happened so you can figure out what to do next. And keep in mind, many great ideas have sprung up from mistakes on the first go-round. (We prefer to call that “research.”)

“That’s the way we’ve always done it.” When anything’s been done the same way over a long period of time, sometimes it’s a good sign it’s being done the wrong way. So what am I saying? Think big, think bold, think creative, think stretch, think quantum leaps. Always think becoming a differentiator, think vision, think speed, think customize, think focus, think flexible. Sometimes it’s risky not to take a risk.

“This may be a dumb question, but …” Don’t diminish your point before you’ve even made it. What is really dumb is to proceed when you don’t understand what you are supposed to do or what outcome you are seeking.

I have always thought that some of the best communication advice ever offered came from Thumper, the young bunny in the Disney movie Bambi: “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.” It’s so much easier to have said nothing than to have to try to walk back a thoughtless statement.

As President Calvin Coolidge said, “I have never been hurt by anything I didn’t say.”

Spread the word: Don’t gossip

One day in ancient Greece an acquaintance met the great philosopher Socrates and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?”

“Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple Filter?”

“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and….”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”

“No, on the contrary….”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”

There would be no or little gossip if everyone followed Socrates’ Triple Filter Test. But that is not the case. Gossip runs rampant.

It’s no wonder legendary American humorist Erma Bombeck said: “Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip.”

Someone has calculated that, if a rumor was started at midday, and was repeated within two seconds by everyone who heard it to two other people, who repeated it and kept the cycle going, by about 6:30 p.m. the same day, everyone on earth would have heard it.

Of course, the Internet has brought gossiping up to warp speed. A rumor posted online can make it around the world in milliseconds. And although the post may seem anonymous and, therefore, “safe,” the damage is potentially irreparable. Snopes, the urban legends reference site, can’t debunk everything, after all.

Office gossip in particular is a major concern for a number of reasons. The Triple Filter Test could prevent plenty of misunderstandings and hard feelings in the workplace, where teamwork and cooperation are often central to productivity. How does someone work with another who insists on passing along information that may not be true, good, or useful?

Spreading rumors about coworkers can create a hostile environment that customers will pick up on. This is a good reason for avoiding gossip. Plus the fact that I’ve seen many deals go down due to gossip.

As advice columnist Dear Abby said, “It is almost impossible to throw dirt on someone without getting a little on yourself.”

So clean up your act! The Triple Filter Test is simple to use. Truth alone is not enough reason to spread gossip. Who doesn’t have an embarrassing truth that they want to remain private? And while good news may seem harmless enough, is it your news to share? But perhaps the most compelling reason to avoid gossip is the usefulness test. How will the information be used? I’m betting it won’t be for positive reasons.

Maybe you’ve heard about the three ministers who went fishing. They were good friends, each of whom was a pastor at a different church in the same town. While they were fishing they began confessing their sins to each other.

The first pastor said, “Do you know what my big sin is? My big sin is drinking. I know it’s wrong, but every Friday night I drive to a city where no one will recognize me, and I go to a saloon and get drunk. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. It’s my big sin.”

The second pastor said, “Well, to be honest with you, I’ve got a big sin, too. My big sin is gambling. As a matter of fact, you know all the money I raised for that mission trip to India? I took it to Las Vegas instead and lost it all. I’m so ashamed. My big sin is gambling.”

Finally, it was the third pastor’s turn. He said, “Guys, I probably should have gone first, because my big sin is gossiping.”